I don’t want to see them another minute. “You should probably get going. Piedmont has terrible parking.”
I get up to kiss my boy goodbye. “Mommy will see you in a little while.”
I’m sitting in Beau’s office trying to work but the words won’t come. I’ve literally worked on the same paragraph, with a few minor changes, for fifteen minutes. At this stage of the game, I’ve learned that when it’s not popping, it’s time to walk away for a little while.
I close my laptop and think about how I would kill for a glass of Wittmann Westhofener Morstein Riesling as big as my head. That might help the words flow.
My first book was based on my experience with Beau at Indulge, told through Emma Jane’s eyes. The second was Ben’s point of view. Now, I’ve been asked to write their HEA. And I’m fucking uninspired. How do I write about something I’ve not experienced?
This book is supposed to be a modern-day fairy tale filled with breathless moments. And sex. Lots of it. And babies.
I’m just not feelin’ it.
Feeling a little snoopy, I open Beau’s desk drawer. Nothing interesting there so I move down to the next one. Hmm. What is this?
I flip the picture frame over. “Ah, Beau.” It’s a framed photograph of us with the dolphins. I haven’t seen this picture since I stowed my copy away in the box never to be opened again.
I find a stack of six pictures beneath it, all of us. Four in Jamaica. One at my book signing in New York, the day he found me. The last of him and Clark in the hotel lobby the morning they met. All worn with frayed corners.
Fuck.
I go to Beau’s bedroom and sit on the edge of his bed. I grab his pillow and bring it to my nose. I inhale deeply. God, it smells so good, just like him. I fall back and squeeze it to my chest.
My life sucks.
I thought the heartbreak I felt when I fled Jamaica was the worst but my world split down the middle when I saw him with those two fuck-tarts.
I hurt so badly afterward. Is that how Beau has been feeling these last few months seeing me with Preston?
I had a year to get my shit together. And I did. I found a friend and companion I trust and feel secure with. But then Beau inserts himself into my life and all that goes to shit. He has been making me question everything for months.
Now, I see him with someone else and the problem is clear. I may have fucked up when I didn’t tell him those three words he wanted to hear.
I have to talk to Preston.
* * *
Preston is at his place, feet propped on the cocktail table with papers spread all around him. He looks up and peers at me over his reading glasses. “Hey, you. Whatcha doing here?”
“Beau took Clark to the park. Wasn’t much need for me to stay at his place since they weren’t there.” I leave off the part about Daphne. I hate admitting, even to my own fiancé, that Beau is with another woman.
“Grading papers, eh?”
“Yeah. I have to return these Monday.”
Preston never uses his teaching assistant. He doesn’t have it in him to relinquish the control. God, he can be uptight.
“So, you’ll have to go back to his house?” Preston refuses to say Beau’s name.
“Yeah, but not for a while. There are some local bands playing at the park. I figure they’ll be gone a few hours.” Clark will let them know when it’s time to come back.
Preston gathers the papers surrounding him and transfers them to the cocktail table. “We’re alone. That’s a rare occurrence these days.”
I know what that means. He wants to have sex. “I need to talk to you.”
He removes his glasses and tosses them on top of his papers. He blinks several times. “Sounds serious.”
“It is, I’m afraid.”
He pats the cushion next to him. “Come sit next to me.”
I do as he asks. When I say nothing, he reaches for my hand, gently squeezing it. “You’ve been so distant, Anna.”
“I know.” Things have been so different between us since Beau came back into my life.
“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on and where your head is.”
The tears come before the words. “I can’t marry you.”
“Because of him.” His voice breaks on the last word.
“Yes,” I whisper.
Preston leans away from me. He inhales deeply before releasing the breath slowly. “Have you slept with him?”
I want to lie so badly because I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. But I have to tell him the truth; he deserves that much. “Yes.”
“How many times?”
“Twice.”
He says nothing as he releases my hand.
“I’m so sorry, Preston. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I mean that.
“Do you love him or was it just sex?”
I feel so guilty. “I love him.”
He nods. “Of course, you do. You always have, and I knew that, but I thought we were in the clear because he wasn’t around.”
I thought the same. “You know I never intended for him to be in my life again.”
Preston leaves the couch and stands with his hands on his hips staring out the window, his back to me. “Have you told him that you love him?”
“No.” But I’ve wanted to so badly. I’ve held back, believing if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be such a horrible person. Such an unfaithful fiancée. I thought I deserved to suffer in silence for being in love with another man. But the truth is I couldn’t help it. My head didn’t choose to love Beau. My heart did. I couldn’t stop if I tried. And I did try. But it was useless.
Preston is a friend. He’s safe. I could marry him and probably never know a day of hurt for the rest of my life. But I’d also never know what it is to have legs impatient for him to be between. To be unraveled down to my last thread of decency. To have the breath knocked out of me because I’ve fallen in love so hard.
I can’t help myself.
I want mad passionate love, even if it’s harder and hurts more. Even if it comes at a price.
“Has he told you he loves you?”
“Yes.” Many times.
