by Jillian Dodd
"Gracie love Kiki too," Gracie whispers.
Misty toes.
2pm
When we're in the kitchen making cookies with the girls, Aiden asks me, "So what are your Christmas traditions? Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas day?"
"We have dinner, take pictures, then open all our presents from each other. On Christmas morning, we open our stockings, eat homemade cinnamon rolls, and open our gifts from Santa."
Aiden smiles. "That sounds fun. I bet the girls will be up really early."
"Usually around six. When the kids get up, we all have to get up."
"Those are Grandpa's rules," Grandma Douglas says, adding a dollop of frosting to a cookie.
"Well, Christmas is for kids," Grandma Stevens agrees, putting the finishing touches on a gingerbread man.
Later, I take a plate of cookies to the guys, who are in the library, drinking scotch and bullshitting.
Aiden and I go into the living room to sit down and relax.
"So, I get to give you your presents tonight, right?"
"You already got me a beautiful ring, Aiden. I don't need anything else."
He arches an eyebrow. "Too bad. Already bought them."
The triplets come tearing into the room and about hit me in the face with a green leaf.
Thank goodness I duck fast.
"Slow down. What are you doing?"
"We have misty toes!" they yell, all of them shoving sad, fake pieces of mistletoe above my head.
"Aye-den, you have to kiss her!" Avery yells.
"Yeah," I say. "Or someone else might."
"Who else is going to kiss you?" Ivery asks seriously.
"Me," Damian says, swooping in, giving me a kiss on the cheek, and stealing their mistletoe. He holds it above Avery and Ivery's heads, picks them both up, and kisses their cheeks.
Then he says, "Let's go find Peyton! She needs mistletoe over her so we can kiss!"
As he rushes out of the room with the girls, he tosses a green leaf back at us.
Aiden raises his eyebrows at me. "I need more than a kiss. Any chance we could sneak away, now that the cookies are done?"
I look around. Grandpa is napping in the library. Tommy and Matt are in there, too, drinking scotch and deciding which cigars they want to take outside to smoke. Most of the ladies are still in the kitchen frosting cookies and making gingerbread houses.
"Absolutely," I say, as he grabs the mistletoe.
When we're safely locked in my room, Aiden thrusts out his hips and dangles the mistletoe over the Titan.
"I'm surprised he's not tired," I tease.
"Never. Ever. Will he be tired of you."
I bend down and place a little kiss on the outside of his pants.
"Hmm. I'm not sure that's what he had in mind," Aiden says.
I push him backwards onto my chaise--which, after last night, may have to be burned before anyone else can stay in this room--unzip his pants, push my panties to the side and slide onto his lap, causing my naked parts to touch his.
"This or that?" I whisper, as I bite his neck and grind myself into him.
"This. Now," he says raggedly, his voice filled with desire.
He picks me up by the hips and guides me on top of him in one fluid motion.
"God, you're hot," he says, his lips finding my shoulder as he tries to go slow.
But I don't want slow.
I want him out of control.
And I'm learning a few tricks of my own.
One of which is letting myself go.
No insecurities about how I look. No trying to script.
Just raw, uncontrollable need.
For him.
The daughter in me.
8pm
After Christmas Eve dinner, which is a formal, sit-down affair in the dining room, we move to the large family room for opening gifts. Because we have multiple families in attendance, the present-opening seems like a bit of a free-for-all. But it's really fun. I help the girls open the puppet theater I bought them and the trunk full of crazy puppets. They stop opening presents for a bit and do a few shows, oblivious to everything. I watch Tommy open the Panerai Ferrari California Chronograph watch I splurged on. I got a little happy dance and a huge kiss on the cheek for the custom guitar I had made for Damian with pieces of his first album cover airbrushed on it.
When Mom opens the gorgeous diamond Chopard cuff I gave her, she says, "Keatyn, this is beautiful. How did you--" She stops and puts her face in her hand. When she looks up, her eyes are full of tears. She motions with her head for me to come to her.
I drop to my knees on the floor in front of the ottoman she's perched on, take the bracelet out of the box, and put it on her wrist. "I knew it would fit you perfectly."
"Your gifts are very extravagant this year."
I nod, tears filling my own eyes. "I bought the girls each a pair of earrings that match your bracelet. Sam, my financial guy, has them. You know, just in case, like, something would happen. They're a bit extravagant, too, but let them wear them, okay?"
Mom nods, pulling me into a hug. "With all of us here--with the wedding--I almost forgot about it, you know?"
"Me too. It's been an amazing few days. I'm so glad I got to be here."
"Your grandfather told me not to worry, but I overheard him telling Garrett that he is worried."
"They weren't talking about me, Mom. I'm going to be fine. I promise," I lie. "The gifts for the girls aren't because of Vincent. I just realized life is short. And, if anything happens to me between now and their sixteenth birthdays, I just wanted things to be in order. Grandpa gave me a big trust and I needed to be certain it would all go to them someday. But I hope that I can give them the gifts myself."
"The mom in me says I should make you take this back."
"And the daughter in me will be crushed if you do."
