by Vi Keeland
There’s less than ten seconds on the clock when Nico backs off slightly, but his stubborn opponent lifts his head, trying desperately to get back on his weary feet. And then Nico winds up and strikes. Hard. The man’s head wobbles, seemingly unhinged from side to side, his eyes rolling back into his head before they both close. I watch in slow motion as his head bounces up and down twice more before finally coming to rest lifelessly on the mat.
The arena goes silent. There are twenty thousand people in one room, yet I can hear the paramedic who rushed into the cage bark out orders and the ref instructs the men in suits watching from the sidelines that he’s calling the fight. KO.
They wave something under the unconscious fighter’s nose and I see his head shake from side to side. He’s awake and alive and there’s a collective sigh heard around the arena. After a few minutes, Trevor gets up with assistance from his trainer and walks out of the cage. But Nico is still standing there, staring at the place where Trevor once laid, even as the ref raises his arm in victory. The crowd goes wild, but I see it in Nico’s face, there’s no cause for celebration.
***
The whole way down to find Nico, I fret he may chase me away when I arrive at the locker room. I’m surprised to find a dozen people waiting in line outside his door. Even more surprised to find as many already inside. Photographers vie for photos of the new champion, but I can see he’s in no mood. Two of the bikini bimbo’s from the entrance parade are trying to snuggle up on either side of him as pictures are snapped excitedly. I know it’s all part of marketing, but my nerves are shot and I have no patience left.
“Don’t touch him.” I warn as one of them goes to lift her leg and wrap it around Nico’s side. She stops and looks me up and down, smirking at my t-shirt, she probably thinks I’m some lonesome groupie, hoping to get lucky tonight. That I’m no match for her open invitation to a sure thing. But I have no time or patience to pretend I care what she thinks. Nico watches me closely as I take the few steps to close the distance between us.
“Let’s get out of here.” I’m relieved at Nico’s words. If he hadn’t suggested leaving, I probably would have demanded it.
There are too many people to count yelling at Nico that he can’t leave when we walk out the door. But neither one of us cares.
Chapter 48
Elle
It’s been almost two days now. Nico hasn’t pushed me away like last time, but he may as well have, because he’s closed me out all the same…along with everyone else. I’ve tried everything…just holding him, quietly talking, even cuddling up to him bare ass, still I get no response. I’m starting to think Preach is right, he needs a doctor.
It broke my heart the first night when he stared blankly at the ceiling. He didn’t say it, but I knew why he couldn’t close his eyes. I went through the same thing for years. Instead of seeing black and calm, allowing yourself to drift into dreamland, you see that moment, the one frozen in time in your head. And then you’re afraid to close your eyes. Afraid to sleep, afraid of the nightmares that you know will come. Terrified to be forced to relive it all again in your head, because it will all seem so real.
Yesterday I finally took the pills that Preach had been trying to give me to push on him since the first night. His body needs to rest, the physical injuries demand time to heal. Nico may have been the victor, but his body took a relentless beating in those short minutes that he surrendered. He’s swollen and cut and black and blue. Everywhere. I held ice to his injuries when he finally slept, rotating different places on his body every fifteen minutes for more than ten hours, until there was nothing cold left in the freezer to hold against him. Those pills work, he didn’t once move…not from the ice held against him or from my touch.
But today it’s gotten worse. A sick, twisted part of me almost wishes that he was still drugged and sleeping. At least then I could pretend that everything was normal and he was just recovering from the fight. Today he’s no longer sleepy or withdrawn, he’s up and around and he wants nothing to do with me. He won’t tell me to leave, but he doesn’t have to. His body said it when I touched him this morning and he flinched. I should be more understanding of what he’s going through, but his innate reaction tore through me, shredding my heart in pieces.
I don’t want to push him, but I can’t help myself. I’m selfish, hating the feeling in my gut, I need to know he’s okay. That we’ll be okay. I have no idea if it will work, but I can’t stay here anymore just waiting for him to push me further away. He doesn’t acknowledge it when I pack up my bag, I wish his desire for me to stay was stronger. That it would be enough to make him snap out of it as he watches me walk out the door. But instead, he just nods when I tell him I’m going home. I kiss him goodbye on the lips softly, even though he doesn’t respond. I want to feel that beautiful mouth on mine one last time before I go, knowing it could be the last after what I’m about to do.
***
Even though I took a few days off, I go straight to the office from Nico’s to talk to Regina, hoping she will support my decision. Leonard is at the desk when I walk in, and he’s smiling. He probably thinks we’ve been out celebrating. His face falls as I get closer. I’m a mess and I can’t even begin to try to hide it.
“Can you take an early lunch?” Regina is standing to go with me before I finish the question. Leonard doesn’t balk when I tell him I need the rest of the week off. I’ve hardly taken any time since I started and I work twice the amount of hours as most.
Leonard stops me as I turn to leave with Regina. “Take care of yourself. And keep this one for the rest of the day. I’ll get the old ball and chain to come over and work reception. She’s been bugging me to spend more time with her anyway…maybe this will count toward my new quota.” He tries to make light of his concern for me, but it’s written on his face clear as day. Surprising him, I reach up and kiss his cheek before Regina and I take off from the office.