“I believe he does.” He stares out the window for a long time.
“You’re breaking my heart, Anna.” Breaking his heart is breaking mine.
“I’m so sorry.” I don’t know what else to say. There are no words to make this better.
“You’re aware of the things he likes, yet you choose him anyway, knowing in the end, he will destroy you. Hell, Anna. He went right back to that lifestyle after you. I don’t understand why you’d choose to inflict that kind of pain upon yourself.”
I’m glad he went back into a poly relationship after me. I don’t think I could have handled him being in a one-on-one relationship if it wasn’t with me. I want him to save that part of himself for us.
“Beau and I were separated because of lies he had no knowledge of. He was ready to commit to me then, but things got in the way. I believe him when he says he’ll give up that lifestyle. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t put my heart or Clark’s in his hands.”
I’m still talking to his back. But maybe that enables me to say the words he needs to hear.
“I want you to know I wouldn’t have survived and thrived during the last year had it not been for your friendship. I hate how much this is hurting you, but I can’t go into a marriage without giving it 100%. That is what you deserve.”
Preston finally leaves the window and comes back to me, taking my hand. “I can’t change your mind, can I?”
I shake my head. “No.”
He gently lifts my chin with his fingers so I’m looking at him. “I love you, Anna, and I want you to be happy, even if it’s with him.”
Dear, sweet man.
I have loved Preston, but not as he deserves. He has a heart of gold. How he can want what’s best for me at this moment is beyond comprehension.
I place my engagement ring in his cupped hand and close it. With tears in my eye
s, I say, “Your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet, and she will be the luckiest woman alive to have it.”
* * *
That was brutal. I hated hurting Preston. He’s such a kind and loving man. I truly want the best for him, and that’s not me.
I go back to Beau’s house. My two guys and the loudmouth have beaten me there. If I didn’t figure it out by seeing Beau’s Hummer in the garage, I’d know because Daphne’s horselaugh echoes through the house when I enter the front door. So fucking annoying. I don’t know how he can stand listening to her.
“I’m back,” I announce.
I go into the living room and find Beau and Daphne cozy on the sofa. One look at them and I’m consumed with jealousy. Can he tell?
I must admit I’m a little perturbed to see Clark happily sitting in her lap. I feel a little betrayed by my eight-month-old.
Clark sees me and immediately squirms in her lap, reaching for me. I happily take him from her. “Hello, my sweet boy. Did you enjoy your day at the park with Daddy?” I purposefully leave off Daphne.
Beau’s smiling. He likes it when I call him Daddy.
“I think he did. He may be a fan of music.”
“I’m glad you had nice weather. How was the music?”
Of course, she’s the one who answers. “Oh! My! God! It was so good!”
She rambles on for five minutes about complete nonsense before Beau’s able to get a word in. “There was a guy who put a reggae twist on a lot of popular songs but he also did an acoustic cover of ‘Falling’ by Iration.”
“Ah, I’m sad I missed it. That’s one of my favorite songs.” Beau and I danced to it at the reggae club in Jamaica––while I was falling for him.
“Ugh! I hated that reggae shit.” She babbles on again. I block out most of it but she regains my attention when she places her hand on Beau’s thigh. “Are we still going to Café Intermezzo after they leave?”
At least she’s subtle about putting her foot on my ass and giving Clark and me a shove to get us out the door faster. Too bad. I’m not going anywhere. “Beau has Clark until nine o’clock.”
“You mean Beau has Clark and his mother.” Daphne looks at her watch and sighs loudly. “And that’s over three more hours.”
Wow. One would think she’s ready to be rid of my son and me. Can’t imagine why.
I need a break from Miss Loud Mouth. “Baby boy, I bet you’re ready to nurse.”
“Dear, Lord! You still breastfeed him?” She sounds so disgusted. “Are your breasts super saggy?”
It’s an inappropriate question so I decide to give her an impolite reply. “My tits are fantastic. Aren’t they, Beau?”
Beau bursts into laughter. Daphne, not so much. “She’s right. They’re pretty spectacular.”
Bam, Daphne! In yo' face.
The look Daphne gives Beau is priceless. I’m pretty sure it could qualify as a death stare.
Clark and I go into Beau’s bedroom to get away from big mouth. Poor little thing has probably had all he can stand. Beau should be ashamed for forcing that on him. “I bet you’re exhausted from hearing all that hot air, aren’t you, sweet boy?”
I stack the pillows on Beau’s bed the way I like them and get comfortable.
I know it was only a few hours but I’m never away from him for this long. I didn’t like it. “Mommy didn’t have fun while you were at the park today.”
“Mommy didn’t have fun?” Beau’s standing in the doorway.
“Eavesdropper.”
Beau comes in and stretches out on the bed next to Clark and me. Even after three months, he still likes being with us during his feedings. “Where did you go while we were out?”
He needs to know my engagement with Preston is off. But not this way. We should be alone for that discussion. I have big plans for what I hope happens afterward. “I went home because there was something important to take care of.”
