by M. Robinson
Adrenaline coursed through my veins, throbbing through my bloodstream. Taking over every inch of my body. My heart pounded against my chest as I tried to make my way over to my mother. Praying that she’d be alive under Roberto’s stilled body. My vision tunneled, seeing nothing but red the closer I got to her car.
“Fuck, boss! You’ve been hit!” the guard to my right shouted as we took cover behind a nearby van. Bullets still flying in every direction.
I looked down at my body trying to figure out where I’d been hit. Blood was seeping through my white shirt. “Fuck it! I’m fine!” I roared, reloading my gun. Only having enough bullets for one more round. Tossing my other pistol to the ground, I stood, still taking cover behind the van. I took my left hand and applied pressure to my side.
“Boss, let us—”
“Shut the fuck up. Let’s go!”
Shot after shot erupted from our hands. It was one right after the other, merciless images of death, the smell of blood all around us as souls were being dragged straight down to fucking Hell. Sirens could be heard in the distance, causing the SUV’s to immediately cease fire and skid off in opposite directions. Though it didn’t matter. It would take the cops fucking forever to figure out our exact location. Tall, brick buildings surrounded the back alley, causing the noise to echo from all directions.
Making it harder to pinpoint where the bullets and chaos came from.
“Boss! Wait!”
I ran.
I ran so fucking fast, ignoring the sharp pain in my side and the blood I was losing in the process. I darted toward her car not giving a flying fuck if my life was still in danger. Only needing to get to her as fast as I could. No matter what the cost.
It was my life or hers.
I. Choose. Hers.
When I came upon the mangled metal, I instantly saw Roberto’s dead body slouched over the back seat. I couldn’t see my mother’s small frame, panic and fear immediately assaulted my senses. Sinking deep into my pores before I even had the car door open.
“Please God! Please! Please God!” I begged to the Lord above as I swung open the door. Knowing that I had no right asking the Heavens above to help a man like me.
This was my fault.
I did this.
No one else but me.
She was an innocent soul in all of this mayhem. Getting caught in the crossfire of the life the Martinez men led. Being punished for the choices we made. The lives we had taken. Our daily struggles between good versus evil, when evil always won in the end.
She was the only love I had known for most of my life. The only light that surrounded the darkness that lived within us. I prayed to God, the saints, and the angels that they would see everything she stood for. That they would know she didn’t deserve this. That this wasn’t the way she was supposed to die, through an act of vengeance meant for my father and me. I prayed they would give her mercy for her kind heart, her pure spirit, and undying devotion and love to the men in her life. Even though we didn’t deserve it.
I threw off Roberto’s limp body, finding my mother beneath him on the floorboard, gasping for air. Desperately clutching onto the cross necklace that she never took off her neck. Her protection. Her body seized uncontrollably with every forced breath that escaped her chest.
“Jesus Christ,” I pleaded, not knowing where to touch her, hold her, or comfort her.
There was blood everywhere, splattered on every surface of the car. Her clothes drenched in red. I couldn’t tell if it was hers or his.
Probably both.
“Mamá,” I murmured, finding it hard to breathe, struggling to keep going when all I wanted to do was die along with her. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Falling upon the massacre in front of me.
Tearing apart.
Dying.
Experiencing pain and agony like I never had before.
I reached for her, grabbing her cold hand in a comforting gesture. A whimper escaped her lips. Her eyes shut from the excruciating pain I was sure she was experiencing.
“Mamá, it’s okay. I’m here. Your baby boy is here. You’re going to be okay,” I bawled, my voice breaking. “But goddamn it, you stay with me. Do you hear me? You stay with me! I’m here. I’m here, Mamá! I’m fucking here!”
I gently wrapped my arms around her upper torso, pulling her broken body away from the wreckage. Being careful not to cause her more distress. An unceasing amount of blood gushed from her chest and stomach. Seeping into every last fiber of my being. I slid down the side of the car as my legs gave out on me, ignoring the sting of my own wounds, leaning against it as I held my dying mother in my arms.
