Alex fought to control the rage that swarmed his senses at Jamie’s words. Meg was his. Every muscle in his body rejected the proposal, even as his mind realized that Jamie was right.
Jamie observed Alex’s reaction but stood his ground. “Meg doesn’t deserve to be put in danger,” he continued. “If you are up to anything untoward, you will not involve her. You have to know that such a marriage would be the worst possible situation for her clan, and therefore for her. Unless you are willing to give up whatever you have planned?”
Alex didn’t like hearing his own concerns bandied back at him by Jamie. He was honor bound to do two contradictory things: marry Meg and fight the king’s injustice on the Isle of Lewis. His eyes narrowed as he studied his foe with part suspicion and part dread. Intuitively, it seemed, Jamie understood his conflict and was using Alex’s conscience against him. Jamie knew that Alex would not endanger Meg unnecessarily, not when she could still come away unscathed. He pictured her face as she’d left his room. Well, relatively unscathed.
He clenched his jaw, biting back the refusal he desperately wanted to shout. But he couldn’t, because Jamie was right. Damn him straight to hell. “After what you just saw, you know I am honor bound to marry her,” Alex said. “I will not withdraw my proposal. It is her decision.”
She thought herself in love with him. Alex knew Meg. If he confided his plans to her, she would make him into a damn hero and ignore the danger to herself. Part of him wanted to do just that, tell her the truth, placing the weight of the decision on her. She could have the facts and decide for herself, giving her a choice that he was fairly certain would result in his favor.
Could he marry her knowing that he would put her in danger when there was another alternative? A safe alternative?
Selfishly, he wanted to hold on to her now that he had her. But he knew he wasn’t the best man for her.
Damn Jamie Campbell and his blasted proposal.
Alex would have to drive her away and give her no choice but to break the engagement. But it would have to look bad, giving her no choice but to turn to Jamie.
If there was a way to keep her from danger and stop her from making a mistake by marrying him, he would find one. No matter what the cost to himself.
Chapter 17
Alex need not have worried how he was going to convince Meg to break their engagement. The means to do so came to him.
And not a minute too soon. In a matter of hours, Alex’s men would meet just outside the city gates to begin their journey to the Isle of Lewis. But he couldn’t leave without resolving things with Meg—one way or another. He’d just finished breaking his fast and was considering seeking advice from his brother when the Marquess of Huntly approached him.
“Have you given any consideration to my offer?” Huntly asked.
Distracted, Alex had to think a moment before he realized what Huntly was talking about. Ah yes, Huntly had thought to hire him as a mercenary. As the need for Alex’s pretense would be over when he left, the words were in his mouth to politely turn down Huntly’s offer. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Meg standing near the door. She must have paused just outside the door to the dining room when she saw whom Alex was speaking to. Alex pretended not to see her.
His mind worked quickly. This was it. This was his opportunity. He felt a sharp pang of regret for what he was about to do. Thanks to Huntly, Alex was effectively taking the decision away from Meg. Huntly had unwittingly given him the golden opportunity to strike her where she was most vulnerable—her brother.
“A bit,” Alex answered. “What exactly are you proposing?”
“I’m not sure whether it would appeal to you. I am not at liberty to discuss the details, but I can say this: It might require fighting against other Highlanders.”
Alex shrugged indifferently. But he was even more certain that Huntly was talking about fighting for the Fife Adventurers. The irony wasn’t lost on him.
“Perhaps even against your brother,” Huntly warned.
Was she close enough? Not taking any chances, Alex raised his voice. “No doubt you’ve heard that my brother and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things. For the proper consideration, I might be amenable.” He lingered on the word consideration. He dared not look at Meg to see if she was listening.
“You will be well paid,” Huntly said. “A sword arm like yours would be highly valued for what we have in mind.”
“Of course. But that is not the only consideration I was referring to.” He paused at what he was about to do. Forgive me. “It seems I’ve recently come into some lands. Some considerable lands.”
He heard a faint sound. The muffled sharp intake of breath. She was listening all right. His chest tightened as he realized the pain he must be causing her. Not yet engaged for a full day and he was already making claims on her land. But he was doing the right thing. The best thing for Meg. It was that knowledge that propelled him on, though each word he spoke pushed the dirk a little deeper in his chest.
Huntly looked surprised. “Oh?”
“Yes, Mistress Mackinnon has agreed to become my wife. As I’m sure you are no doubt aware, the situation is ripe with opportunity.”
Huntly smiled. “So I was right. You did have designs on the lass.”
Alex feigned a “you caught me” look. “She is tempting,” he pointed out.
“Yes,” Huntly agreed. “A very tempting morsel to an ambitious man like yourself. With the right support, you could be chief.”
Alex paused, uttering the word that would seal his fate, driving Meg away forever and sending her right to Jamie. He tensed, his body fighting against it. He wished there were another way.
“Exactly,” he lied. Meg was tempting, but for none of those reasons. But she would never marry him now. Not thinking that he meant to usurp her brother’s position.
“And the consideration you refer to?”
