by Vi Keeland
Someone grabbed my arm to try to stop me again, but I punched the hand repeatedly until it let go, allowing me to make my way up the second set of stairs that led to the attic. The problem was, I wasn’t ready for the sight in front of me. I wasn’t ready to see Adric that way.
The once, tan, handsome, funny brother I always knew was now, pale and lifeless with purple lips. He lay on the floor next to his favorite drawing chair, his dark hair covering most of his face and his arms tucked beside his body in a comfortable position. It looked as if someone had took care of him since he’d fallen there, and someone definitely touched his room. The whole room was trashed, everything broken and thrown everywhere. He was wearing his favorite Puma sweatshirt and his face was lying against the hood, comfortably inside. All I could think about was reaching for him and shaking him to wake him up, but I couldn’t.
My legs instantly gave out on me as I started screaming. I don’t even remember what I was saying. I just know that I was screaming so loud, as soon as my parents reached the attic, they already knew he was dead.
Shaking myself back to reality, I swallow hard and twist the bottom of my shirt between my fingers. “You know that I won’t be there tomorrow,” I say as Kade turns around to leave. He should know this by now. I haven’t gone to see the fireworks since that night, eight years ago. There’s no point. That night has a different meaning to me now. One that hurts way too much. “Have fun with your family, though and give my apologies to Dale and Nancy.”
Kade grunts while turning back around to face me. “Just come for once, please. You’re one of the only few that never show up. It breaks my mother’s heart not to see you there. Can’t you just show up? Just for a few minutes at least and say hi.” He sounds defeated as his eyes plead with me to give up and agree. “Please. Just do this to make my mother feel better. Now that Kellan’s back, she’s been a little on edge with worry. It would make her happy.”
As much as it hurts to celebrate tomorrow, he’s right. It wouldn’t hurt for me to at least show up for a few minutes and say hi to everyone. It doesn’t mean I have to stay the whole night and watch the fireworks or anything. I’ll do it for Nancy because I know she’s had it tough.
“Fine, I’ll stop by for Nancy, but I’m not staying for the fireworks. I can’t, Kade.”
“That’s all I ask. I’m sorry for getting upset with you, Phoenix.” He clenches his jaw and scratches his nose. “I guess it’s been hard on all of us, having Kellan reappear. I’ll let my mother know to expect you tomorrow. She’ll be thrilled. Trust me, she loves you.”
He gets ready to turn away, the hurt look on his face makes me feel guilty and for some reason I feel the need to explain Kellan to him. “There’s nothing going on with me and Kellan if you must know. It’s just nice to see him again. He was a big part of my life. Of Adric’s life. We’ve only hung out a couple of times. It’s just nice to see him again. He was a big part of mine and Adric’s life. He was important to Adric, which makes him important to me.”
Kade forces a smile I know he doesn’t feel. “It’s cool, sexy girl. I’ll just see you tomorrow around two.”
I catch myself laughing as he turns away. I always hate when he calls me that and he knows it. “See ya, dick lick.”
He turns around and walks backwards while biting his bottom lip. “Stop thinking about my dick. You’ll never get it,” he teases. “As much as I know that you want it … in your mouth.”
“I’ll try my hardest. It’s going to be really tough though,” I say sarcastically as he walks away, leaving me alone.
So much for relieving stress here.
I get home to find the house quiet and dark. Looks like the girls are still sleeping. It seems like they had quite a rough night, so I don’t expect to hear from them for hours. Maybe I can get some cleaning done without waking them.
By the time two rolls around Zoe finally sits up from the couch, stretching as she watches me dust the TV. “Hey,” she mumbles.
“Hey,” I mumble back before throwing the duster at her. “Did you get enough sleep?”
She exhales before throwing her feet onto the coffee table. “Not really. It took me forever to fall asleep and when I did, I was somewhere between being awake and asleep. I hate when that happens.”
I walk over and plop down next to her on the brown suede couch, throwing my feet next to hers on the coffee table. “I can imagine. What happened with mom and dad? I mean, I know they separated, but how did it go down?”
