Mom headed for the house. Granny’s expression soured. “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Carolyn . . .” She stepped around Dawn and went after her.
Papa looked worried now. “Maybe we did get a little ahead of ourselves.”
“Yeah,” Mitch said solemnly. “You did. But it’s too late now to take it back, isn’t it?”
Dreading the argument she knew was brewing, Dawn went to the kitchen. Granny stood with her hands gripping the back of a kitchen chair, making her case, while Mom stood, back to her, at the sink peeling potatoes. “I’m sorry if I’ve done something wrong.” Granny sounded exasperated, not sorry.
“Can I say something?” Dawn pleaded. The swelling fear of the last three weeks made her feel even more vulnerable when Granny and Mom were at odds. “I really, really want the car, Mom, but I won’t even ask to drive it until after I have my license and you and Mitch are both satisfied that I’m a safe driver.”
Mom turned slowly and studied her. “What about insurance and gas?”
“We’ll pay for her insurance and give her an allowance, since it seems you won’t.”
Spots of pink bloomed in Mom’s cheeks. “No, we won’t, and you won’t either.” She blinked as she said it, as though surprising herself. Granny’s lips parted.
Things were going from bad to worse, and Dawn knew she was in the middle of the battlefield. “I have some savings, Granny, and I can get a part-time job after school at Java Joe’s.” At Granny’s blank expression, she added, “It’s a coffee shop near the square.” She looked between them. “It’d be fun. It’d be good for me.”
“We’ll talk about it later, Dawn.” Mom turned her back to both of them and resumed peeling potatoes.
Granny pulled the chair out and wilted into it. “I should’ve asked first. I’m sorry, Dawn, but maybe . . .”
Mom put her hands on the sink. “Dawn can keep the car.” She sounded tired and defeated.
Dawn stood between the two women she loved most in the world and wanted to weep. Oma suddenly popped into her mind like a specter. “Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had tea?” Oma had said the same thing every day when she and Mom visited her in Merced. Mom turned toward her. Face crumpling, she muttered a soft excuse and left the kitchen.
“She hasn’t gotten over Oma yet.” Dawn spoke into the silence.
Granny’s shoulders drooped. “I don’t think she ever will.”
Mitch and Papa and Christopher carried the conversation through dinner. When Mom got up to clear the table, Mitch suggested they all go into the family room. Papa kept glancing at Granny, who sat silent and distracted. Mom called everyone into the kitchen. She had set out a sheet cake decorated with pink flowers and Happy 16th Birthday, May Flower Dawn written in white across the icing. “Chocolate!” Dawn forced a brightness into her voice that she didn’t feel. “My favorite.” She smiled at her mother and thanked her. She felt Mitch squeeze her shoulder.
Leaning down, he kissed her cheek the way Jason had the morning before Dawn changed everything between them. “You’re growing up, Dawn.”
Maybe more than he could even imagine.
She opened Christopher’s gift first and raised her brows at him. “A soccer ball? Are you sure this is for me?”
“You played really, really well.” He grinned impishly. “You can teach me.”
“Thanks, sport.” She ruffled his hair and gave him a hard hug.
Mom and Mitch gave her a pearl necklace and pearl stud earrings. “Pearls for innocence.” Dawn felt Mitch’s hand on her shoulder.
Her mother spoke from across the table. “They’re also a rite of passage into womanhood.”
Dawn couldn’t raise her head for fear of what they might see in her face. She wasn’t innocent anymore, and she didn’t feel like a woman either. She touched the luminous pearls and swallowed the tears gathering and almost choking her. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.”
She lay in bed that night crying softly, silently confessing her sin and pleading with God that no baby had been made. Startled, she heard a tap on the door, and Mom came in. She sat on the end of Dawn’s bed. “What’s wrong, Dawn? Are you upset because Jason didn’t remember your birthday?”
“I didn’t tell him.” She’d forgotten all about it. Her mind had been too filled with worries and fears to think about anything else.
“Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you? You haven’t been yourself for the last few weeks.”