“If necessary, when the time comes, a good word with the king.”
Huntly gazed at him thoughtfully. “I will see what I can do. We are agreed, then?”
Hearing the gentle swish of skirts moving away from the door, Alex ventured a quick glance to see that Meg had left. He stood up. “I will think on it.”
Huntly looked mildly surprised that Alex had not accepted right there, but he nodded as Alex walked out the door. His legs moved with the forced stride of a man going to his execution. He still had one thing left to do before he departed. It was time to talk to Meg. Or, he supposed more accurately, allow her to talk to him.
Meg had started the day with no more clarity of mind than she’d gone to bed with. She loved Alex and was convinced that he was the right man for her clan. Even knowing that he did not want to marry her, she couldn’t disappoint her father and fail her clan by breaking the engagement simply because of her pride. There was too much at stake.
He cared for her, she knew he did. Surely he would come around…eventually?
With that thought in mind, she’d gone to break her fast, hoping to find him.
If only she hadn’t.
She’d thought it odd to see him talking with Lord Huntly again. Not wanting to interrupt, she’d hung back, intending to wait until they were finished with their conversation.
Their voices carried right to her, as if set on a course straight for her ears. She’d been shocked to hear Lord Huntly’s proposition to hire Alex and even more shocked by Alex’s response. She must have misunderstood. Alex wouldn’t fight against Highlanders—against his own brother—would he? The very idea was repugnant. Meg might take a pragmatic view of the problems facing the Highlands, but she would never condone taking a sword against her own people. But it wasn’t the first time she’d questioned his loyalty. She recalled how she’d found him playing cards with a group of the king’s men not long after he’d arrived.
What did she really know of his activities? She’d attributed a higher purpose to his fighting with the MacGregors. But what if there wasn’t one? Her heart started t
o pound.
Pounding that turned into a full-fledged hammer with what she heard next.
“I’ve recently come into some lands.”
It didn’t sound like him. This opportunistic stranger couldn’t be Alex. There had to be some mistake. But it was the same golden head, the same strong, handsome features, and the same sensual mouth that had kissed her with such passion last night. She felt a moment of panic, waiting for what might come next.
“Ripe with opportunity,” he said. She held the significance of a piece of fruit.
“…you could be chief,” said Lord Huntly.
And the response that had cut her to the quick: “Ex
actly.”
No. She bent forward, clutching her middle as if the blow had been physical. She didn’t want to believe it. Would never have believed it if she hadn’t heard it for herself.
He might not want to marry her, but that didn’t stop him from turning the situation to his advantage. He intended to challenge her brother’s authority. The worst part was that he would undoubtedly make a fine chief. But not like this. Not by betraying her and ousting her brother.
Like Ewen Mackinnon before him, the boy who’d so cruelly destroyed her girlish dreams, Alex was just another man who wanted to use her for his ambition.
This didn’t make sense. After what they’d shared? In his arms, she’d felt loved and cherished. He’d made love to her with such tender consideration. Was it all an act?
She’d thought…
A soft cry strangled in her throat. Oh God, she was a fool. A blind, lovesick fool. She’d thought he cared about her.
She’d been wrong. About everything. She’d put her trust in the wrong man. To think she’d worried that he was too much of a warmonger, without the necessary political acumen to negotiate with the king’s men. He was wily enough all right—just not the way she’d intended.
He’d failed her.
No, that wasn’t true. She’d failed herself. For she had no one to blame for this disaster but herself.
Meg was ruined, with no hope of finding a husband to help defend Dunakin. She’d failed miserably in the task she’d been given, and she would never forgive herself. She’d let her father down when he had trusted her where other men would not. What would happen to her brother? To her clan? How could she have been so selfish?
You are a smart lass, my Meggie. I don’t know what I would do without you. Her father’s voice echoed in her ears. Her heart wrenched to think of his disappointment. Smart, perhaps. But not smart enough.
She’d been duped. She’d known she was thinking with her heart and not her head, but she hadn’t been able to stop. The signs were there, she’d just chosen to ignore them. So badly had she wanted him to be the right man. Meg had been deceived by a handsome face just like thousands of women before her.
And now she would suffer the pain of disappointment. Of letting down those she loved.
She’d risked everything for love. And lost.
It wasn’t supposed to hurt this much, was it? The tight burning in her chest that constricted around her heart. She’d been disappointed before. It should be easier to weather the second time around. She’d been here before.
But she hadn’t. Nothing could have prepared her for the anguish of Alex’s betrayal. For the burning pain that seemed to consume her.
Breathe.
She wanted nothing more than to crumple into a puddle on the floor. To put her head in her hands and give way to the maelstrom of tears wailing inside. But somehow she found the strength to keep standing. It was a strength born of disappointment. She knew what she had to do.
Her back felt unnaturally stiff as she moved back from the dining room, her hands clenched in the cool silk of her skirts. She felt brittle, as if she could shatter into a thousand pieces with the slightest touch. She thought about retiring to her chamber or retracing her way back to Alex’s room to wait, but she knew she had to do this now or she might not be able to do it at all. She entered a small antechamber not far from the dining room. They would have a measure of privacy, but the public nature of the room would keep her from falling apart. She’d already made a fool of herself.
