“My lady,” she said softly. “I have no right, but I would like to ask something of you.”
Cantia paused. “Of course.”
“I would like to see my daughter. If it is possible, I would be grateful.”
Cantia could only nod. She could not give permission, as that was Tevin’s decision. With a lingering glance at the frail woman on the mattress, she quit the shack and strolled out into the brisk air of the waning day.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“I told you not to go near her,” Tevin was livid. “Why did you disobey me, Cantia? Do you know what you have done? You have foolishly jeopardized your life and the life of the baby by going there. I did not believe you to be so foolish until now.”
Cantia sat in the solar, her head lowered as Tevin raged. He was genuinely enraged, ever since he saw her walking across the bailey of Rochester and intercepted her. He had been glad to see her until he asked her where she had been and she had been truthful with him, mostly because she couldn’t think of a lie fast enough. Now, he was furious and it was only growing worse.
“Well?” he barked. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
Cantia’s head remained lowered and she shook her head. She didn’t want to tell him about her visit to Louisa, not until he calmed down, so she kept her mouth shut. That only seemed to make him madder.
“You have nothing to say to me?” he put his hands on his hips, a sharp gesture. “Are you just going to sit there?”
She nodded. He threw up his hands and stomped around the solar, slamming the door in Myles’ face when the man heard the shouting and peeked in to see what was going on. Infuriated, Tevin kicked a chair out of the way, breaking it, as he marched over to the lancet windows for a breath of cool air. He needed it before he broke more furniture.
“Foolish,” he growled, his gaze moving out over the bailey. “Foolish, stupid and idiotic. Are those truly your qualities? I would have never guessed but today you have made me rethink that opinion.”
His anger was starting to hurt, right though it was. For lack of a better response, and to force him to cool his anger sooner rather than later, she burst into quiet tears. He whirled away from the window when he heard the sobs. As Cantia knew, his anger took a dousing and he stared at her a moment, watching her heaving shoulders, before sighing heavily. All of the fight began to fizzle out of him.
“Do not weep,” he told her softly, gruffly. “I was not trying to hurt you but… Cantia, why did you do it? I told you not to go there for a reason. I did not want you exposed to her disease.”
Cantia only wept louder and turned away from him. “I do not want to talk to you right now,” she sobbed. “Go away and leave me alone. You are hateful and mean.”
He was starting to fold and trying not to. He began to make his way in her direction. “I am not leaving,” he told her firmly but quietly. “I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, but you know what you did was wrong.”
She put an arm on the back of the chair and lay her forehead upon it, sobbing. “You are nasty and terrible,” she wept. “Go away.”
“I am not going away.”
“I am not going to talk to you.”
“Then we shall make an odd stand-off.”
She could hear him moving around behind her as he pulled up a chair and plopped down on it. She knew he wasn’t about to leave but that had been her plan. He was calming down and that was all she wanted. To further speed that process, she stood up from the chair and rubbed at her belly, which always made Tevin want to rub it, too, because when she did it was usually when the baby was kicking and he didn’t want to miss it. But he stayed on his chair, watching her, his hands clasped on his lap. Wiping at her eyes, she still made sure to sniffle and hiccup appropriately as she went to the lancet window and allowed the breeze to cool her warm cheeks.
Several minutes passed. Fifteen minutes passed and still, she said nothing. Tevin just watched her. Approaching the half-hour mark, he finally broke their stalemate.
“Are you ever going to speak to me?” he asked.
Cantia wasn’t ready to fold. She wanted him to feel very bad about yelling at her so she turned away from the window and went to the solar door.
“I do not feel very well,” she announced. “I am going to lie down for a while.”
He was on his feet, moving towards her. “What is wrong?”
She opened the door. “I am exhausted from all of your yelling.” She finally turned to him, tears gone and a spark of anger in her eye. “You could have simply asked me, quite calmly, what I had been doing rather than yelling at me and calling me foolish. You did not have to react that way.”
His expression tightened up and he struggled not to feel remorse. “I am not going to apologize for becoming angry. I had every right.”
She turned her nose up at him and went to the spiral stairs, carefully mounting them and disappearing to the upper floors as he stood there and watched. That lasted all of a few seconds before he hissed a curse and followed.
“Cantia,” he followed her up the stairs. “Please wait.”
She ignored him. “I want to lie down,” she said again as she cleared the third floor landing and moved up to the fourth floor. “You have given me an aching head.”
Tevin felt like the meanest man in the entire world as he followed her up to their chamber. He was a slave to her and he knew it, but he didn’t care. Still, he didn’t want to back down completely. He had a point to make.
When they reached the door to their chamber, he reached out to grasp her. She didn’t resist but she was stiff in his arms as he pulled her against him and gazed down into her beautiful face. His expression was a mix between disapproval and repentance.
“I am sorry if I was harsh,” he said softly. “But I asked you to stay away from her for your own good. Do you not understand that?”
She was having a difficult time resisting him. “I understand.”
“I told you to stay away because I love you. I would be shattered if anything happened to you.”
