by Vi Keeland
I kneel down in front of his headstone and place one hand on the ground between my knees and the other against the marble. “Happy birthday. Well, sort of. I miss you even though I just talked to you the other day.” A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe at it with my free hand. “Strange, huh? I guess you already heard, but Kellan told me some pretty funny stuff the last time I was here. I haven’t laughed like that in years. Not since … you left me. I miss those days. Isn’t it funny how we take advantage of it until we no longer have the option to have it anymore?”
I reach in my back pocket and pull out a single pencil, just as I used to back when he was alive to accept them. “I brought you a gift. I thought you might be able to use it up there. I’m sure you’re probably still breaking those pencils. You were always so rough and careless with them.”
I get ready to place the pencil next to the flowers, when I notice there’s already one there. I throw my hand over my mouth and start to bawl. I know exactly who it’s from and suddenly I just can’t hold it in any longer. I feel as if I’m being ripped apart from the inside and my lungs have burst into flames.
Dropping the pencil next to the one Kellan brought, I lay my head on the ground and close my eyes. “This kills me, Adi. I just wish I could hear your laugh again while you sit there sketching and making fun of me. Those sketches were absolutely beautiful. I wish I could find one of a Peacock, drawn by you. I think I’m finally going to get it done. My first tattoo. I just wish it were a part of you somehow. I’m going to ask Kellan to do it. I know he’ll do as good of a job as you would have. I trust that with all my heart. He’s just as passionate as you were. We both miss you.”
My mind plays through the night. “Kellan sang for you tonight, but I’m sure you heard him. You’d be proud of him, Adi. I just wish I could take the pain away from him. He really loved you. This girl came into the bar tonight. She was beautiful but didn’t look familiar. She knew you though. I wish she would have stayed. She looked like she was in pain too. It makes me wonder just how many people still suffer from your absence. I thought I was the only one after this long, but I guess I was wrong.”
I hug the ground and lay there until I can barely keep my eyes open. That’s when I finally call it a night. A person can only handle so much in a day.
Chapter Seventeen
Phoenix
I pull the blanket back, sit up and look behind me at the couch. The house is almost completely dark, but somehow I can still manage to see the silhouette of my mother’s hand dangling off the couch, with the neck of the bottle to her poison in her clutch. As my eyes come into focus, I can see her more clearly. One leg is draped over the cushion, her foot brushing the floor. The bottle of Jack is balancing on the corner of the bottle, almost completely horizontal. The only thing keeping it from spilling out is her fingers around the neck.
My first instinct is to wake her up and yell at her for acting like an adolescent when she has a teenage daughter to care for, but I fight a battle within myself, telling me to take it easy on her. Plus, I’d rather not deal with a drunken mother at four in the morning anyhow. I’ve seen her in far worse conditions than just a bottle of jack almost empty, next to her head. At least it wasn’t a tequila night. This is mild compared to what I was used to as a kid, so maybe she’s learned to deal with her stress better over the years. At least, I hope so for Zoe’s sake.
It’s been a few days now since Adric’s birthday and the hours seem to drag on, slowly tearing my sanity down bit by bit. My home life has become hectic, making me wish I could just sleep the whole time and pretend I’m somewhere else. Somewhere I can actually manage to think without worrying about my mom and Zoe constantly fighting. It’s becoming so unbearable, that Zoe spends most of her time running the streets doing only God knows what with her friends and not coming home ‘til late hours of the night. The bad part is, my mom doesn’t even bother questioning her anymore. She’s barely fifteen. Actually, she won’t even turn fifteen for another five weeks. It kills me to think she doesn’t give a crap. I’m scared she will end up pregnant, in jail, or worse … like Adric. I swallow hard at that horrible thought. I can’t ever lose her, too.
