by Vi Keeland
“Skylar, I can’t thank you enough for believing in me.”
“Oh, wait…before I forget.” She took out her phone and put it on camera mode. “Stand up straight and push your muscles out.”
“What?”
“Just do it. Roll up your sleeves, so I can see your tattoos…and smile.”
I did what she asked, and she snapped a photo.
She winked. “Eye candy for the road.”
I shook my head in amusement as she walked away. She was a courageous soul. Did I know an angel on Earth when I saw one? I was pretty sure I wouldn’t know one if it punched me in the face.
***
Skylar’s visit had given me the courage I needed. The fact that even one person close to Nina had my back meant the world.
The following day marked exactly a month since Nina walked out of my life. I decided to take that Tuesday afternoon off to go to her apartment and try to talk to her. I hadn’t known what I was going to say but wanted her to look into my eyes and see that I was telling the truth.
It was a windy spring day as I walked from the subway station to her neighborhood in Park Slope. My stomach was churning, and my heart was beating rapidly as I recited what I wanted to say to her. I hadn’t smoked in months, but today, I really felt like I needed a cigarette. People walking by looked at me strangely because I was talking to myself and gesturing with my hands.
As I approached the brownstone where she lived, my heart sank. I immediately hid behind a large tree.
Nina was walking toward her steps, and she wasn’t alone. Some guy with brown hair and glasses had his arm around her. I couldn’t exactly make out his face, but what I did know was that he was wearing a Mister Rogers button down sweater and that I wanted to knock him out.
They sat down together on the stoop, and he took the sweater off, placing it on her shoulders. She bent her head back in laughter at something he said, and my chest constricted. It was like heaven for a split second seeing the joy on her face. She had my heart for Christ’s sake. How could it not feel good to see your heart happy? On the other hand, it was pure hell because it wasn’t me who put it there; it was all because of another man. I had never been more envious of another human being in my entire life.
Watching their every move, I stood frozen behind the tree. She looked so beautiful in a yellow dress that brought out her golden hair that was shining in the sunlight. I wanted so badly to run my fingers through it, to smell her, to hold her. Seeing her made me realize just how badly I had missed her.
He touched her knee, and my fists tightened in response. My heart was beating like crazy and I was sweating profusely.
Fuck, this was killing me.
He seemed to be telling her a story, waving his hands around, and every time she laughed, it felt like I was losing her a little bit more. I just stood there like a stalker, taking it all in. After several torturous minutes, they both stood up. Her back was facing me and my body began to shake when he leaned in to kiss her. I think I may have finally understood what Nina felt like when she was hyperventilating because I couldn’t seem to catch my breath.
I was really losing her.
I was numb. It shouldn’t have surprised me that someone came along to scoop her up so soon. She was a catch, and I was the fool who caught her and let her go. She loved me, and I managed to fuck it all up.
Mister Rogers hugged her goodbye and she was alone for a moment, watching him leave. Everything inside me wanted to run to her in that moment, but my body wouldn’t move. Then, she turned around, walked up the stairs and disappeared from sight.
All of the confidence that had built up in me earlier was depleted by what I had just witnessed. Skylar had said Nina was depressed and sad over me. The Nina I just saw seemed…happier without me. I wasn’t about to take that away. No fucking way. I loved her too much.
I wanted to numb the pain and almost went to a bar on the way home to drink myself into oblivion but then remembered that was how I got myself into this mess in the first place. Instead, I vowed never to drink again, so angry that alcohol destroyed my life.
Instead, I went straight home. Depressed could not even begin to describe my feelings.
Devastated.
***
The house phone rang the next afternoon. I normally wouldn’t have picked it up, but if there was a chance it was Nina, I wanted to hear her voice, even though I had vowed to stay away.
“Hello?”
“Is Nina there?”
It was a male and my body immediately went into attack mode.
“Who is this?”
“Spencer.”
“Spencer…”
“Yes. Is she there?”
Spencer: Nina’s prick ex-boyfriend.
My hands formed into fists and I tried my best to fake a cordial voice. “What’s this in regards to?”
“I’m her…old friend. I’m visiting a client in Brooklyn today and was hoping to stop by and catch up with her. I don’t have her new cell. I know she moved in with Ryan Haggerty. I had this number for him. This is his home phone, right?”
“Yeah. You have the right place.”
“So, is she there?”
“Actually…you just missed her. She walked down to the corner store and should be coming home in a few minutes.” I lied. “You’re welcome to come by and wait, man. It’s 1185 Lincoln.”
“Okay, I’ll do that. Thanks.”
This dude picked the wrong day to come into town.
Fifteen minutes later, he rang the front door and I buzzed him in. When he knocked on the apartment door, I opened it with a grin the size of Texas. I must have looked like I had just swallowed a container of happy pills. “Spencer!” I said loudly, patting him so hard on the back you would have thought he was choking on something. “Come on in.”
