by Sarina Bowen
Caleb climbed back into the cab, followed by Washington, who looked as if might explode. I scooted into the back to make room for both of them. The driver slammed the door, then rounded on Caleb. “What the fuck was that? You have a gun in my cab?”
Caleb pointed the weapon at the floor and offered it to Washington. “Take a look. It’s not loaded.”
Washington palmed the gun and then inspected it, and all the while his face was a raging storm.
“I’m sorry,” Caleb said. “I stole it from the Compound because it has value. I wanted to pawn it.” His guilty eyes weren’t looking at Washington anymore, though. They flicked to me.
“This could get us in buckets of trouble,” Washington spat. “Could get me in trouble! Right now, if the police pull up to see why I’m stopped, and they search this place? I got a weapon and no license? I’m arrested.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You got anything else in that bag?”
Caleb kicked it over to Washington. “Not a thing. Look for yourself.”
“Am I going to find the ammo?”
“I didn’t steal the ammo. It’s heavy, and I didn’t know if it was valuable.”
Washington groaned. “Boy, are you shitting me right now? Because you just looked like you knew your way around a gun. That’s why those punks ran off.”
“I do know my way around a gun. Been shooting coyotes since I was twelve. Most of our acreage was cattle. I’ve never shot at anything on two legs, though, unless you count the paper cut-out at target practice.”
With a sigh, Washington buried his forehead in his hand. “You better pray the police don’t show their faces. I’m not taking the rap for this.”
“Yessir.”
“Yessir,” Washington muttered. “Such a nice boy — with an unlicensed handgun. You swear there’s nothing else in here that can get a guy locked up? Weed? Blow?”
“No sir.”
Maybe Washington was over it already, but I wasn’t. “Do I get to look in the backpack?” I was disgusted with all that I’d just learned.
Caleb trained his weary eyes on mine. “I’m sorry, Josh. I should have told you about the gun.”
I felt the inconvenient sting of tears hit the back of my throat. “You got me thrown out of the compound for stealing something you took!”
He sighed. “Everything is so fucked up. I took that gun to get some cash, so I could leave with you.”
“With me,” I spat. “Are you sure?”
He looked stricken. “Of course I’m sure!”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why the hell not?”
Washington was watching our drama play out, but I didn’t care. “You felt guilty about getting me tossed. That’s why you left.”
“The timing sucked, Josh. I won’t argue with that. And I forgot that you always did that fucking inventory, okay? I took the gun because neither one of us had ever used it. But it was just my shitty luck that they noticed right away. I didn’t even steal it but one day before! And then the fucking inventory.” He put his head in his hands.
I rolled to face the wall, shutting Caleb out, trying to think.
Suddenly, everything looked so different to me. Caleb never meant to leave Miriam behind at all. But he’d had to, because he’d inadvertently got me tossed. He obviously thought I couldn’t manage to stay alive by myself. He couldn’t have that on his conscience.
The truth settled into my stomach like a chunk of lead.
It was so quiet in the truck right then that you could hear the engine cooling. But finally the tire guys arrived, and Washington and Caleb got out of the truck. I stayed behind, curled into a ball on the bunk.
The tire was changed, somehow. I didn’t watch. And when Caleb and Washington returned to the truck, Caleb came into the back to see me. He sat down and put a hand on my back. “I’m sorry,” he said gently.
I ignored him.
But I was sorry, too. So sorry to be so useless all the time.
After a little while Caleb gave up the vigil and went back to sit in the passenger seat.
“We’re stopping for the night at the next exit,” Washington said eventually. “You two can wash up, and then stay in the truck again. Same rules as last night.”
“Thank you sir,” Caleb said quietly.
Six
WHEN WASHINGTON LEFT US to go to his hotel, I was still snubbing Caleb. The truck door was locked, but I hadn’t spoken to him yet. I slid into the passenger seat and looked out the side window.
“Have the bunk,” Caleb offered. He was still trying to get me to say something.
“No thanks,” I mumbled.
