by Sarina Bowen
Today was Friday, when he only worked a half day. But I’d forgotten that.
A couple of minutes later, he emerged again, this time with Daniel. The two of them got into the strange car and then drove away again.
It was hardly the oddest thing that had ever happened. But I still felt a quiver of uncertainty. Would someone please just tell me what was going on?
Forty minutes later, the strange car and the pickup truck both returned. Caleb and Daniel got out. But then they spent a couple minutes talking in the driveway. Strangely, they seemed to be having an argument. It ended when Daniel threw his hands in the air then stomped off toward the workshop.
Caleb turned to look at the house. I held my breath, wondering if he could see the crack in the curtains where I peered through. He seemed to gather himself. Then he began walking toward the house.
By hurrying, I managed to be back in the kitchen, casually pouring myself a cup of coffee in the chipped blue mug when he came in the door. “Hi,” I said when he poked his head in from the mudroom.
“Anyone else here?” he asked by way of a greeting.
My stomach dropped. “Chloe, but she’s napping.”
He nodded, face deathly serious. “We need to talk.”
For a moment, those words just bounced around in my chest. The words weren’t necessarily ominous. But in my gut, I knew that something was wrong. “What about?”
Caleb looked down at his hands. “I’m going to marry Miriam.”
“What?” I could have sworn that he’d just said he wanted to marry Miriam.
“She needs someone to take care of her,” he said. “And her child needs a father.”
The words settled into my stomach like lead. My first thought was a selfish one. But I need you. And wasn’t that just a sissy way to think? Miriam was eighteen years old. She was pregnant and probably unemployable.
She had, however, a family who would care for her.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said carefully. “She isn’t going to starve in the street.”
His eyes were flat. “I get that. But this is better for her. She’ll have someone to lean on. She asked me to marry her once before, and I said no. This time, I’m not going to let her down.”
Oh, no. I realized that I was probably going to cry. I could feel the telltale scratch at the back of my throat, and a burning in my eyes. “I think I hear Chloe,” I said. As casually as I could, I lifted my chin and left the room, expecting Caleb to try to stop me.
He didn’t.
* * *
Upstairs, I did not cry. I couldn’t afford to. Chloe could wake up any minute, and she wouldn’t know what to do with a sobbing babysitter.
I tiptoed into her room and lay down on the twin bed that Daniel had put in here just yesterday. It was the bed that had sat in the corner of his shop, the one that he thought nobody needed.
Well I needed it. Probably tonight. Because if Caleb was serious about leaving me, I was not going to spend another night beside him. Not ever again.
I lay there, shocked, trying to wrap my head around Caleb’s so-called decision. It didn’t even seem real. I half expected him to pop his head into the room and say that he’d been kidding.
But he’d never kid me like that.
So if it wasn’t just a sick joke, I had to sort myself out. And how would that arrangement look? If he actually married her, Caleb and I would need some distance from each other.
Maybe he and Miriam would move out to the apartment.
Our apartment.
I’d worked so hard on that place. I’d wanted to live there with Caleb so badly. And I’d spent exactly one night there. One!
And if I was traded in for Miriam? The hundred yards between the house and the apartment weren’t going to be enough distance. Not even close. So I would have to make some big changes.
Staying here to watch Caleb and Miriam become a family was not something I could stomach.
And — holy God — I used to lie in my twin bunk in Paradise and think these exact same thoughts. It was the freakiest damn thing. A year had passed. One glorious year. And here I was trying to imagine a future for myself without Caleb. Again.
There had to be somewhere else I could go. Babysitting for another family, maybe. Or carrying appetizers for another catering company. Maybe Trey would have some ideas for me.
Why did he pop into my head? Right. Because I had no friends that did not live on this property, or work for C & M Catering.
My mind spun in twisted circles. Everything I thought I’d known about my life was suddenly up for grabs.
“Bosh?”
I sat up fast. I’d never been so happy to see Chloe, and to think of someone else’s troubles for a change. “Hi, sweetie.” I got up off the bed and stood over the crib. She lifted her chubby arms up, waiting to be held.
She was heavy against my chest, and sweet-smelling.
I felt the sting of tears threaten once more, but I blinked them back. “Let’s get you a fresh diaper, and then a bottle.”
“Baba,” she agreed.
Caleb was not in the house when I went downstairs, which was a blessing. And when Maggie and Miriam came home a little later, they were brimming over with happiness. Miriam had a strip of sonogram pictures of her baby, which the doctor had decided was healthy and on track for a late December birth.
“It’s a girl!” Miriam said. “The doctor is fairly sure.”
“We have so many girl clothes, too!” Maggie gushed. “I’m glad I saved everything.”
Nobody noticed that I was practically mute, luckily.
I made hamburger patties while Maggie played with Chloe. My hands were still covered in goo when I heard the mudroom door open and shut again.
I braced myself to see Caleb’s face, but it was only Daniel who came into the kitchen. And when he saw me, he frowned. “What the fuck?” he whispered.
As if I had an answer.
“What the ever-loving fuck?” Daniel pointed outside, toward the apartment. “Did you tell him he’s insane?”
