by Lauren Dane
“That’s Mercy. My goodness, to look at her now you’d barely see this little sprout.” Lorie stood next to Erin and her smile turned to concern as she caught sight of Erin’s face. “Are you all right?”
Erin shook her head, trying to shake the empty spot searing through her chest. “I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to look at baby pictures. She was a beautiful baby and Todd says she’s an amazing young woman now. You should be very proud.”
Lorie nodded. “We are. We’re lucky in our children and grand-children.” She paused a moment. “I hope you don’t mind, but Todd told us a bit. That you’d lost your baby girl. I’m deeply sorry. I hope the pictures didn’t upset you.”
She turned to Lorie Keenan and smiled through tears. “Thank you, Mrs. Keenan. But no, it’s beautiful to see these pictures. For a long time I couldn’t have pictures of Adele—that was her name—up in the house. I’d sneak into the drawers where I kept the snapshots and stare at her like a guilty secret. In the end, I gave in and put them up. I miss her but I can look at that perfect thing I had in my life for just two short years and I can be grateful.”
She’d taken the pictures down for a while right when Todd had come back to town, but after she’d told him about losing Adele, they’d put them all back and she’d started to go to therapy again.
Lorie cupped Erin’s cheek and smiled. “That’s good to hear. Something like that would be hard to get over. Anyway, please call me Lorie. I have a feeling we’ll be each other’s family from now on. My son seems to have set his cap for you.”
Erin blushed, relieved and touched.
“I’m the lucky one here. Your son is a keeper.”
Lorie laughed then. “He is now. But not so much before he moved back here. I think you’re a good influence.”
“Everything okay over here?” Todd slid an arm around Erin’s waist and looked into her eyes, noting the tears. His concern made her want to cry even more.
“Fine, fine. We were just talking about you.” His mother winked at him and he backed off, much to Erin’s relief. It was bad enough that they’d had to have a discussion about whether or not she’d be okay with the fireworks going off. She realized in the af termath of the incident at her café that he’d be worried. But she could look at baby pictures and she could sit under the open sky and watch fireworks. She wasn’t fragile. She was just a bit broken.
“Let’s go then. Dad’s already in the car.”
“Lord Amighty, he’ll start that blasted honking if we don’t move it. It’s a wonder the man hasn’t had a stroke. He’s the most impatient person I’ve ever met.” Lorie grabbed her sweater and turned back to Erin once they were on the porch. “Do you have a sweater? It’s hot as blazes now, but it’ll be cold on the water tonight. I can grab something for you if you’d like.”
“I’ve got long pants and a sweater too. Todd reminded me earlier today. But thank you.”
True to Lorie’s prediction, Dean hit the horn three times and she sighed. “Let’s go then.”
Todd kissed her, smiling, and she knew he was pleased they seemed to all like each other. Erin knew she was relieved herself, that was for damned sure.
On the boat, Todd watched her as she laughed with his other women—his mother, sister and Renee. She was right there among them. Her laugh fit with theirs, occupied the empty spot in the spectrum.
His brother Dean, or DJ as most everyone called him, sat next to him, handing over a soda. “I like her. More importantly, Mom likes her.”
Todd nodded, relieved his brother was right. If his mother hadn’t liked Erin, it would have made things very difficult. She hadn’t liked Sheila. It wasn’t that Sheila had been a bitch or anything. But she just never fit, which was hard for her because she was family oriented and wanted them to like her, and hard for his family because they were too. But Sheila had been pretty and fragile, and the Keenans were loud and boisterous, and there just wasn’t a place for Sheila in that. They hadn’t been mean to her; they’d made every effort to include her and make her comfortable, but it just hadn’t worked.
And here Erin was, his gorgeous little freak, fitting in like houses with his mother and family. He laughed to himself.
“She fits. Makes me happy.” Todd watched Joe fall under her spell as she grabbed a soda for him from the ice chest and told him some story about something or other.
“It’s been years since we’ve all been out here on a holiday!” His mother began to pass around plates. “All these cops, at least one of them had to work, more often more than that. This is the first year in about fifteen that we’ve all been together on the Fourth.”
“If we were firefighters we’d never be home on the Fourth,” Joe said.
“Now that Ben, Cope and Todd are in the private sector and Dad and Ben and Cope’s father are retiring, the odds are better.” DJ took a bite of Erin’s noodle salad and nodded. “This is really good.”
“Erin is a great cook in addition to being a wonderful musician. Heck, she’s so good even I listen to her stuff.” Which Todd knew was a brag, yes, but totally true. He’d never been one for much rock music or alternative stuff, but Adrian was really good and their stuff together was amazing. He had to give her props for that. Plus, damn it was sexy.
Erin blushed and sipped her soda. “Enough—gah!” She slid sunglasses over her eyes and rustled around in her bag until she pulled out some sunscreen.
Todd jumped up, giving Cope a glare because he’d started to offer too. His friend just snickered.
Todd settled on his knees before Erin, and one corner of her mouth canted up slightly. Now would not be the time to get wood. He squeezed the lotion into his palm, the summery scent filling his nose as he began to massage it into her legs.
