by Tillie Cole
I quickly finished shelving the last pair of pants and pulled Beauty in for a hug. It shocked her. I could tell by her sharp gasp. I did not show affection often, it was not natural to me, but I really appreciated Beauty’s friendship, especially right now.
“Ahem.” Someone cleared his throat behind us. Letting go of Beauty, I glanced over her shoulder.
“Hello, Flame,” I greeted, spotting him standing awkwardly at the main door. His eyes darted all over the place, from the floor to the ceiling and over his shoulder. He was always uneasy, always on guard.
“Mae. Beauty,” he greeted flatly with a nod. Flame was dressed in dark jeans, white shirt and his cut. His strangely-cut dark hair was messy and windswept from riding, but his large, almond-shaped black eyes shone with their usual eerie glare.
He addressed me blankly. “Styx had business to attend to. Sent me to pick you up and take you home. Straight to his apartment. Okay?”
“Oh, okay,” I replied. “When will he be back?”
Flame shrugged. “When he gets back.”
I knew that was as much information as I could expect. Club business after all.
I quickly ran into the back room to collect my purse, then waved good-bye to Beauty. “See you in the morning!”
“Bye, honey!” she called as she made her way to a rather large grizzly customer in the helmet section.
Flame was already waiting for me on his Harley, back stiff, eyes roaming and head twitching. I had only ever ridden with Rider and Styx. Strangely, it felt like I was betraying them by getting on the back of Flame’s bike. In truth, he unnerved me at the best of times. Even more so in such close proximity.
Awkwardly clambering aboard, I reached out to grip his waist but he leapt forward on a low growl. “Don’t put your fuckin’ hands ’round my waist!”
I lifted up my hands, showing they were clear from his body. “I am very sorry,” I hushed out quietly.
After a few moments, he appeared to relax. “I can’t be touched on my waist, my stomach or any lower. Okay, Mae?”
My heart beat fast with nerves and I frowned in confusion. “Okay,” I confirmed. Then I enquired, “Can I grip onto the side of your cut? Just the material, not your body? I will not touch you, I promise.”
Flame nervously glanced back, his obsidian eyes wide. Surprisingly, his hands began shaking on the handlebars. Then, hesitantly, Flame answered, “That’s fine. Just… don’t touch… don’t fuckin’ touch…”
I nodded my head in agreement, fisted his cut, and abruptly we rolled away. Fifteen minutes later, we arrived at the compound. As we parked, my pulse accelerated. A black-and-chrome Harley was parked out front—Rider’s Harley.
He was back!
Dismounting the bike, I thanked Flame and went to make my way inside the back stairwell to Styx’s apartment. Flame rode off out of compound with a roar and I stopped mere inches from the backdoor. With Styx gone on business, I should be able to speak to Rider alone, to try and get my friend back, to try and salvage whatever relationship we had left.
For the last four weeks I had been told to use the back entrance to Styx’s apartment unless the club was open to wives and old ladies. It was not a Friday or Saturday night, or a Hangmen family day for that matter, so I knew I was breaking the rules if I went in the bar without Styx. I did not want to anger Styx but…
The need to see Rider won and I found myself pushing through the doors to the bar. The first thing to greet me was the thick fog of tobacco smoke, followed by the strong scent of liquor. Rock music was blasting through the speakers and I spotted Smiler at the bar, nursing a beer.
“Good afternoon, Smiler,” I said. His eyes stuck out like organ stops on seeing me alone in the brothers’ bar. Smiler never smiled—his soubriquet was ironic—and he rarely talked. He jerked his chin up in greeting.
“Were you on the run with Rider?”
He nodded his head slowly, eyes inquisitive.
Looking down, I fidgeted with my hands. “Where is he now?”
“His room.” I went to walk off, when Smiler added, “Might wanna stay the fuck out of there, though.”
“Why?” I asked casually as a tight throat suddenly afflicted me.
“Just a heads up. Not the type of thing Prez’ll want you ’round, if you catch my drift.”