“I’m okay.” One lie. “I just feel so stirred up all the time.” True. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Another lie. They didn’t come as easily after she’d just been begging God for mercy.
“I’m just worrying about the future.” That was true, at least. She wanted to bury her head in the pillow again and sob, but she couldn’t do that with her mother sitting so close. Dawn felt her mother’s hand through the blanket.
“You won’t turn eighteen for another two years. You have plenty of time to make decisions.”
Dawn gave a hoarse laugh. “I know.” She’d already made one. A bad one.
Her mother squeezed her foot. “You can talk to me, you know.” She waited a moment. “About anything.” She waited again. Minutes passed. She let out a soft sigh and got up. “Good night, May Flower Dawn.” She stood at the open doorway. “If you can’t talk to me, you know you can always go to Granny.” She closed the door quietly behind her.
After two more days of feverish prayers of repentance and promises of chastity and obedience, God answered her prayers.
Jason met her at the bus stop the next morning. His mouth curved in an uncertain smile. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is perfect!”
For the first time, Jason kissed her there in front of everyone. He took her hand as they walked into school together, both forgetting the door they had opened and the untamed beast that now prowled loose.
* * *
Mitch and Mom thought it would be a good idea if she got a part-time job. Java Joe’s manager, Dennis Bingley, didn’t even ask her to fill out an application, but hired her on the spot. “The boys will be lining up for coffee when they see you.” She worked Monday through Friday afternoons from three to five. Jason drove her downtown, bought one coffee, and stationed himself at one of the small tables tucked in a back corner, where he did homework until four thirty. Boys did line up, but she didn’t pay any attention. Whenever she cleared and cleaned a table, she’d stop by Jason’s. Mitch picked Dawn up on his way home.
After six weeks, and hours of practice driving with Mitch, Dawn felt ready to face the DMV test. She passed with flying colors and drove the Sable home. Mom told her over dinner that night she could drive the car to school. Dawn said she’d take turns with Sharon driving to youth group, but she wanted to continue riding the bus to school. That way, she’d save money for the next insurance premium as well as gas.
“And Jason will still give you a ride to work.” Mitch gave her a smirk that said she wasn’t fooling anyone. She conceded that was part of her reasoning.
The first Saturday after she gained driving privileges, she drove to the Windsor Trailer Park. The double-wide looked old, but well-tended, with potted flowers on a small deck with green- and white-striped awning and a pebble driveway, where Jason’s Honda was parked. Jason, dressed in sweatpants and a sleeveless T-shirt, opened the door before she even knocked. He came out barefoot and admired her car. An elderly lady opened her screen door just across the way. “A friend of yours, Jason?”
“Study partner,” he called back. “How are you doing this morning, Mrs. Edwards?”
“Can’t complain.” She sat in a rocker on her little porch.
Jason opened the front door, and Dawn entered a carpeted living room with a worn green plaid couch, two matching chairs, and a coffee table facing a small television on an old cabinet. Beige drapes and sheers let a shaft of light through the front window.
“It must feel claustrophobic to you,” Jason said grimly.
&n
bsp; “It’s cozy. Comfortable.”
A small Early American table with two chairs was cluttered with books, an open binder, and papers. “You’re studying.”
“Every spare minute.” He drew her into his arms. “I needed a break.” He kissed her. One gentle, tentative kiss led to another and another.
Breathless, she began to worry. “Where’s your mom?”
“Working. Until noon.”
“Maybe I should go.” When he didn’t let go, she wondered if she had said the words aloud or just thought them. He asked if she wanted to see his room. Of course, she did. Things quickly got out of hand, not that either tried to stop, not until someone rapped on the door. Jason pulled away and got off the bed. “It’s probably Mrs. Edwards.” Another rap sounded, louder this time. “If I don’t answer, she’s going to think something’s going on.”
Think something is going on? Dawn wanted to laugh hysterically. “Wait!” She ducked into the bathroom and leaned against the door. Adjusting her clothing, she raked fingers through her hair. She could hear Mrs. Edwards.
“I don’t think your mother would want a girl here when she’s not.”
