by Jill Shalvis
She understood that.
“You’ve got this,” Becca said in her ear, reminding Olivia she wasn’t as alone as she’d thought.
“Thanks,” she whispered to her wingman, and strode straight up to the guys.
Sam looked surprised as hell.
Not Cole. He met her gaze slowly, giving nothing away.
“You were right,” she said. “I was keeping secrets, but it wasn’t just you. I was keeping secrets from everyone. See, the very nature of a secret is that you don’t want it revealed. And that gives it power over you. Terrible power.”
“Everyone has secrets,” he said. “I get that. I’m not angry at that. I’m angry that I trusted you with mine; I opened up and gave you a part of me. I told you about my failures, and you withheld yours.”
“You loved someone,” she said. “It didn’t work out. There’s no failure or shame in that. But you have to understand, my whole life was a failure. You try dealing with that, Cole. For years I was successful, until I wasn’t, and it felt like the world watched me fail. Everyone knew me as Sharlyn, the loser child star.”
“Not me,” he said. “I knew you as…you.” He paused. “So what was real?” he asked. “Any of it? Or was it all a fiction you created?”
“We all create a fiction,” she said, aware that the whole damn place had gone quiet, but she couldn’t pay attention to that without losing her nerve. “But it was all real for me,” she said, and oh, God, how his look of disbelief hurt. “Yes, I should’ve told you who I was. I know that. But the truth is, I’m ashamed of Sharlyn Peterson, a spoiled child star who ended her career with a public meltdown. I’m not ashamed of Olivia Bentley, a hardworking woman who just wanted to be herself and live her life.” Just saying it out loud made her mad, and maybe it was unreasonable since she’d brought this whole thing on herself, but she found she was revving up to a good temper.
Cole opened his mouth, and she pointed at him. “I’m not done. You asked me why I ended up here in Lucky Harbor. My on-set tutor was from here. Mrs. Henderson.”
“Oh!” Lucille stood up on her chair and waved her arm to catch their attention. “A wonderful woman, and a dear friend. You were lucky to have her, honey.”
“I was,” Olivia agreed, not taking her eyes off Cole. “Lucky Harbor was her favorite subject. She told me all about it: the gorgeous Olympic Mountains, the pier, the Ferris wheel, the arcade, the people…especially the people, how you all loved each other, looked out for each other, always. Living here became a fantasy of mine,” she admitted softly. “One that got me through some pretty hard times.”
Cole started to stand up, and she pointed at him again. “Don’t,” she said. “I’m not done. You’re the guy who’s known for fixing whatever’s broken, and I admire that skill. I was just trying to do the same—to myself. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone in the process. I’m sorry about that, so sorry. And I get that regrets are a dime a dozen, and hindsight’s twenty-twenty, but I can’t undo it, Cole. And if I’m being honest, I should tell you…I’m not even sure I would if I could. Because when I first arrived, I promised myself a clean start. At first, I thought of it as creating a person, a character to play, because that was all I knew how to do. But you know what? This person I made up?” She pressed a hand to her chest. “She’s actually me. The real me. So you either like that person, or you don’t. I’m never going to be Sharlyn again, not even for you, Cole.”
And with that, she turned on her heel and headed out.
The next day matched Cole’s mood. According to his phone, Lucky Harbor was on storm watch, expecting the storm of the year later that night.
He pulled on his running gear and hit the pavement for a long, punishing run through town, past the pier, the diner, the bar, the firehouse…the art gallery.
Lucille was out front, struggling with a string of lights that she was trying to remove from her mailbox.
“You’re going to pretend not to see me, aren’t you?” she said, her voice easily carrying on the damp, salty air.
“Thinking about it,” he admitted.
She smiled. She was wearing bright red lipstick and a neon yellow tracksuit that said PINK across her sunken-in chest. She was barely taller than the mailbox and she was going to kill herself unstringing those lights. “Want to bring them in before the storm hits,” she said.
Shit.
He stopped.
“Aw, you’re a sweet boy,” she said, and had to reach up to pat him on the shoulder. “A little slow, but sweet.”
He narrowed his eyes at her.
“The sweet part’s a compliment,” she said innocently.
“Uh-huh.”
“In fact, maybe you’re sweet enough to help some of my friends, who’d love to have their chores handled by Captain Hottie as well?” She took in his expression and grimaced. “I don’t have that much power, huh?”