Work life hasn’t been much better either. Kade is still giving me the cold shoulder and when he isn’t, he’s putting his energy into trying to make me jealous by bringing random girls into the bar and throwing himself all over them. However, it doesn’t make me jealous, it just pisses me the hell off. I don’t get the point. I understand he’s mad, but him trying to upset me on purpose is low, even for him. I didn’t do what I did with Kellan because I wanted to hurt Kade. I did it because I couldn’t stop myself. I would never do something to hurt someone on purpose. Besides, it’s not like Kellan and I have even spoken in days and probably won’t either. What we had was just one night of heated passion and now it’s done. Squashed. Like I wish my phone was.
In fact, my cell phone has become more of a torture device than a way of communication, keeping my hopes up over that one phone call I’m sure to never receive. Every time it pings, my heart goes wild only to drop to my stomach when I realize it’s Jen or someone else but him. Some days I even find myself hiding my phone in random spots so I won’t check it every damn hour and sometimes I even forget where I hid it. Who does that? Why I do this to myself, I’ll never figure out.
I find it pretty pathetic I have to stoop to that level. I’ve never had to be one of those girls crazy over waiting on a call from a guy. The truth is, I could really use some support and Kellan has always had a way to make me forget things, even if just for a moment. Right now, it’s not even just about me wanting him physically, which I do and very badly at that. It’s about me wanting him emotionally. I need his support. I need to talk to him. He is the only one who understands exactly as I do.
I’ve already made my decision and I plan on going to that damn tattoo shop today. It’s settled. I’m going to tell him whether or not he wants to see me, I still want him to do one last thing for me. That’s give me my first and only tattoo. I will only get inked by him. I can’t let anyone else permanently leave their mark on my body. It has to mean something to me. After that, he never has to see me again. As much as it hurts, I can’t push him into wanting me like I do him. I have to let him go.
Knowing there’s no possible way I can fall back to sleep, I push the blanket aside and push myself to my feet. I stand in front of the couch and look down at my mother. The pitiful look on her face makes my heart ache. She looks so torn and weak with black streaks that very noticeably cover her pale cheeks. Big dark circles that sit under her eyes alter her beauty that was once present. She was beautiful at one time. You know how they say life can take its toll on your body when drugs or alcohol consumes you? Well, she is that proof. I hate seeing her this way. She looks much older than she really is. You would guess she were more around the age of sixty than forty-nine. I wish she would take my advice and get the help she needs before it’s too late.
I brush a strand of soft, thin hair behind her ear and bend down, pulling the blanket over her before grabbing the bottle of Jack from her limp hand. There is no empty glass present, meaning she drank straight from the bottle. She only does that when she is on a panic from her thoughts of dad and needs to smother them quickly. Standing, I bring the almost empty, black labeled bottle into the kitchen and pour it down the drain, tossing the glass in the trash.
My mom has gone through so much heartache over the years and although she hasn’t always handled them the correct way, I know deep down she cares. She really needs to find a better way to cope with her problems or Zoe will follow in her footsteps, which is why I just hope Zoe knows as well. She needs to know she has a mother that loves her. Every child should know that feeling.
After cleaning the house, I take a quick shower, throw on a towel and sit outside on the front porch since everyone is still sleeping. I sit there with my head back, the breeze blowing through my wet hair, as I stare into the dark sky, waiting for sunrise.
It’s so peaceful; here by myself, feeling free as I close my eyes and just breathe. I sit here lost in thought, peeling at the chair’s old paint underneath me, until the sound of a motorcycle distracts me. I get an instant sinking feeling in my gut as the sound gets closer, until finally it’s right in front of my house. At least, I hope. I haven’t found the courage to find out yet.
I look over and my heart jumps right out of my chest at the sight of Kellan. He wears a pair of faded jeans, an old white tee and leather jacket, unzipped that falls perfectly just below his waist.
He slides the helmet from his head, pushes his thick hair from his face, looks at me, and kills the engine. It takes a minute for my brain to connect with my body, but when it does, I scramble to my feet, gripping the towel and lean against the door.