I hadn’t, actually. So I shook my head.
Daniel kept his voice low, but his anger on my behalf was obvious. “Seriously?” he hissed. “You have to open up a big can of righteous indignation. Because that’s a huge mistake that he cannot easily undo.”
Blowing out a breath, I realized that Daniel spoke the truth. Caleb had stood right in this kitchen and dealt me a blow. And what had I done? Run from the room.
Sure, I’d been shocked. But I realized now that my initial reaction wasn’t good enough. Ducking conflict was something I’d done at the Compound, because my survival depended on it.
But it didn’t anymore.
“Josh? Daniel?” Maggie came into the room. “Have you seen Caleb?”
Daniel just stared at me. I stuck my hands under the sink and started washing them off. “Actually, Maggie, I’m going to go find him. He and I need to talk.”
Her eyes widened. “Okay. Aren’t we having dinner in a half hour?”
“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “I can’t worry about that right now. I’m sorry.”
At that, I walked out of the room.
* * *
Caleb wasn’t difficult to find. He was in the apartment, sitting on the bed. My side of the bed.
I’d marched up the stairs like a warrior. But seeing him there, head in his hands, it took a little of the fight out of me. “Caleb.”
He didn’t look up.
“Caleb, you need to listen to me.”
Still, nothing.
With my heart pounding, I walked over and grabbed his chin in my hand, yanking his head up to look into my eyes. “You do not get to ignore me. Not now.”
“Josh…” He hesitated. And I waited, because I was a polite person to the core, whether that was logical or not. “I’m sorry,” he continued, “but there’s no more to say.”
My slap rang out a second later, and I could barely believe I’d done it. But my hand wa
s stinging, and there was a bright red mark on Caleb’s cheek. And so much shock on his face.
“You are a coward,” I spat.
“What did you say?” His voice sounded dangerously angry.
In my whole life, I’d never been afraid of Caleb. And the tremor I felt now was definitely fear. But I was more afraid of myself at that moment than I was of him. In spite of the fact that he looked murderously angry, and I’d just hit him in the face. “You might as well run back to Wyoming and join up again,” I told him.
His face reddened, and a vein bulged in his forehead. “That’s bullshit, Josh. I’m just trying to take responsibility for once.”
“That’s bullshit,” I threw back. “You made a promise to me. But now you’re panicking. Because you made a choice and a couple of the details got messy.”
He jumped up off the bed, and we were suddenly nose to nose. “Messy? Messy? Broken dishes are messy, Josh. Miriam was given to a man who beat her.”
My heart squeezed with misery. “I can see that. But she’s here now. And you didn’t hurt her.”
“Yeah I did. I let that shit happen. That’s my fault. And now I’ve only got one way to make it up to her.”
At that point, my vision was red. I’d never felt so much stress in my body as I did at that moment. My fingertips began to tingle, and I could hear my pulse in my head. Because you can’t throw one person overboard to save the other one. And I could either take this lying down, or argue against the welfare of a pregnant teenager.
It was an impossible situation. And Caleb was the one who put me there.
Yet, if I was ever going to speak up, this was my only chance. Before things got even more twisted.
“You are not doing the right thing,” I spat. “It’s terrible what happened to Miriam. But marrying her isn’t going to undo it.”
“It will ease the burden,” he said, his chest rising and falling as if he’d just run a marathon. “It’s all I can do for her, so I’ll do it.”
“In other words,” my voice was somehow almost level, even though I was dying inside, “you’d wreck me so that you can not quite save her? Does that sound like a solid plan?”
“You won’t be wrecked,” Caleb sighed. “You’ll just hate me for a while.”
“Not true,” I whispered. “Because when I said I love you, I meant it. And I would do anything to make you happy. And if you throw that away, I will not get over it.”
The hard lines in his expression finally softened, if only a little. “Yeah, you will.”
I shook my head. “No, I really won’t, and I’ll be homeless too. If you marry her, I’m going to leave here. Because I will not watch.” I whirled around, as if to walk away, but stopped short. Turning again, I squared my shoulders. “Okay. Since you’re so smart, I have an even better idea. I’ll marry Miriam.”
“What?” his face was pale now.
“Sure!” I said, sounding manic. But honestly, I was onto something. If Caleb wanted to understand what this scenario really meant, I was going to show him. “I’ll marry her. Because, what’s the difference, right? Any two people who don’t love each other can sleep together every night.” I snapped my fingers. “Let’s not forget that I’m the one who’s good with babies. And this way, if one of us has to be homeless, it can be you. In fact, I’m betting that you’ll feel very selfless and useful when you bed down in that car you just bought, but didn’t bother to show me first.”
His mouth opened and closed like a fish in a bowl.
My crazy brain just kept offering up more details. “Before you go, though, I think you should attend our wedding. No—you should be in the wedding. You can stand up there and smile while I promise to love and cherish someone else. But that won’t bother you too much, obviously. Since it’s really no big deal! And I think Miriam and I should live here in the apartment, where there’s a little more space. And privacy. So that when we get around to consummating the marriage, nobody will hear us. You can keep the bedroom in the house. I’ll help you move your things back in. Let’s do that now.”