“I know.”
“Will you at least forgive me for being hurtful?”
She thought a moment on the request, or at least she pretended to. But she eventually folded just like he did and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him. He swallowed her up in his big arms, thankful she wasn’t holding a grudge. Then he kissed her on the forehead, on the cheek, and looked her in the eye.
“But from now on,” he rumbled gently but sternly, “please stay away from her. It would destroy me if you contracted whatever disease she has. Agreed?”
Cantia regarded him, thinking on her conversation with Louisa. She remembered that the woman told her that Tevin had always been kind to her in spite of their circumstances and as she looked at him, she began to feel pangs of sympathy for him. He was such a wonderful man, sweet and wise and powerful, and her heart ached for him. Arabel was not his child. God, if she could only tell him. She wondered if she even should, if it would even matter after all this time. But she could not, in good conscience, withhold what Louisa had told her about Arabel. Tevin would never forgive her if he found out she knew and hadn’t told him.
With a sigh, she laid her head against his chest and snuggled against him.
“Have you spoken with her at all?” she asked softly.
Tevin held her close. “Not yet,” he said. “I have been occupied with Val and Arabel.”
“How did Arabel take the news?”
“Better than I did. She is a wise and reasonable girl. She was quite calm about it. She wants to meet the woman but I am not sure that is a good idea.”
Cantia looked up at him. “You must let her,” she said. “We are speaking of her mother. No matter what you feel, you must let Arabel form her own opinion of the woman. She must be very curious so I would not forbid her from speaking to the woman. You may do more harm than good.”
He lifted his dark eyebrows in resignation. “That is what Val said,” he replied. “
If both of you are telling me the same thing, then perhaps I should listen. I… I just do not want Arabel to be hurt or disappointed.”
“She will be more hurt or disappointed if you do not permit her to meet her mother. Be present during the meeting if you must, but let your daughter come to terms with the woman who gave birth to her. This is a moment she never thought she would face and it is her right.”
Tevin thought on that a moment before reluctantly agreeing. “As you say,” he muttered. “But I will speak with the woman first, alone, before I allow Arabel near her.”
Cantia could see the protective father, the humiliated husband, in his expression. She put a soft hand against his cheek.
“I spoke with her at some length,” she said softly.
His brow furrowed. “How long were you with her?”
“Long enough,” she said, eyeing him. “Tevin, I must speak with you before you go and see her. I must tell you what she told me.”
He scratched at his head, intrigued, but unsure if he really wanted to hear all of it. After a moment, he simply shook his head.
“It was all so long ago,” he said. “It does not matter any longer, whatever she has to say. I do not want to hear her excuses or explanations. My only communication with her will be where it pertains to my daughter.”
My daughter. Cantia was feeling some apprehension for his reaction as she opened the door to their chamber and pulled him inside. When she quietly shut the door, she faced him.
“This is about your daughter,” she said softly. “Sit down. I must tell you what she told me. It would not be fair to you if I did not.”
He looked at her curiously but took the chair by the hearth and sat. Cantia went to him, standing before him, smiling when he put his hands on her belly purely out of habit.
“How is Talus today?” he asked.
She chuckled at the use of the baby’s name, long before he was even born. They had spent a good deal of time haggling over names and Tevin was very decisive in his wants. The child would be a boy, no matter what Cantia said, and his name would be Talus because Tevin had heard the name in a story his father had once told him. Talus had been a very strong man, immortal, and Tevin liked the name very much. It meant something to him.
“Your son is irritable and hungry,” she teased, then sobered. “Tevin, we must speak of Louisa. I went to see her today because I wanted to know why she had abandoned you. I cannot imagine any woman being so cruel or callous towards her husband and child, and I feel so protective over you and Arabel that I simply needed to know. I did not go to see the woman purely to spite you. I did it because I love you.”
He took his hands from her belly, gazing up into her lovely features. “Very well,” he said steadily. “I am listening, then.”
“You must promise to stay calm. Please, Tevin, I cannot take another rage.”
“I will do my best, I swear.”
Cantia sighed, turning her back on him as she paced a few feet away, gathering her thoughts. Then, she turned to him.
“When you were told she had run away with a knight from her homeland, that was only a very small portion of the truth,” she said. “According to Louisa, she was very young when she married you and she had been in love with this knight for quite some time. I believe I know what it is like to be deeply in love. I believe you do, too.”
He sighed. “Of course I do.”
“If I was to marry another man, how would you feel?”
Tevin shrugged, averting his gaze. “I would kill him. I would not let that happen. I believe I have adequately demonstrated my devotion to you.”
She nodded. “You have,” she agreed. “So you can imagine what this young woman felt, being forced to marry a man she did not know and did not love.”
“I can imagine.”
Cantia continued. “Unfortunately, being so young, her judgment was also immature. After she married you, she and this knight continued to be lovers.”
He looked at her. “Is that what she told you?”
“She told me that you would share her bed at night and he would fill it during the day.”
“After we were married?”