After days of no communication, he just shows up out of nowhere at six in the morning, looking sexy as can be. It confuses the crap out of me and almost makes me want to hit him for getting my emotions all haywire. He’s the only one who does that to me.
“Kellan,” I say in surprise, looking him over as he steps onto the porch. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” I can’t help but to think something must be wrong. Like maybe, this is goodbye. Maybe he’s already all packed up and ready to get back to his old life. I don’t want that and it breaks my heart. “What’s the backpack for?” Please don’t say you’re leaving. Not yet.
His eyes meet mine and keep their hold as he reaches around and grabs his backpack, pulling it off. “I couldn’t sleep.” He unzips the backpack and pulls out some pizza crust. “I thought maybe you’d want to cook breakfast with me.” He smiles and slides his fingers through the top loop, holding it up in front of me. “I brought all your favorite toppings. You have to say yes now.”
I can’t help the blush that creeps over my face, staining my cheeks red. I can’t believe he remembered. It was so long ago. Once when I was fourteen, he caught me in the kitchen at six in the morning making a pizza. I thought he was going to laugh, but instead he jumped up on the counter and helped me put the toppings on. Then we ate it together and sat around talking for hours until everyone else finally woke up and broke up the fun. That day, I fell more in love with him than I already had been. Now, he’s going to make me fall again, but harder this time and I’m afraid I might break something that will never fully recover. Now that I’ve had a taste of what it’s like to be in those arms, I’m screwed. How can I ever get past that?
I smile and lower my eyes to my towel, noticing my right thigh is almost fully exposed and when I look up, I see his eyes have lowered to my towel as well. The hooded look in his eyes sends a surge of excitement through me. I have to fight the urge to reach out, press my lips against his, and slide his hand under my towel to feel his touch again. Damn, this sucks. I have to play it cool though. “I could go for a pizza. You better have some bacon in that bag,” I threaten. “And chicken.”
His eyes light up as he takes a step forward and places his hand under my chin. He brings my eyes up to meet his smoldering ones. They’re so beautiful, my soul aches. “I know what you like and trust me … I have it,” he says huskily. He runs his fingers up the flap of the towel that is barely covering my thigh and smiles. “Now come on and stop trying to seduce me. You’ll still get the pizza either way.”
I reach out with both hands and shove his stiff chest. “Shut up, smart ass. Who says I would ever try to seduce you? The Kellan Haze that every girl loves.”
He smirks, obviously amused by my answer, holds the door open for me to walk in, and then he follows in suit behind me. His eyes flick over to the couch, then my new bed on the floor but he doesn’t say anything. He just looks over at me and grabs my hand, pulling me into the kitchen.
He sets the backpack down on the counter, grabs me by the hips, picks me up, and sets me down next to the backpack. “This time I’ll do the messy part and you can just toss the toppings on like I did.” His hands linger on my waist, making my insides go mad. I look down at his arms, causing him to be aware of where his hands are still holding me. He lets go and grabs the backpack, unzipping it the rest of the way.
“Sure,” I breathe. I can’t help but stare at the way the muscles in his arm flex every time he pulls something out of the bag. Damn, why must he be so delicious? “I think I can manage that.” I grab the bottom of the towel between my fingers, while still watching him. “Shouldn’t I get dressed first?”
“Nah, stay like that.” He sucks his bottom lip into his mouth and starts removing the wrapper from the crust. “I like you this way. Natural is sexy as hell on you.” He smirks, leans in close to my neck and whispers, “And you smell like cupcakes. You know how much I love cupcakes.”
Mmm … that mouth of his! It’s been nothing but torture over the years. I should hate him for it, but I don’t. I can’t. “So, it was always you sneaking the last cupcake? I kind of figured. Kellan always gets what he wants,” I tease.
He lets out an agitated laugh and grips the counter. “If that were true …” He turns to look me in the eye and the intensity makes my leg quiver. “Then I would have you, Phoenix.”
I sit there, not saying a thing, as I look him in the eye. I don’t know what to say. How does a girl respond to such a thing without sounding too desperate? Hell, what am I saying? I think I am desperate. “And if you wanted me, Kellan … I would be yours.”