“God doesn’t have that much power,” he said.
“Hey, it was worth a shot. Listen, honey, I don’t mean to pry, but—” She broke off when he snorted, and she smiled. “Okay, so I do mean to pry, and we all know it. But about you and Olivia—”
His smile faded. “I’m not going to discuss it,” he said. “She had her reasons for what she did to me.”
“Actually, I wanted to discuss what you did to her.”
He blinked. “Excuse me?”
“Well, you didn’t listen very well when she tried to talk to you, and also, you let her put it all on the line and then you didn’t reel her in. And here I thought you were the fisherman.” She tsked.
“She lied to me.”
Lucille laughed. Laughed. And then she patted him on the arm as if to say You poor, stupid, penis-carrying idiot.
“Can I make a suggestion?” she asked.
“Could I stop you?”
She flashed another smile. “Why don’t you make use of the World Wide Web on the matter?”
“The World Wide Web.”
“Yes,” she said. “Or as you youngsters call it these days, the ‘Internet.’” She added air quotes.
And when he just stared at her, she sighed. “You know,” she said, “for research?”
“And what might I be researching?”
“Why, Olivia’s illustrious past, silly. The one that made you so upset.” She gave him a light smack on the chest. “Listen, I don’t want to be presumptuous, but you should consider taking some vitamins to keep your mind sharp. You’re losing your edge, boy.”
And with that sage advice, she gave him one last teacher-to-errant-pupil look and then turned and walked inside her gallery.
Leaving him standing there wondering, What the fuck? Shaking his head, he headed back to his place, where he showered and got into his truck.
He needed to get the hell out of the Twilight Zone.
He needed answers.
And he wasn’t going to find them on the “World Wide Web,” either.
Chapter 30
Cole headed south. It was four hours to Salem, Oregon, but that suited him just fine. He needed to think.
Halfway there, the weather turned to shit as promised. According to the insanely cheerful weatherman on the radio, Cole was heading directly into a nasty, temperamental weather system that was sporting for a fight.
That suited him, too.
Dark, tumultuous clouds were churning the sky as he parked outside the address he’d used Google Maps to find. He took in the house.
Susan’s house.
It was a small blue-and-white Craftsman-style. The yard was neat and trimmed, matching the rest of the street. There were oak trees lining the sidewalk and bikes and toys in the yards, with inexpensive cars that suggested a young but hardworking neighborhood.
There was lace hanging in the windows, a stroller on the front step, and a swing hanging from the tree in her yard.
Cole closed his eyes, let out a long, ragged breath, and thunked his head on the steering wheel a few times.
“Gonna knock something loose i
n there.”
Cole turned to the familiar female voice.
Susan, standing just outside his truck, gave him a small smile as he cursed. “Hey,” she said.
She looked the same, and the two years fell away. Willowy, serene, her pretty hazel eyes warm.
“You’re a surprise,” she said, and opened his truck door. She got a look at his expression. “Oh,” she said. “Were you planning on just sitting here and staring at my house, then?”
He gave her a rueful smile. “Actually, I hadn’t decided yet.”
“Fair enough.” She leaned against the truck and studied the sky.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Waiting for you to decide.”
“Shit.” He got out of the truck and leaned against it next to her. He could see that she was holding a baby monitor and he had to laugh. “I have no idea why I’m here.”
“I do.”
When he met her gaze, she gave him a small smile.
“Shit,” he said again. “Who called you, Tanner or Sam?”
“Both. They tracked you on your Find Your Friends app and figured out where you were headed.”
“Christ, it’s like they’ve joined Lucille’s geriatric gang,” he muttered.
She lifted the small monitor. “Listen, the baby’s still sleeping, but I’d really rather be inside where I can be closer. Coming with?”
“Yeah.” What the hell. He wanted answers, and she had them. “Sure.”
They sat in her small but cozy kitchen while she poured some coffee and he tried not to stare at the wedding ring blinding him from her finger.
She set a mug down in front of him, ruffled his hair like she always used to do, and sat across from him. She held out her hand with the ring and they both stared at it. “A year,” she said.
“I didn’t ask.”
“You wanted to,” she said. “The baby’s two months old.” She smiled with so much love it made his heart squeeze. “Sierra’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“So you’re happy,” he said.
“Very.” She paused, studying him. “And you want to know how I possibly can be.”
He blew out a breath. “I’m not judging.”