I was on such a roll. Turning around, I found the dresser that I’d refinished. It wasn’t fancy, it was just something Maggie and I had found at the second-hand store in town. I ripped open the top drawer and took out Caleb’s shirts, tossing them on the bed. “Here you go. And the underwear…” I opened the next drawer down and tossed those onto the pile. Then his jeans.
It took about sixty seconds to stack up all his belongings. In a year, we hadn’t accumulated much.
“There,” I said, straightening up. “We can get your toothbrush out of the bathroom, and move Miriam’s things in here. Won’t take but ten minutes.” I turned around to face him again.
Tears. There were tears running down his face. “Josh, never meant to hurt you.”
My blood pressure was still off the charts. I could feel it throbbing in my neck. But somehow my voice was still steady. “You said that already. But it didn’t mean shit. So pardon me if I don’t need to hear it again. Now pick up your clothes and get out.”
“Josh,” he swallowed and his throat worked. “I can’t think straight. Ever since last night, when I heard her tell Maggie…”
“OUT!” I screamed. I stomped over to the window, the only one on the loft level. There was no screen in it yet, which only made my job easier. With shaking hands I pressed the latches and flung it upwards. Then I marched over to the bed and grabbed an armful of Caleb’s stuff. Three seconds later, I’d flung it out into the bitter night. “That,” I spat. “…Is what you just did to me. Threw me away like garbage. Did you see that? Should I show you again?” My voice was shaking now, and my legs were unsteady beneath me. But I staggered over to the bed and bent over, gathering up the rest of Caleb’s clothes.
“Stop,” he whispered. He put two big hands on my forearms, and held me in place. “Just stop.”
“Why should I?” I cried, my voice finally breaking. “I’m the only one making sense.”
“Just…” he took a big, sobbing breath, and military-crawled toward me. He stretched his arms onto my back and tried to gather me up.
“Get off me,” I whispered.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he bit out.
“You don’t get to say that now.” I tried to hold myself together. “Nobody gets to throw me away, you shit.”
“I’m panicked here!”
“I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” I bucked, shoving him off my body. “At least when Ezra got out the duct tape for my hands and feet, he didn’t try to pretend he was doing the world a favor!”
“Josh…!”
“GET OUT! Right now. Go find your jeans outside.” I was still lying on the bed, my arms half on top of a pile of T-shirts. It was a ridiculous pose. But I turned my head to the side where I couldn’t see him at all.
There was a long silence. I found myself holding my breath. I’d just ordered him repeatedly to leave. And now I was terrified that he would.
And then he did.
The sound of the outer door downstairs broke me in half.
Twenty-Five
I MUST HAVE SLEPT. Because I woke up in a panic, sitting up in the dark, my heart pounding.
“Josh?” A female voice was calling my name.
“Yeah?” My voice was rough, almost unrecognizable.
“Can I come up?”
If only my heart rate would decline. I reached over and switched on a lamp, which was sitting on a little table that Maggie had found in her attic. So many little details had gone into making this place habitable. But it was all so foreign to me. Like I’d fallen into this unfamiliar world, and all I wanted was to go back to the old one. Crawling into our old bed with Caleb in the house together — that’s all I needed.
Things had been so simple for a while. And now they… weren’t.
Maggie appeared at the top of the loft steps. “Are you okay? You haven’t eaten.”
“What time is it?” I rasped.
“Ten. I brought you barle
y soup.” She sat down on the end of the bed and took a piece of foil off of my favorite mug. The blue one with the chip in the rim.
She passed it to me, along with a spoon.
I took a sip, because it was easier than talking. Maggie’s barley soup was divine, too.
“That was my favorite mug, too,” she said suddenly.
“Mmm?”
“That whole set of mugs came from Daniel’s grandmother’s house. When they moved her into a condo, he took some things for his first apartment. I don’t know when the blue one got chipped. But that was my favorite. Still is.”
I looked up in surprise. “Sorry…” I’d been using her mug for a year now, and she never said anything.
Maggie grinned at me. “The thing is, I saw Miriam choose that one this morning, too. There’s something special about it.”
“Mmm,” I said around a spoonful of soup.
“The glaze has so many other colors hiding in it. Little flecks of red and yellow. It’s unexpected,” Maggie said. “But it’s also the chip. That ugly gash of white, right where it shouldn’t be. No matter how the mug is turned, you can always see it.”
This was true.
Maggie reached over and put a finger over the rough spot where the chip met the glaze. “It took me a long time to trust that Daniel really loved me. I had no confidence, Josh. That place took it all out of me.”
I found myself holding my breath, and I didn’t even know why. Maggie’s words probed the ache in my heart, the way you finger an injury, finding it tender.
“…I always chose this mug because it was just like me. I had a rough spot that could never be made smooth again.”
Looking down at the chip, I realized she was right. I’d selected this mug from Maggie’s collection the first time I drank coffee with her. There were three or four more perfect mugs I could have taken. But I thought this was the one I deserved. The broken, left-over thing.
“Miriam’s chip is even bigger than ours, I think,” she whispered.
I took a big bite of soup so that I didn’t have to meet her eyes.