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by Ashley Jade
I run my finger along his jaw. “And even if Liam died that night blaming you for it. The fact that you wish you could fix things…that you regret being mean to him. Regret not listening to him. Regret not loving him while he was still here…means you have a soul worthy of forgiveness, Colton.” I draw in a shaky breath. “And even though he’s gone…it’s not too late to start loving him.”
It’s never too late to start loving someone.
He hugs me so tightly, it steals the air from my lungs.
“You just saved my fucking life, Bible thumper.”
Then we’re even.
Because once upon a time…
He saved mine, too.
Chapter 74
Sawyer
“He just needs a little breathing room,” Bianca says as we walk through the door of Christian’s. “Space is good for a relationship.”
She might be right, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
It’s been almost a month since his meltdown, and things haven’t been too great.
We’re still together, but there’s a distance.
It’s like the harder I love him…the harder he pushes me away.
Given I’m leaving for the airport tomorrow to fly down for my sister’s wedding, I was really hoping we could patch things up before then.
However, he said he had plans to hang out with Oakley for a boys’ night. I’d be upset about being snubbed, but honestly? If Oakley can help Cole pull his head out of his ass, I’m all for it.
I was planning on spending the night at home, but Bianca asked me to go with her to Christian’s.
“Besides I don’t think it’s your fault,” she continues as we walk to the table lined with alcohol. “He’s taking the fallout with Jace pretty hard.”
That is true.
Cole decided to come clean about the conversation he had with Liam before he passed.
Let’s just say Jace wasn’t as understanding as I was.
He told Cole he needed a break from being his brother.
Cole won’t say it of course, but I know he’s hurting.
However, I know with a little more time, Jace will come around.
And if he doesn’t? I’ll be paying him a visit.
“How do you feel about what happened?”
It’s probably wrong to bring it up in the middle of a party, but since we’re on the subject.
Bianca ponders this as she fills her red Solo cup up with liquor she won’t bother drinking. “I wish he stopped him. But I don’t think Cole could see past his own selfishness back then, so he had no idea Liam would…you know.” She clears the emotion out of her throat. “I could spend the rest of my life hating Cole for it, but then I’d lose two brothers.”
Just when you think Bianca is nothing but a manipulating spoiled troublemaker…she shows you a side to her that grips your heart.
I look around. “You know, we can always ditch the party and go somewhere to talk…if you want.”
I don’t want her to feel like she’s all alone or has no one to go to.
She scrunches her face. “Sorry, church girl. Thanks for the offer, but I’m over my whole lesbo phase—” Her gaze snags on something across the room. “On second thought.” She hands me her drink. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
“What—” I start to say, but she’s already making her way across the living room to the makeshift dance floor.
Where Morgan and Hayley are dancing.
Yeah, I’m not even going to involve myself with that mess.
Instead I walk out to the patio for some fresh air.
It’s so weird not seeing Cole in the hot tub, but I’m proud of him for not turning to drinking and partying to work through his issues.
“Let me guess,” Cortland says behind me. “He dumped your ass.” Before I can tell him to fuck off, he’s standing beside me. “It was only a matter of time.”
You’d think he’d stop talking smack after Cole gave him a million-dollar car, but nope. The asshole is determined to spread misery around.
“Who hurt you, Cortland?”
He laughs, taking a swig from his beer bottle. “I’d ask you the same thing, but it’s painfully obvious who did. Unless he’s here.” He looks around mockingly. “Nope. he’s not.” He leers at me. “Although, that’s shaping up to be a big mistake on his part, because you’re looking less like a beached whale and more like a hottie these days.” He clicks his bottle against the cup I’m still holding. “Good for you.”
He’s such an asshole it makes my skin crawl.
“Cole didn’t break up with me. We’re doing just fine, dipshit.”
I hope.
“For how long?” Cortland muses, echoing my thoughts.
I won’t take the bait. “Will you just go away?”
“Fine.” He leans in close. Too close. “But when he decides you don’t do it for him anymore and dumps your fat ass without so much as a goodbye…don’t say you weren’t warned.” He flashes me a smile. “Have a nice night.”
His cruel words make me flinch.
Cole isn’t like that…what we have isn’t perfect or sunshine and rainbows twenty-four seven. But it’s real.
I suck in a breath as he stalks off…until Casey walks up to me.
“Hard being the girl at the top…isn’t it?”
I narrow my eyes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Not yet, you don’t,” she whispers. “But you will, and trust me, sweetheart. It will hurt like hell.”
Her words reek of foreshadowing, but I know better than to trust a snake like her. “Thanks for the warn—”
She cackles. “It’s not a warning, Sawyer. It’s inevitable. Cole Covington is going to break your heart into a thousand pieces. And the fact that you’re here tonight and he’s not? Means it’s happening sooner than you think.”
My heart knocks against my chest. “What makes you—”
“Because I was the girl before you, remember?” She frowns. “Guys like him aren’t capable of love. They’re only capable of giving you their dick temporarily before moving on to their next pretty conquest.”
Despite the pain squeezing my heart, I utter, “That’s not true.”
