“I’m sorry if you don’t want to face the truth, but the whole reason the studio is putting so much money behind this film is because people want to see you together,” Angela says. “And because Jenna got her agents to make sure this would be a closed set, we haven’t released even a tid-bit of info. Rumors are going to start to spread on their own. And it would be so much better if we were the ones spreading the rumors, wouldn’t it?”
“You made this a closed set in your contract?” Tanner asks me directly. He seems shocked and maybe a little disappointed.
“Yeah,” I say. “It’s my first major role. My agent and I wanted to maintain control.”
“Interesting…” Tanner says.
“Excuse me?” I fire back.
“Okay kids. Let’s not fight.” She reconsiders. “Unless you’re willing to do it on camera…”
“No!” we both say. At least we’re on the same page there.
“Wow. Alright. Calm down. Just a suggestion. Let’s focus on answering some questions,” Angela says. “Jenna, you first. Who have you been dating since you and Tanner broke up?”
I’m silent for a second. I don’t want to go back on my decision to keep everything that happens on this set a secret. Carrie fought hard for that deal in my contract negotiations, but the last thing I want are rumors that I can’t control.
Maybe Angela is right? Maybe it’s better to confess a few simple facts to feed the beastly publicity machine.
“That’s a lot of years to cover,” I say, slowly, trying to decide what to admit. “I was with Derrick Aster, the model, for two years. Other than that, no one special. I’ve just been focusing on my work.”
“Cool, and you, Tanner?” Angela asks.
I feel my stomach drop. I realize that even ten years later I don’t want to have to hear what Tanner has been up to, dating-wise. We’re in the same business though, so rumors get around. I know he dated Jackie Lee, his old co-star from The Jet. She was actually a total sweetheart, which made it really hard to hate her after that news broke. I know that he also had an on-again off-again thing with Miley Banks who is not one or two but eight years younger than him, which is totally gross.
I start running through the other famous faces I’ve heard rumor of Tanner cuddling up to over the years, but my mind stops as he begins speaking.
“Well, after Jenna dumped me,” Tanner starts.
“Me? Dump you?” I jump in. “You dumped me!”
His eyes go wider than I’ve ever seen them. “You never even talked to me. You didn’t answer your phone, and I had to assume you’d broken up with me when I found your stuff gone from our apartment, because you couldn’t even deal with saying the words!”
“You cheated on me!” I yell. “Did you actually think I was going to stay after that?”
At that every head under the food tent turns. Shit. I immediately shut my mouth, but it’s too late.
“Oh please don’t stop talking now,” Angela says, clapping her hands excitedly. “This is too good.”
“What’s going on over here?” I hear someone say.
Walking toward us is Polly.
Thank god.
She’s been rumored to chase publicists off her set. She’ll save me.
“Nothing,” Angela says feigning innocence. “Tanner and Jenna are just…clearing the air.”
“To a publicist? I don’t think so,” Polly says.
I want to leap across the table and kiss her. She’s just stopped an all out war from breaking out.
Except then Polly turns her scowl from Angela to us. “Listen you two, I’ve worked on sets with conflict before. I’ve worked on sets with romance before. I don’t care what’s going on off camera.”
Now I’m nervous. This feels more like a scolding than a saving, and I need Polly in my court. Once again Tanner has put my job in jeopardy. If he hadn’t opened his big dumb mouth we could have gotten through the interview without any fireworks.
“But I do care about getting great work out of you two,” Polly continues, “And about channeling your emotions to the big screen. I took this job because I remember the chemistry that Janner seemed to have. It ignited an entire country. I was dying to see if that could be transferred to these characters. Your agents both assured me that your issues were far enough in the past that they wouldn’t be a problem, and I’ve had no reason to doubt that that’s true.”
She eyes us, letting us know that we better live up to her expectations. Then she smiles. “I see great energy right now. So, let’s take a beat, bottle this up and save it for the fight scene we’re filming this afternoon!”
Angela looks defeated. Tanner looks frustrated.
I wonder if anyone can see what I instantly feel come crawling across my face: fear.
I totally forgot that we were shooting the fight scene today, and now I’m legitimately worried that it’s going to end with me socking Tanner right in the face.
Tanner
Fight scenes are usually my favorite kind of scene to shoot. They’re the chance to really let loose with your character. You get to yell and scream. It’s a total release of energy and stress. It’s like a good workout or better yet, a boxing match.
And the best part is, it’s all just pretend.
Usually.
This time feels different. I’m standing across from Jenna wondering if she’s actually going to punch me in the face. For the record, that’s not in the script.
We’re filming a scene where Jenna’s character confronts my character about a receipt she found for a dinner he had at their first-date restaurant – The Landmark. There’s already tension between these two and this becomes the powder keg that sets it all off.
The logistics are simple. My character Bobby’s dinner receipt says two people dined, but a week before this fight he claimed that he went alone. He said it was the only place still open after his long day of work. Of course he knows that The Landmark is their spot, he says. Then Jenna’s character Grace finds out that he lied. He took a female co-worker to The Landmark. He swears he has a completely reasonable explanation, but she doesn’t give a shit.
