by Jill Shalvis
Page 30
Author: Jill Shalvis
She started to laugh, but then he got creative with his tongue, and she cried out instead.
He made good on his promise. A long time later, they both flopped to the mattress, breathing raggedly, sated, and completely worn out.
When Aubrey woke again, the sun was shining. She slipped from Ben’s arms and stared down at him, still asleep on the bed. He looked relaxed and young. His jaw was rough with stubble, his hair wild from her fingers. And if she wasn’t mistaken, he had a bite mark on his shoulder. She’d marked him. Fair enough, she thought, since he’d indelibly marked her. On the inside…
She’d done the unthinkable and started the slippery fall from lust to love.
Or maybe she’d fallen for him a long time ago…
Either way, big mistake. She began scooping up her clothes, but she was still trembling, little aftershocks of great sex. She stilled for a moment to gather herself, and then felt two warm hands settle on her arms and pull her back against an even warmer chest. And then a mouth brushed her shoulder.
“Pastor Mike?” she murmured.
A soft laugh huffed against her skin, and then he bit her. She laughed, too, but her smile fell away, and, unable to keep it inside any longer, she turned to face him. “Ben, what are we doing?”
“About to have some hot morning sex?” He reached for her, but she stepped back, her knees wobbling so badly she sank into a chair.
“But it’s just sex,” she said, meeting his gaze, trying to be as calm as he always was. “Right?”
He held her gaze but dropped his hands from her. “Aubrey—”
“I need to know, Ben. I need to know because I can’t be in this all by myself. I can’t. I—” God, she was such a hypocrite. She wanted him, like this, just like this. But there was the secret between them, one he didn’t even know about. She covered her face.
“Hey,” he said gently, kneeling beside her chair, placing his hands on her legs. “I thought you wanted it to stay simple, too. ”
“I do. ” But as he’d pointed out several times, nothing was ever simple with her. “Or I thought I did,” she added.
He held her gaze, but his own was a little hooded now. “I think of you all the time. And I know an awful lot of it is sex—an awful lot,” he said. “But not all. ”
Her heart did a funny dance. Either hope, or terror, she wasn’t sure which.
Both, she decided. Definitely both.
“But,” he went on slowly, still holding her gaze prisoner, because he was far braver than she was, “I didn’t need this. I didn’t want this in my life,” he said.
“I know. ” She rose abruptly. “I’ve worked hard to keep this just sex—for you, Ben, for your comfort level, so you wouldn’t think I was trying to drag you into a committed relationship. ” She turned back and found him standing right there, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. “You’re not going to turn into a lapdog, Ben. ”
His arms closed around her hard. “No?”
“No. And even though I risk breaking my own no-emotions clause, I care about you,” she admitted. “More than I wanted to. Much more. ”
He stared at her as if she’d just told him she was carrying a nuclear bomb.
“It’s supposed to be a compliment,” she said, and backed away. “One you aren’t expected to return. You know that, right?”
“Goddamn it,” he said, and she started at his shocking vehemence, because he never raised his voice. In fact, unless he had his tongue in her mouth, or any of his other body parts entangled with hers, it was difficult to tell what he was feeling.
But she felt his feelings now, loud and clear. Shock. Anger.
Fear.
Sympathy flooded her. He, the guy who was seemingly afraid of nothing, was afraid of her feelings for him. Or maybe he was afraid of what he felt for her.
Not that she blamed him. He’d already given a woman everything he had, and she was gone. “My feelings aren’t meant to be a burden,” she said softly. “But I won’t apologize for them, or take them back. ”
He closed his eyes. “I care about you, too, Aubrey, but…”
“But you don’t want to. I get it. ” It shouldn’t hurt. At all. “Never mind,” she said. “Subject change. ”
“You knew my feelings on this,” he said. “From the beginning. ”
“Yeah. Got them loud and clear,” she said.
He studied her for a beat. “Caring about someone means you’re open,” he finally said.
“What are you saying, that you’re not open?”
“I’m open,” he said. “I’m an open book. ” He lifted his hands out to his sides. “What you see is what you get. ”
Suddenly she knew what he was getting at, and her heart kicked again. “And you don’t think that’s the case with me. ”
“You’re smoke and mirrors, Aubrey. ”
Her heart started pounding. He knew. Maybe not the what exactly, but he knew something. “How so?”
“Forget it. ”
Forget it? Was he serious? She’d pulled on her dress. She had one boot on, the other in her hand. “Tell me or I’ll throw this at you. ”
He shook his head, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “That,” he said. “That right there. You dress like you’re going to some fancy tea, but underneath the clothes you’re ready to brawl for anything you believe in. You want people to think you’re tough and that you don’t care what anyone thinks, but you do. You care. A lot. ” He met her gaze. “You care too much. ”
“Well, I’m not going to apologize for that, either!”
“So why do you keep it your dirty secret?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your list,” he said, and her stomach sank, because here it came. Doomsday. “When are you going to tell me about the list?” he asked quietly.