My soul drenched with guilt.
“Mamá, no! Please God! Please! Somebody help us! Somebody please help us! She’s dying! She’s fucking dying!” I screamed bloody murder. Uncontrollable tears streamed down my face, falling on her body beneath me. Shuddering, my body shook as profusely as hers. I held her so tight, so close to my fucking heart. Needing to feel her heartbeat against my chest. Reminding her how much I loved her, and how fucking sorry I was.
“Alejandro...” She coughed up blood, her body convulsing in my arms.
I held her closer, kissing all over her bloody face. “Shhh… Mamá… shhh… it’s okay…” I cried with trembling lips. Caressing her face with the knuckles of my hand.
“I love you, mi bebe para siempre,” she quivered, “My baby forever.”
I shivered, my chest locking up, hyperventilating from bawling so fucking hard. My eyes blurred with tears, barely allowing me to see her face.
“I’ll never see you get married. I’ll never get to see your babies and spoil them,” she choked out, struggling to place her hand over my heart. “You protect and take care of your sister, and I’ll always protect and take care of you. I’ll always be with you, mi bebe. He- here,” she said between gasps, setting her hand on my heart.
I fervently nodded, taking her hand. Kissing it. Letting my trembling lips linger along her barely beating pulse.
Chaos was all around us. Bodyguards held in their earpieces, yelling orders. Bystanders still ducked behind cars. Sirens were getting closer and closer.
“Somebody help me! Please! Someone fucking help me!” I looked back down at her, grabbing the back of her head, holding her right against my chest. Trying to keep her body from shaking while it shattered in my arms. She trembled faster and harder, vibrating against my core. Tucking her face under my chin, I cradled her in my shaking embrace. Rocking her back and forth. “You’re going to be okay, Mamá. The bodyguards. They’re getting help. Help is on the way. You hear those sirens. They’re coming… You’re fine. You’re going to be okay. Just hold on, okay… Please, Mamá. I’m begging you. Just hold on... Please don’t leave me… Don’t leave me… I love you… I love you so much. Please! Please God… Don’t do this. Don’t do this to me!”
She sucked in a few breaths, gasping for more air.
“Shhh… I got you. It’s okay… you’re going to be okay...” I closed my eyes, remembering the last time I saw her happy. We were dancing with Sophia. She was laughing. She was smiling. She was breathing. She was so full of life. I didn’t know how to comfort her so I started humming her favorite lullaby, the very one she used to sing to us when we were kids, “Me Niños Bonitos.”
Her body went lax.
I was losing her.
“Mamá,” I whispered, my body suddenly shaking profusely. “Mamá,” I repeated, slowly pulling her away from my chest.
Her mouth was hanging open and her eyes no longer held the light they used to.
I shut my eyes, clutching her tight in my grasp along my chest. “NO! NO! NO!” I screamed till my throat burned and my chest ached. Bawling like a newborn baby. “NO! NO! PLEASE, GOD, NO! TAKE ME! FUCKING TAKE ME! I’M HERE! TAKE ME!”
I was at a loss.
Silently cursing God. Hoping that this was a nightmare I would soon wake up from. A God-awful fucking dream.
Something…
/> Anything…
Other than what was actually happening.
I laid her down on the pavement. Pinching her nose closed and breathing into her blue lips. Her chest rose. “One, two, three,” I pumped my hands against her blood-soaked chest. “No! Stay with me! Fucking stay with me!” Blowing into her mouth again. “One, two, three. No! No! No!” I sobbed, my body convulsing as I took in the body of my dead mother in front of me.
Bowing my head in shame.
At that moment, I would have sold my soul to the Devil if it meant that it would bring her back. I sat up on my knees, looking up at the sky with my hands out in front of me.
“I HATE YOU! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME! I FUCKING HATE YOU!” I bellowed to the Lord above for taking my mother away from me.
