by Mia Sheridan
My eyes moved over his features for a minute. I didn't feel better. "Okay," I said. "I love you."
He squeezed his eyes shut. "I love you, too. Go inside. I want to hear the door lock behind you."
I turned and walked on wooden legs to the door of my trailer, unlocking it, and opening the door. I glanced behind me before I stepped inside. Kyland was standing just a little distance away, still and watching me. He nodded and I hesitated, feeling something like fear at the resolute expression on his face. I didn't know what it meant exactly, but I sensed it wasn't good.
I closed the door behind me and locked it, sinking down on the couch. I put my face in my hands and sobbed.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Tenleigh
Kyland did come to check on me the next morning, but his demeanor was distant, distracted, almost cold, and it did nothing to comfort me. I was desperately hurt. The pain in my body was the least of my aches.
Marlo had come home a couple hours after me and she must have noticed my bruised face because she'd woken me from sleep and demanded I tell her what happened. I cried in her arms just like she'd cried in mine after being dumped at the bottom of the hill by the man who'd taken her virginity and discarded her.
Physically, the boy who had taken my virginity hadn't hurt me, and I wasn't crying for the pain in my face anyway. I was crying for the pain in my heart.
The minutes ticked by that weekend. I stayed holed up in my trailer, jumping at every sound, hoping against hope it was Kyland. But after that first morning, he didn't come back, and I didn't go to him. He had made his choice clear, and although we'd gotten closer physically, for him it hadn't changed his resolve. In his mind, he'd already left. Somehow I understood that. And it broke my heart.
The following week and through the next weekend, I didn't see him at all. I went to his house a couple times, but he wasn't home—or he wasn't answering his door.
They'd be announcing the winner of the scholarship on Monday. I tried to feel something about that, but I couldn't. I knew what was going to happen, it was a foregone conclusion—Kyland would win it. I had purposely bombed my finals. I knew it was between him and me. And I knew he needed it more than I did. I understood why now. And I loved him. And other than my virginity, it was all I had to give. And I understood now that whether he deserved it or not, I would lay everything I had at his feet. I felt desperate and crazy, half out of my head with the fear of losing him forever. Grief pounded in my chest.
On Monday morning, as I walked down the road toward school, I was surprised to see Kyland waiting for me in front of his house. Despite all the hurt of the past week, the smile in my heart at seeing him made its way instantly to my face. "Hi," I said.
He smiled at me, too. "Hi. Your eye looks a lot better." But his eyes lingered on my bruise, still slightly yellow, and something determined came into his expression.
I nodded. "It doesn't even hurt anymore." He looked at me as if he wondered if I was lying, but he didn't say it.
"I came to your house a few times this week," I said. "You weren't home." I glanced nervously at him, hoping he would say something to make me feel better—anything.
He nodded. "I needed to make some money, Ten. With all the studying I've been doing, I've neglected some bills. And I have to eat."
My heart dropped. "Kyland, we had a little extra. I could have spared some food."
He was silent for so long, I didn't think he'd say anything. Finally, he looked at me, a raw sadness in his eyes and said, "There's no need. I'm fine now."
So much unsaid between us now. Another crack formed in my heart. I wasn't sure how many cracks it could take. I didn't want to know.
We walked in silence for a while, the morning filled with the sound of birdsong, the warm spring air caressing my face and my bare arms. The rhododendrons were in bloom—we passed by one that was so full of red blooms it looked like a blazing inferno of flowers. Everything in nature felt new. I inhaled deeply and smelled the mixture of fresh soil and new leaves. Maybe we could be new, too. Very suddenly, the world seemed ripe with possibility as the boy I loved walked solemnly next to me. Maybe we both just needed to get over ourselves, have a little hope. Plus, this was going to be a good day for him—he just didn't know it yet. I squinted up at him. "So, big day today."
He frowned down at me. "Yeah." The smile disappeared from my face. He stopped in the road and turned to me. "Tenleigh, whatever happens today, I . . ." He ran his hand through his hair in that sexy, unsure way that he did. "It's the way it's meant to be, okay?"