Caleb sat down on the bunk with a long sigh. “I don’t get why you’re so pissed at me. We couldn’t stay at the Compound, anyway. If it wasn’t now, they would have tossed you some other time. And it wasn’t just you, Josh. Suppose my grandfather died? Or one of his allies stabbed him in the back? They would have tossed me, too. We were always going to end up where we are right now. Gun or no gun.”
For every word that he added to his excuses, my heart ached. “Stop, okay? Just stop trying to make me believe you. If you keep pretending that you meant to run away with me, I just feel worse.”
“Josh,” he gasped. “I’m not pretending. It’s my life, and I wasn’t going to spend it in that little fucking wasteland.”
“I get that. But I think you meant to run with Miriam.”
“Oh good God,” he thundered. “That’s just not true! How many times do I have to say it?”
“You can stop anytime,” I said miserably. For two days, I’d been so happy he was with me. Being with Caleb was all I ever wanted, even if I couldn’t have him the way that I wanted. And now I was sure it was all a big mistake.
For a few minutes it was very, very quiet.
“Josh,” he said eventually, his voice thick. “I didn’t want to do this here. In a truck, at a gas station.”
“Do what?”
He took a deep breath and let it out. “Come here.”
I’d been feeling so sullen that I almost didn’t obey. But since it was almost impossible for me to refuse Caleb anything, I swung out of the passenger’s seat and went over to the bunk. Caleb sat up, patting the edge of the mattress.
I perched on the edge, and Caleb tilted his head, studying me. I let myself look into his eyes. It was allowed, because that’s what he was doing. “I’m going to try something, and hopefully you won’t freak out.”
“Okay?” That was a strange thing to say. But even though I had no clue what came next, I wasn’t nervous. I could never be afraid of Caleb. It just wasn’t possible. I could be angry at him sometimes. But never afraid.
“Turn toward me.”
I shifted my knees so that I faced him more directly.
Caleb reached a hand up to cup the side of my face, dragging his rough thumb across my top lip.
I stopped breathing.
His lips parted. Then he slowly leaned in, until his face was an inch from mine. His thumb still stroked my face. I was having an out of body experience, probably. Or dreaming. But it felt so real. And then…
My brain flickered out as his lips brushed mine. I heard a gasp, which had come from my own chest. And then Caleb kissed me. His mouth slanted over mine, and the moistness of his lips was too real to be a dream. Too sweet to be a hallucination.
I moaned, leaning into the kiss. My whole life I’d wanted this impossible thing. And I didn’t know why it was happening now. But it was everything I’d ever wanted. One kiss led to another. And another! Without my permission, my shaking hands made their way onto the flannel covering Caleb’s chest. And I pressed my palms against those pecs that I’d been admiring since we were fifteen. His chest felt as broad and solid as I’d always known it would. Caleb groaned, and I felt the vibration under my wandering fingers.
Strong arms snaked around my waist, and Caleb pulled me closer. One of his hands wandered down my back, leaving tingles in its
wake. That big palm ended its journey on my ass, where it gave me a squeeze.
I moaned again. More. More, more, more. That became my new chant.
Just when I didn’t think it could get any better, Caleb’s tongue swept into my mouth. That’s when all thought became impossible. There was just Caleb, and the sweet taste of his mouth, and the fire in my heart for this man. His whiskers scratched my face, made my lips raw. And I loved it. Every huff of breath. Every foreign sensation. He was in my arms, and I was never letting go.
Except then he gave a low, masculine growl and began to suck on my tongue. That sweet suction was overwhelming. It was so good. So, so good. Too good. I felt my balls tighten in a dangerous way.
I yanked myself back. “Stop,” I gasped. I was panting like a farm dog after a good run through the brush.
Caleb froze. His arms released me immediately. He placed a single hand in the center of my chest. “I’m sorry, baby. That was too much. I’m sorry. It’s just… I…”
I’d never heard Caleb stammer before, and my lust-filled brain couldn’t really handle anymore talking right now. I put a hand up, sloppily, and covered his mouth. “Shh… it’s just. It’s…” I took a deep breath and tried to clear my head. “I don’t understand.”
