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Asking which “her” he’s referring to isn’t necessary. “No.”
“Fuck. Me, either.”
I finally stop my search and motion him outside. “Where’s she staying?”
“Must be with him. All her shit’s gone from the apartment.”
Guilt because of the rift I caused between Marcel and Heidi settles in my gut. “Stop by his place?”
“Not yet. I’m afraid I’ll kill him.”
“Did you talk to Hope? Bet you Heidi’s spoken to her.”
His mouth twists down. “No.”
“What’s your deal with Hope, anyway? You said some dickish things about her during that fiasco.”
“I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was just so pissed.” My best friend shrugs and turns toward the woods. “I don’t know. Been a lot of changes since she got here.”
Maybe a joke will pull him out of his funk. “What’s the matter? You mad ‘cause Trinity caught monogamy from Hope?”
He glares at me. Guess it’s too soon to rib him about Trinity.
“That was obviously never gonna happen,” he says.
“No shit.”
Teller keeps pining away over Trinity like this, Wrath’s gonna straight up murder him one of these days, so I return to our first topic. “Rock’s happier than he’s ever been. Hope’s good to everyone. What else you want?”
“Christ, keep it up, I’ll think you’re in love with her.”
Now it’s my turn to look away. “You know who I’m in love with.”
“Don’t go there, bro.”
“She’s been like a mother to Heidi.”
At the word mother he turns and glares at me. “Yeah. And I don’t want Heidi getting hurt when Hope decides she’s had enough and takes off.”
Whoa. We’ve been closer than brothers for years. Have seen and done everything together. There’s nothing we don’t know about each other. But it’s not like we sit around discussin’ our mommy abandonment issues. All that shit’s in the past. At least for me it is. “Bro,” I say gently so he doesn’t take my head off. “She’s not Heidi’s mother. If she didn’t leave when Rock was in jail, she’s not going anywhere. Besides, even when she and Rock were apart, she didn’t abandon Heidi. Took her shopping and all that other shit.”
His fists open and close. “Yeah, I know.”
I love him like a brother, but Teller can be a dick. He’s also loyal to his core and protective of people he cares about. So I know he probably already feels like shit for disrespecting Rock, and figure I should drop it.
We’re interrupted by Z riding in. He’d taken off right after the Axel clusterfuck and no one had seen him since. He parks his bike in the garage and joins us.
“Where you been, fucker?” Teller asks Z.
Z’s mouth slides into a smirk. “Here and there.”
We each get a brotherly hand-grab and hearty backslap.
“You need me to look at the ol’ gray ghost?” I ask, nodding at the garage.
“Nah, I’ll take care of it later. What’re you two doing out here?”
I don’t get to answer, because Hope jogs into the parking area from the woods. She’s dressed to work out and smiles brightly when she sees us.
“What’re you doing here, First Lady?” I call out. I’m dying to talk to her. But I want to do it alone. Not in front of Teller and certainly not in front of Z, who can’t be serious for five seconds.
“Oh, geez. You’re all here.” She reaches up and gives Z a quick hug. “Where’ve you been?”
“Around.”
Teller nods at her. “What’s up?”
“We’re going to use the yoga room for actual yoga,” she teases. We turned the room—a room the hippie cult who owned our compound before us used for a yoga studio—into a champagne room, complete with shiny stripper poles and all. More often than not, it ends up being an orgy room. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her to wipe down any surface she plans to touch first, but Z interrupts.
“Who’s we?”
“Swan, Trinity, and me. Swan’s finishing her hours to become a certified instructor, and Trinity and I volunteered for the free classes. Win-win.”
None of us know what to say to that. I’m pretty sure all three of us know Swan—intimately. But I doubt one of us knows fuck-all about what she does when she leaves the MC.
Hope shakes her head, as if she’s thinking the same thing I am and finds it pathetic. For the first time in my life, I kind of agree with her.
I keep that to myself.
