We were just like the other men and women in love.
After our hug, we’d separated shyly, looking away and making excuses to walk and focus ahead rather than stand and stare at each other.
Elder sent Lance and Bill away, and our tingling connection hadn’t faded. It sparkled around us like stardust as night slowly draped Monte Carlo. Streetlights turned on, battling away the gloom and reminding people sunbaking was over, and it was now time to party with the moon.
People slowly gathered up deck chairs and sodden towels, hoisted up sandy clothes over soggy bathing suits, and tramped up the beach.
Hotels everywhere would be drenched in salt water and sprinkled with sand from returning tourists.
The more people left, the more aware of Elder I became until we were the only two people left with the soft slap of waves on the shore.
We stopped and faced each other, neither ready for tonight even though it was the only thing I could think about.
I was neither hungry nor energetic. Weary nor eager.
The electricity hissing between us exhausted me to the point where I didn’t know if I was ready to return to the hotel or not. If I was prepared or not. The last time Elder and I were alone, we fought. Would he fight me again over this? Did it make me a horrible person that I knew this would be hard for him, yet I didn’t give him a chance to change his mind?
Elder cleared his throat. “Did you hear me? I said it’s getting dark.” He rubbed his nape. “That was a hint that we should think about going back.”
I walked ahead a little before turning to face him reluctantly. I didn’t know what had changed in the thirty-one minutes since I’d given him the stolen dictionary. Why I’d traded certainty for unsureness and why the very idea of touching him made half of my body warm and melt and the other want to throw itself in the ocean and never stop swimming.
The gentle lap of waves was the only noise as Elder murmured, “We don’t have to do this again, Pim. If you’re not ready.”
I searched his tone for hidden messages. Was he not ready? Would he rather we didn’t have sex again?
You already know the answer to that, silly.
The balmy breeze snatched my hair, whipping it over my shoulder.
Elder came forward, capturing the wayward strands, his warm fingers kissing my neck before settling on my shoulder with a fistful of brown locks. “There is no right or wrong answer here. Forget about what we discussed this morning. If you’ve changed your mind, then we can return to the Phantom and go back to the way things were.” He swayed closer, whispering in my ear. “You’re the one with all the power.”
I shivered, wishing his lips would close the distance and kiss me.
He thought I was the one with all the power? Couldn’t he see that was a lie? I didn’t have the power. He did. He had every power.
Power of strength and wealth and security. Even standing tall and strict, holding my hair, not touching me in any other way, made him the master of everything because he didn’t use violence on me but let me choose.
That alone gave me all the confidence I needed.
I choose you.
I choose tonight.
“Let’s go back to the hotel.”
His eyes tightened. “Are you sure?” He looked toward the watery horizon where the Phantom glittered in the distance like an expensive jewel on the crown of a water god. “We could return home.”
Home…
He made it sound like he’d already given me half of that wonderful word. That I had a home. That I had permanency even when whatever we danced around hadn’t been named.
Letting me go, Elder rubbed his chin, weary and wary. “We can try another time. When you’re—”
I held up my hand. “When I’m what?”
His face shadowed with pockets of frustration. “When you’re more sure it’s me you need. That another night with me is—”
“It is you I need.”
“How can you be sure? After all, I was the man who stole you. I kept you away from everyone. I did exactly what he did and imprisoned you. If you have feelings for me, they’re because I put them there.” He stalked away, dragging tormented eyes from the horizon back to me. “I don’t want to be the man who—”
I followed him, clutching his forearm, needing to lean on him while he tried to pull away the foundation he’d built beneath my feet. “Are you saying you don’t want me? That you’re the one having second thoughts?”
“Jesus, Pim.” He groaned at the silver moon. “How many times do I need to tell you? Fucking you is all I can think about. It’s the only thing I can worry about. You want me? I’m yours. Hell, I’d take you right here on the beach if you asked me.”
I shuddered with the aching violence in his voice. I didn’t doubt him.
“Take me back to the hotel, Elder.”
He grabbed my cheeks, holding me tight, his fingers biting into me. I didn’t gasp or flinch. I let him tilt my head so he could search my eyes for something he needed. Something he must’ve found because a second later, he let me go and captured my hand.
Dragging me up the beach, he growled, “So be it.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
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Elder
I HAD NO appetite, yet I ordered room service.
I had no desire to rest, yet I commanded Pim to sit beside me while some shitty soap opera played on TV.
I had no thoughts apart from fucking her—even the Chinmoku threat didn’t compute—yet I did everything I could to forget what we were about to do and focus on everything else.
I leapt to my feet when our food arrived.
I over tipped.
I growled too loud when Pim complained she wasn’t hungry and couldn’t eat the rich lobster bisque.
I paced too fast when she refused to watch TV and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.
I stopped breathing as she bent and pressed the off button to silence the actress moaning about being stood up, and hushed the pictures of a simpler, less X-rated world.
