by Roni Loren
She shook her head, tears tracking silently over her cheeks but fierce determination welling in her. “I don’t want a trophy on my mantel, Donovan. I don’t want a memory of happiness. I want happiness. And when we’re together we have that. I’m not saying your depression isn’t real or that I can fix it.” She swiped at her cheeks. “Believe me, if anyone knows about the power of brain chemicals, it’s me. But that disease preys on loneliness and you’re feeding it. You’re feeding it by pushing me and everyone else away and not fighting harder to keep this job or what we have going. What if opening yourself up to someone helps? What if when the darkness hits, you have me here to chase it with you?”
“I don’t need a nurse,” he said, the words sharp.
“That’s not what I’m saying.” She threw her hands out to her sides. “Hell, you act like I’d be signing up to be with some ticking time bomb, but have you thought about me? The risk label that comes along with my history? I have no idea if one day my mom’s disorder is going to sneak up and wrap its arms around me. My mom wasn’t diagnosed until her twenties. The docs think having a baby set off the imbalance. What if that happens to me?”
She’d never voiced that blinding fear out loud, but there it was. She wasn’t in the clear. She could have to face those demons, too. It kept her up at night sometimes. And hearing the words ringing in her ears, made her feel chilled all over.
“But it’s not going to stop me from living my life. How many people come through the doors of The Grove who are managing just fine despite their challenges? These things don’t doom us. We fight. Everybody fights. Every single person out there in the world has something to deal with. And people still find happiness and success and love and live full lives. That’s the whole point of our job. If it were hopeless, why would we go into work every day and try to help our clients? What would be the point? And what if we’re just what each other needs? Have you ever thought of that? I know it hasn’t been long, but what if the universe is giving us our shot and we’re turning our backs on it? What if this could really be something?”
He stared at her a long time, his gaze holding so much, but then he shook his head and stepped back with a smirk. “I can’t believe you’re going there. The One, Marin? I told you there’s no such thing. And if there is, I’m not it. You’ve only slept with one guy. You’re attaching to what’s familiar. Once I leave, you’ll see that. You’ve just got sex brain. This isn’t love and was never going to be.”
The words splashed over her like icy-cold water. She wanted to get through to him, knew this was his defense mode, but she’d be damned if she was going to stand here and be insulted, her feelings belittled. “So that’s it, huh? I lie about what happened. You get fired. And see ya in another life?”
He crossed his arms, that steel gate sliding back in place. “I never lied to you, Marin. I told you what this was from the start.”
She gritted her teeth and tossed the bottle of aspirin onto the bed with a rattle. “You didn’t lie to me. But you’re certainly good at lying to yourself.” She stabbed him with a look. “Watch me walk away, Donovan, and know that you’re not doing this for my own good. You’re not the martyr here. You’re doing it because you’re fucking scared.”
She turned on her heel and strode out. Past the guest room where he’d surprised her in the closet. Past the island he’d spread her out on. Past the table where they’d shared so many nights, laughing and being the one thing Donovan claimed he couldn’t be . . . happy.
She didn’t look back. She wouldn’t allow herself to.
But when she made it to her front door, she fell the fuck apart.
31
Marin took a minute at her door, trying to regain her composure and not walk in a sniveling mess in front of Nate. She wiped her face and evened out her breathing and prayed that he was in his room or the kitchen so she could sneak by. But when she walked in, she saw immediately that there was no shot of going unnoticed. Because not only was Nate there but so was the pink-haired girl, Blaine. But they weren’t discussing art this time or choosing which pizza to order. There’d be no room for discussion with the way they were all twisted up on the couch, Nate with a big handful of boob and his tongue in Blaine’s mouth.
What. The. Fuck? Marin thought the words were in her head, but apparently they’d slipped out because the two teens immediately jumped away from each other, Nate’s hand getting tangled in Blaine’s shirt liked it’d turned into a Venus flytrap.
