“Thank you for being honest.”
I nodded, unable to take my eyes off her now. “It’s the truth.”
She adjusted the blankets over herself and sat up when she said, “I’ll talk about almost anything, but it’s not easy for me to talk about my feelings for you because getting rejected by you is about the only thing that could destroy my pride. But you mean more to me than my pride, more to me than probably anyone ever has. I don’t want to lose moments with you. I don’t want you to push me away like you have been because you’re afraid. I need you to know that if we screw up and fail, no matter what happens, you won’t lose me, okay? I’ll always be here.”
Hearing her say that meant everything. Now, I had to work on believing it.
“Okay.”
“I’m going to go to sleep.”
I left her bedroom in a daze.
Her scent was all over my bedding that night as I played her words in my head over and over again.
Over the next several months, that conversation in Skylar’s bedroom would haunt me. I don’t want to lose moments with you. I’ll always be here.
I wondered if she sensed something that day, because I could have never predicted that the possibility of losing Skylar would take on a whole new meaning.
CHAPTER 9
SKYLAR
I perused my closet for just the right outfit. Even though it wasn’t technically a date, Mitch had asked me to go to the movies with him, and it would be just the two of us. There was a new Adam Sandler flick he really wanted to see, and he’d be driving us there in Janis’ Accord.
It was a Saturday night, but Mitch hadn’t been going out on dates with the girls from school lately. We never discussed why. It was obvious that he’d been making excuses over the past few weeks to hang out with me on weekends, too. Normally, we stayed in with Angie and Cody or with Davey. Tonight would be the first in a while where Mitch and I were going out somewhere together alone.
I was nervous, not for the movie but for what would be happening when we got home.
I put on a pair of dark jeans and a flowy, yellow tunic that had gold sequins on the neckline. I blew my hair out pin-straight and sprayed on some of my mother’s expensive Jean Paul Gaultier perfume. What the hell, I’d put on some heavy eye make-up and go all out. He needed to remember what I looked like tonight.
It had been about six weeks since the night in my room when Mitch admitted he wanted me while I was holed up in bed with a fever. In the days that followed, I had continued to feel off-kilter physically. Some days, the fever returned and other days, I just felt lethargic.
My mother finally convinced me to go to the doctor a couple of weeks ago. My assumption was that Dr. Stein would send me home with a prescription for antibiotics, and that would be the end of it.
The doorbell rang, startling me out of my thoughts.
“Skylar! Mitch is here,” my mother yelled from downstairs.
“Tell him to come upstairs!”
When the door opened, my breath hitched at the sight of him. His hair was wet, perfectly wavy with a loose piece falling over his forehead. He was more dressed-up than I had ever seen him, wearing a navy sweater under a black, wool jacket. He smelled like heaven: a mixture of musk, shower wash and masculinity. The sweater hugged his muscular frame, which was more sculpted lately. He had just turned seventeen, looking less like a boy and more like a man everyday.
He swallowed. “Skylar…you look—”
“I know. I worked hard at it. I damn well better look good.”
“Better than good. I was gonna say…beautiful.”
My heart fluttered. I took a deep breath, inhaling him. He hadn’t ever called me beautiful before. It should have felt good, but instead, it felt like someone had punched me in the gut.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Mitch continued to stand in the doorway. It was quiet except for the noise of my radiator when the heat turned on. When his eyes wandered down the length of my body, it felt like I could feel him on me. My nipples hardened. I didn’t know whether this was technically a date, but tonight felt different in more ways than one.
I held up my necklace. “Will you help me put this on?”
He approached me and took it from my hands. I lifted my hair, and he reached his arms over me and connected the lobster clasp. Mitch’s hands lingered on my shoulders before he gave them a light squeeze, and his breath warmed the back of my neck.
I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent before turning around to find his blue eyes, steely and striking, staring back at me. He licked his lips and seemed anxious. About what, I couldn’t be sure.
It shattered me because he had no idea what was going to be happening tonight.
“Ready to go?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
Mitch played Metallica as we drove the few miles to the movie theater, which was packed.
He held the door for me and winked, speaking in a faux British accent. “After you, my lady.”
“Why, thank you.” I smiled. He didn’t know that his attempt at charm in that moment had almost made me cry. He didn’t realize how badly I was trying to hold it together.
“You want something to eat?”
“No, I’m not hungry at all.”
He examined my face. “You’ll regret that decision when you see me eating. I’ll get something, and if you change your mind, you can have some of mine.”
“Okay.” I forced another smile.
The show was nearly sold out, and we struggled to find two seats together. We managed to snag some way in the back.
The lights dimmed, and a feeling of dread came over me.
About fifteen minutes into the movie, I could feel Mitch’s eyes on me. My body quivered when he suddenly moved closer and whispered in my ear, “Is everything okay?”
How did I ever think I could make it through this movie?
