What a fucking blasphemous thing to say. Let her hit me! No fucking way. Not a chance.
Frederick ducked the projectile; it smashed against the wall, adding to the pile of broken china and wilting flowers.
He held up a hand in surrender, thoughts whizzing in his gay-ass blue eyes. “Wait! Hear me out. What if you let her do the things to you that you do to her?”
My jaw locked as panic spread thick and fast. Nothing terrified me more. I gulped at the thought of Tess hurting me, tying me up, degrading me—making me beg. Having complete and utter dominance over me.
“Il n’y a pas moyen putain. Je ne peux pas faire ça.” No fucking way. I can’t do it. I shook my head hard. “No chance.”
Frederick didn’t let it go. He strode forward, talking fast. I didn’t want to listen. I’d be willing to do anything to bring Tess back, but to let her rob me of everything that made me me? I didn’t want to think about it, it hurt too much. It wasn’t possible. Exactly why I hadn’t dreamed up the idea myself.
It would kill me.
“Tess said last night she’d been forced to hurt others. You said yourself—she’s strong enough to handle anything people do to her. But what if she wasn’t strong enough to handle hurting others? What if this shutdown is to stop herself from feeling pain when she made another cry, or worse?”
I backed away, trying so hard to ignore his logic.
He cornered me by the couch, delivering his final blow. “If it were me and I loved her as much as you say you do, I would do anything.”
“I would do anything but not that.”
“What wouldn’t you do? Think about it, Q. Admit it.”
The temper from the fight escalated again. “You’re saying I need to make her hurt me. That I need to take her back to that place and break down every fucking wall she’s built. You’re saying I need to sacrifice my own skin, my own pain to bring her back.” I sighed, wanting to wash my mouth out. “You’re telling me to do the impossible, Roux.”
I clutched my skull as a roaring headache appeared out of nowhere. The monster inside tore at my brain. No one can have that sort of power over me.
I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t do it.
But I knew.
Even though I couldn’t admit it.
Frederick was fucking right.
Images of hitting her, stringing her up, and fucking her hard, catapulted into my mind. She’d given me her trust, utterly and completely. I’d owned every part of her in that moment. Her eyes had been filled with ultimate trust, giving me the sweetest gift of thinking for her—of allowing me to own her.
She needs to own me to find her way back.
Holy fuck.
Frederick patted me on the back. “I’ll let myself out. I’ll check in on you in a few days. Fix this, Mercer. She’s your other half, and you need to realize that before you fuck this up and end up alone. I like the man you’re becoming because of her.”
I blinked as Frederick gave me one last smile, and true to his word, let himself out the front door.
Thoughts ran crazy in my mind. I stood there like a fucking idiot, trying to make sense of what just happened. Where the hell had he come from? Fucking bibbity bobbity booing around like a fairy godmother. Goddammit I hated him, even though I liked that he cared enough to beat some sense into me.
The grandfather clock in the foyer struck minutes in the silence, counting down the moments I had left before Tess was too far away to find. Before I made an offer I might not survive. Before I gave Tess the biggest gift I could give anyone.
I wanted to forget about Frederick’s epiphany. Surely, there was some other way to bring Tess back. I may be an asshole, but the thought of what I had to do turned me into a scared, spineless asshole.
You can’t walk away. Not now. Not when I owed Tess everything. Not when I couldn’t live without her.
“Goddammit.”
The beast inside disowned me, leaving me to my ruin.
Hating myself, I raced from the house.
Save me, enslave me, you will never cave me. Taunt me, flaunt me, kill whatever haunts me...
I headed toward the village where I’d first run from Q. It would take me a while to get there, but I didn’t care.
Walking helped tame the cold emptiness inside. It gave me something to look at, something to think about other than memories locked tight against me.
I stopped to look at a pretty fantail darting in the late summer breeze when my legs disappeared from beneath me, and the air in my lungs escaped in a rush. I cried out as I landed over a strong, broad shoulder.