Jason said they were just talking. “Then where is she? I don’t see her sitting on the sofa.”
Dawn flushed the toilet and ran the water noisily before stepping out of the bathroom. She pretended surprise. “Oh, hi.” Mrs. Edwards muttered something to Jason and went down the steps. “What’d she say?”
He gave a brief laugh. “She told me I’d better behave myself.”
Blushing, Dawn shrugged her purse onto her shoulder. Neither one of them had been doing a good job of that lately. “I’d better go.”
Jason walked her to her car. He said he wished she wouldn’t go. They stood and talked awhile. Mrs. Edwards sat in her rocker watching them. Jason asked if Dawn was planning to go on the mission trip to Mexico. She said she was and had already gotten the financial backing she needed from Mom and Mitch and her grandparents. “Plus I’m putting in some of my own money,” she added, proud of herself. “What about you?” He said he wasn’t sure yet, but he hoped so. Before Dawn got into her car, she waved at Mrs. Edwards and said it was nice meeting her.
The following Saturday, Dawn brought her backpack full of books, and they did study, for a little while. She left an hour before Georgia Steward was due home. The Saturday after that, they didn’t even bother to open a book.
38
The next Saturday, Georgia Steward’s white van with Georgia’s Housekeeping Services painted in red on the side was parked behind Jason’s white Honda. Disappointed, Dawn figured she and Jason would just have to study today. At least they’d be together. Grabbing her book bag, Dawn slid out of her Sable. Mrs. Edwards wasn’t sitting on the porch this morning, but movement in the front curtains told Dawn the old lady was still watching. Annoyed, Dawn went up the steps and tapped at the door, expecting Jason to answer. His mother opened the door. “Hello, Dawn.”
“Hi.” Dawn plastered a smile on her face despite the cool look on Georgia’s. “I’m here to study with Jason.”
“Come in.” Georgia opened the door all the way. The drapes had been pulled back, allowing sunlight to stream in. Jason’s bedroom door was wide-open. She had seen his car in the driveway. Where was he? “Have a seat.” Georgia closed the front door.
Dawn felt her body tense. She put her book bag down and took a seat at the table. “Where’s Jason?”
Georgia sat across from her and folded her hands. “He’s gone for the day.”
“Gone?” Dawn’s heart pounded in alarm. Why hadn’t he called her? She felt increasingly uncomfortable under his mother’s scrutiny.
“He and Pastor Daniel took a little fishing trip. He didn’t know he was going until early this morning.”
Dawn felt the urge to take flight. “I should go then.” She reached for her book bag.
“Not yet.” Georgia’s tone was firmer this time, colder.
Leaving the book bag on the floor, Dawn eased back into the seat, knees trembling beneath the table. “Is something wrong?”
Georgia’s expression turned to one of disdain. “You could say that, couldn’t you?” Her knuckles whitened. “I knew what was going on between the two of you when Jason came home from Jenner. He couldn’t look me in the eye. I watched him sweat for a month and thought maybe the two of you had learned your lesson. And then Mrs. Edwards told me yesterday that you’ve been coming over every Saturday . . . to study.”
“We do study.”
Georgia reached into her pocket and put a crumpled, empty condom wrapper on the table between them.
Dawn felt all the blood draining from her face. She met Georgia’s glare. “I love him. And he loves me.”
Georgia’s face flushed. Her brown eyes grew hotter. “You don’t know anything about love! You’re a spoiled, self-centered little girl who wants what she wants and wants it now.” She leaned forward. “Your love has single-handedly ruined most of Jason’s chances to escape this trailer park. His grades have dropped. He no longer has the qualifications to get into UC Berkeley—or get a full scholarship to Stanford. He spent most of his savings buying that car so he could take you out. He hardly reads his Bible anymore, and his relationship with God used to be the most important thing in his life!”
Dawn flinched as Georgia stood abruptly and stepped away from the table. After a moment, she continued in a taut, restrained tone. “If you get pregnant, Jason will do the right thing. But I’d like to give you a picture of what your lives will be like if that should happen.” She sat again, more in control, eyes like black ice.