I nodded, trying to fight the teardrops forming in my eyes. “Yeah.”
I could feel his hot breath in my ear again. “You haven’t been laughing at anything. Are you not liking it?”
“I’m sorry.”
He squeezed my leg. “Don’t be sorry. I just want you to have a good time.” The smile he gave me after he said it made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He had no clue I was about to rip his out, too.
When he repositioned himself away from me, I longed for him to say something else just so I could feel his breath on my skin. I needed him. All I wanted was to be with him tonight, but this was the wrong place.
My mind was some place else entirely amidst the muffled sounds of laughter in the theater. My heart started to beat faster, and beads of sweat formed on my forehead.
He noticed me fidgeting. I flinched when his warm hand landed on my own, which was now shaking. When I turned to look at his concerned face—my sweet Mitch—the first teardrop fell from my eye.
I want to see you grow into a man.
I love you, Mitch.
I’m scared.
His expression darkened. His chest was rising and falling when he realized I was crying. The movie seemed to fade into the distance as he looked at me alarmed.
He squeezed my hand and nudged me up out of the seat, pummeling his full popcorn to the ground. We brushed past the legs of the other people in our row as we made our exit. He led me out of the dark theater into the bright lights of the vestibule, which was empty of patrons. I looked down at the red carpet. When I looked up into his terrified eyes in the fluorescent light, my tears came on full force.
I buried my face in his neck, and Mitch pulled me closer into him. His heart was beating a mile a minute onto my chest.
It wasn’t supposed to happen here like this. I just wanted a couple of normal hours hanging out with my best friend. Was that too much to ask? I thought of all the moments with him I had taken for granted.
“Skylar, you’re scaring me. Please…it’s okay. Please tell me what to do. Just tell me wha
t to do. What’s wrong?”
My tears had soaked through his sweater.
He knew nothing. I hadn’t told him anything at all that could have prepared him for this. I didn’t know where to begin. This was going to crush him, and I couldn’t bear it.
“Can you just take me home?”
“No. Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
“I can’t…not here.”
“Did I do something to upset you?”
I pulled back and touched his cheek. “No, of course not.”
He took my hands in his. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
I nodded through my tears.
He continued, “I think I know what this is all about.”
“What?”
Did my mother tell Janis?
He lifted my hands to his mouth and kissed them. “I’ve been a fucking fool, Skylar…messing with your mind.”
“Um—”
He interrupted me. “Let me talk. This isn’t easy for me, okay?”
My stomach fell. “What are you doing?”
“I am trying to tell you…that I think…we should try being more than friends. I thought a lot about what you said that night in your room, how you would always be in my life no matter what. You hit the nail on the head. I’ve just been scared to lose you. But more and more, I want to try it. I want to try…everything…experience everything with you. I can’t…stop thinking about it.”
This couldn’t be happening tonight. I couldn’t find the words.
The look in his eyes broke my heart when he said, “I just poured my heart out to you. Say something…please.”
The room started to spin, and I grabbed onto him for support. “I have cancer.”
CHAPTER 10
MITCH
There are some moments in life that you just know you will never be able to erase from memory no matter how hard you try.
The moment that the girl that meant more to me than anything uttered those three words was one of them.
At first, it just didn’t compute. My nerves were still reeling from building up the courage to tell her I wanted to be more than friends. I had been practicing what I would say for days and was planning to talk to her later tonight.
So, this was an absolute shock.
When I didn’t respond, she lowered her voice and repeated, “I have cancer, Mitch.”
My hands were on her shoulders and started to shake, my body unsure of how to react. “What do you mean? I mean…how…how did this happen?”
“You know I hadn’t been feeling well…”
“Yeah…but that was weeks ago. You went to the doctor. You were feeling better.”
She briefly closed her eyes then looked up at me. “I did, but I never told you what happened because I didn’t want to scare you until I knew what I was facing. When he examined me, he found a lump in my neck and asked me how long I’d had it. I told him it had been there for a while. I never thought anything of it because it wasn’t painful. He checked the rest of my body and found another one in my groin area. He told me not to worry but that he would be ordering some blood tests just to be sure everything was okay.” She looked down, and tears returned to her eyes. “I hadn’t even taken my mother with me that day.”
My stomach began to turn, made worse by the smell of greasy popcorn, and I felt something sour rising in my throat.
You will not do this. You will be strong for her if it’s the last thing you do.
I wiped her eyes with my fingertips. “Take your time, but I need you to tell me everything.”
She nodded through her tears and sniffled. “The blood test came back abnormal, so I had to go back for an MRI.”
I breathed in and out, gearing up for what she would say next and took her hands, wrapping her fingers in mine. They were freezing. “Okay…”
“The images also showed abnormalities. I didn’t tell you, but instead of going to my Dad’s that one weekend, I had minor surgery to remove parts of the lymph nodes, so they could test them.”
The thought of anything cutting into her made me cringe. “And?”