Smiler turned back to the bar and switched on the TV. Some sports game was playing. His heavy curtain of brown hair fell over his eyes, blocking him from my view.
I walked carefully through to the hallway hosting the brothers’ private rooms and knocked on Rider’s door. I could hear loud music coming from inside and after several minutes of no response, I knew he had not heard my call.
But he was in there and I was not going away without seeing him.
Sucking in a breath and checking that the hallway was empty, I pressed on the handle and pushed in… and my breath immediately caught in my throat.
Good. Lord.
Rider…
Rider was naked, muscles bunching, veins throbbing, limbs tense. Rider was on his bed… on his bed with a slight black-haired girl prostrate at his crotch. Sucking enthusiastically at his length.
He was laid back on the mattress, his eyes squeezed shut, full lips slightly parted. And the girl… Urgh! The girl was without clothes, her small body tucked right between Rider’s legs, her big blue eyes hungry as she gorged on his flesh, her attention always on Rider’s face.
Past conversations ran through my head. You got a bitch pining for you somewhere, Rider? Letti had asked.
No. No bitch anywhere.
You want to be with someone you love, I said knowingly.
Rider shrugged. I can’t shake it. It was the way I was raised.
This was not right! This entire scene was so messed up. Rider wanted more for himself than this; he had told me so. Deserved to award himself with more than this act of desperation. He wanted to wait for someone he loved. That is you. He loves you. My mind tormented me with conflicting thoughts.
There was only one thing to do.
I stormed across the previously neat bedroom, now scattered with dirty clothes and empty liquor bottles, and pulled the plug on the deafening stereo.
I was still holding the stereo’s cord in my hand when Rider lifted his head off the mattress. He looked straight into my eyes, which widened in shock, before dulling back to their previously glazed state.
The girl on her knees tried to lift her head too, but Rider’s forceful hand kept her taking his fullness in her mouth.
She whimpered and began fighting against his hold.
Rider smirked.
I retched.
This was not the Rider I had come to know.
Dropping the cord, I walked toward the bed, collecting the girl’s small pink dress and high shoes as I went. Gripping Rider’s wrist, I heaved it back from the girl’s head and she broke away with a loud gasp.
She looked up at me with watering doe eyes. “Leave,” I ordered.
She did not hesitate. My goodness, she looked all of eighteen, perhaps nineteen at most. What was she doing in a place like this? With brothers too old and too… rough for a girl her size and age?
Rider shot to his feet, his manhood still erect and flat against his stomach. I averted my eyes. Men being nude was nothing new to me. The disciples would always be free of clothes in the sharings and I was used to ignoring their flesh; I would simply treat Rider in the same manner.
Rider’s bullet wound scar met my eyes. Grabbing the girl by her arm, he yanked her back. “Fuck off, Mae. Snow White here was sucking my cock. The bitch ain’t going nowhere.”
Snow White! Really? Vomit crept up my throat.
My stomach churned as I surveyed the girl. She was like me… in every single way: looks, height, frame.
Poor Rider.
As I pushed on Rider’s chest, he fell back to the bed with a grunt. Quickly scrambling to his feet, a murderous look formed his stern expression.
I turned to the gir
l again. “Leave. Right now. Leave and never come back. I will not ask again.”
The sound of soft feet padding on the hardwood floor graced my ears and the bedroom door slammed shut a few seconds later. I swerved round to confront Rider, who was now standing flush to my front, his chest panting hard, his teeth clenched as he stared me down.
“What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing?” He emphasized every word through gritted teeth.
I lifted my eyes to meet his and saw conflict swirling in their depths. He wanted me. I knew this look now. I knew what it meant. Lust was boiling up; I could see it in the way his lips tensed as he glared at me. I listed more: the way his fingers clenched, fighting the urge not to touch me… and the way his length was harder now than it ever was with the poor girl braced on her knees to take him in her mouth.
“Rider. Do not do this to yourself,” I begged in a quiet voice.
“Do what? Fuck? She was sucking my cock real good ’til you busted in shooting it all to hell.”