“Shit.” Nate yanked his hand back and looked to Marin with wide eyes.
Blaine tugged down her shirt and scrambled up from the couch, panic on her face. “Uh, hi, yeah, I’ve gotta go.”
“Wait.” Nate reached for her, but Blaine was already grabbing her flip-flops and hauling ass toward the back door. Face as pink as her hair.
The screen door slapped the backside of the house and the reverb of silence was deafening. Nate looked back to Marin, surprise morphing into full out annoyance. “Jesus, Mar. What the hell are you doing home so early?”
The sharpness in his tone had her drawing up. He was going to come at her. Oh, hell no. “What are you doing feeling up a girl on my couch when you’re dating Henry? What are you doing feeling up a girl at all?”
Nate grimaced and tugged a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You don’t—” She shook her head. “What about Henry?”
Nate sneered as he stood. “You mean Henry who broke up with me weeks ago because he didn’t want a long-distance relationship?”
She blinked. “Weeks ago?”
“Yeah, if you ever bothered to, you know, speak to me lately, I might’ve had a chance to tell you. But no, you’ve freaking lost your mind. Drinking. Going out every night. Screwing your boss.”
Her lips fell open.
He scoffed. “Like I didn’t know. I’ve heard you talking to him on the phone. Blaine told me who Donovan is.”
“He’s not my boss.”
“Whatever he is. You barely sleep anymore. You come home at all hours.”
She couldn’t believe she was getting berated by a teenager. “I’ve been seeing someone. Sue me.”
“Sue you?” His jaw clenched. “God, you don’t even see it. But then, I guess you wouldn’t.”
His dismissive tone pushed all of her bitch buttons. Her emotions were too raw, too exposed for this right now. “See what? That my little brother is jealous that I’m dating someone?”
“Jealous? I don’t care if you’re seeing someone. I care that you’re turning into our fucking mother.”
The accusation stabbed right through her, ripped downward. “Nate.”
“How long before you lose your job? Or go nuts because he breaks your heart? Or—”
“Come at you with a kitchen knife?” she asked, unable to stop herself. “Is that what you think?”
He stretched his arms out to his sides. “How the hell am I supposed to know, Mar? Maybe. You’re scaring the shit out of me. You used to be able to tell if I had a bad day just by looking at me. I couldn’t hide anything from you. But this last month, I’ve gone through the worst breakup of my life, have barely been able to deal with this move, and then I freaking started up something with a girl. I could be bi. I have no clue what to do with that. I don’t want to be that. And the one person who could maybe help me piece all this shit together has forgotten I exist. And I could be losing her like I lost Mom. I could be watching it happen right before my eyes and not be able to do a damn thing about it.”
Every word was like a cut to Marin’s skin. But when Nate’s eyes filled with tears, she bled full-out. Her brother was terrified. She’d been so wrapped up in her own thing that she’d failed to see the person most important to her in the world waving his arms for help. She’d met Donovan and sent Nate to the back of the line.
Nate crossed his arms, holding his elbows tight, and the tears finally fell.
Her feet moved forward on their own, every bit of anger in
side her slipping away. Nate flinched when she touched him, but then he let her wrap her arms around him. The tall eighteen-year-old kid folded in her hold, sagging into it and crying. Nate was one of the toughest people she knew. He’d handled so much. But sometimes she forgot how vulnerable he was, how young. He was in this world alone except for her. She was the anchor, and she’d let herself become unmoored, leaving him to float away. She’d become unmoored by a guy. By a relationship that guy didn’t even want.
She knew she wasn’t her mother. But this part, this part seemed all too familiar. She’d fallen headlong into something and had lost sight of everything else. And Nate’s words rang all too clear. Next you’ll be losing your job.
