.jpg)
by Linda Bridey
Marcus laughed at that. “Yeah, you could say that.”
“Why do you listen to him?” Geoff said. “I’m sorry. I think the brandy is getting to me and I’m becoming nosy.”
“No more than Seth,” Marcus said. “After both our parents were gone, Dean helped finish raising me. I’d just turned fourteen when Pa passed and I was sixteen when Ma died. Dean was the one here with me mostly because Seth was out on the trail a lot. So it fell to him to do it. I guess he became a sort of surrogate father to me. So, that’s why I listen to him. Plus, it’s just easier to go along with him.”
Tessa had seen this aspect of the relationship between Dean and Marcus, so she understood what her brother-in-law meant. She admired her husband for his commitment to his family. There was never any question about how seriously he took his responsibilities. Her mind wandered as Marcus and Geoff talked of all manner of things for another half hour or so.
When the visit ended, Tessa thought about the rift between her and Dean and looked up at the stars as they rode home. She prayed for some guidance in the matter, but none magically came to her.
*****
Tessa watched as Dean undressed with trepidation. Apparently he wasn’t planning on sleeping in the barn and when he slid under the covers, Tessa knew he wasn’t going to sleep on the floor either. As she got in the bed, Tessa kept as far away from him as she could and lay on her side facing away from him. She jumped a little when he spoke, breaking the silence.
“Tessa, we are gonna talk about all of this, but I need a little time to get my thoughts together about it so that I can have an honest conversation with you,” Dean said.
“How much time?” Tessa asked.
“I’m not sure. I’m not good with feelings and stuff, but I’m gonna try,” Dean said as he remembered Seth’s words.
“All right.” Tessa decided to be patient with him for the time being. “I appreciate that.”
Dean smiled in the dark. “I don’t suppose you’d be interested in the other kind of talking.”
Tessa put her pillow over her face and tried to smother the laugh that came out. It amazed her that, even in the middle of an argument, Dean could say something funny like that.
Dean heard her and chuckled. “Is that a yes or a no?”
“Goodnight, Dean,” Tessa said from under the pillow.
Dean sighed and rolled away from her. “Ok. Goodnight, Tessa.”
*****
Sometime during the night, Dean was woken by hands on his back. He recognized Tessa’s touch and said, “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, good. You’re awake,” Tessa said and smiled. While Dean had drifted off at some point, she hadn’t slept a wink because she couldn’t make her body behave.
Dean laughed. “Yeah, because you woke me up. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I was just wondering if you were still interested in the other kind of talking,” Tessa said and pressed a kiss to his shoulder blade.
With a deep growl, Dean rolled over to face her and captured her mouth in a searing kiss. When the kiss ended, he said, “What do you think?”
Tessa shook her head. “I don’t want to think. I just want to feel.”
Dean happily complied and they became lost in a sea of passion where all else was forgotten.
*****
What ensued was a strange pause in their fighting. During the day, they were distant and argumentative with each other. Dean tried not to make his brothers or anyone else suffer because of his frustrations. Tessa tried to distract herself from her impatience with Dean by writing.
But at night, when they were alone, they left all of that outside their bedroom door. It seemed as though neither one of them wanted to give up the pleasure they shared. Once the door was shut, their bodies did most of the talking.
Geoff didn’t know exactly what was going on, but he didn’t pry. To do so wouldn’t have helped. In fact, it would have made the matter worse, he thought. Seeing the sadness sometimes in his daughter’s eyes was hard. As a father, his instinct was to help his girl and fix what was wrong. However, this was something that he couldn’t fix for her. She and Dean had to work out their differences.
Out of the blue one day, Tessa asked, “Papa, why don’t men listen when women talk?”
Geoff chuckled a little. “Because we’re not always as smart as women when it comes to that.”
“Do you listen to Mama when she talks?” Tessa said.
“Mostly, but when I don’t, she makes sure to get my attention so that I do listen,” Geoff said.
“How does she do that?”
