by Amy Brent
I had remembered the night Roger died in a certain way that soothed me for a week or so after I returned home. It was when I saw the report that Charles had filed before he died that triggered the truth, and my grief was too much to bear. As painful as that was, I couldn’t tell her in therapy what had actually happened. I couldn’t let Emma feel that pain and understand the fear that I suffered for her and the children as I watched him start to crack from the inside. I couldn’t tell my commanding officers and expect them to understand.
I regretted telling Aspen, even though my soul had needed that in the heat of the moment. I was so angry seeing her bent over the bags after worrying that she had left my bed and my life and the turn of emotions confused me as I thought about that night. I felt like she snooped into my dark past and left me raw and open and I was pissed off about it.
I just drank more. I was sleeping all day long and drinking all night while occasionally ordering food to keep myself healthy enough to leave the house when I needed to.
It was some time later that I ended up bringing the bags into the house to look through. I had never gotten them into the trash like I’d planned and I dragged them into the bedroom to look through them with guilt and pain weighing heavily on my shoulders.
Emma hadn’t left a thing out of this collection. She included every picture that was ever taken of us and I remembered how happy I was. We had everything: friendship, The Navy and his family that supported us. I remembered how much I loved his children as I looked over pictures and watched them grow up all over again. I remembered everything that I had ripped away from Roger as well as Emma, but she didn’t ever need to see that crazy look in his brown eyes.
The fourth baby had been the straw that broke the camel’s back, though it was no fault of Emma or even Roger. Something just broke down inside of him as the day got closer and I was personally shocked when the stress erupted into violence. I would never know if my other men were killed by our fire or by that of the enemy but I could wonder if I caused this all to happen by not saying anything. I didn’t want him to go out of the Navy that way, and I knew he’d hate the break as much as I did right now.
A part of me hated Roger for giving me no choice in the matter than night as much as a part of me felt guilty for taking his life. I had always been told to take action to save your men, and I had followed that advice. I didn’t know if I would ever recover.
I walked over to my laptop as I left the pictured piled on my floor and took a deep breath. I clicked on my files and found the videos I had saved of us over the years. I had a collection of stuff from when we were kids as well, but all of this was recent.
I clicked on the video of him bursting out of the hospital room when his first son was born to tell all of us waiting there. I had never seen that joy on his face before, and I watched it twice as I thought back to the day he told me Emma was pregnant. I was single then, much like now without the torment I was feeling over losing Aspen. I couldn’t understand the need to have children in our line of work. It seemed so unfair to me, but when I watched the clip of me holding Bryce, a part of me melted inside. I had loved that kid at first sight.
Roger had been as excited about the other two, and they had pulled me into their clutches as well. Roger was gone a lot, but he had a system of family members to handle anything while we were gone. He was a devoted family man when we were home, and I spent countless hours there enjoying dinners and lazy afternoons by the pool.
I watched the speech I made at their wedding, so full of love and laughter that my heart cracked open. It was a beautiful day even though I felt like I was losing my buddy to another life.
The fourth baby had been when he seemed to be moody and somber, particularly while on our mission. Why hadn’t I seen the signs of his breakdown? Why hadn’t I done more?
The videos kept playing as the memories flooded my mind and I felt reduced to tears.
I walked into the kitchen for the fresh bottle of bourbon and took a long sip. I needed this night before I faced tomorrow. I needed to be numb for another few hours.
It was time to grow up and face the music.
Aspen
I had not heard from Blake in weeks. My heart still ached even as I continued to see other patients and try to fix their lives and their issues. I called Barry to check a few times and was saddened to hear that he’d heard nothing as well. My messages sounded pathetic at times, and I knew this, but I missed him desperately. I worried about him.
I was shocked when one day Lauren called into my office. “Dr. Thomas? Blake Landon is in the waiting room and was hoping to see you today. He says that it is urgent. Can you spare the time?”
“I had a cancellation…so, yes. Send him in. Thank you.” I told her after a moment of silence. I ran a hand through my hair that was down and messy and looked at the blue dress that I wore that day.
It matched the color of his eyes.
There was a tap on the door to which I responded to come in. The knob turned, and he stepped into my office, dark and sloppy. He still looked gorgeous to me but with more of an edge, though I pushed those thoughts away.
Blake hadn’t shaved in a while, and his hair was long and tousled on his head. “Mr. Landon,” I murmured as I stared at him. “It’s been quite some time.”
“It has.” He responded as he stumbled forward and dropped into the chair in front of me. “I…I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have been drinking myself to sleep every fucking night going over everything, and I need you. I need you to help me.”
“That’s my job,” I assured him as he lifted his gaze to my face. He had circles under his eyes, and he was looking a little out of shape. Blake seemed like a man that was suffering badly inside. I still loved him somewhere inside, but I pushed that aside to be his therapist. I could put everything else behind me.
We made regular appointments again. Barry was thrilled and warned be that he would be checking in with me on a regular basis for updates.
I held steady to my promise of not telling anybody the truth. It was better, in this case, to leave it be and spare the feelings of so many people.