It’s all feeling a little too familiar…
“You lied!” Jenna screams as we rehearse. “That’s a betrayal!”
“I lied because I knew you’d freak out at the truth!” I yell back. “Because you don’t trust me!”
“That’s right, Bobby. I don’t trust you because you don’t deserve my trust.”
“That’s ridiculous! Now you’re just making things up! You’re using me to make excuses for all your insecurity. Why? Because your parents got divorced? Because your ex cheated? I’m not them, Grace!”
“Don’t you dare bring my parents into this. This is about you. I see the way you look at other women. And I’ve heard rumors about what you say when I’m not around.”
“You’re going to blow up our relationship because of looks and rumors?”
“No. You are.”
“Cut!” Polly calls out.
Her voice knocks me out of the scene. Holy shit that was powerful. I can’t remember feeling that connected to a character, or that deep into the moment. Then again, I’ve never worked on something so close to my real life, with my former real life co-star. Polly’s instincts that our chemistry would transform these characters were spot on.
“Shit! We need to relight,” Polly says. “There’s a shadow on Jenna’s face. God damnit! That was going so well. Guys please do not lose this fire. Let’s take two minutes.”
“That won’t be a problem,” Jenna says, as she flips away from me. “I think I’m going to be pretty fiery anytime I think about what you said at lunch.”
“You mean the truth?” I ask.
That makes her flip back.
“I think it was pretty clear that we were over in your mind when you did what you did,” she says, fury blazing in her eyes. Then she stomps off. I see her tell the script coordinator that she needs to run lines. Which is a lie. We just ran them
several times with no problems. She just wants to avoid me.
Once again, I feel like I’m living in a memory. Though this time we’re actually having the fight. Ten years ago she left before listening to my side of the story.
I head over to the beverage station, grab an ice cold water and chug it. I’d like to punch something to get all my anger out, but right now I need to play it cool. And I need the crew to hurry up.
Ten excruciating minutes pass before Polly finally calls us back.
“Alright” she says. “Let’s get to starting marks Tanner and Jenna. We’re going to run it from the top. Still feeling feisty?”
“Oh yeah,” we both say at the exact same time. I see a boom operator smirk.
Fuck.
Does everyone on this set know exactly what’s going on here?
I realize I need to tone it down. Movie sets are like sieves for gossip. Anyone from a boom operator to the actual director can leak stuff to the press, which is exactly what Angela and her PR people want. If Jenna and I are at each other’s throats now, I can’t imagine how much worse it will be if news gets out that we’re fighting about our break up during scripted fight scenes.
“We need to tone it down,” I whisper to Jenna as we step into the scene. “People are going to start talking.”
“First, that’s your fault, not mine. You opened your mouth during our meeting with Angela. And second, people have been talking for ten years, Tanner. From the moment that TMI video hit the internet.”
And there it is: the infamous TMI video.
The fifteen seconds of video that ended the most real relationship I’ve ever had in my life.
In a freaky coincidence, it’s not all that different than the dinner receipt at the center of this fake movie fight. Jenna thinks it’s one thing and it’s something else entirely.
God, though, if I could take it back, I would. Even now, I would.
The video that ended our relationship was staged and harmless, but it did explode on the Internet. Jenna saw it before I did, which I regret. But what I regret more is that I let her go without fighting. I tried to find her, yes. I tried calling.
And then I stopped trying.
The first day we spoke on the set of this movie was the first time I heard her voice since our last phone call, the night before the video hit TMI.
That was ten years ago.
Hearing her mention that video right now makes my blood boil. She knew just when to drop it, too. Not when we’re someplace where we can have a real conversation about what went down, but when we’re surrounded by dozens of people so she could hide.
I thought I was over it, but I’m not.
Because I wasn’t the only one who could have tried. She could have tried to reach out to me too. Instead she was so ready to believe that I would have messed us up, so ready to believe that she meant nothing to me. She let me give her up without a fight. It pisses me off to realize that she still can’t admit that she gave up too.
She needs to hear it. I’m more than ready to tell her.
“Action!” Polly calls.
Shit. I missed my chance to respond. Suddenly we’re delivering our lines in rapid fire, but I’m not focused on a single thing other than what Jenna said. It’s like my mouth is performing, as my character, but my body and mind are fixated on Jenna. I cannot wait to say my piece once we get through this take. Luckily we fly through the lines.
“Nice guys!” Polly calls out. “You’re really killing it today. In fact, I’d like to try something that isn’t on the page. Would you be willing to add a little physicality to the scene?”
“Like one of us maybe hits the other one?” Jenna asks, her eyes sparking.
I see the same boom operator smirk again. If he isn’t careful I’m going to knock him out, if Jenna doesn’t knock me out first, that is.
“Ha! I was thinking more some light shoving, but let’s see what we come up with. Bill, can I have you step in for a second so we can light for additional movement? Two more minutes, guys. Then we’ll try this. Maybe you could run the lines with some ideas about spacing and movement while you wait.”