That was a painfully real possibility. She’d planned to go in to Dr. Suri’s office and tell the truth, that she’d been as much an instigator of the relationship as Donovan had been. But what if that meant she’d be let go, too? In all this, she’d forgotten why she was here. This job meant Nate’s schooling. This job meant security for them both. Without it, they were back to scraping by, Nate’s dreams would drift past without him and so would hers. If she told the truth, she was risking everything. She was risking Nate.
She tightened her arms around him. “I’m so sorry, honey. So sorry. But you don’t need to be scared. I promise I’m okay. It’s all okay. I’m just dealing with the oldest mistake in the book—falling in love too quick and too hard.”
Nate lifted his head at that, surprise all over his tearstained face. “You’re in love with the guy?”
She wiped at his tears with the back of her hand and shook her head. “Doesn’t matter, kid. He doesn’t feel the same way. It’s done.”
He frowned, his eyes searching her face as if just noticing her disastrous state. “I’m sorry, Mar.”
“Yeah, me, too.” She gave him a sad smile. “And I’m sorry about Henry.”
Nate pressed his lips together like the pain was almost too much to voice. “He didn’t just break up with me. We waited for each other all that time. But the second week I’m gone, he went to a party and slept with someone. I know you think I’m young, but I thought he was it for me.”
“The One,” Marin said softly.
Nate’s shoulders sagged. “Yeah.”
She put her hands to his cheeks, her own heart breaking in her chest. “Don’t worry. He wasn’t The One.”
Nate’s eyes lifted to hers. “How do you know?”
She pulled him back into a hug, needing her brother as much as he needed her. “Because there’s no such thing.”
* * *
After a long night of lying awake, Marin walked into Dr. Suri’s office first thing the next morning with her goals in mind. She would not lose this job she’d come to love. She would not jeopardize her brother’s dream.
But she also couldn’t lie.
As much as she needed to keep this position, she wouldn’t hold on to it by throwing Donovan to the wolves. He may have hurt her. He may have broken her heart. But professionally he’d done nothing wrong. She wasn’t going to say otherwise.
Women were harassed and taken advantage of at jobs every day. She had the utmost respect for Dr. Suri handling this with a swift and strict hand. Marin would’ve killed to have that kind of person on her side at her first waitressing job when her supervisor kept telling her how nicely she filled out the uniform. But with Donovan, this had been both of their faults. Two combustibles had been put into the same tank. Things were bound to ignite.
So when she sat down in Suri’s office, she was armed and ready to handle the questions she knew would be thrown at her.
Dr. Suri settled into the spot behind her desk and offered Marin a kind smile. “I’m sure you know why I asked you here today, Dr. Rush.”
“I do.”
“Do you feel comfortable with me being the person you speak with about it?”
“Yes.” Marin felt like she’d been put on the stand.
Suri nodded and folded her hands atop her blotter. “Dr. Rush, I have a list of formal questions I’m supposed to ask you. But I’d rather we just talk about this straight. Why don’t you tell me what happened?”
Marin cleared her throat and linked her fingers, trying to keep them from trembling. “First, I need you to understand that this was in no way harassment or coercion or anything like that. Donovan and I had a brief relationship back when I was eighteen. He didn’t know at the time that I was so young. I lied about my age.”
Suri’s brow quirked up almost imperceptibly.
“And I didn’t realize when I accepted the interview here that I’d be working with him. We hadn’t kept in touch. But when I found out he’d be my trainer, we talked it out on day one and agreed to let the past be the past and forget it happened.”
“I’m assuming that didn’t work out.”
Marin shook her head. She wanted to come up with a professional way of explaining it, make this less awkward, but the words wouldn’t fall together right. So the truth came out of her instead. “You ever had a person in your life who just sparks something for you? Like if he’s in the same room, even if you don’t see him, you somehow sense he’s there? Like your brain and body are somehow attuned to that particular frequency?”
Suri didn’t answer but something in her eyes told Marin that maybe she had had that experience at some point.
