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by L.J. Shen
Reason: Wanted to get rid of my obsessive thoughts about Penn Scully AKA hole-in-a-shirt boy (UGH IT’S BEEN THREE YEARS, BITCH, GET OVER THE LOSER).
I’m on the verge of puking when I notice Penn darting around the place, plucking the papers from people’s hands with murder in his eyes. Every person in his way immediately drops their paper, but the damage has already been done. Everyone is standing in the center of the field or sitting on a bleacher and reading about my sordid deeds. People point, joke about me, and whisper about me. I am officially the laughing stock of the county, and nothing will change that. Ever.
I turn around, about to run away, when Via catches my wrist and tugs me back. She pretends to hug me, but I can feel her smile on the shell of my ear when she talks.
“It was a bad play on your part to ask your family not to tell anyone that you’re leaving. Totally drove me to tell Gus we needed to kick our plan into high gear. Now we’re even, Daria. Now, when I take everything away from you like you did from me, I can move on with my life. Now, you’ve finally tasted what it feels like to be thoroughly ruined.”
I squirm away, digging my feet into the ground and trying to escape, when Penn’s hand—warm and big—grasps my other wrist. Via releases me immediately.
I want to kick him away and yell at him for preventing me from escaping, but I’m defenseless against his touch. I break down on his chest, and his arms wrap around me, shielding me from the rest of the world. The tears are falling, and his chest rumbles, telling me that he is breaking, too. And somehow, at this moment, it’s enough. The world is against us—everyone knows about every single awful thing I ever did—and still…
Penn turns around to his sister, still holding me in his arms. “You can run, but you can’t fucking hide, Sylvia. And when I catch you—and I will catch you—you will regret the day I was born, five minutes before you, because I’m going to make ruining your life a full-time job, and I’ll be putting in some extra hours, too.”
It takes a lot for me to elevate my head from his chest to peek at Via’s expression when her brother officially disowns her. His voice is so low and threatening, shudders move down my spine. Via looks pale and panicked in front of him. Her lips are colorless; her entire body limp. She obviously wasn’t expecting Penn to be so mad. She expected him to have her back again. To make excuses for her. To protect her as he does—did, at least—unconditionally.
“Penn, I—”
“Shut the fuck up,” he commands, stalking to the other side of the field with me in tow. He’s holding my hand now. I don’t know why I’m letting him. We’re not together and never will be. Not because he chose his sister, but because he chose to break not only our fling but also my heart. He went with the worst route possible. Hurting me on purpose. And I’m officially done with people who don’t choose me or see me.
Penn stops in front of Gus. I make myself look at the guy because this is my reality, and I need to face it. The entire football team, sans Knight, and the cheer squad surround Gus. His chin is up, and he’s wearing his varsity jacket and a vacant scowl. When he laughs, vodka breath fans across my face even though we’re a few feet away.
“Look what the cat dragged in.”
“Someone who’s about to put a stop to your pussy ways.” Penn fishes out his Zippo from his jeans, spinning it between his finger and thumb. Before I realize what’s happening, Via is standing behind Penn with tears streaming down her face. His teammate—Kannon, I think his name was—is next to us, too. And the Josh guy. And the Malcolm guy. And the Nelson guy…
“Via,” Gus barks. “Get your sweet ass over here.”
Via shakes her head slowly behind me, looking at the ground that’s now wet with her tears.
“Now!” Gus stomps his foot.
Penn takes a step toward Gus. Then another one. They are chest to chest now, and both teams are on edge, glaring at them impatiently, begging for a fight. I look around and see Adriana a few feet away from me. She shifts from foot to foot, clearly nervous about a rematch between us. I give her a tired smile and motion her with my hand to come a little closer. When she does, I grab her hand on instinct and squeeze it as hard as I can in my frail state.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “So sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I was blinded by jealousy and desperate to keep something that wasn’t even mine to begin with.”
My popularity. Penn.
“I’m sorry, too.” She looks the other way, her chin trembling. “I shouldn’t have held on to him with everything that I had. He was never mine to hold.”