I took in my surroundings. Through my tunneled vision, I saw shadowy figures running toward the scene. Yelling incoherent words. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Amari and Sophia come into focus. Amari was fighting off the guards, trying to run toward me. Sophia stood frozen in place, in shock. The roles from that night so many years ago were now reversed.
“Alejandro! What are you doing?! Fucking save her! Do something! You’re letting her die! You better not let her die," she screamed, flailing in the guard’s arms. Reaching her hands out, pleading. "Please don’t let her die! You need to do something! Bring her back! Bring her fucking back!” she hysterically wailed, escaping the guard's grasp and falling to her knees. Breaking down in front of me.
My stomach dropped. My heart was now in my throat, bile rising, but I swallowed it back down. Sophia had a look of horror on her face, taking in the gore that looked like a scene out of a horror film. Amari continued to sob so fucking hard, her fragile frame heaving for breath. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t go comfort them. I couldn’t look them in the eyes, knowing I failed them.
Knowing I failed my mother.
All I could do was mouth “I’m so sorry,” from a distance, burying my face in my hands. The memory of their distraught faces added to the images that would forever haunt me. There wouldn’t be one day where I wouldn’t remember them like that.
Falling apart in front of me.
Not. One. Day.
I sucked in air, my chest heaving from my own sobs. A sound so foreign, yet so real. My heart hurt, and I felt a pain I’d never in my life felt before, a part of me gone.
“Mamá,” I whimpered one last time, peering back at her through a cloud of tears, through a branded memory burning painfully deep in my soul.
“I promise you they will pay for this. I will make them pay,” I whispered in her ear as I softly closed her eyes and did the sign of the cross over her beautiful lifeless face. The way she’d done a million times to me, kissing her forehead one last time.
I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs through the dark streets, I wanted to die, and… I wanted what all Martinez men wanted.
Revenge.
The feel of blood on my hands that wasn’t my mother’s.
She wasn’t the only one who died that day…
We all did, too.
“How many guards are outside?” I asked, getting the security handled before the mass.
“We have fifteen set up in the front of the church, ten in the back, and five at each side entrance,” Victor, my head of security replied.
“No press is to get past those gates. Do you understand me? If they do, it’s your ass,” I ordered, pointing a finger in his face.
He nodded, not taking my warning lightly. The past week had been a fucking shit-storm. Between the newspapers, news stations, reporters, and cops wanting answers in regards to the shooting. Our lawyers were working day and night to get this problem out of the public eye.
Fucking failing at doing so.
I was the last one from our immediate family to arrive at the church. Sophia, Amari, and Michael drove together, escorted by bodyguards. My father came with his men, saying he had some stuff to take care of before the mass. I spent the entire week planning the wake, funeral, and reception that would follow at our house. We were all watching our asses, more so now than ever before. The Martinez name was being thrown in the line of fire for the first time. My father handled the business, making sure to keep everything in order while everything around us seemed like it was falling apart.
He looked like he had aged twenty years overnight, the loss of his wife almost too much for him to bear. It was the first time I ever felt sympathy for him. An emotion I wasn’t used to when it came to my father.
I walked into the empty cathedral, needing a minute to sit before the guests started to arrive. My shoes echoed off the tile beneath me, mimicking my heart, as I walked over to the last set of pews. Wanting to be the furthest away from my mother’s body as possible. She was lying in an elegant red mahogany coffin beside the podium.
In the last two days, family and friends paid their condolences, saying their goodbyes to the body that lay resting. I hadn’t made it up to see her yet. A part of me wanting to remember the woman that used to be so full of life, not the unrecognizable one laying there lifeless.
I watched from afar.
The image of her dead body was the only thing that I saw in my mind every day. I felt like I hadn’t slept since the day she died in my arms. I was emotionally and mentally drained, my body physically spent. I just kept moving like I was on autopilot.
If I stopped, I wouldn’t have been able to get back up.