“You do not believe in this kind of thing! This… mindless whoring is not you. You told me over and over how you wanted to be with someone you loved. It was the way you were raised. Just like me, remember?”
“Yeah,” he said breathlessly. His shoulders drooped and his brown eyes softened a touch. “The someone I love’s with someone else though. What the hell am I meant to do about that?”
“Rider…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say in response. He lifted his hand and stroked it down my hair, rubbing the black strands between his fingers. “I can’t deal with it, Mae. I can’t stand that you’re with him.” His low voice was broken and pained. My chest ached.
I reached for his hand and squeezed it in mine. “Rider… I love him.”
His head tipped back to the ceiling and his lips tensed under the cover of his short brown beard.
He released my hand. “And I love you, Mae,” he confided, voice hoarse. His chin lowered and he cupped my face in his large hands. “I fuckin’ love you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I drink to forget that you’re with him… in his room… fu—” He winced. “Hell, I can’t even think of it right now! I found that young bitch with Viking. I just wanted to forget you for a while. I don’t sleep. Can’t eat…”
“Rider, please. You are my best friend.”
“I don’t wanna be your fuckin’ ‘best friend’, Mae!”
“Rider…” I lowered my head as tears began dropping freely.
“No, Mae! We’d be so good together. We want the same things, believe the same things. Your future could be with me.”
“I am with Styx, Rider!”
“Fuck Styx!”
“No!” I pulled back from his embrace. “You will not speak of him in such a way! I love him, Rider. I love you too, but in a completely different way. Stop making this so difficult! I feel like I am being torn in two!”
“Difficult! DIFFICULT! You don’t know the meaning of the word! You stayed with me for weeks. Just you and me. You talked to me about everything: your faith, your worries, your hopes. You laughed with me, fell asleep with me, fuckin’ RODE ON THE BACK OF MY BIKE! You were mine first, Mae. Not his! MINE!”
“That is where you are mistaken, Rider,” I rasped out, my voice small.
His brows furrowed. “How? How am I mistaken?”
“I have been Styx’s since I was eight years old.”
His breathing calmed down. “What? How—”
“I met him years ago, only briefly, but it was enough. Our fate was sealed from that day on.”
He exhaled in shock. “He found the commune? Where? How?”
I nodded my head. “He found us by mistake, but I believe I was meant to meet him that day.”
Rider shook his head as though shielding himself from that truth. As he stepped forward, I retreated until my back hit the wall.
I had nowhere else to go.
Rider leaned in against me, still naked, eyes blazing. “I don’t care what happened years ago. I don’t care if the brother speaks to you or you think you share some childhood connection. I want you right now. Forget the past! I want to be with you, Mae.”
My palms pressed against his hard, bare chest, but he refused to move. Rider towered above me, pouring his heart out. All I could offer in return was to break it more with every pain-filled confession. His tongue snaked out and licked along his lips, and my heart began to pound. If it were not for Styx, I would be drawn to Rider, no doubt. If it were not for Styx, I would fall for Rider. But Styx was my life… he was my heart.
“I am so sorry, Rider, but I can—” I did not get the chance to finish my sentence before Rider’s lips smashed against mine. His hands held my face in a vise-like grip and I struggled to move. His beard hair brushed against my skin and, unable to break away, I resolved to let him have this. Let him have me this way only.
Just this once.
His tongue probed my lips open and I could taste liquor in his mouth. My tears dropped freely from my eyes as his touch deepened, his soft beard growing wet. I did not return the kiss, but still, he did not stop.
His hips pressed against mine, urging me to respond, his length hard against my stomach. I could not give anything in return. I just stood and let him have his way. Eventually, he pulled away and I could see clearly the guttering hurt in his expression as he stared me down.
“Mae… I feel like I can’t breathe anymore,” he confessed, his voice tight. “I watch you watch him with that look on your face. The look you have only for Prez.” He peered up at me, face sullen—a little boy lost. “Why can’t you look at me like that?”