She hugs me again tightly. "I love you, Keatyn."
"I love you too, Mom. I hope you know that. I know this has been hard on us--that it's driven us apart. But it doesn't matter. Nothing will ever keep me from loving you."
"I'm so sorry I haven't talked to you more. I was just trying to protect you."
"I know, Mom. I was, too. Garrett says we're a lot alike."
She laughs. "We are, but you have your father's stubbornness."
"And his eyes," Grandma Douglas adds, joining our hug. "You both need to take care of yourselves. You understand me?"
I sit back down next to Aiden. We've exchanged gifts like clothes and shoes, but I bought him something special too. Something to remember me by. I grab his hand and lead him into the library and shut the doors behind us.
"I have something else that I bought you. It's a bit extravagant. I went a little crazy on Christmas this year. I guess now, at least, you understand why I did."
"Because you're afraid you won't be here for another one?"
"When I bought the gifts, yes, I was worried about that. But I'm not anymore."
"Why not?"
I give him my best smile and lie through my teeth. "Because Grandpa thinks the takeover will go through. And once that's complete, he won't own the rights to the movie anymore. Which means his whole dream of making it goes away."
"And if he can't make the movie, he won't want you?"
"Exactly. Okay, so, here." I shove the present into his hands.
He sits down and opens the beautiful Van Cleef & Arpels watch with a black alligator strap, white lacquer dial, and a bezel set with diamonds.
"This is incredible, Boots."
"I got this brand of watch because throughout history their jewelry designs place a special emphasis on luck. In fact, Jacques Arpels liked to say, To be lucky, you have to believe in luck." He places the watch on his wrist. "It looks good on you. I knew it would."
"I love it."
"I love you," I say.
"And, so you know, I don't just believe in luck. I believe in our luck," he says, giving me a sweet kiss. "We're lucky together."<
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As we rejoin everyone in the family room, Mom is telling Gracie that she needs to change out of her red tutu and into her pajamas.
Gracie throws herself on the floor and screams.
When no one pays attention to her, she calms herself down.
I figure I'll give it a shot. "Okay, you munchkins have to get to bed. Otherwise, Santa won't come."
Gracie folds her little arms across her chest. "NO! NO BED! Gracie not tired!"
The triplets all roll their eyes. They're used to her tantrums.
"Why don't I give you a piggyback ride?" Aiden says, dazzling her with his smile.
She smiles back at him, says, "O-tay," and jumps on his back.
I never did do research to find out how other girls react to his smile, but I could obviously add Gracie to the affected list.
Mom is standing there watching Aiden with big eyes as Gracie bosses him about which way to go.
"Can we keep him?" she says to me.
I laugh.
"Are you keeping him?" she asks pointedly.
I frown at her.
"What's the face for? Don't you want to keep him?"
"It's complicated, Mom. That's all."
"Love isn't supposed to be complicated."
"Well, I didn't think so either. Kinda like I thought you and Tommy went to the ballet and lived happily ever after."
She scrunches up her face. "Okay, fine. Love isn't supposed to be complicated, but it always is."
"Mom, can I ask you a question?"
"You just did," she teases.
"Did you like B? Did you like us together?"
Mom rubs her fingers across her eyebrow. I do the exact same thing when I'm stressed.
"I think that's complicated."
"Tell me."
"Keatyn, all I'll ever want is for you to be happy."
"I know, but . . ."
"When you and Brook started dating, you seemed deliriously happy. I was happy for you. But when you came back from Europe, it seemed like you weren't as happy."
"I wanted a relationship and he didn't. In retrospect, I understand why he didn't. He didn't think we needed to label our love. I should have known better. You and Tommy didn't need labels."
"That's not true at all. We have been in an exclusive and committed relationship since a few months after we met. But it was kept between us. Not something we needed to shout out to the world, because it didn't matter to us what anyone else thought. All that mattered is what we felt."
"B got us matching tattoos because he thought we'd be together forever. That was his big commitment. I was just too immature to see it. I thought if I couldn't scream it from my social media that it wasn't real."
"And now?"
"I know better. And I love Aiden, but B . . ." My hand immediately goes to my chest.
"Is still in your heart?"
"Yes. And I don't know what that means."
Mom pats my hand. "You'll figure it out, honey."
"Are you serious? That's your advice? Can't you use the wisdom you've gained from being alive for almost forty years to tell me what it means?"
"I'll give you the advice Grandpa Douglas gave me when I was struggling with my own feelings."
"What did he say?"
"He told me to follow my heart because it would always lead me home."
"When were you were struggling with your own feelings? When you met Tommy?"
"Yes. I felt like falling in love with him was a betrayal to your father. To your grandparents. I lost my own parents at a young age and they had become my family. I was afraid they wouldn't understand."
"But they did."
"Yeah, they did. They lost their only son when your dad died. Having Tommy and the girls in their lives has helped them heal too."
"I want to go home," I say quietly.
"Then follow your heart," Mom replies.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25TH
One of her steps.