He drops the bag of shredded cheese on the counter and walks over to stand between my legs. His hands grip my thighs and he pulls me to him with desperation. His eyes meet mine for a split second before his face is brushing against my neck, his breath warm against my cool skin. His touch chills me to the bone. I can hear him breathing in my scent as he runs his nose along my skin, stopping just under my ear. “It’s not that simple. Trust me. You deserve much more than I can give you.” His hands reach up to wrap in the back of my hair. His shoulders flex as his fist tightens. “I’m no good for you.” He kisses my neck, his lips lingering for a moment. “No good for anyone.” He brushes his lip ring up the front of my neck, teasing me, before kissing my chin and then my forehead. “Now let me give you something I am good for. Let me cook you breakfast. I think I’m pretty damn good at that.”
This man is driving me mad. Why does he have to tease me? Can’t he see just how unfair this is to me? I’m a grown woman now. I can make my own decision.
Placing my hands on his chest, I push him away so I can get a good look at his face. “I think I can be the judge of whether or not you’re good for me. How do you know what’s good for me? I’m not a child anymore, Kellan. I’m a woman now and trust me, I want you.”
His eyes become dark as he stares at me, his jaw clenching tightly. He doesn’t say a thing. He just stands there looking into my eyes. After a moment, he finally speaks. “On second thought … maybe you should get dressed. I’ll go ahead and start the pizza.”
He turns so his back is facing me and runs his hands over his face, blowing out his breath. I grind my jaw, jump off the counter and leave the kitchen feeling like an ass. What must I do to get through to him? Whack him upside the head with a sign that says ‘take me, I’m yours,’ because if that’s what he wants, then I’ll run and grab my favorite markers and draw that shit up right now. I’m losing my grip here.
By the time I am dressed and walking back into the kitchen, he has most of the pizza already put together. The sauce, the cheese and the ham. He smiles and steps away from the counter. “I left your favorite part for you.”
“Okay.” I walk over to the pizza, reach for the bag of bacon, and sprinkle a crap load on top before reaching for the bag of shredded chicken and adding that on top as well. He definitely knows me better than any other man ever could.
I get a whiff of the deliciousness in front of me and suddenly, I am starving. “This smells so good right now.”
“Does it?” He smiles. “‘Cause all I can smell is fucking cupcakes.” He grabs the pizza from my hand and shoves it into the oven. At leas
t I didn’t hide my phone there last night. That would be embarrassing. “What are you doing today?”
Why? Are you going to volunteer to hang out with me? That would be fan-fucking-tastic. I run my fingers through my messy hair and shake my head, hoping not to look too desperate. “Nothing really. Well, actually. I did sort of have something in mind.” I look up, reading his expression.
“Oh yeah. What’s that?” He looks nervous now as if he’s afraid of my answer. He swallows hard and runs a hand through his hair. “Does it involve that Aiden guy? He seems boring if you ask me. I’m much more fun.” He grins while shoving a handful of cheese in his mouth. “Trust me on that.”
“Not exactly, I was planning on-”
Zoe appears in the doorway and clears her throat to get our attention. “Are you serious? It’s early as crap.” She sniffs the air while stretching her arms above her head and squinting. “Is that pizza I smell?” she asks with a confusing but hopeful look.
“Yeah, smells amazing, right?” Kellan picks up a piece of chicken and tosses it at Zoe’s shoulder, making her smile. “Do you have something for me yet?”
Zoe’s eyes go wide as she rubs her hands together. “Oh yeah! You’re damn straight I do.” Bending down, she grabs the piece of chicken from the floor and pops it into her mouth, chewing. “Mmm … that is pretty good. I’ll be right back.” She takes off running out of the kitchen with a huge smile.
All right, then. It’s a good thing I mopped. Now that, is definitely one thing she got from Adric. That boy would eat anything no matter where it’d been.