I furrowed my brow, not understanding exactly what that meant. "Okay," I agreed anyway. I already knew what was going to happen today. I had made peace with it.
We walked the rest of the way mostly in silence, but a pleasant enough one. I couldn't read his mood, but I figured that was to be expected. I left him alone with his thoughts. He was probably nervous, anxious, and afraid. The last four years of his life, all the suffering, all the pain, all the work, all the sacrifice, all the hunger, it was going to come down to one moment at the school assembly we were walking into in only a few hours. I wanted to reassure him, but I didn't. He couldn't know what I'd done.
So many things hung between us in the air that morning, so many things neither of us spoke of. So many secrets, so many half-truths, so much pain.
When we got to the door of the school, he leaned forward and took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering there as if he was gathering himself. And then he backed up and looked at me, smiling a small smile, his eyes moving over my face as if he was memorizing me, as if he was saying goodbye.
I opened my mouth to speak, to beg him to do something, to ask him to explain what was happening. But I had no idea what. He turned and walked into the school. He didn't look back.
**********
Later, when I recalled that assembly, it seemed like a dream, like I hadn't really been there in the flesh when they called my name. I had been so ready to hear the name Kyland Barrett called when the winner of the scholarship was awarded, that my brain didn't hear my own name instead. And so I sat there, smiling and clapping with the rest of the student body. The girl next to me laughed and elbowed me, smiling kindly as she said, "Get up there."
I had blinked and looked around, shock gripping me. No! No, this wasn't right. I even whispered it, "No," as I was pulled up and pushed along the aisle, faces smiling at me and congratulations being called out as I moved along the row of students, drawing their legs to the side to make room. I looked around wildly for Kyland and finally spotted him, sitting with his last period class, the look on his face strangely blank. "No," I whispered again.
"Tenleigh Falyn," Edward Kearney announced again, beaming at me from the stage. I didn't remember walking up there, but suddenly I was in front of him and his large, capped smile was right in front of me. He laughed, a deep chuckle, the same one I recalled coming from the small bedroom of our trailer as the bed squeaked and my mama moaned.
I looked back at Kyland's seat, but he wasn't there. He had gone.
"Well, congratulations," he said. "I can see this is quite a shock." I looked over to our principal, Mrs. Branson, and she grinned widely at me. I didn't smile back.
The rest of that hour went by in a haze. I wanted to jump up and run out of there. I wanted to chase after Kyland. I wanted to comfort him, talk to him, be with him. What was he feeling right now? Oh, Kyland. I wanted to scream.
How could it be that I was getting the one thing I had dreamed of more than any other over my high school career, and it was like a nightmare? Funny how our dreams can shift in what seems like an instant.
When it was over, when there had been applause and congratulations, when I'd been handed the paperwork telling me that my tuition at San Diego State University had been paid in full, including my dorm room, and an account opened in my name that would pay for my meals, when all my dreams had supposedly come true, I went tearing out of there straight to Mrs. Branson's of
fice.
"Tenleigh," she said, surprised laughter bubbling from her when I barged into her office and shut the door behind me, probably looking crazed.
"I can't take the scholarship," I blurted out. "There's been a mistake."
Mrs. Branson laughed again, but her brows furrowed. "Tenleigh, my dear, there hasn't been a mistake. Mr. Kearney had all that paperwork drawn up already. It's all set, all in your name. Mistakes aren't made when it comes to something important like that. You won it, honey. Fair and square."
I shook my head, collapsing in the chair across from her desk. "I bombed my finals," I said. "I did terribly."
I did it for Kyland. I did it so he'd win.
This is all wrong. This is all wrong.
She pursed her lips, regarding me quizzically. "I did see that you choked on those tests, Tenleigh. I was surprised. You've always been such a good test taker." She waved her hand in the air. "But, evidently, the scholarship is based on more than final test scores—you have to understand that your whole four years here is taken into consideration . . . how many AP classes you took, what extracurricular activities you were involved in, things of that nature."
The truth was, I hadn't been involved in many extracurricular activities. We couldn't afford them, and I'd had to work. This couldn't be right. And yet . . . it was.