Silence fell like a curtain around us, thick and soundproof, heavy and final like that on a theatre production after the final encore.
That was what my life boiled down to.
I was an actor who finally had to stop pretending. My life had been a performance, and now, the production was over, and I had nothing left. No lines to rehearse, no actions to perfect, no director to tell me how to behave.
This was all on me.
The entire outcome of tonight was on my shoulders and without cues from stage-hands or prompts from script-writers, I would fuck it up.
I just know it.
Pim linked her fingers together, coming toward me on bare, hesitant feet. The blue dress she’d worn today fluttered around her legs, making her seem like a virginal goddess dressed in clear cerulean sky.
The Japanese dictionary she’d stolen for me rested on the coffee table. Each time I glanced at it, my heart did a strange tumble-trip, making me fight overwhelming instincts to crush her close and kiss her.
She was the first person to give me something with thought behind it. To treat me like a lover and not a captor. In her presence, I was more accepted and cared for than I had been in years. The loneliness I was so used to was now a third wheel with her around.
I should meet her halfway.
I should join her on the carpet and make this easier for her—take away the nervousness of being the one to make the first move. I should sweep her off her feet and lay her on the bed and be gentle and kind and sweet.
But fuck me, I couldn’t.
The moment I touched her, it would all go to shit.
I knew that.
Already, my mind turned from sleek order into chaotic chaos. My disorder pulled on every trick and mechanism to stay sane and not start rearranging the pillows into odd numbers or run back to the Phantom to play a concerto precisely seventeen times until the strings became slippery with my blood.
I was fucking broke
n.
I hid the depth of that fact from everyone (including myself) through sheer determination.
But here was Pim asking me to throw away every tool I used and hope to fucking God I remembered how to find my way home.
I stumbled back a step as she forced herself to stand before me. The tips of her toes turned white from digging into the carpet.
She’s afraid.
She should be.
She shouldn’t be.
Fear.
An emotion no one should suffer when approaching a person they wanted to sleep with. Why was she doing this to herself and to me? Couldn’t she see I was moments away from losing it?
I’d forced myself on her that first time.
I’d already been inside her twice.
I couldn’t have a third.
I’d fucking snap.
But the memory of her this morning—of the spirit and fire and desire—I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t resist her, and that was the real reason for my ruin.
The reason I’d stolen her in the first place.
The reason I’d kept her when I should’ve sent her back to her mother.
If I’d done that, I wouldn’t be standing here about to shatter everything I knew. I wouldn’t be worried about her safety knowing war was coming for me. I wouldn’t be on the brink of destroying my way of life—my very world. To her, I was just a night or two—a man who could show her pleasure. She was using me to be free of her past.
I liked that.
I wanted to be the one she remembered for helping rather than hindering.
But to me? She was fucking everything.
She wasn’t just asking me to sleep with her. She was asking me to keep falling when I’d had no intention of ever tripping.
For my own sanity, I needed to stop this.
But how could I, knowing the life she’d lived?
How could I say no even knowing how empty I’d be the moment I told her about her mother and took her home?
“El…”
That nickname again…and just like I’d suspected, I didn’t mind it nearly as much when she used it.
“Pim.” I bit her name into fragments, my voice octaves lower than normal, borderline beast.
“Can…can I kiss you?” She looked up at me through eyelashes that didn’t need mascara or shadow to make her the prettiest, sexiest fucking creature I’d ever seen.
I balled my hands.
No.
Get away from me.
I nodded stiffly.
She came closer, but I didn’t bend for her to reach my mouth. I didn’t buckle when her hands landed on my chest in a questing plea for me to do the kissing, to take charge.
Christ, Pim…don’t you know what you’re asking of me?
The calamity just waiting to unfurl slammed into me.
Threes and itches and pandemonium.
I shot back, dragging both hands over my face. “I can’t do this.”
She froze, agony and rejection shawling her. “Oh…” Breath by breath, she shut down until no hopeful light remained in her eyes. I hated every second of it, but I meant what I said. I would stand by it once and for all.
I could have something once.
That was my rule.
My one strict and fast rule.
I’d already broken it and had her twice.
But there is another way…
I wished I hadn’t gone to the house on the hill. I wished I hadn’t found the blasphemous mess, or foreseen how this night would go. I wished I hadn’t brought something that would give me another chance at granting Pim what she wanted, while somehow tricking my mind into believing my laws hadn’t been broken.
Tearing my eyes from her, my heart seized for how I’d hurt her already. I glanced at the bamboo box condemning me on the bedside table.
Pim followed my attention, a question landing on her features. Before she could ask, I strode toward the box, unlocked it with the tiny key beside it, and pulled out the secrets inside.
Keeping them hidden behind my back, I moved toward her. “I’ll kiss you…under one condition.”
She wrapped her arms around herself, already preparing for the worst. “What condition?”