He was about the same height as me, wearing a gray suit and looked liked a typical yuppie. He was looking me up and down, clearly judging me. It made me sick that this guy had been with Nina. I gritted my teeth and cringed at the thought.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m Jake. We spoke on the phone.”
“You live here…with Nina?”
“Yup. Make yourself comfortable.”
He walked over to the couch and sat down hesitantly. “You said she would be back in a few minutes?”
“Something like that…” I walked over to the kitchen, grabbed a banana then sat down across from him.
“So…” he said, smacking his hands together, looking uncomfortable.
Good. I was making him nervous.
I mocked him “So…” Peeling back the banana, I took a huge bite and spoke with my mouth full. “Nina’s told me a lot about you.”
He looked shocked. “She has?”
“You still getting off on calling people down?”
“I am not following you.”
“You know, making people feel like shit to make yourself feel better…to make up for the fact that you have a small dick.”
He stood up. “What the fuck…”
“Don’t worry. Nina forgives you. See, after I got inside of her, she realized it wasn’t your fault at all that you never made her come. I mean, you can only do so much with what you have. The poor thing had nothing to compare it to.” I was laughing, shaking my head and said, “She thought that was normal!”
He stood up and pointed his finger at me. “You’re out of line.”
“You know what’s out of line? Cheating on a perfect angel of a woman who gave you her trust and her fucking virginity. Did you feel like more of a man? Because you look like a big pussy to me. You know, sticking it in more than one woman at a time won’t make it grow, Spence.”
He walked toward the door and turned around before leaving. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but if Nina’s been with trash like you, she deserves every bit of pain I ever caused her.”
As he escaped, practically running down the hall, I yelled, “Leaving so soon? I w
as just about to put on a pot of arsenic!”
The front door slammed.
Yeah…I was losing it. But damn, that felt good.
***
A week and another trip to Boston later, I was still a mess.
One night after work, on my way in the front door, Desiree came out of the restaurant, wearing a black mini dress and stilettos. She looked more like a go-go dancer than a waitress.
“Hey, Jake.”
“Hey,” I said without making eye contact and continued to walk past her.
Her heels scraped the pavement. “Wait up.”
I turned around. “What?” Still depressed and angry, I was being short with her.
I hadn’t actually run into Desiree since she accosted Nina in the bathroom on our birthday. That turned out to be the best night of my life. Even now, a week after seeing Nina with another man, my love for her was still as strong as ever. Being apart wasn’t going to mean falling out of love with her. It would be about learning to live without her, despite loving her more than life.
Desiree interrupted my internal dialog. “I wanted to apologize for what I said to Nina in the bathroom that night. It was uncalled for. I was just kind of bitter because things didn’t work out between you and me, but I never meant to cause such a scene.”
“Yeah, whatever. It’s old news.” I put the key into the front door.
“Wait.”
I turned around again. “What?”
“How are things…with Nina?”
It hurt just hearing her name. I gave the only honest answer. “It’s over.”
She looked apologetic, but I couldn’t tell if it was genuine. “I’m sorry. Was it because of what I said to her?”
“No.”
“Well, I am sorry. I mean that. You’re a good guy. And you were always up front with me; you never promised me anything. We were having fun and I had no right to be pissed at you or jealous of her.”
“It’s okay, Des.”
“What are you doing right now?”
“I was going to go upstairs and try to eat something,” I said.
“You seem down. Why don’t you come back inside to the restaurant? I’ll have the chef whip you up your favorite things.”
I knew if I went upstairs, images of Nina and that guy kissing would just be replaying in my head and the thought of that made me nauseous. Even though a part of me wanted to be alone to wallow in my pain, it made sense to try to get my mind off it.
I sighed and followed her in the door. “Alright. Thanks.”
She sat me down at a table in the corner and went into the kitchen, returning with a huge tray of my favorite Greek foods. She sat across from me as I ate. Even though I didn’t have much of an appetite, I devoured about half of each plate.
With her long black hair and big brown eyes, Desiree really was a beautiful girl, just not equally on the inside. We had definitely been compatible in bed, but that was where it ended. Even still, with her, the sex was all about the end result. You couldn’t even compare it to what I experienced with Nina.
Not only was Nina physically the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but loving her with all my heart and soul made sex with her all-consuming, something I never wanted to end. My food started to come up on me as I imagined her having sex with the guy in glasses. It hurt so badly that I literally shook my head to erase the image from my mind.
“How about we take dessert upstairs?” Desiree asked.
I let out a deep breath. I should have read between the lines but was so terrified of being alone, so I went with it. “Yeah…sure. Why not?”
Once upstairs, it started out innocently enough at first. We made some coffee, and Desiree set the plates out on the counter. On my suggestion, we brought everything back to my room because I hadn’t wanted Ryan and Tarah to walk in and see her with me. We sat on my bed eating the cinnamon and honey fritters in silence. Not a moment went by when I wasn’t thinking about Nina. At one point, my throat closed up, and I put the pastry aside.
“Jake, what’s going on with you?” she asked.
I forged a fake smile. “I don’t think you really want to know.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because it has to do with Nina.”