I wondered briefly if this had anything to do with my mother. I sat up straight in the chair. Had Mr. Kearney given me this scholarship to get our family out of town? But how would that work? It's not like I could take anyone with me. What? Would my mama and Marlo sleep in my dorm room bunk bed with me? Of course not. I was desperate and so confused.
"I want to transfer it into someone else's name," I said, looking at her pointedly.
She frowned. "That's not possible. I'm sorry, but, that's absolutely not possible. It's all been arranged." She stood up and came around her desk and took my hands in hers, looking at me kindly. "Tenleigh, you won this. It's yours. I know," she bit her lip, "well, I know sometimes it's hard to accept things when you're not used to having a lot, but please, dear Tenleigh, let yourself feel happiness and pride in this. You did it. You did all the work involved to win this. You deserve it. It's yours."
My shoulders sagged, but I nodded. "Thank you, Mrs. Branson." I got up and walked out of her office. Yes, I earned it, but I no longer wanted it. It had to go to Kyland. He needed this more than I did.
I left school and fast-walked all the way back to Dennville. This wasn't right. I wouldn't leave him. We'd make other plans. I didn't want to leave Kentucky. I didn't want to go to college. I wanted Kyland's love and I wouldn't let it go, not for a college education, not for anything. I wouldn't. It was foolish, but I didn't care. The only thing I wanted in this world was him. Near the base of our hill, I stopped and sat down on a rock on the side of the dirt road, taking a piece of paper out of my backpack, and scrawling out a quick list. Then I got up and ran the rest of the way.
I was huffing and sweaty when I got to Kyland's door and pounded on it. He had left the assembly, so surely he'd come back here? I heard footsteps and waited. After a minute, he opened his door slowly, staring out at me. I stared back at him, my breath coming out in ragged exhales.
"Can I come in?" I asked.
He smiled stiffly and opened it wider, inviting me inside. He still hadn't spoken.
When he closed the door behind me and I turned to him, I couldn't help it, I burst into tears. He moved toward me instantly and wrapped me in his arms. "Shh, Tenleigh, why are you crying? I'm so proud of you. You earned this. You earned it." He pulled back and smoothed my hair away from my face. "You're going to go to college." He smiled and it looked sincere and tender—proud. It made me cry harder. I shook my head.
"I don't want to go to college," I said. "I want you to go to college."
He pulled back as if I'd slapped him. "Well, that's not the way it happened. It just didn't. You're going to go—and you're going to get an education. You're going to get out of here, Tenleigh. You're going to have such a beautiful life—a life filled with books and nice clothes, and a house that's heated in the winter, a car, and plenty of food in your refrigerator. You're going to see the ocean." His voice was filled with passion . . . and heartbreak. My own heart felt like it was bleeding in my chest and my eyes filled with tears.
"Kyland," I went toward him and put my hand on his cheek, "I don't care about any of that. I want . . . I want you. I know the last few weeks have been . . . tense, but we can get back to the way it was. I know we can. And I already have books. If I'm cold, we'll warm each other. If I'm hungry, we'll find a way just like we always have." Hope gripped me. Love, that's what I wanted. And I was willing to fight for it. I was willing to be a fool for it. Suddenly, I realized, nothing on this whole earth was more important than love. I moved closer to him. "We'll both get jobs somewhere—who cares where—and we'll rent a little house, we'll plant a garden." My voice rose as I pictured it, the words spilling out faster and faster. I realized I sounded desperate, but I didn't care. I grabbed my backpack and took the list out that I'd written on the side of the road. "I made a list," I said hopefully. "All the things we'll need to save up for before we can move into town. Sometimes writing things down, you know, makes it easier to picture, makes it seem more possible." I glanced down at the piece of paper, shaking in my trembling grasp. "I figure it'll only take us . . ." My words faded away when I noticed Kyland was looking at me with deep pity in his eyes. I stopped talking and his look of pity turned to anger. I dropped my arms, the piece of paper floating to the floor forlornly.