***
It’s true, you really can find anything with Google, and a little determination these days. As soon as I find what I need, I call and set a time to see him the next day. I wish it was today, but it will have to do. Regina stays with me the rest of the night, pretending to fall asleep on my couch, but I know she never planned to leave from the minute she caught sight of me today.
***
Nico
It’s been days since I saw her. At least I think it has. One day just rolls into the next when you lie around and wallow in your own self-pity. She hasn’t called since she left and I don’t blame her.
Fucking Preach had me believing that the fight would heal me, like getting back in the cage would make me feel whole again, normal. Things were starting to go good for the first time in a long time before I went back. It was my decision, but I’ll never forgive Preach for telling me it was right.
I should have just finished what I started, let him pummel me until I was out. But then I started to lift myself from the mat, ready to receive my final penance, when I caught sight of her. It was only a second, but that was all it took. Standing on her chair, screaming and cheering, wearing my face on her t-shirt. I thought it was a sign. A sign that Preach was right and I needed to take back what was mine, to move forward with my life. So I did it. I stood over the brother of the man I killed…the man who looks just like him, and struck another blow. And he didn’t move. His head rattled around in slow motion and I watched as he bounced lifelessly from the mat. I thought I’d killed. Again.
Fucking Preach. Push through, take back your life and move on, is what he said. Look where it got me. I’ve showed the first person that I thought understood me in a long time my true colors. I’m a monster. I don’t blame her for leaving me.
The bell sounds again from downstairs. I know it’s Preach, he’s the only one that refuses to god damn listen and leave me alone. So help me God, I may not be able to hold back from beating the shit out of the old guy this time. He’s tried my patience and it won’t take much to shell out the punishment
he deserves. The bastard should be miserable too.
I send the elevator down and wait patiently as it comes back up. I’m done with him and he’s gonna know it. Practically ripping the lift gate off the hinges, I throw it open, ready to pounce on Preach. “What the fuck!”
The confused visitor takes a step back, throwing his hands up in surrender. For a second, I’m confused, almost not recognizing the man retreating in my elevator car fully dressed.
“Wooo, man. If it’s not a good time, I’ll split.”
I just stand there, not knowing what to say or do. I’m a little shell-shocked to see him. His face relaxes a little as my anger is replaced by confusion.
“You gonna invite me in, or kick my ass again?” Trevor smiles. His face is bruised and cut, but he’s standing there, inside my elevator, looking better than I do.
I finally step aside, motioning silently for him to enter. Trevor walks in and whistles approvingly. “Nice space.” I watch as he looks around, his eyes falling to the championship belt that I haven’t touched since Preach threw it at me two days ago. It’s sitting on the floor in the living room.
Trevor laughs, “If that was my belt, I’d still be wearing it. Bet that thing can land allota good tits and ass.”
I’m not laughing with him when he turns his attention on me, understanding spreading across his face as he speaks. “That’s right, you don’t need any of that shit. That little lawyer of yours is hot as hell, but sure is a handful. She could sell ice to an eskimo.” He shakes his head as if he’s reflecting.
My fists clench at my sides at the mention of Elle. Who does this clown think he is walking into my house and talking shit about my girl? Like a good fighter, he reads my face and knows there’s trouble coming. Throwing his hands up again in mock surrender, he chirps out, “Take it easy man, I didn’t mean nothin’ by it. She’s a great lady.”
“What do you know about Elle?” Throwing your hands up isn’t going to make me stop when you talk about Elle, but it will make it easier for me to rip your eyes from the socket so you never check her out again.
“She came to see me, man. I was a perfect gentleman, calm down. I’m not stupid enough to risk a beat down twice from you.”
I force myself to relax my balled fists. “Look, I’m lost on what you’re talking about. You wanna help me out here?”
Trevor nods. “Your lady came to see me. Filled me in that you’re beating yourself up over our fight.” He stops and takes a deep breath. “And your fight with my brother.”
He’s got my attention now. Trevor looks into my eyes, man to man when he continues. “My brother wasn’t your fault. We don’t blame you. It could have been any fighter in there. Could have happened to any one of us, even me. His head wasn’t right. Doctors said it was a slow bleed and could have gone off at any time.”
I’m listening to the words, but can’t believe they’re being spoken. “If I don’t blame you, why are you still blaming yourself?” I’ve no answer for his question either.
“Listen, man. Deep down, I knew I didn’t have a shot with you either. But the fight was good for me, gave me the exposure I needed to make a name for myself. You know the grudge crap was all to sell tickets.” He walks towards the open elevator, putting his hand on my shoulder as he passes.
Trevor lifts the gate and it looks like he’s going to walk out, but then he turns back to me. “Frankie wouldn’t want you carrying this around with you. He thought you were the shit. Used to watch you on T.V. all the time, and try to memorize your moves. He’d want you to get your lazy ass back in the cage and show ‘em how it’s done.” He lifts a hand, offering me a wave, and takes a step into the waiting elevator car. “And if that doesn’t get your head out of your ass, I’m giving you twenty-four hours to go after the lawyer. If she isn’t smiling pretty by then, I’m calling fair game for me trying my hand at putting it back on her face.” He slams the gate down, securing the latch. Smart man, putting steel between us after the last comment.