“Hey,” Sophia announced, coming up behind me. Rubbing my back as I blankly stared out in front of me. “You look exhausted. Have you been sleeping? At all? Even if it’s just for a few minutes? You were shot, twice. You need to rest. When was the last time you took your medications? You’re going to get an infection if you don’t start taking care of yourself.”
“Where is Amari?” I replied, ignoring her questions. I suffered minor wounds during the altercation. Just a few grazes to my shoulder and the side of my stomach. A few stitches, some medication, and I was good to go. My body would heal with time, but my heart was never going to mend itself.
Sophia sighed. “She’s in one of the backrooms with Michael. A few of your family members just arrived. Do you need me to get—”
“Make sure Amari eats today. She looked as pale as a ghost all day yesterday. I don’t trust Michael to look after her.”
“What about you? Huh? You need to let me take care of you, too. You’re not made of steel, Alejandro. It’s okay to grieve.”
I glanced up at her, taking her in. “Thank you for looking so beautiful for me today.”
“Babe…” She came around and crouched down in front of me. Placing her hands on my knees for support, looking me straight in the eyes. “It’s okay to talk to me. I was there, too. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but you can’t close off like this. You can’t shut down, Alejandro. It’s not healthy. I’m here. You can—”
I placed my thumb over her lips, silencing her. “No more talking, cariño. That’s not what I need right now.” Rubbing my thumb along her pouty lips, I wiped off her lipstick.
“Ale—” The doors opened from behind us, guests began to arrive for the mass that was taking place before the funeral. I welcomed the interruption, knowing where this conversation was going.
I stood, bringing Sophia up with me, wrapping my arm around her lower back. Nodding my head toward the associates that just walked in. We made our way toward Amari in the congregation room of the church. She was sitting on a chair with Michael crouched in front of her, peering down. Her skin much paler than it was this morning.
“Carajo, Amari. You need to eat,” I stated in a harsher tone than I intended. Grabbing her forearm, pulling her to stand in front of me. I lifted her chin with my finger so she would look at me. “Do you understand me? You need to eat.”
Tears streamed down her sunken face, murmuring, “I can’t do this, Alejandro. I can’t go in there and say goodbye. I’m not strong like you, I have never been. My heart is filled with so muc
h pain. I can’t breathe. I feel like I can’t fucking breathe.”
Michael tried to pry her out of my arms, stepping in like he actually gave a fuck about her feelings. I glared at him with a warning. His jaw clenched, rubbing her back instead.
“I will be there with you, Amari. You can lean on me. I promise to hold you up. You need to promise me you will eat. Let me worry about everything else. Okay?”
“Is she really gone? This isn’t just a nightmare that we’re going to wake up from? This is really happening? She’s dead, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye? Please… tell me it’s just a cruel joke. I keep thinking that any second now she’s going to walk though those doors and tell us it was all a bad joke. That this isn’t real. Please… Alejandro… I beg you… tell me this isn’t real,” she bellowed, her lips trembling.
I held her face between my hands, and it was like looking into my mother’s eyes. “I wish I could wake up, too. I wish I could lie to you and tell you everything is going to be okay. But this is life, Amari. There are no guarantees, no promises of tomorrow. We have today. And today we have to say goodbye to our light. Our beloved mother.” I kissed her forehead, bringing her into my arms. She melted against me.
Sophia wrapped her arms around her waist in a comforting gesture, watching me while I was comforting my grieving sister.
Our father and the priest walked in to tell us it was time to go. Amari looked up from my chest and wiped her face, walking over to Michael. Dad went to reach for her, but she jerked back from his grasp with a look I couldn’t quite place. Catching all of us off guard by her drastic change in demeanor toward him. If looks could kill, this would be my father’s funeral, not my mother’s. He cleared his throat, slightly bowing his head, leading the way out the door.
Amari tucked her body into the nook of Michael’s arm and walked out. I grabbed Sophia’s hand and brought it up to my lips as we headed in the same direction. All of us walked in together through the side entrance of the cathedral. Following the priest toward the altar and taking a seat in the first row, closest to the casket.