I wasn’t ready to show her. “We’ll have sex tonight…if you obey.”
Her lips pursed at the wording I’d chosen.
Not I’d fuck her or make love to her. We’d have sex. She would have to be an active participant. I wouldn’t be the one doing the taking like last time…because that one-time pass had been used.
However, there was a loop-hole in my law.
A crazy concept and not backed by rational response but would hopefully keep me sane.
“How do I have to obey?” She arched her neck, doing her best to see around me. “What are you hiding?”
It was now or never.
Bringing my arms forward, I revealed what I’d taken from my home.
The clink of chains and whisper of silk ropes cascaded from my palms. “This is my condition.”
Her mouth dropped open, terror springing bright and stark. She backpedalled so fast she tripped, landing on her ass. She didn’t make a sound even as she landed awkwardly, once again silent as the mouse I’d stolen.
Instinct made me dart toward her. I grabbed her with my hands full of bondage, hoisting her to her feet. “Are you hurt?”
“Don’t touch me!” She shoved me away, her face wild and white. “You—you want to tie me up? You want to hurt me? Like him?” Tears welled in her eyes, becoming a mirror where I saw myself, saw how unhinged I’d already become, how desperate for her to understand.
“No.” I shook my head. “Never.”
She didn’t hear me. “You want to strap me? Imprison me? What was this? A sick joke? All this time, you let me believe that you were different. That you weren’t going to hurt me—”
I was many things, but I wasn’t tolerant when it came to being called a liar or a sadist. “I am different. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Liar!” She darted to the door, her hands fumbling with the lock and chain she herself had put on once room service had left so we wouldn’t be disturbed. “I can’t believe I thought you were different.”
“Pim…”
The chain fell away. The heavy lock clicking open under her terrified fingers. “No! Get away from me!”
Clutching the ropes, I stormed after her. “Pim. Listen to me.”
“No! Let me out of here.” She bolted out the door, barefoot and manic. No guards stood outside to witness our dispute. No Selix to yank Pim away from me because he would see the fucking mess I was in already. He wouldn’t let her ruin me further.
It was just us.
Just me to fix this.
I chased her to the threshold but stopped, bracing myself against the door as she ran down the corridor. “It’s for me.”
She didn’t hear, too intent on escape and the elevators.
I hated her for making me shout, but I did because if I never saw her again, I didn’t want her cataloguing me as yet another monster from her past. “It’s for me, Pim.”
Her feet slammed to a stop, twirling her around with untamed hair and blotchy-terror filled skin. “Wh-what?”
I sighed, hating her all the more. “I won’t do this unless you restrain me.”
She dashed at tears sticking to her cheeks. “I-I don’t understand.”
My fingernails dug into the doorjamb as if I could shred it into pieces. She wouldn’t understand because she hadn’t fully comprehended the man she lived with. The man she’d given her trust to.
I deserved her trust, even if many people would disagree. And I wouldn’t ruin that trust by proving I was a liar.
“I fucked you last time. I took from you.” I hung my head, drained beyond belief, and we hadn’t even kissed yet. “I can’t do that again.”
She took a step toward me. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying if you want this, you have to take from me.”<
br />
When she didn’t move, I added, “It’s the only way I’ll do this, Pim. Tie me up, use me however you want. Find your pleasure through whatever means necessary. I’ll be with you every step. I’ll talk to you. I’ll command you. But I won’t physically touch you.” I sighed. “And once we’re through, that’s it. No more. I’m not messing around. I’m not making up stupid rules for the sake of making this harder than it already is. It’s this way or no way. Your call.”
Backing into the room, I pushed the door wider in welcome. “Fuck me or don’t, little mouse. But understand that there can only ever be tonight. I won’t be responsible for what will happen if I break that vow.”
Ducking to grab a fallen piece of rope, I held it up, my skin already crawling and my cock already throbbing at the thought of her being utterly in control.
That was my loop-hole.
Last time, I’d been in control.
This time, she would be.
A single time in both dimensions.
A first time, not a repeat.
And then it would be done.
My free passes redeemed and no more to use.
I’d made the mistake of believing I could control myself around my family, around the hobbies I’d loved and the crime I fell into.
Each time, I’d been wrong.
Each time, I’d fucked up.
I’d finally learned my lesson, and I wouldn’t let it happen again.
I’d fallen into my obsession too deep, too fast, and I’d been the reason my father and brother were killed.
I wouldn't be the reason for any more death or hurting.
Tonight was the only night Pim and I could be together. And then, once she’d claimed her body and used me however she pleased, I would tell her about her mother.
I would sail her to England.
I would set Phantom on a course and travel far, far away from her.
I would hunt the Chinmoku and forget about this entire fucking disaster.
For her sake.
And for mine.
Giving her a sad smile, I beckoned her to come back to me. Begged her. Promised her. “Your choice, Pim. Yes or no.”
Chapter Thirty
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