With a sigh, he pulled me toward him again, but this time we landed in a hug. He put his chin on my shoulder. “I know. Didn’t mean to shock you. But… I know you’ve thought about this before.”
“You do?” I asked. He knew?
His big palm began to rub sweet circles into my back. “Yeah. You’re not very good at hiding it.”
“I’m not?” I began to panic. Because hiding was essential. It could save my life.
“Not from me, you aren’t. You’re always staring at my ass when you think I’m not looking.”
“Not true,” I argued. I would argue this point until the day I died. Because it was essential to avoid being transparent.
He pulled back, tilting his head to the side, considering me with a look of amusement. “Really? I could swear you had my ass memorized.”
The look on his face was so soft that I wanted to put it in my pocket and keep it forever. “Not true. Sometimes,” I swallowed. “Sometimes I’m staring at your chest. Or your face.”
He grinned.
“But…” now that my heart rate had begun to decline back into the safe zone, I was actually more confused. “You never stare at me.” What did it all mean, anyway? I couldn’t wrap my head around anything that had just happened on this bunk. I’d just… revealed my true self. And for what?
“Josh, I only let people see what I want them to see,” he whispered.
“Lucky.”
He shook his head. “I haven’t been honest with anyone for years. I don’t feel so lucky.”
“So you…” I cleared my throat, because this wasn’t easy to say out loud. In fact, I’d never said it out loud, about anyone. “Like men?”
He put a hand on my chest again. “Yeah. Especially this one.”
The warmth of his hand was divine. But my head still rang with questions. “How do I not know this?” I’d just spent the last several years cowering from this secret. Miserable over it. And he knew?
He spread his fingers on my pecs, which felt mighty fine, even if I was still confused. “What was I supposed to say? If we’d talked about it, that would only make us sad. And doing anything about it would only have put us in danger. You know that.”
He wasn’t wrong. But it was still difficult to process. “I thought you wanted Miriam.” My head was spinning. I had to reorganize my understanding of my whole life, now. It didn’t seem possible.
He closed his eyes. “Don’t make me talk about her again.”
“Why? If you don’t love her.”
“Because she guessed, okay? A couple of years ago she asked me if I was in love with you. I guess I wasn’t as good an actor as I thought. Because she was only fifteen, and she figured it out. That was a tricky conversation. But then last month she said, ‘please, let’s get married. We understand each other. This way, we won’t end up with people who’ll hurt us.’”
“Oh.” Miriam was smarter than I was, obviously. Just like everyone.
“Hey,” Caleb cupped my cheek again. “I never want you to feel bad. We get to be honest with each other now. I’ve been dying, Josh. Wanting you. Wanting to tell you. I’m sorry if I scared you just now.”
“You didn’t. You never could,” I said. His thumb continued to trace a sensuous path around my face. It swept my cheekbones, then my nose. I just wanted to close my eyes and sink back into him.
“Then why did you stop me before?” he asked, removing that thumb that I loved so much.
“Because,” I whispered. “I was about to…” I let out a shuddering breath. “…And we can’t make a mess in Washington’s bunk.”
Caleb let out a bark of laughter. Then he kissed me on the cheek. Then he did it again, because once wasn’t enough. “Come to bed with me. I won’t let you make a mess.”
Now my body was on fire, just because he said the word bed. “Don’t know if that’s possible,” I stammered.
Still laughing, he pulled off my sweater. “Trust me, okay?”
Trust me, he said. The thing was, I’d trusted him my whole life. And, if this night was to be believed, the Caleb I’d trusted was a different one than I thought.
I did not know how to feel about that.
Yet his fingers brushed my chest as he began to unbutton my shirt. And then Caleb began removing his shirt. My Caleb. He shucked it off, and then he stood up and stripped down to his boxer shorts right in front of my eyes. And—God have mercy on my soul — his erection tented the front of his boxer shorts. I stared and stared.
