by Vi Keeland
My stomach felt sick. “When do we have to make a decision?”
“You can take all the time you need. Just know that it’s an option.”
“Thank you,” I said as I rubbed my chin, unsure about whether it would be worth the risk. I’d have to do more research.
As I reentered her room, she was fast asleep. I sat down beside her and once again, felt helpless as I watched her peaceful face.
When she was sleeping, it was easy to imagine the old Ivy. I only got to experience that girl for under a year before things started to dramatically change. The past five years have been a steady decline.
Ivy and I dated for six months before we eloped to Vegas on a whim and were only married for about six months more when her behavior started to deteriorate. At first, I didn’t understand what was happening or what to even call the episodes; I just referred to it all as hell.
The first time I ever took her to the hospital, by the time she was discharged, it finally had a name.
***
“That went well, don’t you think?” my co-worker Henry said as we exited the meeting.
“Yeah. Lunch?”
“Sure. The Ninety-Nine?” he asked.
I turned the corner toward my cubicle. “I’ll meet you in five.”
I had been doing my co-op for a technology company north of Boston. It was a hip start-up, and I loved the fact that they didn’t give a shit about my piercings. As long you worked hard, they left you alone. Management had called some of us in to talk about possible job opportunities after graduation. They were scoping out the co-op students for computer hardware engineering positions. We would be developing computer chips, circuit boards and routers.
I didn’t like working so far outside the city, where we lived. Ivy’s behavior had deteriorated lately, and she was really starting to worry me. She had dropped out of school and lost her job several weeks ago, which meant she was now home all day. She wasn’t in any condition to work, but not having anything to occupy her was making an already bad situation worse. I didn’t know how to help her anymore, but losing my job too wasn’t going to help either one of us. So, I drove the forty-five minutes every day and left her alone, hoping for the best.
Rachel, the receptionist, spoke through my phone intercom as I was counting my cash for lunch.
“Jake?”
“Yo.”
“Please come out front.”
Her tone was strange. I immediately grabbed my wallet and walked to the front desk.
My heart dropped.
No.
No.
Not here.
She was standing there in the lobby with mascara running down her eyes, wearing her pajamas, her hair disheveled.
“What are you doing here, Ivy?”
She kept her distance and pointed at me, her index finger shaking. “You know what I am doing here. You know what you tried to do to me this morning. I know you tried to poison me!”
No.
I briefly closed my eyes unable to believe this was actually happening at work. Her words shouldn’t have shocked me, yet every time she accused me of something like that, it fucking ripped my heart out. This was the first time other people would witness it.
I looked behind me to see Rachel looking at us like a deer caught in headlights. I could only imagine what this must look like to someone who didn’t know my wife.
“How did you get here?”
She didn’t answer, but through the sliding glass doors of the lobby, I saw there was a cab waiting outside.
I grabbed her arm. “Let’s go. Now!”
“Don’t touch me!” she yelled.
I started to push her out the door when she resisted.
Her scream echoed in the lobby. “He tried to kill me this morning. He put something in my coffee before he left for work. He’s wanted me dead for a while.”
I looked over toward the desk and saw my three co-workers who were supposed to be meeting me to go to lunch, staring at us speechless. I shook my head at them to let them know this wasn’t what it seemed.
Bob, the office manager came out. “What’s going on out here?”
I started to sweat. “Bob, we were just leaving. This is my wife, but she’s ill and doesn’t realize what she is saying. She shouldn’t have come here. I apologize for the scene.”
She was crying, and I pulled her out the door, as she struggled with me. I held onto her arm so she couldn’t run away as I stuck my head in the open cab window. “Did she pay you?”
The cabbie shook his head, so I took out my wallet with the one available hand I had. “How much?”
“Ninety-seven dollars,” he said.
I didn’t have enough cash. Fuck.
Humiliated, I held onto Ivy, as we walked back into the lobby. More people were now standing there to witness the drama. Henry came up to me. I told him I would explain everything later and he gave me the extra cash to pay the cab driver. As Ivy stood there whispering to herself, I think he was starting to get the drift of what was really going on.
I paid the driver before dragging Ivy to the far end of the parking lot where my Jetta was parked. She was still trying to get away from me and was threatening to call the cops. Cars were speeding by on the nearby highway and I feared if she got away, she’d run into traffic and get herself killed.
Her spit sprayed my face when she said, “I fucking hate you, Jake.” I pushed her into the passenger seat and shut the door. Those words went right through me. As I started the car, she turned away from me looking out the window. I looked over at her, feeling helpless, not sure if I should take her home this time.
I just sat there with the car running. I couldn’t fucking do this alone anymore. Ivy’s mother died shortly before we got married. She had no father in the picture and no siblings. I was all she had. It was the reason I was still here.
Taking her to a hospital had been something I’d been avoiding. I was scared for her, what they might do to her there. Visions of padded white walls and isolation haunted me. I thought I could keep her safe myself, but I was losing control faster than she was losing her mind. My poor Ivy. This wasn’t her fault.