Cole and I haven’t even had sex yet.
Truth be told, we haven’t had much of anything lately, but that’s because he’s going through stuff.
“God, for someone so smart, you’re awfully stupid.” She turns to face me. “Cole will never be into you half as much as you’re into him.” Disgust crosses over her expression as she looks me up and down. “Sure, you’re dropping some weight, but you’re still fat and ugly. You’ll never be the kind of girl he’s physically attracted to, Sawyer.” She places her hand on her chest. “I’m not telling you this to be a bitch. I’m just trying to give you a friendly head’s up so you can dump him and end your bullshit relationship with some dignity before he rips that away too.”
With that, she stalks off.
And I’m left wondering if the little nagging voice in my head—the one I’ve been trying so hard to shove down and ignore—might be right.
Chapter 75
Cole
“You said you were ordering pizza.” I glare at Jace as he walks through the door of Oakley’s guesthouse with two pizzas. “Not my former brother.”
Oakley walks over to the fridge. “No, I said I was ordering pizza and someone was picking it up. I just failed to mention that the someone was Jace.” He looks down at me. “Are you gonna do that all night?”
I’m currently sitting on his kitchen floor bouncing a tennis ball. “Yup.” It hits the wall across the room before springing back to me. “Got a problem with it?”
Sawyer said I needed to find a healthy way to manage my stress since drinking and beating up Stone isn’t.
Yesterday she dropped off a package of tennis balls for me.
They don’t really help, but they do take my mind off stuff.
Or rather, they did. Until he sh
owed up.
Jace doesn’t say a word as he parks his ass at the kitchen table.
I should have known Oakley would try to stage an intervention during boys’ night.
However, I know how Jace is. He doesn’t just hold grudges…he chains them up for years and throws away the key.
There’s a small part of me that can’t help but think if it was Liam in my position instead, he would have already forgiven him.
And since old habits don’t die overnight, I’ve decided I’m now holding a grudge against him—a stronger, better one—that will one-up the one he’s holding against me.
Bastard.
Jace doesn’t look bothered one bit as he loads a slice of pizza onto his plate.
Of course the fucker went with pineapple. The topping no one in their right mind—except for him and Liam—would enjoy.
“Fucking pineapple,” I mutter as I bounce the ball. Harder this time. “Surprise, surprise.”
Cocking an eyebrow, he opens the second pizza box.
Meatball. My favorite. “Asshole.”
“Douchebag,” he counters.
Oakley waves a hand as he strides over to the table. “This is good. Keep going. We’re finally getting somewhere.”
Somewhere my ass. He only got my favorite pizza to make me look like an idiot for complaining.
Self-righteous prick.
“Why are you even here right now, motherfucker?” I bark. “I thought you wanted a break?”
A break from being my brother.
It would have hurt less if he told me I was dead to him.
“I’m not here for you, shithead. Oakley called and asked if I wanted to swing by and chill. He didn’t mention you’d be here.” He shrugs one shoulder. “You can stay if you want though.”
“Wow. Gee thanks, Your Highness.”
“You’re welcome, jackass.”
Oakley cracks open a window and sparks a blunt. “I called you both over here because it’s time to end this…whatever the fuck it is.”
It’s not my fault.
“Blame him,” I say. “I’m not the one who asked for a break.”
Christ. I sound like one of Jace’s exes.
“I asked for a break because I needed time to process the bomb you dropped on me. Jesus, Cole. For years you let me believe I was the last person who spoke to Liam that night.”
“Didn’t mean to take that distinct honor from you. My bad.”
I’d gladly give it back if I could.
Jace growls. “Swear to God, you can be such a selfish piece of shit sometimes.”
“You’re right. The wrong twin offed himself. Maybe one day you’ll find your big boy balls and fucking admit it.”
Jace stands up. “What the fuck is the matter with you? Stop saying shit like that.”
I get off the floor. “Make me.”
Oakley’s gaze ping pongs between us. “Everyone chill.” He holds up his blunt. “Better yet. Take a few hits off this and calm your asses down.”
We ignore him.
“Why?” I shove Jace. “It’s the truth.”
He shoves me back. “No, it’s not. Don’t put fucking words in my mouth.”
“I’m only saying what you don’t have the guts to—”
The fist to my face has me staggering back.
“Shut the fuck up,” Jace shouts. “It would have hurt just as much if you died, you goddamn prick.” He snorts. “But like always, Cole has to make it all about him. God forbid anyone mourns Liam.” He pats his chest. “He might have been your twin, but he was my brother too, dammit. You might not have gotten along with him, but I did. And I refuse to keep pretending I don’t miss him just because it upsets you. I’m through walking on eggshells around you.”
Fuck. I never really thought about it like that before.
I open my mouth to speak, but Jace isn’t finished yet. “I don’t blame you. I fucking hate that you kicked him out. But not nearly as much as I hate myself for fighting with him on the one night he needed me. He never would have gone to you if we hadn’t fought. He would have come to me…just like he always did.”
His words hurt worse than the fist to my face.