He watched her swallow hard and part her lips to breathe. Good—she was as affected as he was.
“Wanna go swimming?”
“Dude, that water looks freakishly cold.”
“’Course it is.” He laughed. “You jump in, it’s cold, and then you warm up because it’s hot out here. That’s how it works.”
“I’m expecting you to roll your eyes and say, Girls, or something. This behavior of yours when you’re around your brothers and Ben and Cope is so male, but extra cute.”
“You know you want to,” he taunted.
“I think you just want to see me in my bathing suit.”
“You’re wearing a bikini under there?” He swallowed, trying to will away the images sending all the blood in his body straight to his cock.
“Yeah. I mean, not like a thong or anything—sheesh, we’re with your family and I can’t carry that off—but a two-piece. You said there might be swimming and all.”
“Can’t carry it off, my ass. You’d look so hot.” He looked and caught his mother watching them, clearly amused. “Take off your shirt so I can get sunscreen on your back and shoulders.”
“That was subtle.” Erin’s voice was dry.
“I’m all about subtle.”
“Mmm hm. My favorite quality in you.” She unbuttoned her shirt and he watched her graceful, nimble fingers exposing more and more of her skin beneath.
Her bathing suit top was blue. Nothing too revealing, nothing fancy, but hot damn did she look good. He slathered the sunscreen on her back and shoulders and she made a sound. A sound very similar to one she made when he slid into her.
“Stop that,” he said quietly.
“Sorry, it felt good.”
Looking over her shoulders, he saw the press of her nipples through the material of the swimsuit.
“You’re going to kill me.”
“Jeez, let Cope put it on then.”
“Ha! He’s just as bad as I am.”
She turned her head to look up at him, pulling her sunglasses down to show her eyes. “Oh no, he isn’t, Todd. No one is as bad as you are.” Her voice was quiet, low and so starkly sensual he stopped for a moment to gather his control again.
With a laugh, she tossed her sunglasses to
the deck and followed Liz into the water, surfacing all wet and glistening in the sun.
“Yeow! Cold.”
He peeled out of his shirt and down to his trunks and jumped in after her. Before long, pretty much everyone had joined them, laughing and swimming.
She moved through the water, sleek and graceful as he caught glimpses of her tattoos through the blue green.
He swam to her, gathering her in his arms as they treaded water. “Every time I think you can’t be more beautiful, you prove me wrong.” He kissed her.
“I see you’re not experiencing any shrinkage,” she said in a whisper, as he pressed against her.
“Not around you. Not even in this freezing water.”
She pulled away, doing a lazy backstroke to the ladder, and got out of the water and back onto the boat.
Lord he got to her. Even in a situation where she was nervous that his family would like her, he still made her gooey inside.
The sun dried her off, warming her up on the outside. It was unseasonably warm for the Northwest, in the nineties easily. Her eyes were closed as she lounged, but she knew when Todd had come to lie next to her, knew it when he reached out and took her hand. Like knew like—they belonged to the other.
“I like belonging to you,” she said quietly and he squeezed her hand.
“I like it too.”
They ate on and off over the afternoon and into the evening. Todd’s sister and Erin made margaritas, virgin and non, and they all settled in on blankets and chairs, waiting for the fireworks to start.
They played cards. Ben patiently taught Erin canasta and she laughed as she screwed it up over and over.
This had been part of Todd’s life for as long as he could remember. Either they would go to the park and watch, or later, after they got the boat, they came out. It had been etched into his memories and now she was there too.
Erin, his love, snuggled into him as she sat on the ground at his feet, her body resting in the cradle of his thighs. She rested her head on his leg as he played with the tips of her hair.
He caught his mother looking at him with a grin several times. He was sure she’d already started making a quilt for new babies in her head. That thought led him to the look on Erin’s face earlier at his parents’ house, looking at the baby pictures on the wall. He wondered if she’d ever be able to get past what had to be such deep grief.
He’d always wanted children. With Sheila it had been the idea he liked, but he supposed deep down he’d known they wouldn’t last. But he wanted them with Erin. Wanted to see her with their child in her arms, wanted to hear her sing lullabies, wanted that laughter only children can make when you blow raspberries on their bellies.
When the first colors exploded into the sky, they all settled in and watched. There was nothing like the Fourth over Lake Union. He’d been in Boston, had loved hearing the Boston Pops playing along with the fireworks show, but Sheila’s family was different than his own. This was what he was made of, where he was meant to be.
He wanted Erin with him forever. Wanted her to be part of all his new memories.
18
Erin stretched, walking up the front steps to his doorway. She let herself in, knowing he’d be downstairs, most likely with Cope. It was afternoon and while she was off for the day, he still had work until six.
She dropped some food off in the fridge and then took her overnight bag into the bedroom. The place had her stamp on it, she noticed. Her clothes hung in his closet, her toiletries took up space in his bathroom. It made her smile.
It was the end of July and she needed to talk to him about the tour dates. She’d pretty much decided to do the two dates in Washington, at the Gorge. The venue was spectacular, outdoors overlooking the Columbia River. The sound was amazing and she had a sentimental attachment to the venue because it was the first hometown show they’d done back when they were Mud Bay and they had their first big CD.