“Yes, you are. And that’s okay, I get it. I told you I loved you. And while I loved you I fell in love with another man.”
“My best friend.”
“Yes,” she said, voice even, only her eyes revealing a past pain. “And now, two years later, I’m in love again. When the real thing comes along, there’s nothing like it. And,” she said, “you don’t, or can’t, understand.”
“I don’t,” he said honestly. “I want to, but I don’t.”
“Some people have to learn how to love by going through it multiple times. That was me.” She paused. “And some people love so completely with their entire heart, every single time.”
He closed his eyes. “Me.”
“You,” she said softly. “Why are you here, Cole?”
“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “There’s a woman.”
She nodded. “And you…aren’t sure?”
No, he was sure. Or he had been. Now he had no clue.
Susan drew a breath and then spoke carefully. “I know you’re angry at me about my feelings for Gil. You’ve got a right to be. But Cole, don’t be angry at Sam and Tanner. It wasn’t their doing. And it wasn’t their place to tell you about it, either.”
“No, it was yours,” he said. “Yours and Gil’s.”
“Yes,” she agreed easily. “It was. And now I’m going to say something really important to you, so I need you to hear me.” She reached across the table and squeezed his fingers until he met her gaze. “And I need you to believe me.”
“Just say it.”
“At the funeral, when my feelings for Gil came out, you left. You left and you wouldn’t speak to me about any of it.”
“You broke up with me right then and there,” he reminded her. “While I was spinning and heartsick. Can you blame me?”
“Yes,” she said. “Because there were things you needed to know.” She drew a deep breath. “Gil and I—”
He closed his eyes. “Susan, don’t—”
“—never slept together.”
He opened his eyes. “What?”
“What was between us was never acted on, Cole. Gil didn’t want to be that guy,” she said quietly. “He refused to be that guy.” She hesitated. “I’m not saying that we were innocent, because we weren’t. After we realized our feelings, we tried to avoid each other for months, couldn’t even look at each other, but eventually we couldn’t do it anymore. It was wrong, it wasn’t planned, it wasn’t fun, and we never felt good about it. We fought it.”
“Out of guilt,” Cole said.
“Out of respect and love for you,” she said. “I’ve always hoped you would forgive me. But honestly, Cole? That’s your choice, not mine. And as it’s out of my control, I’ve let go of it.”
He had to be impressed by that, and how she’d gone on with her life. “I just don’t get it,” he said. “I can fix just about anything—except myself and my own relationships.”
“Not true,” she said. “You’ve got some of the best relationships of anyone I know. You’ve got Sam and Tanner, who would lay down their lives for you. Your sisters, who worship the ground you walk on. Your mom, who can and does depend so much on you. And last, but so definitely not least, Gil. I know you feel betrayed by him, and by, well, everyone else. But whatever your feelings are on how we handled things, Cole, please don’t let it ruin the relationship you and Gil had. Or what you and Sam and Tanner have.”
“But they knew,” he said. “They knew and didn’t tell me. I don’t know how to get past that.”
“Cole,” she said slowly, gently, “everyone knew. It wasn’t that hard to see. Everyone saw it except you.”
He stared at her. “That…can’t be true.”
She let out a long breath, and he saw it in her eyes. Well, damn. Olivia wasn’t the only one who could create a fiction all around her. Apparently he was good at it as well.
“I know there’s someone new,” she said. “And I know she wasn’t completely honest with you about her past.”
“Seriously,” he muttered. “Going to kill Tanner and Sam.”
“Just don’t judge her from my actions,” Susan said.
He shook his head. He wasn’t sure how to do anything but.
“What she did probably had nothing to do with you, Cole. Do you get what I’m saying? She probably didn’t mean to hurt you, but sometimes shit happens.”
“That’s it?” he asked in disbelief. “That’s your big piece of advice—shit happens?”
“We’re all different,” she said. “We’re not all good, or all bad for that matter. The world isn’t black or white; you know that. Everyone’s their own complicated puzzle, with a bunch of mismatched pieces. You put the pieces together the best you can and accept the flaws. Even learn to love the flaws.”
“Easier said than done,” he said.
“I know,” she said, smiling when he swore. “You can be a little…rigid and unbending once you get an idea in your head of what you expect from a person.”
“I always thought I was so easygoing.”
She laughed, which he didn’t give a lot of thought to as they said their good-byes and he made his way back to his truck.