“In different ways, depending on how aggravated she is with me. Sometimes she scolds me or sometimes she’s playful about it. Why do you ask?” Geoff asked.
“I can’t get Dean to really listen to me, Papa,” Tessa said. “He says he wants to talk, but that he’s not ready. How long do I wait?”
“That’s a tough question to answer, Tessa. How long are you willing to wait?” Geoff asked.
“Honestly, Papa, I’m not sure how much longer I can wait,” Tessa said.
Geoff took her hand. “That’s something you’re going to have to decide, honey.”
Tessa nodded. “I know.”
*****
Dean embraced Tessa that night, but could tell that Tessa’s mind was elsewhere.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as he looked into her eyes.
She laid her hand on his cheek and said, “I love you, Dean.”
“I love you, too,” Dean said with a smile.
His statement caused her heart to speed up. It was the first time he’d said the words to her. If only it were at a better time, it would be perfect, she thought. She smiled and kissed him softly. Then she watched his face as his smile widened. She loved his smile. “When are we going to discuss things?” she asked him quietly.
Dean’s smile disappeared to be replaced by a guarded expression. Again, he’d hoped that it would all be forgotten and, again, he’d been wrong. He knew that Tessa wasn’t going to be put off for forever, even though he wished the problem would just disappear. Dean ran a hand through his hair and said, “I don’t know.”
Tessa eased away from him and rolled over. “Never mind. Sleep well.”
“I’ll be back. Don’t wait up for me,” Dean said as he got out of bed.
*****
As Dean knew he would be, Marcus was still up. His brother was a night owl and sometimes read and whittled long past midnight. Dean thought he heard laughter as he neared Marcus’ house. Roscoe barked upon hearing Twister’s hoof beats and the laughter abruptly ended.
Marcus watched Dean ride into the circle of light from the two lanterns he had burning and was surprised to see his brother.
“Hi. You’re the third visitor I’ve had tonight. What brings you at this time of night? You’re normally in bed by now. Is everything all right?” Marcus said.
“I couldn’t sleep. What were you laughing about?” Dean said.
Marcus held up a book he’d been reading. “There’re some funny passages in here. How come you can’t sleep?”
Dean jumped up on the porch and settled in a rocking chair near Marcus. “Still fighting with Tessa. Sort of. I don’t know what the hell we’re doing.”
Marcus arched an eyebrow at him. “Sounds complicated.”
“Yeah, it is. It’s my fault right now. I know that and yet, I can’t seem to get past it. I’m a coward, Marcus,” Dean said. “I can’t talk about my feelings. Seth is right about that. How does he know so much about how women feel? He’s the biggest womanizer I know.”
Marcus laughed. “That’s exactly why he understands how women feel or at least why they might feel certain things.”
“Why does this have to be so hard?” Dean said. “I’m gonna lose her and over something so stupid.”
“You didn’t say that to her, did you?” Marcus said.
Dean shook his head. “No.”
“Whew. That’s good. The worst thing you want to do is t
ell her that her feelings are stupid,” Marcus said. “That will only make things worse.”
“No, I didn’t mean her feelings are stupid. I meant that I’m so stupid,” Dean said. “Shut up, Marcus.”
Marcus swallowed the smart remark on the tip of his tongue.
“This could have been over by now if I could only be brave enough to talk about things. Why can’t I do that?” Dean asked.
Marcus was pretty sure that Dean’s question was rhetorical and stayed silent.
“I mean, I can talk about anything else, but when it comes to what I’m feeling about bad stuff or arguments, I get all tongue-tied. I’m good at being angry and I like being angry sometimes because then I don’t have to face being hurt or sad. Anger is easier for me to express. I can hide behind it, I guess,” Dean said.
“It’s a defense mechanism, Dean. Look, most people don’t like talkin’ about how they really feel,” Marcus said.
Dean looked at him. “You talk about how you feel all the time. Why is that?”
“I don’t know,” Marcus said with a shrug. “I don’t mind it. Actually, I can’t seem to help myself. They just come out.”
