“Fixie, it happened,” he says, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. “It happened. That’s all you can say about it.”
“I suppose,” I say after a pause. “But, oh, Seb…”
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’ve moved on, I’m at peace with it, I appreciate what I have….Sorry,” he adds, as though noticing for the first time where his hand is.
“No, that’s OK,” I say, my voice a little husky. I blink away my tears, determined to get a grip. If Seb can be so positive about it, then I should be too.
I squeeze his hand back, and he looks at me with a kind of cryptic, quizzical expression, and with a sudden lurch I realize where we are in the evening. We’ve talked. We’ve shared a bottle of wine. We’re holding hands.
“So, I was thinking,” I say, my gaze fixed on a distant point. “Shall I…uh…see you back home? You know, with your ankle and everything. You might need a hand up the…uh…steps. If you have steps. Do you have steps?”
My nervous gabble comes to an end and I wait breathlessly for his reply.
“I do have steps,” says Seb. “And that would be very kind of you.” His eyes meet mine, and something about his expression starts a pulse inside me.
“Right.” I try to sound casual. “Well.”
Seb gestures for the bill, then gives me another look, which makes my insides melt. “Shall we get out of here?”
We find a cab and Seb gives the address, and as the cab travels through the lit-up Christmassy London streets, neither of us says much. My breathing is shallow; my whole body feels taut. I’m super-aware of every move Seb makes but grateful he’s not one of those guys who lunges at you in the taxi. I want it to be private. I don’t want the driver watching in the mirror.
Seb lives in a 1930s-looking block in Islington, and as we get out of the taxi I can’t help laughing, because he was totally fibbing.
“There’s a ramp, look,” I point out. “As well as steps.”
“Ah yes.” Seb nods. “What I meant was, it would be very kind if you could help me up the ramp.”
He strides up the ramp—without my aid—and I follow him, giggling, and then we’re in the lift and rising up to the fourth floor, where he ushers me through a gray-painted front door.
“Here we are,” he says as the door closes behind us. “Home.”
He gestures around, and I’m vaguely aware of a pale wooden floor with white walls, but to be honest, his flat is the last thing I’m interested in. I put my arms around his neck, which is something I’ve been longing to do all evening, and close my eyes, inhaling him.
His shoulders are the right height. He smells good. He feels good. His lips brush against mine and I give a little whimper, because I really, really want this. Does he realize this? Does he realize it?
Yes, of course he does. (I may actually be a little drunk.)
As his mouth meets mine properly, warmly, I press up against him hard and he makes a deep, indistinct sound.
“Wait, your ankle,” I say, suddenly breaking away.
“What does my ankle have to do with it?” Seb looks confused.
“Dunno,” I admit, and I start to giggle. “Health and safety?”
“You’re delicious,” says Seb, drawing back to survey me. “And as you know, I still owe you big time. Big time.”
He kisses the side of my neck and I feel the light brush of his teeth. And the thought that we have all night ahead of us makes me dizzy with lust.
“So…this is you paying off what you owe?” I manage, my breath coming in short pants.
“This is me chipping away at it,” he says, slowly unbuttoning my shirt. “Little by little. I know it’ll take a while….Oh my God.” His eyes darken at the sight of my breasts. “How long will it take to work off my debt? Forever, I hope.”
“I’ll let you know when you’re there,” I murmur as his lips gently meet my collarbone. My head is thrown back in bliss and I never want this to end either. “I’ll let you know.”
* * *
—
The night is a blur of sex and sleep and sex again. Some time in the early hours of the morning, I find myself staring at him in the dim bedroom light, at the strong, lithe form of him. His back has a curve to it like the sweep of a boat. I steal out a hand to stroke it, wondering whether he’s awake, when he turns and his eyes glint at me.
“Do you sail?” I say, half sleepily.
“No. Used to row, though.”
“Huh.” I nod my head: That makes sense. Then I hear myself saying, “Do you believe in the one? Do you believe in fate?”
I’m not expecting him to take me seriously—in fact, almost at once I regret saying something so needy. Ryan would have said, “Totally, babe,” without even listening properly, but Seb is silent. He’s staring up at the ceiling. He seems to be thinking.
“The rational part of my brain,” he says at last, “understands that everything is random. There are a million possibilities in the universe. Us meeting is just one of those possibilities, and just as meaningless.”
He sounds so matter-of-fact, I feel my heart droop a little. But then he carries on, in the same tone:
“The thing is, though, I can’t imagine a world that didn’t bring us together. We were meant to be. Don’t you feel it? You were meant to walk into Café Allegro. The water molecules were meant to fall though the ceiling. It’s been event on event on event. Your parents bought a shop in Acton. Mine didn’t move to France.”
“Were they going to?” I say in surprise.
“They thought about it when I was eight. Imagine—I wouldn’t even have lived in this country. It’s all been coming toward this moment.” He rests his head on his hand to gaze at me, a shaft of moonlight falling on his cheekbone.
“This exact moment,” I echo, teasing him.
“This precise moment right here.”
“So this is pretty epic.” I gesture, rumpling the duvet with a smile. It seems quite mundane, for an epic moment.