“What about her?”
Was I really about to go into this with her?
“I told you we broke up. Well, last week, I saw her with another guy. It’s made me a little crazy.”
Understatement of the year.
Opening up to Desiree, of all people, about Nina made no sense, but it hurt so damn much, I needed to get it off my chest.
“I don’t know what happened between you two, but she’s a fool for letting you go.”
I didn’t have the energy to rehash everything. So, I just said, “Thanks.”
Then, Desiree stopped talking; she never really was one for words anyway. She came around behind me and started to massage my shoulders. I closed my eyes and just focused on the feeling, trying to relax and meditate away the pain.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew why she wanted to come up here, and a part of me wanted to let it happen, anything to numb the longing and sadness.
She lifted off my shirt and began to rub her hands harder into my back as I kept my eyes closed. As she continued to massage me, my emotions transformed from sadness to anger over the fact that Nina left me over a lie. The reason for my pain was so senseless. The angrier I got, the more I wanted to erase my thoughts. So, when Desiree took off her shirt pressing her breasts up against my back as she rubbed me, I did nothing to stop her.
Nothing mattered anymore.
Rage continued to build inside me. Desiree stopped massaging and climbed on top of me, wrapping her legs around my waist. I closed my eyes and lowered my mouth, flicking my tongue over her breast. It was mechanical at best, as I continued to obsess over Nina. I sucked on her hard, frustrated at my inability to become lost in Desiree.
She licked my lips, pushing my mouth open with her tongue. We were kissing, and suddenly, anger turned to guilt, because this felt more intimate and despite all that had happened, my body still thought it belonged to Nina. Fighting that feeling, I kissed her harder, moving my tongue roughly against hers. I nearly took her mouth off.
Then, she tugged at my lip ring with her teeth, what Nina used to love to do. I pulled back, panting. It wasn’t working. This wasn’t doing anything to erase the pain. It was making it worse.
I needed to either tell her to leave or get this over with. An image of Nina smiling at her new boyfriend flashed in my head. Guilt turned to anger again. Desiree was oblivious to the internal battle I was fighting.
She took off her panties and began grinding over my jeans. I was somewhat hard, half-mast at best, the mediocre result of my mind and body being out of synch.
“I can’t wait to feel you inside of me again,” she said. “Fuck me…now.”
Her eyes were closed as she moved over me. I looked up at her face. She was in ecstasy; I was in despair.
Fuck it.
I’d close my eyes, give her what she wanted, and maybe being inside of another woman would help me get these thoughts out of my head.
I moved her off of me and stood up, opening the bedside table for a condom. My stomach was upset, and my hand was shaky as I ripped one off of the strip and it fell to the ground.
What was I doing?
When I bent over to pick up the condom, I noticed a piece of metal glistening on my rug.
My hand shook even more as I picked it up.
It was Nina’s charm bracelet.
I froze with it in my palm and sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at it, like it were a live piece of her. I moved my fingers over the charms, as an immense sadness came over me, surpassing all the other emotions. Over the guilt, over the anger…sadness had won out. It was all that was left.
Desiree was breathing heavily and looked frustrated when I glanced over at her naked body. “Desiree…I can’t do this. I am sorry
. This was a mistake. I’m just not…ready, I guess.”
I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.
She sighed. “Are you sure?”
I nodded silently my eyes still fixed on the bracelet.
I am so sure.
“Okay, suit yourself,” she said putting her shirt back on.
I didn’t even look at her when I said, “Thank you for understanding and for the food.”
“Anytime, Jake. You know where to find me when you are ready. I’ll be here for you, unlike someone else.”
Desiree put on her clothes and quietly left my room, leaving me alone in the same spot where I stayed for the next half hour. As I rubbed my finger over the charms again, something dawned on me. I specifically remembered Nina wearing this the night she walked in and saw Lexie. The charms jingled as she shook her hand in anger at me. It was a miserable memory but an awesome revelation. If this bracelet were in my room now…that meant…Nina had been here since that night.
She had been sleeping in my bed again.
It wasn’t over.
I didn’t know when she had been here, and it didn’t matter. This was what I needed—proof from her—that maybe she still loved me, that there was hope. I knew now without a shadow of a doubt, that Mister Rogers had a fight on his hands.
***
My mind was racing as I paced the room with the bracelet—hope in the palm of my hand. Suddenly, my earlier rage had turned into vast amounts of invigorating energy…clarity. How could I have been so weak to give up that easily? I came to the conclusion that the ups and downs and guilt I experienced over the past year had broken me down, somehow making me feel undeserving of the happiness she brought to me, undeserving of her innocence. Despite the roller coaster of emotions, the one constant had always been my love for her.
It was getting late. I couldn’t go to her tonight, because what I had planned was going to take time. Tomorrow would be a new day, one that wouldn’t end until I had tried with everything I had to get her back.
Nights like this, I wished my father were around to give me advice. He’d probably smack me in the head for doubting my worthiness and for not realizing sooner that love was something to fight for.