Marin sighed. “That’s Donovan for me. It’s my fault that I didn’t see the risk in taking the job. I thought I’d be able to block out that attraction. I’m a rule follower by nature. And this job means everything to me. Coming into this, I would’ve told you that nothing could tempt me to put this position at risk. Nothing. I would’ve bet everything I had on it.”
“Then Donovan West happened.”
Marin laughed, no humor there, but the sound blurting out. It just fit so perfectly. Donovan happened. Like he was an earthquake or a lightning strike or some world-altering event. He had been her world-altering event. “Yes. And I promise you that nothing ever happened that compromised my training or our clients’ care. Our relationship was off the clock and private. What you walked in on yesterday wouldn’t have gone further than that. We just got caught up in a moment because I was excited about a breakthrough with a particularly difficult client. Yes, we were reckless to start up this kind of thing because off-hours relationships can cause tension at work when things go badly, but neither of us would ever compromise care. That was never a question. When we were at work, we were working. I’m sure if you talk to any of the clients, they would say they were receiving professional, top-notch treatment.”
Suri sat back in her chair. “I have talked to some of your and Donovan’s clients as well as your colleagues as part of your probationary period. All have had good things to say about you. Well, mostly all.”
Marin released a breath. “Let me guess, Dr. McCray isn’t a fan.”
Dr. Suri smirked. “I’m well aware that Dr. McCray has personal feelings that are clouding her judgment. She and Dr. West have bad blood over political matters at the institute.”
If only it were just that. But Marin kept the thought to herself.
“And I’m glad to hear that this wasn’t a harassment situation. Though being in a relationship with someone who is training you is less than ideal.”
Marin looked down. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Dr. Suri sighed. “There are no rules against fraternization outside of work here. It’s not my favorite thing, but it’s not grounds for termination. And I’m aware that we work long hours and many of us live on campus. Entanglements are bound to happen.”
Marin’s heartbeat pounded against her ribs and her palms were sweaty, but she liked how this was sounding. “So I’m not getting let go?”
“No, Dr. Rush. Your job is safe. Though, you will continue on your probation period.”
Marin nodded, relief like a waterfall through her. “Of course. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate another chance.”
“I�
��m impressed with your work. Keep that up and you should be fine.”
The thrill of knowing her job was safe quickly crashed when she thought about the rest of the equation. “What about Donovan?”
Suri shifted, her chair squeaking. “That’s up to him.”
Marin frowned. “What do you mean?”
She tilted her head. “Dr. West came in here yesterday and said he’d crossed a line he shouldn’t have in his position, and he tendered his resignation. He made me promise I wouldn’t dismiss you from your job for his mistake.”
“What? He told me you put him on suspension.”
“Did he now? Interesting.” Suri adjusted her glasses and her lips twitched into a sardonic half-smile. “I probably shouldn’t say this. If you repeat it, I will deny every word.”
Marin stilled, not sure what to brace for. “Okay.”
“Despite what Dr. West believes, I don’t have it out for him. I wouldn’t suspend him without solid evidence that there was wrongdoing. Donovan is one of the most brilliant doctors I’ve ever met. He’s one of the best we’ve ever had or will ever have. The way he connects with the clients is something to behold. He could go all the way to the top here. But he is a man obsessed. Work is everything to him, his clients his only focus. Nothing stands between that. Which could be a good thing in many situations but bad in others. And he has driven me up a wall and back with his continuous refusal to compromise with others. My job here is often as referee, making sure everyone is getting along so that this place can run like one team with a common goal. But all Donovan’s focused on is his department and how he wants to run it. He couldn’t manage to have a partner on his wing because he chased everyone off. The X-wing is his baby and that’s just how it was going to be.
“But yesterday, that man who would never let anyone or anything come between him and his work, who has been fighting like a pit bull for a promotion since last year, lied to me and gave up the one thing he cared the most about—his job. He gave it all up without hesitation in order to protect you.” She shook her head. “And then you came in here, knowing you could secure your job by throwing him under the bus and you didn’t.”