3pm
I'm putting our gifts from Santa in my room when my phone rings. I look down and see that it's B. I had texted him, along with all my other friends, last night, wishing them a Merry Christmas, but he was the only one I hadn't heard back from.
"Hey, B!" I say. "Merry Christmas!"
"Keats, um . . . shit."
"Brooklyn, what's wrong? Are you crying? Are you okay?"
"Not really. My mom just called me."
"Your mom? But it's been . . ."
"Eleven years."
"What did she say?"
"That she was sorry. She's apparently going through rehab and trying to get her life together. I'm one of her steps."
"Do you know why she left?"
"She says she left because my dad was too controlling and she was tired of him telling her what to do."
"That might be a good excuse for why she left him. It doesn't explain why she left you."
"I always thought it was because I got in trouble for not paying attention at school."
"Is that what you've thought all these years?"
"I did when I was younger. Now, I know that's not why you leave someone. She wants to see me."
"Are you going to?"
"My dad will be pissed."
"Brooklyn, you're twenty years old. You're in charge of your life."
He sighs. "I'm not in control of anything, Keats. My dad controls my career. Fucking security controls everything else. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do and people getting mad at me for what I can't do."
"I'm trying to get our lives back."
"I'm sorry I bailed on you."
"I understand why you did it. I just don't understand why you didn't tell me yourself."
"It's not just my dad. It's her."
"The girl you're seeing?"
"Yeah. What I said about you when I won hurt her. She didn't know about you. About us."
"What did you tell her?"
"That you're the only girl I've ever loved, but that we couldn't see each other."
"Did she want to know why?"
"I told her your parents don't like me."
"We tell similar lies, B. That's what I came up with too."
"Do you feel bad lying?"
"I did, yes. Aiden knows the truth now. I had told him a lot about you, but when Damian put you on speakerphone, he was there. He heard."
"How did he take it?"
"He was upset."
"He's in love with you?"
"Yes."
"This is hard. Us. I need to see you. Figure my life out."
"What do you need to figure out?"
"Our lives. My career. Everything just feels out of control. I hate it."
"Life is divine chaos, isn't that what you told me?"
"Yeah, but mine doesn't feel very divine right now."
"So decide what you want to do and do it."
"I need to see my mom, Keats. I was sort of hoping maybe you'd go with me."
"Where is she?"
"Malibu."
"Oh, B. I'm not sure being in Malibu is a good idea for either of us right now."
"I heard you went back and danced at that club."
"How did you hear that?"
"Garrett's security guys were talking about it. About how stupid it was."
"It was well-planned. I was in and out of there fast."
"So, in theory, if we planned it well, you could come, right? And it would give us a little time together. We need it, Keats."
"Where are you now?"
"Hawaii. The first three stops next year are in Australia, so my dad has us booked to be there until the tour starts back up in March."
"So, the tour is over for the year?"
"Yeah. When did you think it would be over?"
"I don't know. You talked about going away for a year. I guess that's what was in my head."
"We said we'd give it a year and see how I did. If I could get sponsors. I won one event, but I didn't do all that well in the others, so my dad will be picking
up most of the tab for next season."
"Which means you'll still have to listen to him?"
"Yeah," he says somberly.
"If you didn't have to listen to him, what would you do differently?"
"I'd focus on surfing. Nothing else."
"Isn't that what your dad wants?"
"He's more focused on the business side of it. The social media. He thinks I'm going to get sponsors, commercials, and deals because of his business savvy. That I don't have to be that good to be famous. That I have a marketable look."
"Did something happen between you and your dad? You've always gotten along."
He's quiet for a second. Then he sighs. "He lied to me."
"How?"
"All this time, he's known where she was. He purposely kept us apart."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure what to believe. She said that he wouldn't let her see me."
"B, your dad loves you. There has to be a good reason."
"We got into a fight. Today. On Christmas. I wanted answers. He said she was mentally unstable. Didn't want to talk about it. I kept pushing. I asked how I could trust him when all this time he'd been lying to me. You should've seen the look on his face when he walked out the door. It killed me."
I picture the look on Aiden's face when he walked out of the dance.
"You need to find him and apologize."
"How do I trust him?"
"Sometimes you have to lie to protect the people you love."
"I want to see my Mom. I need to see her. I need to understand."
"Then see her. But listen to your dad's story before you decide he's lied to you about everything. Maybe he only lied to you about one thing. When are you supposed to see her?"
"What's taking you so long?" Aiden says as he walks through the door.
I hold a finger up, asking him to give me a minute. He narrows his eyes at me, trying to assess the situation.
"On January third," Brooklyn says.
"I'll go with you, B."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really."
"I can't believe I'm going to see her. After all this time." He starts crying, and then so do I. I wish I could reach through the phone and hug him.
"It'll be okay. B?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't send you a Christmas gift because you're supposed to be with that girl."
"I didn't send you anything either."
"I want to sponsor you next season. No strings attached. Just text me what you need. It's my Christmas gift to you."
"Keats, I can't let you do that."
"I went crazy on Christmas this year."
"In case it's your last one?"