She stood near the large stone fireplace, too anxious to sit, where she could see the steady stream of courtiers make their way from the dining room. She didn’t have to wait long.
“My laird,” she called to him as he passed by the open door.
At the sound of her voice, his head turned. Their eyes met, and the sharp pain that had just begun to dull knifed through her again, cutting off her breath. How could such beauty hide such treachery? The face that had first attracted her had grown more impossibly handsome as she’d grown to love him. Now with the mask lifted, she should see ugliness. But all she could see was the man who’d made love to her and looked at her as if she were the most beautiful, important person in the world.
Her pain was so palpable, she wondered if he could feel it.
“Meg,” he said, taking a few steps into the room. “What are you doing here?”
She couldn’t do this. Despair rose inside her, threatening to erupt.
No. She shook off the hurt. He would never know how hard his betrayal had hit. She’d never told him of Ewen.
Lifting her chin, she looked him straight in the eye. “I wished to speak with you.” She waited for him to come closer. “Your noble sacrifice will not be necessary,” she said with a hard edge to her voice that was surely not her own.
He’d caught the sarcasm. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“Don’t you?” She arched a brow. “You see, I’ve reconsidered. I’m afraid I responded to your proposal too quickly last night. The answer is no. No, I will not marry you,” she repeated more firmly.
If she’d surprised him, he did not show it. But that was Alex, an impenetrable wall of granite. A warrior. A man who needed no one, least of all her.
His eyes bit into her with a hard blue intensity. “May I ask why? You’ll perhaps understand my confusion after last night.”
Her cheeks heated. “I’ve decided we would not suit after all.”
He stood looking at her, as if waiting for her to say more. Finally he asked, “You will not reconsider?”
She wanted him to argue with her. To tell her she was wrong. To tell her all those reasons why they should be married. Her chest squeezed. To tell her that he loved her. But he accepted her decision with heartbreaking stoicism.
She shook her head. “No,” she said softly, trying to mask the emotion shaking in her voice. Tears burned at the back of her throat. She couldn’t hold on much longer.
He seemed to sense it and moved toward the open door. He glanced back at her one time, holding her gaze for only a second. For a minute, she thought she saw a flash of regret. Of pain so raw that it mirrored her own. “Good-bye, Meg. I—” He stopped. “Good-bye.”
And then he was gone, leaving Meg feeling emptier and more alone than she ever had in her life.
Irony. Delicious at times, bitter at others. For Alex, this moment fit squarely within the latter. Just as he’d succeeded in driving her away forever, he realized just how deeply he loved her. At the very instant he’d destroyed any chance of a future with Meg, he finally, ironically, put a name to the feelings that had eluded him for so long.
Unfortunately, it had taken her broken heart to knock the truth out of him.
The truth hit him squarely in the chest as he watched her face him with that vulnerable pride and strength that had always drawn him. His own feelings became painfully obvious when each anguished emotion that crossed her face was mirrored—no, exceeded—by the agony he suffered inside.
Her eyes impaled him, her heartbreak written plainly across her delicate features, silently begging him to explain that which could not be explained. Ignoring that silent plea, refusing her comfort, was pure torture.
His poisoned arrow had struck her in her most vulnerable, protected spot: her heart. He knew how closely guarded she kept
her emotions, hidden behind her confident, intelligent façade. She’d allowed herself to open up to him, trusted him, and shared the precious gift of her innocence, only to have her heart trampled.
He’d never meant to hurt her. The grief and desolation that haunted her face as he’d left the room fell like a cat-o’-nine-tails lashed across his shoulders. It took every ounce of his resolve not to go to her.
Although the realization of his love came suddenly, Alex knew that it had been there, staring him in the face, for some time. Perhaps from the first; even then he’d sensed something different about Meg.
But now he’d had a chance to explore the depths of that initial attraction. He loved her strange combination of serious and naïve, her no-nonsense efficiency, her practical approach to problems. She exuded confidence and capability effortlessly. He loved her compassion, her wry humor, her dedication to her friends and family. In truth, he loved everything about her.
Alex was in love with Meg Mackinnon and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. His sudden epiphany, while personally painful, did not change anything. He would still sail for Lewis, would still fight the Fife Adventurers, would still put her life in danger if he involved her in his plans.
She would still be better off with Jamie.
Even if he could somehow repair the disaster that she’d just witnessed, it would not change their separate future. Letting her go, putting her happiness above his, was the most selfless thing he’d ever done.
He loved her, and she might even love him. But it wasn’t enough. If they were two people alone in the world, with nothing or no one else to consider, he would find her right now and beg her to forgive him for his lies, making love to her until she forgot everything else.
But they weren’t.
They each had people counting on them, depending on them. The only right, honorable thing for him to do was let her find her separate peace, fulfill her separate destiny. As he would fulfill his on Lewis.
Alex sighed, his breath pained. Anguish constricted his chest.