“Jason will have to give up all his dreams of college. He’ll have to find a job to support you and your baby. And what sort of job will he find with only a high school diploma? Minimum wage. Of course, he won’t make enough working nine to five to pay rent on a place as grand as this.” Her eyes swept the room derisively. “So Jason, being Jason, will want to do better. He’ll get a second job, which won’t please you because you’ll never see him. He’ll be working all the time just to keep a roof over your head and food on the table for the three of you. And then there are the utilities and medical expenses. Of course, you’ll be lonely. You’ll carry the full responsibility of taking care of your baby: changing diapers, nursing, getting up at all hours of the night. You’ll be exhausted. You’ll feel overwhelmed. The baby will be your only company. After a while, you’ll get bored sitting around the trailer. When Jason finally does make it home, you’ll complain he’s never around. He’s no fun anymore. He doesn’t make you happy.”
Dawn started to cry.
“Tears don’t work with me, honey.”
“Why do you hate me so much?” Wrapping her arms around herself, Dawn fought for control.
“I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you. Why should I? You’re ruining my son’s life!” Georgia sounded distraught, close to tears. She released her breath slowly. “He’s in love with you. Anyone can see that. He’s so in love he can’t think straight. He won’t listen to a word of caution. You’ve stripped him of his dreams, taken his innocence, and now you’re on the road to destroying his potential.” She let out her breath in frustration.
Dawn couldn’t raise her head.
“Look at me, Dawn.” When she managed to raise her head, Georgia stared at her. “What I see in front of me is a very pretty sixteen-year-old girl with no character and no substance. You have nothing at all to offer Jason, and you’re too willfully stupid and selfish to see or even care about the damage you’re doing to him. That’s not love. Not by any stretch of the imagination. You think you can live with your romantic daydreams. Fairy tales always end with ‘happily ever after,’ don’t they? You don’t know how wrong you are.”
When Georgia didn’t say anything more, Dawn spoke in a small voice. “Can I go now?”
“Please do. And don’t you dare come into this house again, not unless I invite you.”
Dawn got up quickly and headed for
the door.
“One last thing.” Georgia still sat at the table, face turned away. “You’ll probably run straight to Jason and tell him everything I’ve said to you . . . or those parts that serve your purpose.” She looked at Dawn then, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “But remember this: Someday, Jason will grow up. And when he does, he’ll see the truth for himself.”
* * *
Dawn’s first instinct was to go to Granny and sob out her woe, but she quickly dismissed that idea. Dawn knew she could do no wrong in Granny’s eyes. Granny always took her side. If Granny knew she’d seduced Jason in the downstairs apartment, she’d be deeply hurt. She might start thinking Dawn was the kind of person who could live the wild life in Haight-Ashbury like her mother had.
What was Pastor Daniel saying to Jason right now? Was he hearing the same things Georgia Steward believed? That girl isn’t good enough for you. She has nothing at all to offer. She’s selfish, spoiled, carnal, and probably not even a Christian. What are you thinking, Jason? Why would you want to be with her?
She drove aimlessly for an hour, then went home. Her mother had an open house. Mitch and Christopher had gone bowling. Dawn went straight to her bedroom. Stripping off her clothes, she took a long, hot shower. She scrubbed and still felt unclean. Hunkered in the corner of the shower, she sobbed as the water pounded her. The air thickened with steam. She felt no better when she stepped out and dried off. Pulling on sweats, she got into bed. She lay there for the rest of the day, going over and over what Jason’s mother had said.
“Dawn?” Mom tapped at the door. “Dinner’s almost ready.”
“I’m not hungry.” When Mom opened the door, Dawn covered her head with a pillow.
“Are you sick?”
Lovesick. Heartsick. Sick with shame. “Just go away, Mom. Please.” She half hoped her mother would press harder this time, but she left quietly, closing the door behind her.
* * *
Hours later, the door opened again, a spear of light from the hallway intruding. Mom came in this time. She didn’t turn on a light. She sat on the end of the bed, but didn’t say a word.