My eyes connected with the toned, sculptured ass of Q as he carried me back toward the house. I bumped and jostled and even though my ribs hurt, the protective shell my mind resided in didn’t let me wince.
Q hadn’t made a sound, even though the road was littered with twigs and crackly leaves. Somehow he’d tracked me down, pounced silently, and now held me captive.
I waited for the flutter of heartbeats—the knowledge and warmth that even though I hurt him so much last night, he couldn’t bear to let me go.
Nothing.
Only a dark stain appeared, clouding my thoughts, reminding me I had women’s blood beneath my fingernails and if I felt one emotion, I’d have to feel everything.
“Put me down,” I said.
Q didn’t say a word, striding purposely toward the house.
I pinched his butt, but he didn’t flinch. “Let me go, Q.”
“Never. You’re not fucking walking out of my life like this. Not yet.” His voice sounded off—fierce, angry, almost afraid.
“What are you doing?” I didn’t like the energy he emitted—the uncomfortable, edgy vibe.
He growled low in his chest, muttering a curse in French. He raised his voice. “You’re going to do something for me before you go.”
I frowned. “What do you want me to do?”
“I’ll tell you when we’re back at the house. And you won’t refuse, Tess. Because if you do, I’ll fucking kill you to put us both out of our misery.”
How much I wanted the thrill of terror at his words, the thickening of lust. I bounced on his shoulder, coaxing such feelings to manifest, but the best I could do was a pang of fear. Fear because I had no idea what Q had in store, and I hated newness. Newness always equalled terribleness. Newness meant beating up women and becoming dependant on drugs.
We didn’t say another word as Q carted me back like a kill he’d just shot. I didn’t whimper when my lungs ached from being squished, or complain when lightheadedness made me queasy from hanging upside down.
I didn’t make a peep as we entered the house or bat an eyelash when Franco stopped short, staring at me in Q’s grip.
Q took the steps two at a time, never out of breath from hauling my weight. He didn’t slow as we headed down the corridor. He smelled of alcohol and strain, even a trace of blood as he kicked open a door and carried me through.
The moment he slammed the door shut with his foot, he put me down. His lip was bruised and split, a shadow bloomed under his left eye, and he looked sleep deprived and tortured. What the hell happened to him?
He gave me a hard look with unreadable eyes, prowling to the bed.
I looked around. I’d never been in this room before. Painted in golds and reds, it had an exotic feel, a bit ostentatious, but it worked all the same. Q headed to the four-poster bed and tore off the thick duvet and sheeting, leaving a bare mattress. He headed to the bathroom before returning with four towels which he placed all over the bed, covering the fabric.
I stood unmoving, watching him tear around the room. Once he’d tugged and straightened the towel for the fifth time he came to stand in front of me, breathing hard.
He stood straighter, gathering energy from the room yet all the while seeming to shrink in on himself. His eyes locked with mine, and I gasped at the torment deep in their pale depths.
“Remember. If you refuse, I’ll kill you.”
; You crawled into the darkness, set my monster free, so scream, bleed, call out to me, but never say stop, never flee…
I stood in front of Tess ready to do something I’d never done in my life. Something I didn’t know if I could stomach. Something I didn’t know if I could walk away from.
“Merde.” I hung my head, running hands over my bruised face. The entire journey carrying Tess here, I tried to think of another way. A way where I could keep my fucked-up sanity and still fix her.
But I couldn’t see any other logic.
There was no other way.
I had to let her take away my ownership, my very fucking life.
Tess stood there with her arms straight by her sides, her blonde curls so wild and carefree compared to her closed-off detachment.
I hated her in that moment—hated the coldness, the lack of connection. The way she left me to flounder and die of a broken heart. I wanted to throw her on the bed and make her scream. I wanted to do all sorts of things to her to get a reaction. I wanted to hurt her until she used the safe-word again but this time, ignore it. I wanted to push past her barriers and make her see the truth.