Chapter 49
Elle
I’ve worn a bare patch in the area rug in my living room today. Sometimes the best intentions wind up being the nails that build the house of failure. Trevor said he would go see him, and he sounded genuine, but I’m not even sure if he really did. Worse, what if he did go to him and Nico sees my going behind his back as traitorous…unforgivable.
And then my phone rings and my heart races with hope. But it’s quickly stomped on when I see Regina’s face flashing on the screen. Not that I don’t appreciate her constant checking on me since she left this morning, but it’s not the face I long to see on my screen.
Regina wants me to meet her, go to a meeting. I really don’t want to, I’m in no mood for cheering up. I prefer to stay home and sulk with my good friends Ben and Jerry. But she’s worried about me and that, in turn, means she won’t take no for an answer. She’s relentless until I finally agree, and in all honesty, I do it just to shut her up. I don’t think I need a meeting, but I agree to go anyway because I know she won’t sleep tonight if I don’t.
***
Grief counseling meetings are sort of like AA meetings. People come and go, some losing their battle to move past their grief, others succeeding in their efforts and sharing their stories. Regina and I attended meetings in the basement of this community center for more than ten years. For years I attended three times a week, never sharing my story with anyone, but listening to people helped me…knowing I wasn’t alone in my battle. It’s where I met Regina.
Her husband was killed in a horrific accident, where the driver was under the influence and the passenger was severely injured. Unfortunately, her husband was the driver and she was the passenger. So many people tried to help me over the years, but it was Regina who I finally connected with. We were both racked with guilt and shame, spending all our energy trying to forget what happened in our lives. She helped me take baby steps forward when I thought I needed to run backwards.
I recognize a few faces as we take our seats in the back row, some have been here for ten years like us, for others it may be their first time. Anyone can share their story, there’s supposed to be no judgment between members. After ten minutes, I start to relax. As much as I hate to admit it, Regina was right for bringing me here. The past few days have opened up old wounds, and there is comfort in hearing the leader’s kind words on forgiveness. It also makes me think I did the right thing with Nico, even if he doesn’t recognize it. I’d rather him heal and hate me than suffer and stand by my side.
The usual group leader announces a new member would like to speak. We’re reminded of the phone’s off rule, and I’m still digging in my disorganized bag in search of my phone when the voice hits me. I know it’s him, but when I look up I still can’t believe what my eyes are seeing. He doesn’t look up as he speaks quietly.
“A smart woman told me to come here months ago...but I was too stubborn to listen.”
Nico inhales deeply, pushing a loud breath out before he begins, his face still looking down.
“Eighteen months ago I killed a man. I didn’t intend to, but it happened anyway. I’m a fighter and it happened in the cage. The ref ruled it a clean hit, but it doesn’t change that it was my hand that dealt him the blow that killed him.
I’ve spent the last year of my life under a cloud of guilt and shame. I went on, going through the motions every day, but I was dead too. I grieved for the loss of the man, and the loss of who I was. For a whole year. A year of my life that I can’t get back. But it wasn’t until today that I realized I even lost it.”
Nico pauses and I hold my breath as I watch his head slowly rise. His eyes find mine instantly, just like every other time. Everything else in the room disappears and it’s as if we’re the only two in a long tunnel, sitting on opposites ends, but inexplicably drawn to each other.
“Then today I was given a gift. A gift by an amazing woman. She gave me the gift of forgiveness because I thought that was what I needed to move on. But I was w
rong. No one was keeping me from moving on, only me. She taught me more about fighting for what you want than I’d learned spending half my life in the cage. I finally get it…what makes us move on is to accept what we feel and share it.”
Nico’s voice becomes shaky and I fight the urge to go comfort him, but I can’t hold back the stream of tears that fall from my face silently.
“Today I made peace with it, Babe. And you gave that to me. I only wish there was something I could give you back that meant as much as what you did for me. But there isn’t one thing big enough to call it even. So if you’ll have me, I want to spend the next fifty or sixty years trying to repay you…saying thank you every day. Because you, lady, are all I need.”
My feet can’t get to him fast enough. I almost knock over two rows of folding chairs in front of me, trying to make my way. But when I finally do, he holds me so tight that everything else fades away and I know we’re going to be okay. As long as we have each other.
Epilogue
Six months later
Elle
It’s almost one on Saturday afternoon when I leave the office. Nico asked me to come to the gym to help him with something. He’s being elusive, won’t tell me what it’s all about. There’s a bit of a knot in my stomach as I drive, hoping I’m not going to be hearing bad news. The last six months have been the happiest time in my life. I hadn’t even realized what I’d been missing till I met Nico Hunter. But he has another fight coming up soon and I worry he may have heard news that could push him back. We’ve made such progress, individually and as a couple. Both of us finally putting our past in its place and moving forward…together. We don’t try to drown it out anymore, like it or not, our past is our own, and it’s made us who we are today. Accept and move on.