Although, actually, what more-momentous instant is there in life than being in bed with the person you feel is right? Really, really right? As these thoughts pass through my head, I suddenly feel light-headed, almost scared. Because he is right for me. He is, he is.
“So…this is it?” I say lightly. “This is what it’s all been heading for? This is as good as it gets?”
“No. It’s only going to get better.” He pulls me toward him, his mouth gently finding the crease of my neck, his body warm and safe. “It’s only going to get better.”
Twenty
The light dazzles my eyelids and I feel a mouth softly kissing mine, and I find myself looking dazedly up at Seb’s face.
Seb…Oh my God…The whole thing rushes back into my disbelieving, joyful brain.
“Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t know what time you wanted to wake up….”
“Yes,” I say, rubbing my face. “No. I…Thank you. What time is it?”
“Eight.”
“Right.” I think for a moment, then find my phone in the tangle of clothes on the floor and text Greg to take charge of opening up.
“OK.” I flop back on the pillows. “I’m off the hook.”
“So am I,” admits Seb. “I’ve called into the office, told them I’ll be late. I didn’t want to rush away.” He sits on the bed and looks down at me. “Right now I don’t want to go anywhere.”
We’re silent for a while, just looking at each other. Memories of last night are flickering through my head and, I’m pretty sure, his too. As though reading my mind, he reaches for the coffee sleeve, which is lying discarded on the floor.
We scribbled a bit on that last night. It was a bit of a thing. It was fun.
“How’s my debt payment coming along?” he says, tracing his finger down the entries. “I can’t quite tell from this….”
<
br /> “Oh, you’re doing well.” I grin at him. “You did me a few favors, remember?”
“I think we were about even on that score.” His eyes widen as he reads the scrawled writing, and he looks up. “Miss Farr, you have a dirty mind.”
“You can talk!” I grab the coffee sleeve off him and feign shock as I read it. “This is X-rated.” I jab at his last entry. “And I don’t even know what that means….”
“I’ll illuminate.” His eyes gleam at me. “Later. Breakfast?”
As I follow him out of the bedroom, I glance around curiously. I didn’t get much of a look at his flat yesterday. There’s a big main reception room with a kitchen off it, where Seb is filling the kettle. It has wooden floors and some modern art on the walls and two low sofas, covered in gray felt. It’s impressive. It’s cool. Although, weirdly, it doesn’t seem very him.
It’s not as nice as his office, I realize. His office is full of books and ornaments and character. This is a bit sad-looking. A bit hotel-like. The only hint of character in the place is a massive stack of magazines piled against one wall. I mean, massive. In fact, it’s lots of stacks. They stretch nearly all the way along the wall, and are at least three feet high.
As I wander over to them, I realize that some of the magazines are still in their plastic—in fact, most of them are—and they’re all titles about music: Total Guitar. Vintage Rock. Country Music. Some are quite old, but the newest ones are from last week. Does he play the guitar? He never mentioned it.
“Cup of tea?” Seb says, bringing one out. “Or I can do coffee if you prefer?”
“Tea is great.” I smile back at him. “Thanks. Nice flat! Swanky!”
It suddenly occurs to me that he probably inherited some money or whatever when his mother died. Shit. It’s probably really tactless to say how nice his flat is.
“So…music!” I say, changing the subject. I gesture at the piles of magazines. “I had no idea.”
“Oh no.” Seb follows my gaze. “That’s not me. James was the music nut. My brother.”
“Right,” I say after a pause. “Of course.” I have no idea where to go next with this conversation, because my head is full of questions but I don’t want to ask any of them aloud. Why have you got so many magazines stacked up? Why are you still subscribing to magazines you’re not interested in? Isn’t this a bit…weird?
“I should cancel the subscriptions, I guess,” says Seb easily. “I’ll do it one of these days.”
“Right,” I say again, and his voice is so relaxed, I find myself relaxing too. It’s only a quirk of his. We all have quirks.
“I know you’re a professional chef,” says Seb, interrupting my thoughts, “so I hardly dare suggest this, but I could make you some pancakes, if you like. Or waffles?”
“Waffles?” I say, impressed. “Homemade waffles?”
“I like cooking. Although I might have to go and buy some ingredients—”
“Don’t buy anything,” I say firmly. “Let’s have whatever you’ve got. Toast. Or nothing. Just tea is fine.”
We make toast and take it back to bed, and breakfast turns into more sex and then lying in each other’s arms, neither of us speaking. And I want to stay here forever.
“I can’t,” I groan at last. “I can’t. I must go.”
“Same.” Seb sighs.
“And I’ll have to go home for some clothes,” I say, in sinking realization. “I must get up.”
I have a quick shower; then, while Seb’s in the bathroom, I get dressed and roam around his flat. I notice the good knives in the kitchen—he obviously really does like cooking—and look through his DVDs. Then I venture down the hall and come to another door. I can’t resist trying the handle, but it won’t open. It’s locked.
At once I feel guilty and intrusive for even trying to open it, and I hastily return to the living room. As Seb appears, his hair still damp, smelling of Molton Brown shower gel, I say casually, “So how big is the flat altogether?”