We both sit there in silence before finally she speaks again. “I don’t really want to think about it. I just remember them yelling at like one in the morning, screaming back and forth about how their relationship hasn’t been good in years. I tried staying in my room until I heard dad say he was seeing someone else and he needed mom to leave, that he couldn’t sneak around anymore and sleep next to her every night.” She pauses for a second, squeezing her eyes closed, no doubt, trying to hide her tears. “I came running out of my room and just started throwing stuff at him, until finally he told me I was free to join my mom on the streets. He’s a jerk and I just couldn’t take it any longer. I would’ve went anyways. There’s no way that I would stick around with him and this new woman. Screw that!”
Even though I know she hates when I comfort her, I throw my arm around her anyway and pull her against my chest. “I kind of had a feeling something was going on. You know you and mom are welcome to stay here as long as you want, right? I would never let you stay on the streets, no matter how angry you make me sometimes.” I smile as she pushes her way out of my arms.
“Yeah, yeah, thanks. Now, enough with the mushy crap.” A small smile forms on her lips as she jumps to her feet. “I’m leaving for a bit. Dana is on her way to pick me up.”
I stand up and follow her to the kitchen as she walks over to search through her cute boy bag full of clothes. “Okay, and where are you guys going?”
She tilts her head to the side and looks me in the eye with a smirk. “Okay, mother dearest. Don’t start acting like that now. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it longer than you think.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I examine her as she picks out a pair of cut off shorts and a white shirt that’s been ripped off at the belly. “Is someone dressing to impress,” I ask teasingly. “More is less you know. You are only fourteen,” I say glancing at her choice of attire.
Her head snaps over in my direction and her face instantly turns a deep shade of red. “No! I’m just hanging out with Dana and Micah. Micah is a player and trust me, I don’t like him.”
Throwing my hands up, I tilt my head and smile. This girl isn’t fooling me. I remember those days when I used to try to impress Kellan. “Alright, girlie. Just try to be back before nine. I don’t want mom worrying. I’m just going to be here relaxing and trying to get my shit together before tomorrow. I can’t believe I agreed to go.” I lean over the counter and slide both of my hands through my hair. “I can’t change my mind now.”
Dropping her clothes on the floor and jumping up on the counter, Zoe lifts both eyebrows giving me her full attention. “Whoa, where is this place that you agreed on going to? You’re not going to the Haze’s Ranch are you?”
Feeling stupid for agreeing myself, I stand straight up and exhale. “Yeah, I am. I’m doing it for Nancy, okay. Kellan’s back and she’s having a rough time. I guess she wants it to feel like old times, I don’t know. I kind of feel like I-”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She jumps off the counter landing in front of me with a look of shock on her face. Shit. I guess I kind of forgot to mention the little detail about Kellan showing back up out of nowhere. Oops. “Back that up a bit. Kellan Haze? As in Kade’s brother?” Her voice heightens with a squeak. “I thought he was dead.”
“No one ever said he was dead, okay. It was just a rumor.” Feeling angry, I have to take a second to collect myself before speaking again. “Kellan would have never taken his own life. People didn’t
know him like I did. I don’t know where he’s been and trust me, I want so badly to ask. He’s back and maybe that should be good enough … for now.” I take a deep breath and turn to face the other way so Zoe can’t see just how shook up I am. The last thing I want to talk about at the moment is him. I exhale for relief and take a second to regroup before facing her again. “Just go and have fun. I’m going to pick out some movies and have a lazy day by myself. Now, go have fun and get out of my hair.” I smile at her playfully at an attempt to lighten the mood.
She rolls her eyes and reaches for her clothes. “Fine. I’ll see you later.”
“Yup! See ya.”
Man, I’m screwed.
Chapter Eleven
Phoenix
With less than an hour left before the party begins, my mind feels as if it’s on speed. A whirlwind of thoughts are blowing through my mind, threatening to break down my sanity and I’m finding it hard to get a grip on reality.