“They found abnormal cells in them.”
My heart was beating faster than I could ever remember. My body tensed and felt like it was shutting down and gearing up for war at the same time. “They’re sure…that means it’s cancer?”
“They told me I have Hodgkins Lymphoma.”
As soon as she said it, the door to a nearby theater burst open and loud, laughing people came flooding out. I wanted to kill each and every one of them. She was still talking, but my ears were throbbing, and it felt like she was far away even though her hands were still in mine.
“Stage three…”
“They said I have to have chemo and maybe radiation…”
“I’m going to lose my hair, Mitch. I’m so scared.”
My head felt like it was going to explode, and my heart was slamming against my chest. I needed air.
“We need to get out of here.” I led her out of the theater into the parking lot. It was freezing out, and I could see my breath. I suddenly stopped walking, turned to her and frantically fastened each button of her coat. “It’s cold.”
She must have seen that I was losing it. She clasped my hands to stop me from fumbling for more buttons when there weren’t any left. “Mitch?”
I looked into her eyes, shook my head in disbelief then pulled her into me, holding onto her for dear life. We stayed there in the middle of the parking lot for minutes on end. My nose was in her hair, smelling every inch of it, thinking about what she had told me, that she was going to lose all of it. This didn’t seem real. My eyes started to sting.
You will not cry. She’s fine. She’s in your arms.
It felt like a dream I couldn’t wake up from.
When we returned to the car, we sat and let it idle with the heat on. A Great Big World’s Say Something came on the radio. That song is depressing under normal circumstances, and I couldn’t bear to hear it, so I shut it off.
I stared blankly at a swarm of people who just converged upon the parking lot, their distant laughter piercing me like a knife. Her hand was in mine, and I rubbed over it gently with my thumb. A million thoughts went through my head, but they all led to the same conclusion: I had to be strong for her. I had to take care of her.
Skylar broke my trance. “There’s one more thing.”
My body tensed. What else could there possibly be?
She continued, “My parents discussed it, and they decided that it’s best if I get treated in New York. My mother would lose her job if she had to take me to appointments and everything here. She can’t afford that, and we would lose the house. Because Oliver works from home and makes his own hours, they think it’s better if I live with him and Lizete. He’ll take care of me while I’m undergoing chemo. Mom will come out every weekend.”
“That’s three hours away.”
“I know, but it’s the only way that makes sense.”
My eyeballs moved from side to side trying to think of a solution, anything that could stop her from leaving. “Stay here. I’ll take you to your appointments. I’ll take care of you.”
“How can you do that with school?”
“I’ll fucking drop out. Nothing is more important than you.”
“I would never let you do that. Never. That’s not an option. I wouldn’t be able to live with that guilt.”
I wouldn’t be able to live without…you.
“Well, thinking about you going through all that so far away from me where I can’t be there for you…is not an option for me.”
“It’ll be okay. This isn’t up for negotiation. It has to be this way.”
Her body shook from the cold, so I blasted the heat.
The reality of the fact that I wouldn’t be able to stop her from leaving set in. “I’m coming to Brooklyn every weekend, then. When does it all start?”
“A week from tomorrow.”
No.
***
The drive home was a blur. I barely remembered walking Skylar from the car to her house or what we said to each other before I ended up standing alone in the middle of our quiet street. It was freezing, and my toes felt numb from the hard snow crunching under my feet.
Lacking even the energy to open my front door, I looked up at the dark sky with an anger I’d never experienced before, wondering how God could have allowed this to happen to her.
I willed the frigid air to take the pain away. Please.
When I finally walked into the house, my mother immediately lowered the volume on the evening news, the look of concern on her face revealing that she knew exactly what had happened tonight.
I was too exhausted to speak any louder than a whisper. “You knew?”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes but didn’t say anything.
I repeated, “Mom? You knew about this?”
“Only for a couple of days. She wanted to tell you herself, Mitch. She had every right to do that.”
It felt like my head was burning up. Suddenly, I screamed at the top of my lungs. “How the fuck could you keep this from me?”
“I’m sorry. I promised Tish!”
I’d never spoken like that to my mother before and immediately regretted it. “I need to be alone.” I stormed past her, and she pretended not to notice as I opened the liquor cabinet and took a small bottle of vodka to my room.
It was going to be a long road ahead, and alcohol wouldn’t solve it, but for one night, I just needed to forget.
***
The next morning, I forced myself out of bed with a massive hangover and vowed to make every single minute of this week count. I wanted to take her to all her favorite places like the Cheesecake Factory and the butterfly museum. She refused all of it, saying she wanted to just spend time hanging out at home with me.
Two of the days, Davey and Angie joined us for dinner at Skylar’s house. Our moms cooked up all of her favorites: homemade pizza, sloppy joes and fettuccini Alfredo. It was like a party every night, but Skylar barely touched any of the food.