We started slow, but he wanted to release the demons. We began with the core loss of his friend and worked through that. There was so much pain that he felt that was taken over by the guilt that he felt. Blake rocked back and forth during some sessions and seemed like he wanted to run screaming out of my office, but I credit him for staying.
We then covered his feelings about the killing. There was so much there and with a few meetings, we started to get somewhere, and he seemed like a weight was off if his shoulders. Blake had gotten his hair cut short again and shaved, and he was looking more and more like the handsome man that I had met at the bar that night.
I knew that he would never be that man again in some way, but I liked the idea. I liked this version of Blake, and I think that he did as well.
I even threw my two cents into the conversation a time or two. I told Blake about my father and brother and the terrible loss that their deaths had been to myself and my family. I held out a picture to show him that I kept on the corner of my desk, and he stared at it as his mouth dropped open. “He was your father?”
“Excuse me?” I asked as I leaned forward and stared at him.
“Mike was my mentor. I met him when I first signed up and made the Seals, and he taught me everything that I know. I loved him as a father and…he created you.” Blake stared at me as I felt a tear slide down my cheek. “I see so much of him in you.”
“He was my hero,” I tearfully confessed as I reached for the box of Kleenex on my desk.
“Mine too. I was devastated when I found out he died. I was on a mission and couldn’t be at the service, and that killed me inside. I think I still talk to him sometimes and remember his advice that he gave to me. He essentially told me that it was okay to do what I did in the interest of my brothers, even if I didn’t save all of them.” Blake said, and I nodded. That sounded just like my dad.
“I might have met you if I had been there.”
“I think we were meant to meet later,” I responded as he lifted a dark eyebrow. “I was a mess, Blake.” I watched as he stood and walked around my desk to stand before me.
“I was, too.”
“I missed you so much,” I confessed as I pushed myself out of my chair and met his eyes. He cupped my face gently as he soothed my tears with his thumbs for a moment. “I barely slept worrying about you.”
“I missed you badly.” He looked at me with watery eyes as I started to cry a little harder. “I can’t stay away from you, baby.” He kissed me with a firm press of his lips, and I threw my arms around his neck to kiss him back with a small moan. There was nothing but our connection in this room that we should not be doing this in but I didn’t care. I pressed my body against the warmth and the muscles that I had watched from under his clothes over the weeks. We made up for lost time with every deep kiss, and I pulled away to stare into his eyes as I smiled slowly. “I need you, Blake.”
“I need you too, Aspen.” He drew his lip between his teeth. “Can you help me with something this coming weekend? I need your strength.”
“Yes. I will always be here for you.” I promised him as I kissed him again and cried out all of the pain that I had Felt missing him for the last few months. It had ripped a hole inside of my heart that reminded me of losing my father, and I laughed against his lips. “I was never supposed to fall for a military man. Ever. Not after what my family went through…but I love you, Blake.”
“I love you,” Blake told me before he kissed me again to try and take my pain away from me. He tried to fix what broke inside of me, and I wanted to let him.
We both cried as we kissed until the session was over, feeling something new between us. Something better than before.
Blake
I released Blake from my care shortly after that but by that time we were already secretly together. It went against every grain of my fiber, but I was crazy about him. I couldn’t be without him in my life ever again.
That weekend we went to an ice cream parlor over in the next town with Emma and all of the kids. It was so bittersweet to see how they crawled all over me and how much they loved me so deeply. I knew they would always miss their dad just like I could see that Emma was, but even she was smiling and tearing up over the sight as I was. We ate huge sundaes and talked about Roger as we settled into the afternoon.
There were so many good memories to share, and I could feel Aspen’s support pouring from her eyes as she watched me focus on that instead of the horrible decision that I had been forced to make. I didn’t have a choice on that day, but I could make it up in ways like this, by honoring my promise to both Roger and Emma.
We shared a lot of long looks, and Aspen giggled when we saw the kids pointing and whispering. I had touched her or held her hand every chance that I got and loved it. “Uncle Blake, is Pen your girlfriend?” Brent asked me in his adorable four-year-old voice as she beautifully blushed. I knew that Aspen was watching me, and it made me laugh as Emma smiled at the sight of the two of us.
“She is my everything right along with all of you,” I promised all of them with a long look at each of them.
Barry knew that Aspen and I were involved now, and he was all right with it since she was no longer my therapist. I had another one that I was going to see as needed but for now, I was cleared to work again. I was surprised to hear how well he knew her, and I saw the support in his eyes when I confessed my love for her. There was no reason to hide it anymore, and she beamed as I slipped my arm around her and kissed her hair.
I watched as Emma and Aspen got to know each other over the chatter of the kids, and I knew that they would be firm friends. The kids adored her as much as I did and I realized that there was another person to help them through the rest of their days as they healed. We were all healing, and Aspen looked at me with a sweet smile.
The girls made plans for a movie night the following weekend as they hugged each other tightly before we walked to our individual cars to leave. Everybody was feeling a lot better, and the kids hugged both of us for several minutes as they forced us into pinkie promises for the following weekend.