After spending most of the morning and afternoon, might I add, checking my phone in hopes to hear from Kellan, I finally shoved my phone into my purse and hid it inside the oven to keep myself from checking it. Out of sight, out of mind right? Oddly, the oven seemed to be the only rational hiding spot at the time. As I said before, I just can’t seem to think straight when it comes to the sexy bad boy covered in tattoos. He always had a way of leaving me feeling twitterpated. He does something to me I’ve never been able to explain.
“Nope, this won’t do either.” I throw the little red and white strapless dress down on the floor of my closet, as I shuffle through the endless selection of my wardrobe, topping off the huge pile I’ve already formed. For my closest being lined from wall to wall with clothes, I feel like I have nothing to wear. Not only have I gone through my whole closet trying to figure out what to wear today, I’ve also gone through my mother’s clothes as well. I have no idea why I suddenly care so much about my clothing choice. It’s not as if I expect Kellan to actually show up or anything. That would be asking for some kind of miracle. Truthfully, I shouldn’t even be showing up today. If I can’t find the courage to visit my brother’s grave, a party just seems wrong.
Cursing under my breath, I kick the pile of clothes and shove them to the back of my walk in closet. My foot gets caught on the strap of a dress, almost causing me to trip. I catch myself against the wall before shaking my foot attempting to free it from the dress. I stumble out of the closet, slamming my closet door closed. I turn in the direction of my dresser, yanking open my drawers and pulling everything out piece by piece, throwing it on the floor around me. “I can’t believe I’m actually going through with this.” Tossing the contents of the drawers around me in madness, I finally cave in, burying my face into the palm of my hands. It’s just not right to celebrate today. I can’t do this. Why did I ever let Kade persuade me into going? Part of me knows the real reason. As selfish as it sounds, a part of me hopes Kellan will somehow show up. I don’t care if it’s only for a minute. I just want to see him again as a reminder that him being back is real or maybe just to show me that he hasn’t left again. I’m not quite sure, but my heart wants what it wants.
Pulling myself together, I look in my dresser, realizing it’s now empty. I look around the room. It looks like a tornado came through. Shuffling through the items on the floor, I decide on a thin teal shirt that hangs slightly off my right shoulder and a white skirt that settles right below my ass. As hot as it is, everyone should be lucky I’m wearing any clothes at all. That’s my opinion at least. I top off the outfit with my favorite Tony Lama boots before pinning my hair into a loose bun right behind my ear and crawling into my bed. All I want to do is bury myself in the mess of blankets and cozy up in my satin sheets.
The peacefulness doesn’t last long though, before my mom is poking her head into my bedroom door. Her face looks paler than the usual and her eyes appear to be red and puffy. My guess is when she left this morning, she went to go see my father. I don’t see why she won’t just give herself time. Why hurt herself even more knowing the wounds are so fresh?
She smiles weakly before opening the door and stepping inside. She looks around as if she doesn’t know what to say or why she’s even in here to begin with. I suppose she could even be checking out my mess. Who knows? “Hey,” she says, finally finding her words. “Is something wrong?”
I sit up and swing my legs over the edge of the bed, motioning for her to take a seat. As crappy as I feel, at the moment, her problems are far greater than mine and I want to be stronger for her than she was for me. “Hey,” I reply with a nod. “Everything’s fine. I just had a little fight with my wardrobe.” I force a smile in an attempt to lighten the mood, but it does nothing to break through her pain. She takes a seat next to me, but sits stiffly while looking up toward the ceiling. “So … is Zoe over her little tantrum now? It will probably take her a few days to get over it, but you know she doesn’t really blame you for his mistakes, right? She’s just young and doesn’t think before she speaks.”
My mom nods her head and takes a deep breath before bringing her eyes down to meet mine. “I know. All kids go through this stage.”
Shifting to get comfortable, I raise my eyebrow in curiosity. “What stage?”