“I’m still allowed to visit, right?” she asks.
“I think you just miss us,” I tease, and she grins.
“Maybe a little. And I miss the gym.”
“Surprised prez hasn’t put a gym in your basement,” Teller says.
For some reason, Hope’s cheeks turn a little pinker, but she doesn’t have a chance to respond.
“Nah, they put a sex room in the basement. No room for a gym.” Z chuckles and takes two steps back from Hope, who blushes even redder.
“Who told you that?” she demands.
“Who do you think installed the keypad?”
She crosses her arms over her chest. “You don’t have to blab about it.”
“Ew, it’s true? Fuck, I don’t need to know what Mom and Dad are doing in their basement.” I rumble with laughter and next to me, Teller does as well.
Hope turns her glare on me. “I am not old enough to be your mother.”
“Thank fuck, otherwise his crush on you would be extra weird,” Teller mutters loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Fuck you, asshole.” My fist lands solidly in his bicep and he falls over, laughing. At least he’s not being a moody prick anymore.
“All righty then. This has been…fun.” Hope draws the word out, letting us know it’s been anything but. “Now, I have a date with two hot chicks.”
Z watches her walk away in a manner that would get his ass kicked if Rock were here to witness it. I lash my foot out, kicking him in the calf. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?”
His head snaps back my way. “What?”
“Why you picking on her? Rock’s gonna kill you.”
His shoulders lift and he grins like an idiot. “Nah, she knows I’m only messin’ with her.”
Teller leans over and fake-whispers. “He’s being a passive-aggressive fuckwad, because he’s pissed Lilly won’t return any of his calls.”
“Ohhh.” I exaggerate the word, nodding like a goof. “That makes more sense.”
“Fuck both of you,” Z grumbles.
“Dude, she was way too classy for you.” I get a smack upside the head for that one, but it was totally worth it.
The front door bangs shut, and before Z knows what hit him, Wrath charges, lifting Z off the ground in a bear-hug style hold.
“Jesus Christ, you’re gonna fucking kill me,” Z wheezes when Wrath sets him down. “I think you cracked a rib.”
“Stop being a little bitch. Where you been?”
“Hi, Z!” Trinity calls out. She joins us, giving Z a quick hug then tucks herself against Wrath’s side.
“Where’ve you been?” she asks Z.
“What the fuck. Why’s everyone tryin’ to keep tabs on me?”
Wrath reaches over and punches Z’s arm. “Quit your bitchin’. I’m pissed ‘cause my girl had to take care of your dogs while you were off chasing wind.”
“I don’t mind,” Trinity protests.
“I mind. She lets them sleep in the bed.”
Z’s face breaks into a grin. “Just set them on the floor if you want to…” He does a few hip thrusts, making Trinity laugh and Wrath look like he’s gonna punch Z again. “You know.”
Next to me, Teller stiffens, and I notice he’s taken an interest in his shoes all of a sudden. I give him a subtle elbow to the ribs, and he picks his head up. “Have Mariella watch the dogs.”
“She did,” Trinity says. “Really, it was fine, Z. They’re the club�
�s dogs. It’s no big deal.”
I lift my chin at the clubhouse. “Your yoga buddy’s looking for you.”
Trinity chuckles. “Yeah, I saw her. Came out to say hi to Z.” She and Z wave and make goofy faces at each other for a few seconds before she wraps her arms around Wrath and lifts up on her tiptoes to give him a kiss. It’s awkward for a minute, but then he lets her go and it’s just the four of us. Wrath eyes each of us. “What?”
“Why you lettin’ them fuck with our champagne room?” Z asks. He’s laughing, though, so I doubt he gives a fuck.
Wrath shrugs. “Were you planning to use it this morning? No. So leave ‘em alone.”
Z throws his hands up. “Settle down, fucker. I’m just kidding.”
Wrath lifts his chin at me. “Ready to head to Furious?”