I feel a brush over my arm where Penn stood just a second ago. It’s Knight. And next to Knight stands Vaughn.
“Cole?” Gus twists his lips, glowering. “What the fuck?”
Knight clasps a hand on my shoulder, hitching a shoulder up while lighting a joint.
“The fuck is, you don’t fuck with my family and integrity and assume you get out of it in one piece. Or, you know, at all.”
Penn pushes Gus’s chest, and the latter tumbles into Colin’s arms.
“You’ve been spending the past four years taking bets in this place, never once getting your hands dirty. I think it’s time to remedy that. But first, let’s address the fact you are such a bitch, you resorted to trying to ruin Daria’s life because yours sucks ass. You spilled all her secrets. Throwing rocks when your house is made of glass.” Penn tsks, shaking his head. “When your house is made of nothing, actually. Bad call, Bauer. Terrible.”
Penn proceeds to circle Gus dispassionately, separating him from the rest of his crew. After the All Saints players see that Knight and Vaughn are with us, they take a few steps back. Not yet jumping ship, but visibly more wary about giving their team captain a glowing, full endorsement.
“You like secrets, assholes? Here’s a juicy one to keep you entertained. Gus’s mom is a whore. A real, get-paid-for-sex whore.” Penn lets loose a wicked smile, and Gus actually flinches in place, looking away. My mouth goes slack. What?
“Been sitting on this piece of info for four years now, never stooping to his level while he played filthy and tried shooting his mouth off. But now that he touched the only thing sacred to me, he is about to find out that even the sturdiest trunks can snap. Ever wondered why Bauer never throws parties at his crib? Why he never gives out his address? Yeah. That’s because he attends All Saints High on a scholarship. Sleeps in his fucking car. He’d sleep in his house, but it’s pretty busy there with horny fucks coming in and out every hour of the day and night. Oh, shit, I failed to mention—Gussy here is a neighbor of mine. A boy from the wrong side of the tracks, just like yours truly. That’s why he started the betting ring. That’s why he’s been paying off people to rig his games. He is just as desperate for a scholarship as I am. With one significant difference—one of us has talent and a future. The other just killed every chance of escaping here tonight.”
“Ohhhh,” the Las Juntas crowd, which I’m standing in the middle of, taunts, turning their thumbs down in a boo motion toward Bauer. Gus is bright red now, and despite everything, I feel sorry for him. For me. For all of us, really. Vanity cost us every single thing we achieved for ourselves. Our athletic career. Friends. Family. Our love interests.
Gus looks up, recovering quickly.
“Strangers might be screwing my ma. But you, Scully? Your worst enemy is screwing your sister. In every position under the sun.”
“Not my sister anymore.” Penn spits on the ground as he continues to circle him, still toying with his Zippo. “My sister was angry.” He raises his eyes to Via and smiles bitterly. “But she wasn’t soulless.”
I wish he’d stop saying things like that. I wish he’d stop playing with his Zippo.
If in the first act you have a pistol hanging on the wall, then in the following one, it should be fired.
“Penn.” Via runs toward him, but she stops halfway when his body freezes and his jaw hardens into a rigid square. “Please. You don’t understand. Hear me o
ut. I’m sorry, okay? You want a secret? You want dirt? I’ll give you filth that’ll make Daria very happy. Four years ago, when I ran away, I was heartbroken over quitting ballet and leaving you. But I was also heartbroken over leaving Gus. We loved each other,” Via cries out, pushing Gus’s chest as she turns to face her brother. “I thought he was the love of my life. Stupid, I know, but I was so young. We went to the same middle school together. He was my first crush, my first kiss, my first time sneaking out and jumping on rooftops together, defying death. When I came back, I desperately wanted everything I once had back. Getting back together with Gus was a no-brainer. I never realized how much he’d changed in the time we weren’t together, and he went to an all-rich high school and wanted to fit in. And I guess I changed, too. I was so focused on ruining things for Daria, I did it at the expense of gaining a family, and a friend, and my brother back.” Her shoulders slump, and for the first time since I met her all those years ago, Via turns around to look at me, and she doesn’t look like she hates me. She looks tired. Destroyed. She looks exactly how I feel.