She wanted Todd to work with the label on security though. Only he could make her feel totally safe in public like that again. And there was the matter of Madison Square Garden. A hella fabulous venue, prestigious, and to be honest, she knew Adrian wanted her there not just to share it with him, but because it would make for a really special show and MSG was a place where they’d always pulled out all the stops before.
But it was New York City. NYC was big and loud and chaotic. She wasn’t sure she had it in her to do it. Talking it over with Todd would help her figure things out. He’d be honest with her, she knew that.
“I thought I heard someone up here.”
She turned and caught sight of him in the doorway, leaning as he ate her up with his gaze.
“I was just dropping off some clean clothes and putting dinner in the fridge. I made enough for Ben and Cope, by the way.” She walked straight into his arms and really came home, laying her head over his heart, listening to the reassuring beat.
He kissed the top of her head and they walked into the kitchen. “I came up for a soda. Cope’s out on a call, but since you’re coming over, I’m sure he’ll be here. Ben’s downstairs; he stopped by to drop off some stuff.”
“Okay. I need to talk to you about something, but it can wait until you’re done for the day.”
He tipped her chin with his finger. “What is it? I’ve always got time for you.”
She told him then. Told him about the invitation to play the shows, told him about her excitement and her fears. Told him about why she wanted to do the Washington shows and the MSG show but also why it scared her. He just listened, leaning against the kitchen counter.
“Of course I’ll consult with the label about your security. I’ll speak with Adrian and we can get it written into the rider for the shows at the specific venues. In fact, I’d feel far more comfortable being in charge of your personal security. We have personal security—bodyguards—we contract with, but between Ben and I, we can be your personal detail and Cope can handle the logistics.”
He kissed her softly. “As for the other stuff? I’ll be by your side the whole time. I’d love to see you play, be it just the two shows here or the shows here and in New York. It’s up to you. I respect your decision either way.”
“What do you think? I know you respect my decision, but I’m asking your opinion.”
“I think you’ll kick yourself if you don’t play the MSG gig.” He shrugged. “I know you, honey. I hear the way your voice changes when you talk about it. You’re scared, yeah, but you’re excited. Wistful. I say do it. We’ll be your personal detail. We’ll work with the label, get things set up. I’m sure Jeremy would want to do whatever he needed to in order to keep you safe.”
She tried not to smile, but the way he said Jeremy’s name was cute. “I don’t love him, you know. I love you.”
“Of course you do.” He raised a brow. “But he has something with you that I want very much. He’s lived with you; he’s had a child with you. It’s hard not to resent him just a bit. And I’m sure he has some swank house in Holmby Hills and shit and wears three-thousand-dollar suits.”
“Benedict Canyon, actually. And yeah, it’s pretty swank. He likes suits too. Flies to London twice a year to buy custom stuff. He drives a Bentley. He spends four hundred dollars to get his hair cut and he gets manicures. He’s a nice man who cringed at the very idea of me wanting him to hold me down. Of me wanting the bruises from his hands holding my arms or wrists. He never bit me. He never made me feel even a shadow of what you do every time you look at me like I’m the most precious thing to ever breathe. You are everything to me, Todd. I don’t care what you drive or where you live. You have horrible taste in music, but I’m willing to overlook it. Thank god I exist to cancel out your vote on Election Day.” She grinned.
“I want you to protect me at these shows. I want you to”—she swallowed hard as emotion swamped her—“be with me and to have babies with me in the future. I never thought I’d want that again. I love you.”
He pulled her close, his hands sli
ding up and down her spine.
“And you were married! I’ve seen her picture you know, at your parents’ house, although I know your mom didn’t like her. Your wife is gorgeous and perfect.”
He snorted and set her away from him enough so that they could see each other’s face. “How did you know my mom didn’t like her?”
“She said, when I was there a few weeks ago, ‘I have no idea what in god’s name Todd was thinking when he married that girl. She had no spine, she didn’t give him what he needed and she was more worried about what fork went where than whether or not she made my boy happy.’ I asked her why she had the wedding photo up and she said,” Erin paused to laugh, “she said she looked really good in the pictures.”
“She thought Sheila did?”
Erin laughed harder. “N-no, your mother thought she, your mother, looked good in them. She said she lost ten pounds just dealing with Sheila’s snotty attitude about the wedding and how much was being spent, and she was sure she’d never be that size again. She asked if I thought it would be bad form if she just cut herself out and left that part.”
Todd laughed then. “What did you say?”
“I said I had scissors in my purse.”
He laughed until he had to wipe away tears. “You fit with my family, you know that? And yes, Sheila is pretty, but she’s my ex-wife and she’s now happily married to someone else. You aren’t pretty, you’re stunning. You make people turn and look when you walk into a room. It doesn’t matter that you might have pink hair when you do it, or that you’re wearing a torn T-shirt. You’re magnetic and you’re mine. Even if you have shitty taste in music, except for what you create, which I freely admit is amazing. Even if you are a bleeding heart liberal.” He winked. “I love you too, and thank you for saying that. About babies. I want that too. I just didn’t want you to hurt more. We’ll take our time on that.”