She turned and looked at me, and I knew she was coming out of it. Each episode was like a cycle. It always passed, but once she came through it, a new one was never far behind. Feeling defeated and hopeless, my chest tightened as I reached for her hand. I almost wished, this once, she stayed out of her mind, so that she didn’t realize what was about to happen. Because as we pulled out of the lot, I knew that this time, I wasn’t taking her home.
***
“Where are we?” she asked when we pulled up to a large brick building just outside Boston.
We hadn’t spoken the entire ride to the hospital.
I touched her hair gently. “We’re going to get you help, baby girl.”
I helped her out of the car, and this time, she didn’t resist.
A couple of days later, she was still admitted when the doctor pulled me into his office. I knew something was coming, but I was never going to be ready to hear it.
I was looking at the pictures of the doctor’s smiling children as he said, “Mr. Green, your wife has schizophrenia.”
I continued to stare blankly at the photos. A snapshot of a little boy lifting a fish on a boat would forever be etched in my mind as the image I was looking at when I heard those words come out of the doctor’s mouth. The rest of that one-sided conversation was a blur that I could only recall bits and pieces of.
Auditory Hallucinations
Delusions
Anti-psychotics
Manageable with meds
No cure
No cure
No cure
He was sending us home with a few prescriptions for medications to start.
Ivy took my hand as we walked through the hospital’s revolving doors that symbolized our new normal, in and out of hospitals until I would eventually reach my breaking point.
CHAPTER 22
I had placed a quick call to Nina around midnight, letting her know everything was okay here and to reassure her about us, but I could tell by the tone of her voice, she was scared. Who could blame her? She needed to know what the fuck was going on with me, but I wasn’t about to tell her everything about Ivy over the phone.
Allison and Cedric had a big Victorian-style house with plenty of space, so I always crashed in their guest room on weekends. They weren’t expecting me on a weeknight, though. I knew my nieces would be asleep and hoped someone would be up to let me in.
Crickets chirped as I waited out front wondering if I should text one of their cell phones because I didn’t want to ring the doorbell and wake the girls.
Then, I remembered that my sister left a spare key under a rock in the side yard, so I grabbed it and let myself in.
My eyes nearly bled as I entered the living room to the sight of Cedric’s bare ass…while he was mounting my sister on the couch.
I covered my face. “Aw, man, what the—”
“Jake?” I heard my sister’s voice but refused to open my eyes.
“What the fuck are you doing here on a weekday in the middle of the night?” Cedric growled.
“Haven’t you guys heard of a bedroom?” I said with my eyes still shut.
Cedric chimed in. “Haven’t you heard of a fucking knock?”
When I opened my eyes and got a look at my sister, I couldn’t help but laugh. She was wearing red thigh high boots and was dressed as…oh, Christ. “Seriously? What the hell are you wearing? Are you supposed to be fucking Wonder Woman?”
Allison blushed and covered her face. “Shut up. He likes it. Sometimes I wear it.”
“Gross. That’s my sister, dude. You are one sick fuck.” I glared at Cedric.
He sneered as he finished putting on his sweatpants. “That’ll teach you to barge into our house in the middle of the night.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna fucking need therapy,” I said, causing Allison to laugh.
Then, her tone turned serious. “Jake…what happened? Why are you here? Is everything okay?”
I let out a deep breath. “I flew home this afternoon. It’s Ivy. She’s okay, but she’s in the hospital again. They found her naked on the roof of the group home. She claims she was trying to get air. They thought she was trying to jump. Who knows what really happened. It’s a fucking mess. The doctor wants me to try this medication that might have some serious side effects. She’s fine, for now, though…stable. She’ll be in the hospital for a few days, same as always when this happens. I’m wiped.”
It was sad that neither of them seemed shocked. But the truth was, you became immune to it after years of the same pattern with Ivy.
I was about to go up the stairs to the guest room when my sister came up from behind me and pulled me into a hug. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You’re a friggin’ saint, you know that? I love you.”
“I love you, too. Good night.”
“Good night, Jake,” Cedric said as I was halfway up the stairs.
When I entered the dark room, I pulled off my shoes, undressed and collapsed onto the bed. As tired as I was, I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning, worried about the medication decision I had to make. So, I decided to take a shower in the guest bathroom.
It was the first time since the plane ride that I allowed my mind to escape back into thoughts of Nina. I would have given anything to have her there with me under the water. With my eyes closed, I ached to be inside of her again. It had been only twenty-four hours, but it felt like an eternity ago.
Sex with her had been incredible, better than I had imagined it…the best I ever had. She was so eager, so wet, and it turned me on to no end, knowing I was the first guy to ever make her come like that. We did it as many times and in different ways as we could until the strip of condoms was gone. Then, we got creative and used our mouths and didn’t stop for hours. It was the most sex I had ever had in one sitting in my entire life, and it still wasn’t enough. I guess that’s what months of mind numbing sexual frustration will do to you.