She looked into his eyes and knew it was a huge risk, but she had to do it or lose him right here and now. “Okay. ”
“Okay?”
She let out a long, shaky breath. “About a month ago, I kind of wandered into a weekly AA meeting by accident. ”
“How do you wander into AA by accident?”
“Well, I was—” Running from him, in fact. “That’s not the important part. The important part is that when I was there, something happened. ”
“Pastor Mike. ”
She nodded. “No. Well, yes. Pastor Mike happened. He thought—” She broke off with a grimace. “He thought I was an alcoholic, so he brought me into that meeting. ”
He stared at her. “You went to an AA meeting even though you’re not an alcoholic. ”
“Yes. I know. But in the meeting I heard something that struck a chord with me. ”
“And that was?”
“Make amends with people you’ve wronged. ”
He stared at her, and then his eyes softened. “Everyone’s made mistakes, Aubrey. ”
Some more than others… “I know,” she said. “I’m just trying to own mine. ” She was going to have to tell him, and her knees went weak with fear and anxiety.
A frown of concern creased his brow, but just as he stepped toward her, there came the unmistakable sound of Ben’s front door opening.
Ben had his jeans on in a wink. Leaving them unfastened, he headed out to the living room, eyes flat and calm, body perfectly relaxed and yet somehow braced for violence at the same time.
“Jesus, Jack,” she heard him say.
By the time she finished dressing and fixing her hair, the scent of something delicious was coming from the kitchen. She followed the mouthwatering aroma of bacon and coffee and found Jack at the stove top stirring something, with Ben glaring at him.
Ignoring him, Jack smiled at Aubrey. “Hey,” he said. “Sorry for the interruption. Ben here didn’t mention that he was having a sleepover. ”
“Ben didn’t mention it,” B
en said, “because it’s none of your business. ”
“Testy in the mornings, isn’t he?” Jack said to Aubrey, not looking like he was in a hurry to go anywhere. He grabbed another bowl so that there were three lined up on the counter, and then he began filling them. “Just got off duty and brought a big pot of breakfast casserole to Mr. Sunshine here. There’s enough to go around, so have a seat. ”
“Oh,” she said. “No, thanks. I have to—”
“Sit. ”
“Resistance is futile,” Ben said drily. “He’ll just wear you down. ”
“It’s true,” Jack said.
Ben reached out with his foot and nudged a chair toward her.
She picked a different chair. One that was farther away from him. He arched a brow as he also sat. Kevin, the Great Dane, immediately leaped into his lap. Ben laughed and wrapped his arms around the dog. Kevin snuggled in as though he weighed ten pounds, not 150, and sent Aubrey a look from the security of Ben’s arms—My man, not yours.
Jack plopped into the chair that Ben had pulled out for Aubrey. “Aw, thanks, man. ” He blew a kiss in Ben’s direction.
In turn, Ben upturned his middle finger in Jack’s direction.
Jack grinned. “You’re just cranky because you think I’m going to ask Aubrey some awkward questions. ”
“You’re not going to ask a single question,” Ben said.
“Seriously,” Jack said. “For a guy who just got some, how can you still be pissy?”
Aubrey choked on her bite of the breakfast casserole.
Ben shot Jack a fulminating look and leaned over him to pat Aubrey on the back.
“We’re just friends,” Aubrey said to Jack, smacking Ben’s hand away. “And sometimes we’re not even that. ”
Jack grinned. “Do tell. ”
“Don’t,” Ben said to her. “Anything you say is just fuel for him. He’s Lucille in training. ”
“Sorry,” Jack said, looking anything but. “I just got excited that Ben’s got a friend other than me and Luke. He’s growing up so fast. ”
Ben sent him a look that would have had Aubrey peeing in her pants if she had been a man. She stood up and brought her bowl to the sink. She couldn’t eat. She couldn’t do this. They had so much more to talk about, she and Ben, but she wasn’t eager to do that, because then it would be over. She might never be ready for that.
Not that Ben was exactly showing signs of being ready for a relationship either. The most likely scenario was that he wasn’t ever going to be ready.
Oh, yes, she knew he wanted her in his bed.
But that wasn’t going to ever be enough for her. She knew that now. It hurt, deep down inside, and she didn’t know what to do. She’d promised herself she would tell him the truth—she’d very nearly done so only a few moments ago—but now she needed to think. Turning, she looked at Jack. “Thanks for breakfast. I’ve got to go. ”
Jack smiled at her. “Anytime. ”
She didn’t look at Ben. She was halfway through the living room before she was aware of him following her, but still she kept going. When she reached for the front door, a bigger hand got there first, holding it closed. She stared at the forearm lined with sinew and strength and let out a breath. “I have to get to the store, Ben. ”
“You’re leaving mad. ”
“No. ”
“Now you’re leaving mad and lying. ”
She dropped her head to the door. “Ben—”
He put his hands on her and turned her to face him. “There,” he said. “Now you can try to lie right to my face. ”
“I’ve got to go,” she said again. “Please, Ben. ”