I can’t. I wouldn’t be responsible for destroying her mind.
Gritting my jaw, I ran hands through my hair. I couldn’t stand still. I was like a fucking schoolboy about to lose his virginity all over again.
And in a way I was.
“Tu ne sauras jamais ce que ça me coûte.” You’ll never know the cost of this, I murmured, looking up for the first time. “The amount it’s taxing me.”
Tess’s gaze softened. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to do it. I’ve caused enough damage.”
I growled, hating that I offered so much and she had the nerve to deny it. “It’s not a negotiation, Tess. You’re doing this. I’m just letting you know how much this will hurt me. How much I’m willing to put my life on the line—for you.”
She froze, nostrils flaring.
The word mistake danced in my mouth and I swallowed it back. This wasn’t a mistake. I fucking loved her, and it was time I told her that.
“I love you,” I snarled, as if was a terrible thing—an abomination.
Her eyes widened and she looked away. “Don’t do this, Q.”
I moved closer and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me. I let go of everything, every barrier, every smoke and mirror. I let her see everything I was. All the fear I felt, all the love I burned with. “You could be anywhere and I would still hurt, esclave.”
Her eyes stayed cold, even after I showed her how much I needed her. She shook her head, trying to get free. “I can’t give you what you need anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to unlock whatever space I’m trapped in, but it’s no use.”
I ran my nose along her jaw, breathing her in, imprinting her scent of frost and orchids into my soul. When Tess did as I demanded, I doubted I’d want to be this close to her.
“It’s not about what I need. It’s about what you need.” I paused, gathering my tattered courage. “I’m going to give you what you need.”
Tess sucked in a little breath.
I flinched, eyes delving into hers, trying to see if she felt something, reacted to what I said.
But nothing glittered, nothing shone.
In that moment, I wanted to tear the room apart. I wanted to kill the bastards who took her all over again. Damn it to fucking hell. The fucking bastards. The fucking screwed-up world.
Tess touched my cheek, grounding me. “Are you okay?” I wished she asked me out of concern, but I knew better.
“How can you ask that? How can you honestly think I’m okay? I had everything I ever dreamed of, then had it all snatched away. I miss you so damn much, but you don’t care. You don’t love me anymore. You took everything from me and you have the nerve to ask if I’m okay.” I laughed with the black humour of the situation. “I’m going to either ruin you or heal you. It’s one or the other, Tess. Starting now. This will either fix us or leave us in fucking pieces.”
“What will?”
“I want you to take me.” My voice shook. What a sap. I tried again. “You’re going to do whatever you want to me. You’re going to take everything I have to offer by any means necessary.” I pressed my mouth to her ear. “You’re going to hurt me, Tess. And hurt me so fucking much.”
Her mouth dropped open. She gawked, unseeing, unspeaking.
“I’ve fucked you. I’ve hit you. I’ve loved you in my own way, but it’s not enough to fix you. I can’t whip what happened out of you. You need to help yourself, and I’m offering to be the one you take all that rage and pain out on.”
The air grew thick and heavy; I couldn’t breathe. She knew. She was too smart, too intelligent, not to realize what I offered.
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Of course, I fucking knew what I was saying. I was going against every little cell in my body. I was going against nature. I was shooting the beast inside me with a shotgun and handing over my balls. Ignoring every instinct. Every desire I’d ever had.
“I know exactly what I’m offering, esclave. Take it. Before I change my mind.” Before I run away screaming like a little girl.
Before I lose you.
Before I lose myself.
“It’s not that simple. Even if I do hurt you it won’t make a difference, Q. There’s no point putting yourself through something you’ll hate.”
“There is a point if it brings you back. I’m not leaving until we get this over with. I don’t make this offer lightly. I don’t expect you to turn me down. You owe me.”
She coughed. “I owe you?”