“Yup.” I slap Teller’s back and get a punch from Z before we take off.
I can’t avoid my brother forever.
Especially not on his birthday. Every day since I left, I’ve regretted moving my stuff out without talking to him. Ignoring his phone calls. Punishing him for something that probably isn’t even his fault. All of it.
Besides feeling bereft without my big brother around, I’m scared to tell him why I’m such a mess. Why I’ve reverted back to acting like a brat. Why I’m so damn terrified.
Yes, I’m hurt Axel left the club. And while at first I suspected my brother and Murphy had something to do with it, I realized the reason doesn’t matter. Marcel and I have never gone this long without talking, and I feel like a part of me is missing.
The only thing that’s been keeping me together is my schoolwork. There has to be at least one area of my life I don’t fuck up.
I’ve aced all of my exams so far this year, so at least I have some good news to tell my brother. You know, right before I tell him Axel and I are getting married. He’s going to question me. He’ll assume I’m knocked up. I can’t tell him that yet, though. Axel and I are the only ones who know.
I think Axel’s still hoping I’ll change my mind.
“Can we do something fun this weekend?” Axel asks when he gets home.
“I wanted to go up to the clubhouse. It’s my brother’s birthday.”
Axel stares at me for several seconds without speaking. “Yeah, okay.”
I let out a relieved breath. I’d been prepared for another argument. “Thanks.”
He nods.
“I’m just so stressed out and tired and I miss my brother.”
“Maybe we’ll get lucky and the stress will cause a miscarriage,” Axel jokes. He might as well have punched me in the stomach with his words.
A couple seconds of intense silence pass. “How can you say that?”
“I’m just kidding.”
“That’s not funny.”
He lifts his shoulders and walks into the kitchen.
“I want to tell him about our engagement.”
“Okay,” he yells back.
“But not the baby.”
He pokes his head around the corner. “Good call.”
“I was thinking of asking Trinity to help me put together the wedding. Maybe at the clubhouse since it’s too cold now to do it outside.”
“Whoa. I thought we’d have the wedding at my parents’ country club.”
“What exactly about me says ‘country club wedding’?” I tease, but deep down I’m annoyed he even suggested it. “Besides, it’s not open now.”
“No. I thought we’d do it in June. After I graduate.”
In my head, I’m counting to ten so I don’t strangle him. “Axel, I’ll be huge by then. No frickin’ way.”
“Oh, shit. Yeah. I didn’t think of that.”
Big surprise. He’s still pretending the baby will magically disappear. And don’t think I’ve forgotten that miscarriage comment.
I’m way too hurt to examine those words right now.
Every Mile a Memory
Five Years Earlier…
I barely stopped my bike in front of the house before Heidi came flying down the sidewalk. The sight of her left me struck dumb, mute, paralyzed. I was also pretty sure my jaw was hanging and drool dripped from my chin.
What the fuck?
The club had been keeping me busy for the last few months. A lot of long rides with Wrath, shoring up different business interests. Heidi and I kept in touch. Marcel got her a cellphone for her twelfth birthday and I either talked or exchanged texts with her every day. Even if it was just a word or two. I would send her postcards from each interesting place I’d visit, too.
Except for the occasional selfie she’d send my way, I hadn’t seen her in months. She’d done a lot of growing up in those months.
Fuck me.
I didn’t even have a chance to greet her properly. She grabbed my shoulder and threw herself on the bike.
“Happy Birthday, Bug.”
“Thanks,” she answered breathlessly.
“Helmet?”
“Got it.”
Marcel was out on club business, so I offered to come see Heidi during the day. He’d stop by later that night. At least that way, we knew she wouldn’t be alone on her birthday. It was doubtful her grandmother even acknowledged the day.
She wrapped her arms tight around me and squeezed me with her legs. “Please go.”
The distress in her voice had me rethinking our ride. Maybe I needed to have a chat with her grandmother instead.