With a chuckle, Caleb caught me under the chin with his hand. “You’re catching flies,” he said.
I slammed my jaw shut.
“Come on, now,” he said, patting my cheek. “Get in bed with me.”
Still feeling shaky, I kicked off my shoes, and took off my trousers. I left my T-shirt and briefs on.
“Put the blanket on the floor, like he told us to,” Caleb suggested. “If we hear him at the door, one of us can roll down like we’d been there all night.”
“You are sneaky.”
“You have no idea.” He got into the bunk and held the covers aside for me.
I followed him, lying down on my side. Getting into bed with Caleb. I shivered, just from excitement.
He didn’t make me wait. Caleb pulled me into his arms and kissed me. And I was gone. There was nothing better than this. I pushed my tongue into his mouth to taste him. And he pushed it out, chasing me into my mouth, tangling his tongue with mine. I was moaning already, and I didn’t think I could stop.
The reality of kissing him was so much better than my daydreams. My fantasies never had much to go on. I’d always just had a vague idea that I wanted his skin on mine, and his hands on my body. But my poor daydreams had never accounted for the sweet slide of his soft lips against mine, or the rough feeling of his two-day beard on my neck.
It was all amazing — every little sensation. But they were coming on with more speed than I could even process. We were cocooned into each other. His hard body bumped and tussled with mine. The rest of the world ceased to exist.
Nobody had ever thrown me away.
There were no mistakes.
No lies.
There was only the heat of his mouth and the exquisite stroke of a hard cock bumping against mine. I wanted to touch it so badly. And the wanting made me crazy.
Again, I pulled back. “We have to stop. I can’t take it.”
His teeth flashed with a smile in the dark. Then he reached down and eased the elastic of my briefs over the throbbing head of my erection.
“Caleb!” I gasped. “What are you doing?”
“Told you I wouldn’t let you make a mess. Gonna use my mouth on you. I’m going to suck you off, and swallow everything you’ve got.”
Caleb yanked down my underwear and moved, until he was kneeling over my body. And before I could even prepare myself, he’d bent his head down to lap his tongue against my cockhead.
My shout of approval could probably be heard all over Nebraska.
A big hand grasped the base of my shaft. Then, he began to bathe my dick in kisses. Wet, sloppy kisses everywhere.
My hips began shaking with excitement. “Oh, Caleb. I can’t…”
He opened his mouth and sucked me down.
I never felt anything so amazing in my life. His mouth was tight and wet all around me. He gave a good hard suck. Just one. And then I was coming. And Caleb was swallowing. My whole body shook with joy. Caleb moaned and he cupped my balls in one hand and I’d forgotten to breathe for entirely too long…
A few seconds later I lay gasping for air. I draped an arm over my eyes, because I was depleted and there were so many things I could not face. Like Caleb, for starters.
“Mmm,” he said, still stroking my sac with his thumb. “You have a beautiful cock. And now I know how you taste.”
I wanted to die of shame.
“Baby, are you okay?”
No. Not at all. But please feel free to call me ‘baby’ again. Anytime you want.
“Josh?” He crept back up and lay beside me. “Didn’t you like it?”
I peeked at him from under my hand. He was still the same, calm Caleb that I’d always known. “I never liked anything more,” I admitted. “But we shouldn’t have done it.”
Maybe another man would have gotten mad. But Caleb just reached up a hand and pushed the damp hair off my forehead. “I wanted to wait until we were somewhere more… secure,” he said. “But I’m not going to feel guilty about this. And I hope you won’t, either.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s a sin.”
“No,” he whispered, still stroking my face. “Hurting someone is a sin. Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
“Does this hurt someone else? Are you going to marry a woman, Josh? Am I keeping you from that?”
“No,” I sighed. It was funny, but I’d always known I wouldn’t marry a woman. A wife would never be found for me at Paradise. And not once had I felt bad about it.