“Yes.” I nodded hard. “And I’ll tell you why. Whatever you lived through was terrible, awful and hellish, I know that, and I know you don’t want to talk about it—that’s why I don’t push. But try and think what it was like for me. You were stolen from my office! My care and protection. You were taken away from me for seventeen fucking days. Every lead I chased was a dead-end, every hope, a fucking tease.” I hit myself violently in the solar plexus, reliving that horror, the panic at not finding her. “Don’t you think all of this is hard on me, too? You owe me, so hurt me. Make me suffer because I wasn’t able to save you.”
My chest heaved and the truth burst free. “It’s all my fucking fault. All of it. The building contracts. The saving of slaves. The fact I thought I was invincible. I never thought to think of enemies and anything happening to you. I was a selfish fucking moron.”
I had to stop and swallow around the lump forming in my throat. “It’s all my fault you’re like this. So if I order you to make me suffer, it’s the least you can do. Libère moi de ma douleur, Tess.” Free me of my pain.
I cupped her cheek, drowning in her eyes. “I asked you once to give me your pain as my pleasure. This time take my pain as your pleasure.”
It was a night of firsts and I dropped to my knees, bowing my head against her thighs. “Please, esclave. Don’t make me keep asking. I don’t have the strength.” It felt awkward and horrid being in a position of submission, but at the same time, so right and perfect. The two emotions tangled, making me quiver with anxiety.
I didn’t move. It was up to Tess now.
It felt like a full year before Tess shifted. Her gentle hand landed on my head. She threaded her fingers through my hair, soothing the never leaving headache, making me groan.
Was I making this worse by forcing her? Causing more damage to her already strained mind?
“I can’t, Q.”
I looked up, locking eyes. “You can. And you will.”
She tried to untangle herself from my grip, but I tightened, not letting her go. “You’re letting the bastards win, esclave. Do you want that? Do you want them to rule your life?” I stood, never letting go of her. “Where’s the fight I’m so used to? The Tess I knew, the esclave I fell for, wouldn’t lie down and not fight to the death.”
The seconds ticked past and doubt shaded her face. She bit her lip
, looking anywhere but me. I was sure she’d disagree again, and thoughts ran riot on how I could force her to hurt me. I didn’t know what it would mean if this failed.
Finally, her eyes settled on mine; she whispered, “Are you sure?” Such caring, such gentleness shone from her face, that even though there was nothing else there—no soul or deep emotion—I took happiness from hope.
This would work. It had to.
I stood, bending to press one soft kiss on her lips. “I’m sure. Je suis à toi, tout à toi.” I’m yours. All yours.
Her chest rose and she nodded. “Okay.”
I didn’t waste another moment. Grabbing her hand, I led her across the room.
She stood where I positioned her by the bed while I went to the cupboard. This room had a history. A history I would rather not think about, but it came stocked with apparatus and things required.
Opening the doors of the cupboard, I stopped short, panic running down my spine.
I was about to do something that would cripple me. I wanted to wipe this day free from my mind once it was over. I would destroy this room and everything in it so I never had to remember.
With nerves lodged in my throat, I pulled out ropes, cuffs, bondage of all types.
Tess watched remotely as I piled my arms full of things and headed back to the bed. Placing them on the towel at the foot of the four poster, I looked at Tess. “Tie me up.”
I never thought I’d ever say those words. But I needed her to bind me. I wouldn’t be able to go through with this if she didn’t. I’d run like a fucking coward, or lash out and hurt her.
She picked up the leather cuffs, the buckles clinking. “Where?”
Trying to curb the terror and anger and so many fucking things, I forced myself to sit on the mattress and lie down.
My heart was a fucking crazy thing going a billion miles an hour; I couldn’t look at Tess. I couldn’t look anywhere but at the large canopy above my head. The four posters were sturdy—half a fucking tree sturdy—once she bound me, I wouldn’t be able to get free.
My stomach rolled and I swore I would be sick. Shit. Oh, shit. What the fuck am I doing?