Cantia nodded, seeing the hint of outrage on his face. She went to him, taking one of his big hands in hers and squeezing it tightly.
“She was young and foolish,” she said softly. “She knows her behavior was terrible, but women in love do strange things.”
“Do you make excuses for her, then?”
“Of course not. But bad behavior often has consequences.”
“What consequences?”
Cantia knelt in front of him and he instinctively reached down to pick her up so she would not be close to the cold ground, but she resisted him. She held on to his hand tightly.
“Tevin, for Arabel’s sake, I must tell you this before she speaks with her mother,” she said softly. “I do not want to chance that you are caught off-guard by anything the woman says. She is on her deathbed and has nothing to lose. She may say many things and… I do not want you to be caught unaware.”
Tevin’s dark eyes flickered ominously. “Caught unaware by what?”
Cantia squeezed his hand sympathetically. “Louisa told me that you were away when she became pregnant with Arabel,” she told him carefully. “She said that the pregnancy was early enough that when you returned, you performed as a husband should and she was able to convince you that you were the father. But she is certain that you are not Arabel’s father.”
Tevin stared at her, the color draining from his face. “She told you this madness?” he was both incredulous and outraged. “How is that…?”
Cantia continued quickly, cutting him off. “The knight she was in love with knew he was the father,” she said. “He told Louisa that you would kill her if you discovered the truth and convinced her to flee with him. Being young, she didn’t know what else to do, so she went. It was a horrible decision that cost her.”
“It is not true!”
“It is, sweetheart. I swear this is what she told me.”
Tevin was looking at her with an expression she had never seen before, something between utter astonishment and utter agony. Then, he leaned forward, collapsing, until he was resting his elbows on his knees, his gaze on the floor. He still held Cantia’s hands tightly as if afraid to let her go. As Cantia gripped him, she could feel him tremble.
“Arabel…,” he whispered. “Dear God… it cannot be true.”
“I am so sorry, my dearest love,” Cantia was close to tears on his behalf. “If I could have spared you the truth, I would have. But Louisa has no reason to lie about this. I did not sense that she was being deceitful in any way.”
He groaned heavily, as if all of his strength had just left him. He struggled with his emotions, struggled to make sense out of it all. His mind, hurt yet analytical in searching for the truth, began to sort through the mess.
“I remember a man,” he began after several long moments. “This knight was with her often, a man with blond hair and brown eyes. I remember this because his hair was very blond and… dear God, Arabel’s hair is blond.”
Cantia squeezed his hands, kissing his head to comfort him. She didn’t know what else to do. She was afraid to say anything more as his mind struggled to come to terms with what she had told him. She could only imagine his pain, his shock.
“He was always with her,” he repeated as if dredging up old memories, recalling snippets of the past. “Louisa’s brother was always with her as well, and the two of them shadowed her nearly everywhere. She told me it was because she felt afraid in a strange land and she felt comforted by their presence and, wanting her to be comfortable, I allowed it. Now… it is starting to make sense. I never knew which knight she was in love with because when she fled, they all went with her, but now it is starting to make some sense. It must have been the blond knight who was always with her.”
“Tevin,” Cantia kissed his hands. “I would never presume to tell you what to think or h
ow to deal with this matter, but I will say this – what happened occurred a long time ago. You said it yourself. In truth, it does not matter. I thought not to tell you what Louisa said about Arabel but I knew that I could not withhold such information from you. It is your right to know. But whatever the truth is, Arabel is innocent in all of this and she is very much your daughter. I would hope… hope that your love for her never changes, no matter what.”
He looked at her, then. There was such sorrow in his eyes. “She is my daughter,” he whispered, his eyes misting over. Then he sniffled loudly and wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “Nothing will ever change that. But I… I am not sure….”
“Sure of what?”
“Sure if I should tell Arabel. Am I selfish not to want to tell her?”
Cantia kissed his hands again, his forehead. “If it was me, I would not tell her. Why should you? You are her father and she loves you. That is all she needs to know.”
“That is all she will ever know, God willing,” he said, regaining some of his composure. “All of this madness… we will forget about it. It will be our secret, you and me. I do not even want to tell Val.”
“It will be our secret alone, I swear it.” Cantia stroked his cheek. “You will go and speak with Louisa before Arabel does and tell her not to mention it. Tell her it does not matter, than none of it matters. I do not want Louisa to use Arabel like a confessional. The young girl need not hear all of her mother’s sins because the woman is dying and feels the need to clear her conscience.”
Tevin nodded in agreement before Cantia was even finished speaking. He whole-heartedly agreed. Kissing her hands reverently, and then her lips, he stood up and carefully pulled her up with him.
“I will see her now,” he said, wiping his nose one last time as if to wipe away any emotion that was lingering. But he paused a moment, looking at Cantia with warmth in his eyes. “Thank you for being disobedient, sweetheart. I know your intentions were good. I… I think hearing this information from you was much better than if I heard it from Louisa. I am not entirely sure how well I would have received it. But coming from you… you gave me strength. I am grateful.”