"Don't you dare even say that, Tenleigh," Kyland gritted out. "You have a chance here, a chance at a real life, and you'd turn it down for a shitty little existence with me? Both of us struggling and scrimping and going without until we both hated each other?"
"No," I squeaked out. "That's not how it would be. And I would turn it all down for you." Because it was true. I realized in that instant that I'd throw it all away for him. And I knew that was stupid and reckless and wrong, but it was how I felt. I wouldn't leave him here in this little house or on a lonely highway somewhere hitchhiking out of town. I wouldn't let him suffer and scrounge for food one more day of his life. I wouldn't. Nothing on earth could make me.
He barked out a sharp laugh and I winced. "Love will keep us alive?" he asked, his voice dripping with ugly sarcasm. "You of all people should know what a stupid thing that is to say. Love doesn't keep anyone alive. Food does. Warmth does. Have you, your sister, and your mama been barely surviving on love all this time, Tenleigh?"
I swallowed down a lump of hurt. "I just . . . No." I looked down, but then looked up at him. "Why don't you come with me, then?" My voice cracked on the last word.
"What?"
I moved closer to him. "Come with me. You said you were going to walk out of here. Make your way to California. I'll wait for you. You won't be able to stay with me, but . . . you can get a job, find a place of your own. We can be together there."
I swore I saw longing flit through his expression, but then he turned from me again. "I can't do that."
I looked down, biting my lip. The truth was, that would be difficult. He barely had any money at all. To hitchhike all the way across the country without stopping . . . and then what would he do? Live in a homeless shelter until he got a job? Could you even get a job from a homeless shelter? Where would he get clothes? Could I keep him hidden in my dorm room? Would that risk my scholarship? Okay, so the logistics weren't exactly adding up . . .
"Okay, then listen, I'll go to California, Ky, and when I'm done, I'll come back here and—"
"Don't you dare ever come back here," he yelled, startling me. His eyes were fiery with anger. "Don't you dare go to college and then come back here. Why would you ever even consider that? This is your chance, Tenleigh. Why would you ever come back here? The whole point of this scholarship is that you can get out of Dennville. It's the whole point. There are no jobs here—there's no reason on ear
th to come back."
I frowned. "The people I love are here—you're here, my mama's here, my sister."
He shook his head. "You finish college and then you get a good job and you pay for them to move to California with you. Then all three of you will have a chance at life."
"I'd come back here for you," I said. "Or you could work for a year, save some money, and then you could come to California. If we have to wait—"
"I can't do that."
"Of course you can," I said. "Anything's possible. We can make it happen. Why can't we?" I asked.
His eyes met mine. "Because Shelly's pregnant," he said.
For a brief second, the words didn't compute. Then, ice water filled my veins. "Shelly's . . ." I trailed off. "What? What does that have to do with you, Kyland?" I asked, my voice breaking on his name.
"I have to stay here," he said in barely more than a whisper.
The world around me swayed, and my face turned hot. "I don't understand," I said. "How could . . . It's yours? I don't . . ." I backed up and when I felt the wall behind me, I leaned against it. Kyland watched me, his expression wary, unreadable. "You had sex with her?"
He let out a long, shuddery breath. "I'm sorry. Things were getting too intense with us. I just needed to remind myself that—"
"That what?" I sobbed. Kyland winced. "That it was going to be possible to dismiss me when the time came?" Devastation hit me in the gut like a body blow and I weaved. This couldn't be happening. Oh God, oh God. No. No. No. No. No. I realized I was moving my head along with my inner screaming.
"You said you loved me," I croaked out. I put my hand to my head. This couldn't be real. Make it stop.
"I—"
I stuck my hand up to halt his words. I held it out in front of me, shaking, warding off whatever he'd been about to say, whether to confirm or deny. Either one would be equally as bad. A sob came up my throat.
Suddenly Kyland advanced on me. "You listen to me, Tenleigh. You are going to leave here. You are going to forget all about Dennville, Kentucky. Leave here and don't ever look back. And when the time comes, you'll make a life for yourself, your mama, and your sister. All three of you are getting out of here. Do you know how fucking rare it is for people like us to get out from under the poverty of a place like this? You have a chance. Take it."