“I wish they did for me,” Dean said.
“They can, Dean, at least with your wife. You’ve got to decide if you trust her enough to bare your soul to her, so to speak. She’s now the one person in the world you should be able to talk to about anything, Dean. And she needs to be able to talk to you about anything, too,” Marcus said. “You two have to lean on each other. I think you’re afraid to rely on her too much for fear that one day she won’t be there.”
Dean thought about that for a moment. “You might have something there, Marcus.”
“Dean, you deserve to be happy. I know she makes you happy. Tessa’s not going anywhere. You can’t let fear rule your life anymore. If you keep letting fear get in the way, you’re gonna find yourself alone and miserable someday.” Marcus put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and squeezed it a little. “I’d sure hate to see that happen.”
“Me, too. How’d you get so smart?” Dean asked with a smile.
Marcus grinned. “Just lucky, I guess.”
“So what are you workin’ on now?” Dean asked as he spied a piece of wood on the floor that had something etched into it.
Marcus picked it up and began explaining it to Dean. The brothers talked for a couple of hours about all kinds of things and it was late when Dean went home.
Tessa heard him come in and undress. She kept her eyes closed and never let on that she was awake as he slipped into bed. Tessa’s nose wrinkled as she detected the faint scent of whiskey on him. She knew then that he’d been with one of his brothers. It made her miss her sisters. She lay in the darkened room, feeling lonely and disappointed.
*****
All the next day, Dean thought about the things both of his brothers had said and realized how right they both were. He went through his day as if he was sleepwalking. Seth and Marcus noticed his preoccupation, but didn’t comment. They saw that Dean was wrestling with things and knew that they didn’t need to interfere. Also it meant that he wasn’t harassing them about anything, which was refreshing.
With each passing hour, Dean grew more determined to face his fear and do what needed done. He looked at it from the perspective that he always did his work. He might not like doing it, he might not find it pleasant, he might not do something perfectly, but Dean knew he did it to the best of his ability. It was the same way with being a father. It was tough sometimes, dealing with the kids when they were stubborn or argumentative, but it needed done and because he loved them so much, he was willing to deal with it.
Shouldn’t I do the same thing with Tessa? Shouldn’t I force myself to deal with the hard stuff because I love her and she deserves it from me? Shouldn’t I be willing to get past that fear like Marcus said and do right by her? I don’t want to lose her because I’m too scared or stubborn. Tessa’s right, neither of us have cleared the air and it’s about time we do it.
*****
The moon was rising higher as Dean lay down on their bed. As he waited for his wife to come to bed, Dean mentally went over what he wanted to say to Tessa. A little while passed and Dean began to wonder where his wife was. He looked at the clock on the dresser and put his head back down on the pillow.
When a half-hour went by, Dean got up and put his pants on. He didn’t bother with a shirt. When he didn’t find her in the house, Dean started to get worried. The warm September night held a soft breeze and Dean could smell the scent of hay and cattle as he walked to the main barn.
Dean saw her when he entered the barn floor. The big doors were open to allow for cool air to reach the horses. Moonlight poured inside, illuminating Tessa’s tantalizing figure as she stood in front of one of the stalls. He couldn’t have prevented the jolt of desire he felt for her any more than the tides can resist the pull of the moon.
Tessa’s dark hair hung down her back in soft waves. Her body was silhouetted in her nightgown and Dean found it more alluring than any lingerie could ever be. With great effort, Dean fought those thoughts so he could concentrate on the matter at hand. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and stepped toward her.
Tessa stood outside of Buster’s stall, stroking his face and neck. She had put the children to bed but wasn’t ready to retire herself. Her father had also gone to bed. Tessa wasn’t ready to go to bed because she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep because of the turmoil in her heart and mind.
