“Okay,” she said. And that was all.
She opened the door and I hovered on the threshold. I smiled a little, but she didn’t. I just hoped I hadn’t made things worse by coming here, but just like after my dinner with Jessa, I wasn’t sure.
“I know it’s over between Jesse and me, Katie,” she said, her steel eyes on mine. “But the heart needs time to heal. You know him. I’m sure you can imagine the kind of time that might take.”
Um, yeah. I could imagine.
It was pretty much all I’d been imagining for weeks now.
And I could do the math.
It had been four and a half months since the end of their relationship. Before that, Jesse said there had been several months of a “prolonged breakup.” My breakup with Josh had taken two years of my life, and I couldn’t even imagine how I would feel if during that time his new girl had shown up at my door to eat my corn bread and wave a white flag.
I had a lot of respect for Jesse’s ex-girlfriend just now.
“Thank you for the corn bread.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. “Don’t ask for the recipe.”
Then she smiled at me, slightly, for the first time, and I got a glimpse of the girl behind the rock star. The girl Jesse Mayes loved like family.
And it killed me a little.
Because if this girl was family, and so many others were all but forgotten... where did that leave me?
CHAPTER 37
JESSE
Katie was sitting on the front steps when I pulled into my driveway. When I saw her there, the tightness in my chest released. As I parked the Ferrari, I felt like I could draw my first full breath in days.
“Jesus Christ, Katie,” I said, getting out of the car. “Did you know we were looking for you?”
I’d spent the last three hours driving between Nudge and Devi’s office and Katie’s apartment and any other fucking place they told me I might find her, around and fucking around—never mind that I was supposed to be at sound check like an hour ago—because she’d pulled a Houdini on Flynn at the airport when they landed and I was going out of my mind. If she was avoiding me this fucking hard, it didn’t exactly bode well for me ever getting to talk to her again.
Thank fuck Jude had finally found her, at her parents’ place.
“I’m sorry,” she said, getting to her feet. She looked from me to Jude, who’d just stepped out of the house behind her. Her eyes went wide and I realized we were probably scaring her, more than she’d scared us.
I flicked my chin at Jude. “Why don’t you head to the venue, man. Give Brody a hand and tell him I’ll be there. Raf can cover for me ’til then.”
“Sure, brother. See you, sweetheart.”
“Bye.”
I waited for the Bentley to pull out of the drive as I collected myself, blew out a breath between my teeth, and turned to Katie. Man, she was a fucking sight for sore eyes in her ripped jeans and little white top, her dark hair blowing loose around her shoulders.
“Hey,” she said softly. “Did I just get Flynn in trouble?”
“Don’t worry about Flynn. He can take care of himself.”
Her eyebrows pinched together. “And I can’t?”
“That’s not what I meant. Shit.” I raked my hand through my hair. It had been a long fucking day, a long fucking week, without her.
I walked up the steps, but she didn’t meet me or rush into my arms. She just stood there, leaving a space between us. It was only a foot, but it felt like the whole fucking world.
“I got all your messages,” she said. “I could’ve come back sooner, but Brody said it was okay to stay in L.A. a couple of days, and I felt like I really needed some time to think about everything. You know, on my own.”
“Yeah,” I said. Turns out I did, too. Even though I wanted her back by my side and in my bed, the time apart had given me crystal fucking clarity. It had also scared the shit out of me. What if she decided she really didn’t want this? Didn’t want me?
“It was my first chance to be truly alone in six weeks and—”
“Me too,” I said. “Kind of hated it.”
She hugged herself against the breeze coming off the water behind the house, and the corner of her pink mouth twitched in the hint of a smile. I’d missed that look. I’d missed her sweet face. I’d missed every fucking thing about her. Even the way she was always “tidying up” my things so neither of us could find them, and the way she ate food off my plate without asking if I was going to finish it, and the way she always seemed to be losing a shoe. Even the way she sang Bohemian Rhapsody in the shower really, really badly.
Hell, maybe especially that.
“Come inside,” I said.
She followed me into the house, which was a rental. Just a place I slept when I wasn’t on tour or wherever. I wouldn’t exactly call it a home.
A home had people in it.
Though it smelled pretty homey at the moment, thanks to the giant tray of cookies on the kitchen counter.
I raised an eyebrow at Katie.
“Did some baking with my mom,” she said, a little pink in her cheeks. “Helps me chill out.”
I led her to the living room at the back of the house, which overlooked False Creek. Katie drifted around the room, taking in the floor-to-ceiling windows and the epic view.
“You want a drink?”
“No, thanks.” My heart dropped, because I knew what was coming. “I don’t think I’ll stay long.”
“Katie—”
“I think I just need some time to process things. In my own bed.”
Wasn’t that what she’d just had?
“I mean, I’ve barely even gotten to see my dog, and my place is kind of a mess...”
“Katie, I’m so fucking sorry for what happened in L.A.. Those pictures of you with your niece and nephew. I know that freaked you the fuck out. And I’m sorry it happened.”
“It’s okay,” she said, stepping a little closer. I wanted to reach out and grab her, pull her to me and never let her go. But she was hovering there in the middle of the room like some frightened doe. I was scared she’d run away if I moved too fast.