“We all have embarrassing secrets. Every single one of us. We’re just happy it’s not our diary on display. My secret? I’ve always envied you, Daria Followhill, and I tried to hurt you as much as you hurt me. With the only difference that you only did one bad thing to me. I did a lot of nasty things, and now I’m more isolated than I’ve ever been before. Even in Mississippi. Revenge tastes like shit. I wish I had known that before I put everything on the line to get it.”
Colin steps forward. He runs his fingers through his hair, exhaling sharply.
“Gus told me to go for your quarterback’s leg,” he says. “That’s my secret. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I haven’t slept in two days. Haven’t eaten, either, which might explain why we were so crappy back there on the field. The truth is, my brother got drafted to the NFL, yet I’m a subpar player. My parents don’t even bother coming to our games. I wanted this championship so badly. I just wanted them to see me for once in my miserable life.”
Esme steps forward. It feels like a huge purge of feelings, secrets, and sins. The snake pit has never been more crowded…or poisonous. Yet the antidote to all the venom is honesty.
Esme huffs, taking off her high heels and throwing them across the field, leaving her barefoot.
“Shit. Ugh. I hate these!” she exclaims, laughing. “God, I hate heels. And those miniskirts.” She wiggles her butt as she tries pulling her very short skirt down her thighs. Blythe is beside her, eyeing her with a look I decode as fear.
“My secret? Ha. Where do I even begin? My mom told me I was fat when I was, like, probably five or something, and I pretty much haven’t eaten a carb since. Not that she cares anymore. She’s on husband number three right now and too busy traveling the world with him. I hate anyone and everyone with a semi-functioning family and therefore loathed Daria before she even opened her mouth. Then she started talking smack about her mom—who bakes cupcakes for us when we had pool parties at her house and used to braid Daria’s hair before school and send her with home-cooked food until this semester—and I had a really good reason to hate her. I want everyone to feel the pain I feel. All. The. Time. Maybe that’s why I’ve been fucking Vaughn Spencer since the beginning of the semester. Sorry, Bly—”
The slap comes before she can even complete the sentence. Blythe growls in her face and rushes toward me, flinging her arms over my shoulders. I freeze.
“I’m so sorry, Daria. Esme never should’ve gotten your title. I’m sorry I took her side. My secret is that I’m insecure, probably too insecure, to stand up against bullies. To tell people how I feel about them.” She sniffs, chancing a glance at Vaughn. “I don’t know. I sometimes feel like I’m too afraid to live.”
Esme looks up at me hesitantly, and I shake my head while drawing Blythe into a deeper hug. I feel bad for both girls, but that doesn’t mean I can forgive so quickly.
“I…uhm…” Adriana takes a step forward, wiping her sweaty palms on the back of her jeans. “I’m probably going to regret this as soon as it leaves my mouth, but I care too much about Penn not to say this when I have the balls to do it. Harper is not his, okay? I can’t say more than that, but Penn’s been sticking around because he is good, and responsible, and my best friend. Not because he should’ve or had any responsibility to. I outstayed my welcome in his life, even when it was so painfully clear that his heart wanted something I could never give him.” She looks up at him and chuckles to herself. “I’m sorry, Scully. I hope it’s not too late for you guys.”
He gives her a slight nod without looking at me.
“Hey, guys, I have a confession, too.” Knight steps forward, rubbing the back of his neck. “My dick is not six inches long. It is actually a full seven and a half inches. When flaccid. It’s really uncomfortable, and my junk gets hit practically anytime anyone goes for my legs on the field. It’s been really hard for me. All puns intended.”
Everyone bursts out laughing, other than Gus. Gus just keeps on standing and looking like his life is over. And I guess now that the truth about the rigged games is out, it kind of is.
“You forgot to give us a secret, Bauer.” Penn folds his arms on his chest.
“That makes the two of us.” Gus tilts his chin up.
“Tell you what, you go first, and if it’s good enough, we’ll strike a deal, and you’ll get out of here without a broken nose. That is if Daria gives me permission not to kill you.” Penn looks over at me, and I nod.