“Gee. Tell me more about what a shitty brother I am.”
He opens his arms wide. “You were a shitty brother to Liam. I’m not gonna stand here and sugar coat shit to make you feel better. But…” He draws in a breath. “Liam didn’t always…he wasn’t a good brother to you, either. You two were like oil and water…you just didn’t mix.” Scrubbing a hand over his scalp, he takes a step back. “Mom used to say you’d get along better when you were older…it sucks you never got a chance to prove her right.”
The muscles in my chest draw tight with remorse. “I wish we did.”
Sawyer told me it wasn’t too late to start loving him, but I don’t think it will ever be enough to absolve me completely.
It’s all I can do, though. He isn’t coming back.
Sadness lingers in Jace’s eyes. “I know.”
“Are one of you gonna help me finish this blunt or nah?” Oakley questions.
Jace takes it from him. “Yeah. Fuck knows I could use it right about now.”
I sit back down on the floor with my tennis ball.
There’s still tension in the air, but not nearly as bad as it was before.
However, it doesn’t take away from the damage I caused.
The damage I keep causing.
I’m about to grab a slice of pizza when there’s a knock on the door.
Jace looks at Oakley. “Expecting company?”
Oakley ambles to the door. “Nope. I put all my bitches on pause tonight.” He opens it. “This one is Cole’s.”
Sawyer smacks his arm as she walks inside. “I’m not his bitch, you dick.”
I waggle my eyebrows. “You will be tonight.”
Crossing her arms, she stares me down. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m leaving for the airport in the morning, remember?” She looks at Jace. “By the way, if you’re looking for your sister, she’s still at Christian’s. I told her I was leaving to say goodbye to Cole, but she insisted on staying there.” Her eyes flick to Oakley. “With your bitches.”
Oakley narrows his eyes. “That bi—”
Jace slaps the back of his head. “Watch your mouth.”
To be honest, I don’t blame Oak for feeling that way.
“Be easy on him. It’s not his fault Bianca keeps stealing all his girls.”
Oakley jabs a finger in the air. “Just so we’re clear, she is not stealing anything from me.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll talk to her,” Jace says. “Find out why she’s wreaking havoc on your life.”
“Why?” Standing up, I grab a slice of my pizza. “If she’s messing around with girls, she won’t come home pregnant and we won’t go to jail for murder.”
Jace thinks about this for a moment. “Good point.” He slaps Oakley’s shoulder. “Sorry, man. You’re on your own.”
“Want a slice?” I ask Sawyer as I plate mine.
I’m really hoping she says yes because her curves are disappearing and I fucking hate it.
Why girls do dumb shit like lose weight for weddings is beyond me.
Hopefully once it’s over, those curves will come back.
“No, thanks.” She shuffles her feet. “My flight leaves at eight a.m.”
“Do you need a ride to the airport?” She starts to answer, but I glance at Oakley. “Can I borrow—”
“No, that’s not why I said that.” She wrings her hands. “Every time I bring up the wedding you change the subject. It’s already Thursday night, Cole. The wedding is on Saturday. Did you purchase your airline ticket or not?”
Shit.
I know she really wants me to go, but I have to put some distance between us.
These feelings I have for her are becoming too intense. Too powerful.
Too confusing.
For fuck’s sake, I lost my shit completely and bared
the darkest parts of my goddamn soul to her.
Sawyer saw me at my worst, my most vulnerable…yet she stayed.
She even told me she loved me again after that night, but I couldn’t say it back.
I don’t know how. And that’s not fair to her.
“I didn’t.” I avert my gaze. “Sorry, I have this thing to do. But, hey, I hope you have fun.”
Behind her, Oakley and Jace exchange a glance.
Trepidation swirls in her eyes. “Are you breaking up with me?”
Nope. I’m too selfish to do that.
I’ll just wait until she realizes she deserves much better than me and cuts the cord.
“No. I’m just…handling my business. Doing me.”
Jace starts choking on his pizza. Oakley takes a long pull off his blunt.
“Doing you?” she repeats with an edge.
“Yeah…you know.”
“No, I don’t know.” She throws up her hands. “Whatever. I don’t have time for this. Call me when you’re done being an asshole.”
She starts to walk away, but I pull her back. “You know I care about you. I’m still in this.”
If we break up, it won’t be because of me. Ever.
“Then fucking act like it, Colton.”
I can feel Jace and Oakley’s stares on me as she walks toward the door.
I should stop her.
She pauses, almost like she’s giving me a chance to fix my fuck-up but turns to Oakley instead. “Can I talk to you outside really quick?” When she notices the curiosity on my face, she adds, “Tutoring stuff.”
The moment the door closes, Jace looks at me. “You’re an idiot.”
I thought we were done fighting, but evidently not.
I take a seat at the table. “What did I do now?”
He points to the front door. “Motherfucker, you are the hardest person in the world to love and that girl does it effortlessly. If you let her go to that wedding by herself, you’re a goddamn dumbass who deserves to lose her.”
I lean back in my seat. “I don’t recall asking you for dating advice.”