She smiles sadly and places her hand on her chin, before cupping it over her mouth. “Hating me. Adric’s was when he was nine. I told him he was too young to shave and that he didn’t have any hair to shave yet. He didn’t talk to me for two whole months because he said I didn’t understand his needs as a boy.” She laughs weakly at the memory. “Don’t ask. He was quite advanced for a nine year old. Yours was when you were fifteen. I was too worried about working things out to keep your father around instead of comforting you and Zoe. You wouldn’t even look at me for weeks and-”
“I didn’t hate you,” I breathe, cutting her off. I didn’t hate her. I hated myself and blamed myself for going to the fireworks with my parents instead of staying behind and waiting on him. “I was going through a hard time and I just wanted to be left alone. Even if you had tried, I probably would’ve pushed you away anyways. With Adric and Kellan both being gone …” I stand up and start pacing around the room. I hate this subject and try to avoid it at all cost. “I didn’t want anyone else, okay.”
It’s silent for a moment before either of us attempt to speak again and when my mother finally says, “That broke my world apart. It killed me, but I never showed it.” It breaks my world apart and all I want to do is get out of here. To run off like I did as a teenager, but I don’t because, I’m not a teenager anymore and someday I need to stop running.
I turn away from her and wipe a hand over my forehead, wiping away the sweat that is starting to form. I never know the right thing to say. All I can do is apologize for hurting her, but I can’t take back the truth I felt in my heart. “I’m sorry. I was young and those boys were always there for me. I was attached to their hips and everyone in town knew it, even them and they didn’t care because that was where they wanted me and now Kellan is back,” I squeak before covering my mouth and turning to face the wall. “Just never mind. You get it.”
My mom walks over, grips my shoulder and spins me around to face her. “What did you just say?” Her eyes widen as she waits for a response. She’s always felt that Kellan knows something about Adric that we don’t. That maybe he was somehow involved in Adric’s death. That to me, is just ridiculous. “He’s back? Have you talked to him? Does he know anything? Not that he would say if he did. We all know that he was a lying, deceiving-”
“Don’t you speak of him that way.” I yank my shoulder away from her and look her in the eye, breathing heavily. Maybe my instinct to protect him is just as strong as his is to protect me. I don’t know, but suddenly, I feel as if I could tear these walls down and set fire to the world. Her words sting like hell and shatter my heart. She didn’t know him. She doesn’t know him. “You don’t know shit about him. All you know are the lies. The ones he made up to protect Adric.”
I take a step closer, looking directly at her to be sure she understands my words. “You didn’t know that, did you? About ninety percent of the time that Kellan was in trouble for something, it was because he stood up for Adric and took the blame. He was a good friend and a hell of a good person.”
She looks at me as if I’m some kind of alien and I speak a different language. “What makes you so sure of that?” Her bottom lip shakes in anger, not wanting to believe me. She would never believe that Adric could do any wrong. To her, he was an angel and I hate to be doing this right now. I’m not even sure why I am.
“I was there. In case you forgot, I was always there. Now please excuse me while I get ready for this party.” I point at my bedroom door and exhale, feeling like total crap for snapping out on her. “Please, just go. I need to calm down and get ready and I can’t with you insulting someone so important to me. It’s not right and I won’t stand for it. Please just go.”
“You want me to leave?” She questions me, looking a bit shook up. Her eyes soften and suddenly I feel like total crap for saying anything at all.
I nod and fidget with my skirt. “Just my room. You’re welcome here as long as you want and you know that. That’s what family is for. I just need to be alone right now.”
“Okay, I can respect that.” She turns to leave, but then stops. “By the way. I heard your phone ringing from inside the oven. I’m not too sure, but you might want it back before Zoe gets home and starts baking the casserole.”
I laugh, feeling ridiculous for putting it there in the first place. “Thanks. I kind of needed to get away from that for a while as well. It’s been a tough week.” I smile weakly as she nods her head and sucks in her bottom lip, trying not to smile.
“Understandable. I’m going to grab a few things from the house and I’ll be back later.”
“Okay.” I walk over and place my hand on the door. “Just do yourself a favor and don’t go by dad’s when he is home. Not now at least.”