I licked my lips remembering how sweet she tasted and squeezed some shampoo out of the bottle to jerk myself off. I pretended I was pumping into her and came within seconds as I thought about how she looked at me with those beautiful innocent blue eyes when she climaxed. Her blonde hair was spread out all over the pillow like spun gold.
Back in bed, I prayed that I would get to experience all of that again with her and that she would just let me love her, despite all of my baggage. Something told me I would need those prayers because I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be that simple.
***
The next morning, I woke up to find one niece on each side of me pulling me out of bed. They begged me to take them to school, which turned out to be a welcome distraction. I decided to go back to the house afterward for some breakfast before returning to the hospital for the rest of the day.
Allison didn’t have to work until noon, and Cedric decided to go into work late, so they were both having breakfast together in their massive kitchen when I walked in. I had a feeling they were waiting to grill me about stuff. I had confided in them about my obsession with Nina over Christmas. Even though I had been struggling with guilt, they both had encouraged me to pursue her.
“Hey,” I said as I walked in.
“Hey, little brother,” Allison said smiling.
I grabbed some cereal and sat down at the table, noticing they were both staring at me.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Allison laughed. “I should be asking you that. By the look on your face, something is going on.”
“What are you getting at?”
I knew what she was getting at.
“She wants to know what happened with blondie, but she’s waiting for you to tell her because she doesn’t want to seem like the nosy sister that she is,” Cedric said, giving Allison a peck on the cheek after she nudged him.
My mouth was full of cereal. “Ah, I see. You really want to know what happened?”
She leaned in. “Yes.”
Suddenly, the tone of the conversation changed from jovial to serious. I sighed, pushed my bowl away and answered her. “Everything fucking happened, almost at once, and I might be about to lose it all just as fast.”
“You mean…you…”
I nodded. “Yes, multiple times. And I told her I loved her. I am…in love with her.”
Cedric eyes widened. “Whoa. That serious, huh?”
“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. The problem is, I haven’t had a chance to tell her about Ivy. I had planned to tell her everything last night but had to fly here instead. She knows nothing, and I think I might be fooling myself into thinking that she’s going to accept it all.”
He shook his head. “You’d be surprised what people can accept when they love each other. If she truly cares about you, she’ll find a way. Look at your sister and me…all that I had kept from her when we first started dating. But we got through it because we were meant to be.”
Allison reached out for my arm. “I want you to be happy, and this girl clearly makes you happy. I had never seen you with the look in your eyes that you had over Christmas when you first told me about her. You have suffered alone for five years with Ivy. You have your whole life ahead of you. You are the most loyal person I know. That is what I love about you…how you are with Hannah and Holly and how you’re always there for me. You love hard, but in this case, that’s also been a curse. No one your age should be expected to live like you have been, Jake…no one. You deserve to have the kind of love that fulfills you, like I have with Cedric and not feel guilty or like you don’t deserve that because of the hand you’ve been dealt.”
“I know I deserve it, but it’s not
that simple. I can’t just fucking leave Ivy. I made a vow. What would happen to her? I’m all she has. My name is on everything. She’s on my insurance. I have power of attorney. Whoever I’m with is going to need to understand that. What if Nina can’t? This is why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. Nina doesn’t deserve to be dragged into this.”
“Do you love Ivy?” Allison asked.
“I don’t think I even knew what being in love was until I met Nina…eating, sleeping and breathing someone, feeling like I can’t live without her. I thought what I felt for Ivy when we were eighteen was love. Looking back, it was more infatuation. But to answer your question, I do love Ivy in the same way that I love you.”
“So, you’re staying married to someone you love like a sister because you’re afraid of what will happen to her? Don’t you ever want to have a family someday?”
“I want that, sis. I do. You know how much I love the twins. I would love to have kids of my own. But I pretty much wrote that off when Ivy got sick. I never thought about those kinds of things again until Nina. But divorcing Ivy…I just don’t know how I would live with myself if I did that and something happened to her.”
Cedric put his coffee down and looked at me. That dude has some intense blue eyes. “Let me tell you something I learned a long time ago, Jake. Love has no conscience. It doesn’t know right or wrong. It’s a feeling you can’t shake that penetrates your soul, and it cannot be broken. If you’re truly in love with this girl, that’s not going to change no matter what your life circumstances are. Time will tell whether it’s true love or not. If it is, you won’t be able to live without her. End of story.” He looked at my sister.
I knew he was right.
Allison got up from the table and hugged me. “We just want to see you happy. We’ll help in any way we can. Divorcing Ivy doesn’t have to mean deserting her. I’ll look into alternative insurance plans and state aid. We’ll help, even if Cedric and I have to pay for some of the expenses. We’ve already discussed it.”