Gus blows out air. “You want a secret? One that’d save my skin? All right.” He looks over at Via, regret in his eyes. She sees it, too, and coils into herself, preparing for the blow.
“When I was born, my mama put me on the steps of our local church. The pastor knew her from around the neighborhood, so instead of doing the right thing and handing me over to the police, he gave me back to her. I guess she was too embarrassed not to take me back. He said he and the church would help us, but of course, the fucker never did. Your, er, stepdad, Rhett…” He coughs. Starts walking around in circles. Marx, no wonder we were all so terrible to each other. “He came to see us often. He used to talk about Penn like he was the next Jerry Rice. That’s what got me into football in the first place. Said Penn’s gonna make it big and buy his entire family mansions, and I wanted it, too. I started pursuing Via because I wanted to be close to Penn, but Penn was never close to anyone other than Cam and Kannon. Years passed. We all went our separate ways. And when Penn came to the snake pit months ago, drunk off his ass…” He trails off. “I gave him my best fighter, Vaughn, because I was hoping—praying, maybe—that he’d kill him. I didn’t want the competition. I need a scholarship, goddammit. Need out of this shithole before I become the help to the same people I grew up with in high school.”
There’s a beat of silence as his words soak into everyone’s brains.
“Your turn, Scully.” Knight grins beside me, squeezing my shoulder.
Penn turns around to look at me, so everyone else does, too. Even though I should be embarrassed because of everything that went down, and because practically everyone here knows all of my secrets, I’m surprisingly calm.
“I owe you two truths. One, I’ll give you now, Skull Eyes. But the other…” He takes a deep breath. “The other you’ll get if you decide to stick around. If Lady ends up with Tramp.”
He walks over to me and lifts my chin up with his finger. I stop breathing. Everyone circles us in a backdrop of faces and blurred figures. He’s the only thing I see, and maybe it’s always been this way. Maybe I needed to look for him when I still could and demand he took all my firsts as if I owed them to him.
“The truth about the holes in my shirts is as follows: My last recollection of Stan, my dad, was when he left us. I was five, and I’d been climbing on the tree in our backyard, trying to create a makeshift treehouse. I was fucking obsessed with treehouses. And forts. And sand castles. Looking back, I probably just wanted a real home, something I didn�
��t have. My dad didn’t want to spoil us, so he refused to help me build one. Anyway, I ended up falling on my ass, but on the way down, my shirt got caught on a branch, and a huge hole opened right where my heart is. It was a close call, for sure. My mother was already halfway addicted, so she just told me to be more careful next time. My dad’s mom, though, went berserk. Ioanna Scully is every shade of insane in the coloring book. The kind of religion that believes in curses and spells. She said I was an unruly boy, and I called her an old hag because that’s what my mom called her. Of course, I didn’t realize Mom was saying those things behind her back for a reason. At any rate, Ioanna cast a spell on me. She said my heart will be broken until I find the one. That I’m going to walk around with holes in my shirts to symbolize what I don’t have until I experience true love. But until then, I will be miserable. Naturally, I thought it to be bullshit. But then weird things started happening to me every time I didn’t wear the holed shirt. One time, I almost got run over. The other, the money I stole from my mom mysteriously disappeared from my pocket. A dog bit me, my bikes got stolen…so I started cutting holes in all my shirts as a safety measure. I had no choice. I got a lot of mouthfuls from my dad about it, obviously, but it worked.”
“What about when you play football?” I ask, mostly oblivious to our audience. I can’t believe he shared it with me. With both our schools, actually. Penn has always been so private. It’s a struggle to get him to admit what hour it is.
“I always have a holed shirt underneath my jersey.”
“And why do you sometimes have big holes and small holes? What does that mean?”
“My holes were the same size for a while. Until shortly before Via came back. Then I started cutting them smaller. That’s because…” He tilts his head and smiles at me, but it’s a sad smile, one that breaks my heart. “Well, now we’re treading into secret number two, and you’ll only get this if you’re going to stay. So, are you? Going to stay, Daria? Fight or flight?”