“It’s not okay.”
“No,” she agreed. “But it’s not your fault, either.”
“It sure as fuck isn’t your fault.”
“Well, if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s the paparazzi guy who stalked me, took the photos and sold them, and the media agency that put them out there. But that’s life, right?”
But it wasn’t her life. Not until she met me.
“Katie. I know it upset you. I know that. And I understand why—”
“It wasn’t just what happened with my niece and nephew,” she said, coming closer. “You were right. I used that as an excuse. I used them, and I feel like the worst coward in the world.”
“Katie, you don’t have to—”
“Please. I need to say this. It wasn’t the thing about me being paid to come on tour with you. It wasn’t even the thing about our relationship not being real. It wasn’t all the pictures of me with your friends either, and being called a ’party girl’ like they were slut-shaming me.”
“You’re not a slut,” I said. “I’ve known sluts. Zane is a slut.” It was my attempt to lighten the mood.
No dice.
She looked at me and tears gleamed in her eyes. She looked so small, just kind of floating there in the middle of the room, and fragile in a way I’d never seen her look, and I really didn’t fucking like it. I took a step closer, meaning to take her in my arms.
“It was the photo of me and Josh.”
I stopped just short of touching her.
“I just saw the look on my face in that photo,” she said, “and I remembered how it felt when he kissed me. And there it was, staring me in the face, and worse, it was out there for all the world to see.”
“What was?”
“It’s hard to explain. I was so confused, Jesse. When he kissed me, I shouldn’t have
felt anything but anger, or disgust or annoyance. And I did feel those things.” She looked at me, and it cracked my heart a little, the uncertainty and the disappointment on her face. “I felt confused. It was like everything we’d had was in that kiss. All the questions and memories and the good times and all the shit, five years of our lives, all rolled up in one kiss, and I felt sad. And sorry for him. And flattered, which is truly pathetic. And kind of glad.” She sniffled. “Glad that he wanted me again.”
“Babe, you have history. And he broke your heart.”
“I didn’t want him to break my heart.”
“No one wants a broken heart, sweetheart.”
“I mean, I wished that I’d never given him that power. I know I pretend I’m over it, but I think I still hate him because it makes it easier to pretend he didn’t hurt me. That he wasn’t ever someone who amazed me and thrilled me and put a smile on my face. That he wasn’t ever the man of my dreams. Or at least, the man I thought was the man of my dreams.”
I knew I had to tell her then. Tell her the truth about Josh. But I hesitated. I could stand the kick in the stomach of jealousy when she talked about him like that, but I couldn’t take her suffering thinking he was such a good guy.
“Babe, Josh was the one who gave that image to the press.”
She nodded. “I know.”
Damn. Didn’t expect that. Why she wasn’t more pissed off about it, I wasn’t sure. But maybe it was a good sign. A sign that she was finally putting it to rest. “Then you know that he wanted you to see it. He wanted me to see it. He wanted you to feel everything you’re feeling right now.”
It was true. The guy was still trying to fuck with her. And I could send Jude to take care of that. That part wasn’t a problem. The problem was how it was making Katie feel, which was like shit, apparently.
I moved closer, until we were inches apart. I wanted to touch her so fucking bad.
I didn’t know if she wanted me to touch her.
“When things like this happen,” I told her, “it’s often the people around you that you need to look at. It’s not always the paparazzi. It’s people who have access, and a motive beyond just making a quick buck.” I smoothed her hair out of her eye and let my fingers trail down her cheek. “Most of the time the things they say about you, the ones that really hurt, are the ones that are true.”
She peered up at me, looking defeated. “So what do you do about it?”
“You keep good people around you and you live your life. And you don’t apologize to anyone for being who you are.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s all that really matters.”
She looked at me and nodded. “You’re good at it,” she said softly.
It didn’t feel like a compliment.
She turned and walked away. She went to the windows overlooking the patio and the water below. Beyond, the downtown skyline glimmered in the lowering sun as dusk neared.
I could see her face reflected, faintly, in the glass, shimmering with the motion of the water beyond. I tried to read the look in her eyes but I couldn’t, so I moved to stand behind her. I inhaled her sweet scent, deep. I put my hands on her shoulders and felt her take a deep breath.
“The thing is…” she said, “…I thought I loved Josh. I did love him, Jesse, at least some of the time we were together. And when he cut me loose, in public, it was really painful. I guess I didn’t want to be a part of putting someone else through that. That’s why I went to see Elle.”
With every word she said, I only admired her more. She was so fucking strong and she didn’t even know it. I turned her to face me. I wrapped her in my arms and lowered my head until my forehead touched hers. “You’re a sweetheart, Katie Bloom.”
She took a breath, maybe in surprise, maybe to say something, but I kissed her before she could. Long and deep, until my toes fucking curled. When she drew away and bit her lip, I said, “Been waiting to do that all day.” Which was an understatement. Kissing her was all I’d wanted to do since she walked out in L.A..
I admired her for sticking to her principles, for fighting for who she was, even though it hurt like hell watching her walk out the door.