But she squeezed me tighter and I took off.
We ended up at Friendly’s. Somehow we always came here first on her birthday. She hopped off and waited patiently for me. When I finally turned and faced her, she jumped into my arms, giving me a big hug. “I’ve missed you,” she said against my neck.
“Missed you, too, baby girl. Everything okay?”
I swear she sniffled as she pulled back, but she nodded and let me lead her inside.
Once we’d placed our orders, I grabbed Heidi’s hand. “What’s wrong? You seem upset.”
“Grams said she wasn’t going to let me out of the house.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. She’s pissed at Marcel.”
“Great. She gonna call the cops on me?”
Her mouth tipped down and her eyes widened, as if that thought had never occurred to her.
“Shit, Blake. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”
“I ain’t worried about it. Besides, if anyone’s worth gettin’ in trouble for, it’s you.”
That seemed to make her a little happier and a quick smile brightened her face.
I stared at her probably longer than necessary. Cataloging all the changes that had taken place. “Are you wearing makeup?”
Her startled eyes met mine and she ran her hand over her lips. “Yeah, why?”
“Nothing. Not used to it.”
She pulled out a little mirror and checked her reflection, brushing a few stray strands of hair back into place. “Penny gave me an eyeshadow palette for my birthday.”
It was fucking weird. Since when did Heidi care about any of that stuff?
“Are you planning to meet boys while we’re out?” I teased.
Startled, she dropped the mirror on the table and it spun around a few times before she slapped her hand over it. “No. Why would you ask something like that?”
“I don’t know. You seem different.” Older, curvier, prettier. All sorts of things I shouldn’t have been noticing about my best friend’s thirteen-year-old sister.
“Maybe you’re the one who’s different.”
There’s my smart-mouthed little bug. “Maybe.”
“Tell me about all the places you’ve been.”
“Didn’t you get my postcards?”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same as hearing it.”
So, for the next half hour, I gave her the clean versions of all my travel stories. She watched me, fascinated. Every now and then she stopped me to ask questions. Smart questions, like if the ride was better going
east to west because the country “opens up” as you headed west and left the congestion and over-populated places behind. Things you wouldn’t have expected a thirteen-year-old girl to know or think about. Other times she asked if I’d taken a picture of something or someplace I’d described. With Heidi, I felt free to share little details that I wouldn’t have with anyone else. Like how pictures came out better at dawn or dusk, so I tried to be someplace interesting at those times to catch a good shot for her whenever possible.
She sighed. “I’ve always wanted to see the Bitterroot Mountain range.”
“You will one day.”
She glanced down at her plate and pushed her food around. “But it would be more fun with you.”
“So, I’ll take you when you’re older.”
“You mean it?”
“Of course.”
One hand rested on her chin and she absently tapped her finger against her lips. Plush, pouty pink lips that made me wonder how they’d feel against mine.
“But, you’ve already gone so many places. I’d want to discover something new with you.”
It took my brain a second to catch up to her words. “Okay.”
More tapping. That finger against her lips drove me half-crazy. “Have you ever read about the Pan-American Highway?” she finally asked.
“Yeah, that’s a hell of a long road trip. Lots of rough roads.”
She flashed a grin at me. “Don’t you always say the hardest roads take you to the most beautiful places?”
I couldn’t help but smile back. I loved the way she remembered stuff like that. “It’s true.”
“We don’t have to do the whole thing. But some of it would be cool.”
“Okay. Is that what you want to do for your first trip?”
She drummed her fingers against the table while she thought about it. “What about the Blue Mountain Scenic Byway?”
“Oregon? You don’t have something a little more local in mind? Shelburne Falls?”
Disappointment pushed her lips into a pout, but she nodded. “Sure. Anywhere’s better than here.”
“Heidi, is everything okay?”
I don’t think she realized it, but she shook her head no at the same time she said, “yes.”
“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”