She also didn’t want to be in such close proximity to Dean. Although her heart and mind were still hurt, her body was traitorous and she missed her husband’s touch. It was too easy to give in to her physical reaction to him. Even though making love with Dean was a beautiful experience every time, it wasn’t solving things between them. She wished it could, but the reality was that, eventually, they were going to start resenting one another and that was the last thing she wanted.
Tessa heard soft footfalls behind her and closed her eyes as she recognized Dean’s steps. So much for not having a confrontation, Tessa thought. I was hoping he would fall asleep if I stayed out here long enough.
Dean decided to let it all hang out; his anger, his hurt, and his confusion. “You know, Tessa, I never pegged you for a hypocrite,” he said softly.
She whirled around at his insulting words.
Dean held up a quieting hand. “You accused me of being a liar and in a way, I guess I was. But I didn’t run away and not even tell my family I was getting married. So even though you didn’t lie outright, you lied by, by, oh, hell, there’s a word for it…”
“Omission,” Tessa said.
“Yeah, you lied by omission and you put me and the kids in a very bad position. If it was just me, I wouldn’t mind so much, but when it comes to my kids, I don’t tolerate anything that could hurt them. It’s a good thing that your old man is a stand-up guy or else we’d have a real problem. But if things go south, I’ll deal with it head on,” he told her with a stern expression.
“What are you saying?” Tessa said.
“If he starts causing trouble in front of my children, I’ll ask him to leave. I’m not gonna be blamed for something you did or didn’t do,” Dean answered.
“I won’t let that happen and I won’t let the children be upset, either. Besides which, my father is a wonderful man who has raised three daughters and would never purposely upset a child. You have nothing to worry about.”
Dean nodded, apparently satisfied on that score. “Why didn’t you write home to tell them you were getting married? Are you ashamed of me because we’re not from high society? Is it because you felt that your parents wouldn’t approve of you marrying someone below your station?”
“No! Of course not,” Tessa said.
“Sure, Tessa,” Dean said sarcastically. “Why don’t I believe you? You said you were bored with your old life and wanted some adventure. Here’s what I think happened. You thought running away to the west would be romantic
, so you wrote me and agreed to come here. As time went on, you began to see what it was really like here, that livin’ here is a lot of hard work. You started thinking that your parents would be really disgusted by the fact that you were marrying some poor rancher with two kids. I guess you’d say it was scandalous. Yeah, I think that’s the right word.”
Tessa couldn’t help saying, “It is.”
Dean nodded. “Ok. Then once you’d married me, you were trapped. You couldn’t go back home because you’d be disgraced. Unless your family came up with a good story, of course. Maybe you went to visit your sick aunt or something? Isn’t that how you people do when someone gets into some kind of trouble? You just sweep it under the rug and make up something so that no one is the wiser?”
Tessa hadn’t thought to ask her father what they’d told any of the friends or family in her circles about her disappearance. She looked at Dean with wide eyes and said nothing because she could neither confirm nor deny his statements.
Dean saw her confusion. “What excuse did your father give them?”
“I have no idea. I’ve never asked him,” Tessa said.
His laugh held no warmth. “So you didn’t even think it was worth your time to find out what lie they told to your blue blooded friends? You know, Tessa, your family has enough money and clout that if you wanted a divorce, you could get one and no one would know. Do you want a divorce?”
If Dean had stabbed her with a knife through the heart, it wouldn’t have been nearly as painful as his last remarks. She didn’t want to show any signs of weakness in front of him, so Tessa tossed her head and turned away from him so he couldn’t see the tears welling in her eyes.
She fought to make her voice strong as she said, “No, Dean, I do not want a divorce. I would never do that to the children.”
“But if it were just me?”
“I’m not going to deal with fiction—”
“That’s rich, coming from a writer,” Dean said. “I thought that’s what writers did? Make up stories? That’s it, isn’t it? You wanted something new to write about and having an adventure like this would definitely be something to write about,” Dean said.
Tessa turned back to him as fury built inside. “Yes! At first!” she cried. “You don’t know what it’s like to be trapped in a life you deplore, Dean. You have no idea how miserable I was!”