I led Aspen to my bike and kissed her long and hard as she leaned into me. The world disappeared around us, and I only tasted the fudge of the sundae that she consumed as our tongues met slowly. I murmured against her lips how much I loved her, and she responded by pulling my mouth over hers with her hands as she moaned into my lips.
We hurried to her place much like any night, and I followed her to her room as she stripped off the black cashmere sweater that she was wearing. It was not going to me riding season soon, and I stared at the pale skin as she reached back to unhook her red lace bra. I knew what was waiting for me, and I hurried forward to pull her into my arms and memorize the way she said my name. She pulled me into the door and slid her hands down to shimmy the fitted jeans down her thighs as I greedily took in the body that was all mine.
Aspen dropped to her knees as she unbuckled my jeans and drew my hard cock into her mouth. It was a sin the way she worked my body so well, and I stared down as she met my gaze. My hands went into her hair and pulled the ponytail out as Aspen moaned and took me even deeper into her throat. I came with a deep thrust that she welcomed into her mouth and throat, coming hard with a guttural cry of her name.
After I had recovered, it was her turn, and I feasted on her pussy as Aspen tried to jerk against the hard hold I had on her thighs. Aspen was a sensitive girl this way, but I loved torturing her large clit and made me tremble in my grasp as she let herself go completely. It was a beautiful sight, and I was always hard and ready after to bury myself inside of her.
Tonight I raised back and looked down at her. “You’re mine. I want you bare, Aspen.”
She was on birth control and she nodded as she reached out for me. We were both clean, and we had no intentions of ever sleeping around again. I drove myself into her as I lifted her legs to my shoulders and held them there. She rocked against me thrust for thrust, and I knew that I was going to come soon as I looked into her eyes. She was panting and moaning as her eyes rolled back into her head and she shook as she let out a keening sound and I felt myself let go inside of her.
Someday, though not soon, she would be carrying my baby. I knew that she was my forever, and Aspen opened her eyes and looked at me with love in her eyes as I let go of her feet slowly. We moved to face each other quickly, and she kissed my lips as I watched her with warm eyes. “I love you, baby,” I whispered as she smiled and kissed me again.
“I love you. I love you forever.” Emotion rose in her voice, and I pulled her close. “I am so proud of you, Blake.”
“I am who I am because of yuo Aspen. I owe you everything.” I told her as she hugged me tightly and closed her eyes.
This place was where I wanted to be when I wasn’t off defending my country, something we were both dealing with. I would spend every moment here proving how much I loved her and would take care of her, but when I couldn’t help I knew that Aspen could handle things.
I knew that were going to make it through anything.
THE END
THE SEAL’S SECRET BABY
Deacon Cameron left the range with his best friend Trevor James, walking back to his Range Rover to head out to lunch. They did this on Wednesday mornings when Trevor was home in Washington D.C. and enjoyed the time together since Deacon was no longer a Seal due to a knee injury received on the job three years ago. He missed the job more than he cared to admit, hiding that behind the interest he showed in Trevor’s stories as he pushed down his pain.
One thing that hadn’t changed in his life was a schedule. Deacon had been smart enough to invest what he’d earned well along with the inheritance from his grandfather so that he could live well now without worry. He helped out with his brother’s security company part time just to keep busy, working long days whenever James needed the assistance as well as
Thursdays and Fridays on a regular basis. He still woke early, something that would never change, using that time to hit the gym and keep himself fit and healthy with a regular trainer. After the gym, he’d run a short distance if he was still feeling restless near his house where there was a nice nature trail.
Today, he’d done all of that early and his knee was hurting a bit as he started the engine of his car. He drove into the city, automatically heading to the diner that they always had lunch at as Trevor pulled a ball cap over his cropped blonde hair and laughed at him.
“What’s your problem?” Deacon asked him, slipping on his sunglasses as the bright spring sunshine nearly blinded him.
“We don’t always have to go to this place, D. I love it and everything but anytime you want to change up, it’s fine with me.” Trevor teased him, knowing how rigid his best friend was to his habits. “Shit, this place has been around for thirty years already.”
“It has, and we’ve been eating here since high school.” Deacon replied, feeling a little contemplative as he pulled into the lot and parked the car. It was one thing that he could still hold onto since losing his job, his memories going back to friends and family as he ran a hand through his own cropped hair. Some of the guys he knew had let theirs grow out as well as growing beards, but Deacon still kept himself clean-shaven at all times. It was what he knew and what he’d seen the men in the family do before him. “I don’t know, Trev. It just means something to me to go here.”
“I hear that. We have a lot of memories here.” The guys left the truck and went inside, sitting at their regular table and ordering the burgers before Deacon sat back and looked around. “How’s Tina doing?”
“She started seeing her ex last week. I started seeing this girl Lorna now. Man, dating is fucking crazy.” Trevor shook his head as Deacon smirked. “When are you going to give it a go? You’re retired now, buddy.
“Like I want a part of that crazy.” Deacon responded, shaking his head. “Ever since James got a divorce, I’ve watched him go through it. It’s insane.”