“Right.” He sounds pissed off, or hurt, and I can guess why. He thinks I went home to have alone time with Preston. And I did, just not for the reason he thinks.
“We need to talk.”
He props his head in his hand. “I’m listening.”
I wish we could have this conversation right this second. I’m anxious to tell him. “Not now. And definitely not with Daphne here. I need your undivided attention.”
“Sounds serious.” That’s the second time I’ve heard that tonight.
“It’s very important.”
I see fear grow in his eyes. I don’t want that. “Have you changed your mind about our custody agreement?”
I have. I want Beau to be a full-time father to our son. “This isn’t a conversation to have now.”
“Then when?”
“Can you come over tomorrow night?”
“I can if I don’t have a heart attack between now and then, worrying you’re going to take my son from me.”
I need to put Beau’s worries to rest. “I’m not taking Clark from you. If anything, I want you to see him more.”
Beau’s face and posture relax. “You don’t know how happy that makes me. Two days a week isn’t near enough time with him. I feel like I miss everything.”
“Beau!” I cringe at the sound of her voice coming from the living room.
“She doesn’t sound too keen on you being back here with me while my spectacular breasts are on display.”
He looks at Clark nursing. “God, they are splendid.”
He gets up to leave. “What I wouldn’t give to touch them again.” There it is. The glimpse of hope that he hasn’t moved on from me to her.
“Beau?”
He stops and turns back to me. “Yeah?”
I’m dying to tell him not to sleep with her tonight after I’m gone. But what right do I have? “Nothing.”
“You don’t get to tease me like that. What is it?” He’s grinning. I think he knows he’s tormenting me by having her here. And he’s loving it.
Damn bastard, whom I love.
I shake my head, saying nothing.
“I want to know what’s on your mind.”
I’m going for it. If he tells me to fuck off, then he does. “Don’t sleep with Daphne tonight.” Or ever.
His face beams. “Never intended on it.”
Chapter 19
Anna James Bennett
“I have a huge favor to ask you.”
“You know I’ll do anything for my best friend.” She says that now. Let’s see how she feels tomorrow morning.
I hate asking Meredith to do this. It could possibly be the worst night of her life. “I need you to keep Clark.”
“That’s not a huge favor.” She claps her hands together like a happy child. “And I’d love to.”
She hasn’t heard the rest. “Overnight.”
My son has never been away from me for more than a few hours so I have no idea how he’ll react to being separated from me for a full night. “It might not go well, Mere. You might want to kill me and then run to get your tubes tied.”
“What are you talking about? Clark loves Grayson and me. He’s used to being around us so he’ll be fine.” True. He has spent a lot of time with Mere and G but I’ve always been around, too.
An overnight stay means Clark will have to take a bottle tonight and in the morning. It’s still new, and he’s not entirely crazy about them, so it could go bad, fast.
“I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important.” My happiness is dependent on how this night goes.
“What’s going on that you need a whole night away?”
“I broke off my engagement with Preston.” She doesn’t seem the least bit surprised.
“Finally came to your senses.” Meredith and Grayson liked Preston fine but they knew he wasn’t the one. Beau is.
“Beau doesn’t know yet. I asked him to come over tonight so we could talk.” Just saying those words aloud gets me excited.
“Don’t you mean so you can fuck his brains out?” Such a Meredith c
omment.
“Well, that, too, after I tell him.” It’s ridiculous how much I’m looking forward to doing that.
“Do you have something special to wear?” It’s just like her to be thinking about that.
“I wasn’t planning on wearing anything.”
“As much as he might like it, going to the door naked will be a dead giveaway. You gotta make him sweat for a minute.”
I’m pretty sure he’s been sweating it out since last night, considering he has no idea why I’ve asked him over. Or maybe he does since I told him to keep it in his britches last night.
“What about one of the lingerie sets he bought you in Jamaica? Do you still have them? That would be a sexy walk down memory lane.”
They’re packed away in a box I never open. “I have all three. Two have never been worn.”
“You need to change that. Tonight.”
He chose them so they must be the style he likes. “I think I’ll wear the champagne one with rhinestones.” It’s super sexy.
“With matching, sparkly fuck-me pumps. You have to.”
I can’t argue with her on that. “Done.”
* * *
I’m showered, shaved, fluffed, and puffed. My hair and makeup is perfect. I’m wearing a charcoal wrap dress with the chosen lingerie beneath it. All I need now is Beau.
He’s late.
Thirty minutes. An hour. An hour and a half. His phone goes straight to voicemail each of the dozen times I’ve called over the last hour.
Beau wouldn’t be a no-show. He knows I was planning to discuss something important tonight. I don’t believe he’d stand me up. Was I too late? Is he really done?
Something is wrong.
My phone rings. It’s a number I don’t recognize but the voice on the other end is familiar. Beau’s sister. “Anna James. It’s Caroline.”
I immediately know something has happened. “What’s wrong?”
“Beau’s been in an accident. He’s asking for you.”
My heart takes off in flight, pounding in my chest, my ears, throbbing in my hands. “Is he okay?”