Jenna steps out of frame, and I follow.
“I don’t want to rehearse shoving you,” Jenna says. “I want to save it aalll for the scene.”
I pull her into a corner and bring her body close to mine. I want to make sure no one eavesdrops on our conversation, but Jenna is startled.
“What are you doing??” she says, pulling away.
“I could have explained that video,” I say.
“You should have tried to explain a long time ago,” she fires back.
“You shouldn’t have run away so that I could.”
The look on Jenna’s face is pure rage. It’s like she just watched the video all over again. She looks me dead in the eyes. “I didn’t run away. I moved on.”
She’s angrier than I’ve ever seen her in my life. She might be angrier than I’ve ever seen anyone. For a moment I am legitimately afraid she’s going to do something truly vicious.
Instead she turns and walks away again, this time toward the make-up station.
“Touch-up please!” she calls out to the team. She’s strong and steely, nothing like the timid girl I remember.
Suddenly a strange feeling comes over me. When I look at Jenna I realize that I can’t hate her. In fact, it’s the total opposite.
I still want her.
I need to take a walk around the lot to cool down and get some distance, but Polly’s crew is quick. We’re back on our markers before I’ve even had a chance to figure out what the hell is going on inside my head, inside my body.
Focus and get through it, Tanner.
That’s my mantra. This scene is five minutes long, max. I need to push through my lines. I need to remember that I’m not Tanner; I’m Bobby. And Jenna isn’t Jenna; she’s Grace. This is all pretend. This is all fake. My feelings are just because I’m really into character.
We start in on the scene. Jenna is still giving it 110%, and now she’s adding a push here and a shove there. It all feels incredibly real.
I quickly realize that I’m going to need a new mantra.
You’re acting, Tanner. Focus on the acting.
I try to shut down my mind and let the dialogue flow. It’s memorized. I’ve got this.
“Now you’re just making things up!” I say. “You’re using me to make excuses for all your insecurity. Why? Because your parents got divorced? Because your ex cheated? I’m not them!”
“Don’t you dare bring my parents into this,” Jenna hisses. “This is about you. I see the way you look at other women. And I’ve heard rumors about what you say when I’m not around.”
This time I step toward her and grab her arm after she finishes that line. My grip is tight. It startles Jenna. She pulls back quickly.
“You’re going to blow up our relationship because of looks and rumors?” I say. I’ve said it with anger every time before, but on this take I soften my voice. I’m not asking sarcastically. I’m asking honestly.
And I’m not asking for Bobby. I’m asking for myself.
“No. You are,” Jenna spits back, with feeling that’s all too real.
It’s painful for me to hear, but I can tell that it’s equally painful for her to say.
I reach my arm back out and pull her toward me, this time softly. Then I bring her in even closer until our lips are touching and I kiss her deeply. This kiss is not like the one we had during the first scene we shot together. There’s more aggression and intensity this time. My body reacts instantly. I know for a fact that if we were alone in a room right now, all our clothes would be on the floor in five seconds.
There’s silence on the set when I finally release Jenna. I’m too disoriented to see at first. My head is in a fog.
Then I hear a low clap.
“Incredible kiss, you two!” Polly calls out. “But, you guys know that’s not in the script, right?”
Jenna
I ignore the texts from my PA, grab a tea to go from a little shop I’ll never be able to find again. I keep walking. Keep trying to think about anything else.
Keep thinking about nothing but him.
Tanner as Bobby. Me as Grace. My feelings in her words, her words in my mouth. It was just acting, just a tough scene I tell myself. Just transference. It meant nothing.
So then why am I still walking?
My body tells me the answer before my brain allows me to think the truth: that kiss wasn’t acting.
It was more powerful than the first-scene kiss we shot. It was full of anger and passion. And maybe a little relief? We finally yelled and screamed some of the things we’ve both been holding onto for years. Scripted or not, it felt good. Maybe we should have talked earlier, when he’d first contacted Carrie after I signed on. It would have been awfully nice to have gotten that rage off my chest without an audience.
On the other hand, the scene was absolute perfection.
In more than one way, I think, as I absently brush a finger over my lips.
I can still feel Tanner’s kiss on them. It was like we were back in that pool where we first met, introducing ourselves and kissing for the first time all over again. He felt the same. He tasted the same. And instead of pushing him away, instead of being Grace, I’d kissed him back. He felt it, too, I’m sure of it.
And that makes everything so much worse.
How was I so turned on after he grabbed me and pressed his lips against mine? Why does he still have that power over me all these years later?
I’m confused and angry with myself. This was not supposed to happen. At least when we shot the on-screen kiss in the restaurant, I’d known it was coming. I thought I had more time, but I’d still been ready for it. This time, I was caught completely off guard.
It wasn’t scripted, and it wasn’t expected. Here I thought he was just being an asshole, but apparently he was feeling something else entirely. Although I’m not sure what. Was he truly moved by my obvious heartache, or did he simply feel that the scene was missing something? Does he have feelings for me or was that just a choice as an actor?