“Jesse.” She pulled back a bit, but held onto my arms. “I’m sorry for how I left. I just needed some room to breathe, to figure out how I feel.” She shook her head and let me go, taking a step away. “No, that’s not true.” She crossed her arms over her stomach. “I know how I feel. I know exactly how I feel. I just… I couldn’t stand it any longer not knowing how you feel.”
Right.
I pretty much got that by now, and I knew what I wanted to say. But the words didn’t come fast enough and she turned away.
“You know what your friends say about you? ‘Jesse’s not one to talk about his pain.’”
I tried to smile. “Yeah.” I rubbed at the back of my neck the way I did when I was nervous. I didn’t do it much, but this girl had my guts in knots. “I guess I’m kind of an asshole that way.”
“You’re not an asshole, Jesse. Don’t make jokes.”
“I’m not joking. You wouldn’t be the first woman to run for the hills when I wouldn’t open up, Katie. I guess I’m shit at opening up.”
She came closer, looking up into my face like she was searching for clues. Shit. Was I really that hard to read? “But you write all those songs about the most intimate things. What’s the difference?”
“The difference is I write the music. Jessa and Zane and Raf write the words.”
“But you sing them.”
“Yeah. I sing them.” I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her close. “I’m good at that.” I kissed her lightly and she softened against me. Then I drew away, taking a steadying breath. “Please tell me you’ll come to the show tonight,” I whispered.
“Jesse…”
“Katie.” I held her tight so she wouldn’t pull away. Then I took another breath and dug deep for the words. “I want you there with me. I hated playing those last three shows without you. It felt… wrong.”
She blinked at me, her cheeks flushed, but slowly shook her head. “I told you. I can’t just follow you around while you work. It’s not enough for me.” She stared into my eyes. “I just need you to understand. To not hate me for needing more than all the amazing things you’ve given me. For understanding why it’s not enough.”
“I do understand.”
I did, to the marrow of my bones.
She wanted more, but she wasn’t asking for it either. Maybe she was afraid I’d never give it? Which was insane, because I’d give this girl the fucking world.
“It’s just not who I am, Jesse. It will kill me inside, bit by bit, and I’ll end up resenting you, and myself. I just…” She took a deep, fortifying breath. “I changed who I was, for Josh, and then he left me.”
So that was it? She thought I was gonna use her up and spit her out, dump her by the roadside?
No fucking way.
I leaned in and whispered in her ear, “So what if you weren’t just following me around?”
I couldn’t hold back my grin. I was fucking dying to lay this on her. It was pretty much the business proposal I should’ve offered her from day one, if only I’d known about her talent.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what if you were working?”
“Your paid escort again? No thanks.” She smiled a little and poked my chest. “Don’t get me wrong. The job has its perks. But I won’t respect either of us in the morning, ever again.”
I laughed and Katie grinned. God, I loved that grin.
I lifted her off her feet and kissed her again. When I set her down, looking adorably flushed, I said, “What if I told you the band wants you to do our art work?”
She gave me the most twisted, skeptical look I’d ever seen on her face and blinked her blue-greens at me. Several times. “Dirty?” she said in a small voice.
“Yeah, Dirty.”
“What do you mean? Why?”
“Why?” I shook her a little by her sweet hips. “Because your work is fucking awesome.”
She stared at me.
“It would mean a big contract. Enough to keep you going, and keep you busy. We need it all. Album covers, website graphics, clothing, stage backdrops, you name it. We’re talking about a total reworking of our image for our next album, which we’re about to record, and the new tour. It’s our tenth anniversary tour. It will mean a ton of exposure.”
Katie looked dumbstruck. Awestruck. Completely what the fuck struck.
“But… are you sure? This is what the band wants? I mean… they’re not just agreeing to this because they think I’m your girl?”
“Yes, it’s what they want. We had a conference call about it while you were on the plane.”
She blinked at me again. “And Elle too?”
“Yes, cherry pie. Elle too. Last I checked, she was in the band.”
She shook her head, like she couldn’t fucking believe it. “But… they haven’t even seen my work.”
“Actually,” I said, “they have.”
CHAPTER 38
KATIE
Jesse wouldn’t tell me where the fuck we were going. By the time we got there I was bouncing around in the passenger seat like a dog.
He parked us in front of a long, white two-story building in a commercial neighborhood, just a few blocks from Devi’s office. The building was free-standing and took up half the block.
He let us in with a key and disabled the alarm.
Inside was a big, open room with a small kitchen built into one corner. There was a set of stairs to a loft above and a big skylight streaming light down in the center. It was clean and empty—except for my paintings, the ones I stored in Becca’s basement, leaning against one wall. A few of them were propped up on easels too.
All my unfinished paintings. Because I never finished anything anymore.
I hadn’t finished a single painting in the last two years.
I walked over and started flipping through the canvases that were leaning against the wall. They were all in here; everyone I loved, or had ever loved. My parents, my sister, my brother-in-law and the kids. Devi. Some of my other friends. The paintings, while portraits, were experiments in texture, color and emotion. No two paintings had quite the same style, but the aesthetic was always my own, something I’d been exploring before I pretty much gave up on it.