“It’s this, really,” says Seb, gesturing at the big room. “What you see.”
“Uh-huh.” I nod, but I can feel a tiny cord of tension in my chest. Why hasn’t he mentioned the other room?
And I know I should leave it, it’s none of my business…but I just can’t. I can’t leave things.
“Nice big living room for a one-bedroom flat,” I say conversationally. “It’s massive!”
“Oh, well, there is another room,” says Seb after a pause. “It was James’s.”
He flashes me a brief smile, and I wince in sympathy, because I’d already guessed. I suddenly remember that first conversation I heard in the coffee shop. Briony wanted to turn a room into a home gym, didn’t she? It must have been that room.
“It’s hard,” I say in a gentle voice. “I remember my mum clearing out my dad’s stuff.”
“Yes,” says Seb noncommittally, and his face closes up a little. And now I regret even bringing up the subject when everything’s so bright and perfect.
“Well…thank you,” I say, more lightheartedly. “Thank you for my hairbrush. Thank you for dinner. Thank you for…” I trail away, not needing to continue. He knows what I mean.
“Thank you.” Seb comes close and kisses my hair, playing with the strands, winding them round his fingers. “I always wanted to date an Olympic skater,” he adds. “You’re pretty sexy on the ice, did I mention that?”
“I shouldn’t have showed off,” I say, shaking my head. “I feel bad now. I was rude to Briony.”
“You feel bad?” says Seb incredulously. “Do not feel bad about her.” He swivels round so that we’re both facing a massive wall mirror, and he looks at my reflection, his eyes glinting, his chin resting on my head. “I don’t know who this girl is or how she came into my life,” he says, his voice deadpan, and I can’t help smiling.
“No idea.” I echo his tone. “It’s a mystery.”
There’s silence, and Seb’s expression becomes more serious.
“You are in my life?” he says.
“Yes,” I say, and my voice suddenly falters. “I hope so.”
“Well, me too.” He strokes my hair and his eyes crinkle at mine in the mirror. And right now his life is the only place I want to be.
Twenty-One
Days turn into a week, then two…and it seems as if I’ve always been in Seb’s life. I stay every night at his place, popping back now and then for another supply of clothes. I’m barely at home anymore. I’m barely conscious of the world. I’m intoxicated by Seb. By his body and his mind. His voice and his laugh. The touch of him in the morning; the sound of his breathing at night.
When I’m not with him, I’m yearning for him. Everything else has receded. All the problems I used to have seem a little blurry—nothing except Seb seems that important anymore.
I smile at customers who put items back in the wrong place. I laugh when Stacey arrives at work late. I find Greg’s idiosyncrasies funny. Why shouldn’t he show off his double-jointed thumbs to customers when they’re trying to pay? The world is a wonderful place. I skive off a little—not much, just the odd afternoon or morning—so I can meet Seb out of work, or cook for him, or lie in bed with him for a delicious half hour longer.
The more I get to know him, the better I like him. His thoughts are straightforward. His take on life is wry but optimistic. We’ve talked for hours, and I haven’t once winced or frowned or thought, He thinks what? So many guys seem great until you actually find out what’s inside their brain, whereupon you run for cover, panting, “Oh my God, lucky escape!” to yourself. But I’ve spent two weeks exploring Seb’s brain and I haven’t stumbled on any gnarly knots of anger or walls of arrogance. Nor has he told any tasteless jokes and expected me to fall about in hysterics.
The only trip wire—the only one—is his brother’s stuff. His brother’s room. Tha
t whole situation. A couple of times I’ve suggested helping him sort out the magazines and he’s batted me away. Once or twice I’ve mentioned James’s room in passing and he’s changed the subject.
Then one day, when he was out, I took the key—it’s on a hook in the kitchen; it’s not hidden away—and very quickly opened the door and peeped inside.
I think I’d imagined a neatly kept bedroom with a few pieces of memorabilia around the place. I hadn’t imagined what I saw: a shambolically untidy, dusty room, with a screensaver still alive on the computer screen and a wizened apple core on the desk and a recycling bin overflowing with empty water bottles and the duvet rumpled as though it hadn’t been touched since—
Then I realized the truth. It hasn’t been touched since.
I stood there for a while, very still, my head teeming with thoughts. Then I locked the door again and put the key back in the kitchen. I was remembering Seb’s resolutely calm, almost upbeat demeanor when he talked about his family. The words he said, almost like a mantra: “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’ve moved on, I’m at peace with it.”
At peace? With a dusty room that hasn’t been touched for two years and is locked away from view?
That evening I plucked up courage and ventured, “Seb, about your brother. You said you were at peace with…what happened.”
“I am,” he said, so convincingly that he would fool anyone. Except a girl who can’t leave things alone.
“Right. Great!” I hesitated, then forced myself to press on: “I mean, maybe one day you should clear up those magazines. And…will that room stay locked forever?”
For a few moments Seb was silent, turned away from me, but when at last he glanced over his shoulder it was with a sunny smile.
“I know. I’m going to do it. It’s not a big deal, really, just haven’t got round to it. So, more important, what are we going to have with this fish?”