Lord, the pain behind those words…
My chest heaved with the gut-wrenching sobs leaving my body. “I do not know, Rider. Please, I am not trying to hurt you. But I cannot see you this way, it is breaking my heart.”
He stopped dead. “You are hurting me, Mae and I can’t stand it anymore! If I have to sit in one more meeting with Prez, knowing he was in your pussy only minutes before, I’m gonna go insane. If I have to ride out with him anymore, him chasing road just to get back into your arms, I’m fixin’ to explode! This is my goddamn home and I ain’t got nowhere else to go.”
He carefully approached and began wiping at my tears. “But I can’t be here with you and him.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. A strange expression flitted across his face. “Styx ain’t got no future, Mae. If you stay with him, only trouble will find you.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked suspiciously.
His emotional walls went up immediately. “He’s a man wanted by a lotta folks. He’s on borrowed time, Mae. He has no future. You do… I do.”
“Rider, stop it!” I yelled.
Rider stumbled away. “I can’t stay here with you and him no more. If you’ve made your choice… I’m smoke.”
I gripped his wrist and pulled his palm to my face. He sucked in a breath. “I do not want you to go.”
“Why?” he demanded as he moved in and pressed his forehead to mine. I could smell that woodsy soap on his skin… it made me feel so safe. Rider had always made me feel safe. But all we did of late was rip each other to shreds.
“Because I will miss you,” I answered honestly.
He sighed long and hard through his nose. “It’s not enough, Mae. That’s not nearly enough.”
“I know, but I had to try…” I sniffed through my sobs.
Rider’s hand shook as he pressed a chaste kiss to my head. “I love you. How could I not? You’re perfect,” he whispered, his graveled voice almost inaudible. Warm breath blew in my ear and he whispered, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of all is love.” My heart melted as he quoted my favorite Bible verse. Then my heart broke because I knew this was Rider’s farewell.
“Please tell me you will be safe. Tell me you will be happy,” I urged through a tightening throat.
His nose ran along my jaw and pressed into my hair. He inhaled and whispered, “I’ll never be ha
ppy without you, Mae. Fuck. Why him? He’s gonna lead you straight to hell.”
“Is that so, motherfucker?”
The click of a gun loading froze us both.
Rider’s brown eyes met mine and I began to shake in fear. Closing his eyes, Rider backed away from our place against the wall and the barrel of a handgun greeted his head. I glanced over my shoulder to see Styx stood behind, with Ky beside him. I had never seen Styx look so angry before. His hazel eyes were flat and dead as he glared at Rider. Rider, who was naked—I had forgotten he was without clothes. This had not been about sex. It never had been with Rider. This was about giving my best friend closure. It was about letting him go.
“Styx, keep Mae outta this,” Rider said firmly.
Styx’s eyes narrowed as they met mine. Hurt was evident in his stare.
“Styx. Please. It is not what you think,” I begged, blood draining from my face at the sight of Ky’s gun pointing at Rider’s head.
“Then you better explain, sugar. And do it damn fast.” I glanced up at Ky; he was equally pissed. Rider had gone against a brother, a mortal sin in the Hangmen world.
“Styx… baby,” I pleaded, catching Rider’s flinch at my soothing tone to Styx. Styx rewarded Rider’s reaction with a swift hit to the back of his head with his fist.
“Styx, I came in here to help Rider. He has been finding things hard lately. I was worried about him,” I said in panic.
“Fucker’s creepin’ on Prez’s property; that’s what he’s been doing,” Ky said, cracking his neck from side to side. Styx and Ky were going to hurt Rider… all because of me.
Why the fuck’s he naked? Styx furiously signed, drawing my attention. I now understood some ASL through Styx’s intense tuition, and I most certainly did not need his question translated. Styx’s palpable emotions alone conveyed his rage at the scene before him.
“We weren’t fucking, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Rider hissed out in a stabbing tone.
That response obviously got to Styx, and I screamed as he dragged Rider to the wall, slammed him up by his throat and, ripping Ky’s gun from his hand, inserted the barrel into Rider’s mouth.