C: Yes, you are. You pretend like you’ve accepted it, but you haven’t. You’re such a hypocrite!
D: No, I’m not!
C: What about this girl? Does she know?
D: Yes. Not that it’s any of your business.
He stared at Cori angrily.
C: That’s something. Tell me about her.
D: She’s… nice.
C: Oh, please! You can do better than that. What’s she studying?
Daniel didn’t reply.
C: Come on – what’s the big mystery?
D: Music.
C: What?
D: She’s a music major. A singer.
C: Jesus. You are one sick bastard.
D: Why?
C: Because you’re a masochist. You’re such a fool – always wanting what you can’t have. Look at you, hiding away, pretending you’re like them. You’re not and you never will be. We’ve been over and over this shit. Quit hiding away what you are!
“What am I, Cori? What the fuck am I then?” he asked angrily.
She sat and glared at him.
C: A coward.
He stood up suddenly and shook her arm off when she tried to stop him.
“No. Fuck you! You don’t get to tell me how to live.”
He threw some bills down on the table, then strode out of the diner.
* * *
Lisanne was deep into her book on the history of sonatas when she heard a knock at the door. Kirsty looked up from her laptop where she’d been Googling Clifford Coffin.
“You expecting someone, Lis?”
“Not really,” she replied, swinging herself off of the bed. “But it’s probably MJ from my History of Composition class – she mentioned wanting to borrow my notes.”
Lisanne pulled open the door and found Daniel standing there, looking upset and agitated.
He didn’t speak, just pulled her into a tight hug, and rested his head against her neck.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” she said, stroking his hair.
Of course, he didn’t reply.
She waited until he seemed calmer, then pushed him away gently and repeated her question when he could see her face.
“I’m sorry, baby. I know you’re studying and shit, but…” he ground to a halt when he saw Kirsty frowning at him from above her laptop.
Lisanne looked over her shoulder and Kirsty’s eyes dropped to her computer, although the way she sucked her teeth was audible to Lisanne.
“I’ll get my jacket,” said Lisanne, quietly.
She followed Daniel down the stairs, and was surprised and pleased when he took her hand.
“Where do you want to go?”
He looked down for a second.
“Do you mind if we just go to the cafeteria and grab a coffee?”
“No, that’s fine. Are you okay?”
He shrugged, but his expression told her that he wasn’t.
When they’d got their coffee and were sitting opposite each other, Lisanne reached out and touched his wrist.
“What’s the matter?”
Daniel leaned back in his chair and scrubbed his hands over his face.
“I met a friend for lunch – an old girlfriend.”
Lisanne felt a shiver run down her spine. That was the ‘stuff’ he mentioned in his text? What was coming next?
“Okaaay,” Lisanne said, carefully.
Daniel gave her a lopsided smile.
“We haven’t dated for like two years, Lis. She went to my old school.” He looked around to see if there was anyone near enough to overhear them. “The deaf school.”
Lisanne nodded, still unsure why meeting an old girlfriend had upset him so much.
He took a deep breath.
“She… she said I was being a coward – by not telling anyone about myself.”
Lisanne’s intake of breath was sharp.
“She called you a coward?”
He nodded unhappily.
“That’s ridiculous!”
Daniel gazed at her warily, and Lisanne took both of his hands in hers.
“You are the bravest person I know.”
He looked doubtful.
“You are! You’re sweet and funny and kind and so strong. The way you stood up to my dad – that was… that was… you’re amazing and wonderful and so brave.”
Daniel ducked his head down, embarrassed by her effusiveness.
“Fuck!” he managed to say, made incoherent by her words. “You left out ‘awesome in bed’.”
Lisanne raised an eyebrow.
“That goes without saying!”
Daniel smirked at her.
“Still like hearing it.”
“Fine. You’re awesome in bed. Happy now?”
He smiled wistfully.
“I guess. It was just such a fucking kick in the guts. She said I haven’t come to terms with being… what I am. I don’t know – maybe I haven’t. It really sucks.”
“Your friend, when did she lose her hearing?”
Daniel shook his head. “She was born deaf.”
Lisanne couldn’t help thinking, So she doesn’t know what she’s missing. But it was too cruel to say out loud. And she was aware that some of her angry feelings toward this girl were because she’d been Daniel’s girlfriend. Not just one of his random women, but someone he’d dated in high school. More than that – someone who’d been there as his deafness became more pronounced, and when his parents had been killed. How could she compete with the closeness that came from all of those important shared experiences?
“Well, she’s wrong. About you. And if I ever meet her…”
Lisanne left the threat of potential mayhem hanging in the air.
Daniel tried to smile, but a sigh left his lips instead.
“I don’t know. Maybe she’s right. I haven’t really stayed in touch with anyone from my old school. Just her. I don’t have any deaf friends. I mean, who am I kidding, right?”
Lisanne bit her lip.
“Daniel, I don’t really know anything about this – it’s all new to me. But maybe you should talk to someone about it?”
“You mean a shrink?” he snarled, his temper sparking instantly.
“No,” said Lisanne patiently. “I was thinking of Dr. Pappas, actually. But counselors help lots of people. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy.” She rolled her eyes. “Seriously, it could help just to talk it through.”
“I am talking it through,” he said, testily.
Lisanne frowned. “I meant with someone who understands what you’re going through.”
Daniel scowled. “Whatever.”
Lisanne crossed her arms.
“For goodness sake! I can’t say anything right, can I? I just don’t feel like I’m enough to talk to you about this.”
His expression softened at once. “Sorry, baby doll. It’s been a bad day and a really shitty weekend.”
Lisanne reached out and stroked the back of his hand.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, gently. “Seeing you stand up to my folks was pretty great. Definitely the highlight of my weekend.”
Daniel didn’t return her smile. “I meant what I said,” he replied, his face serious.
“I know. I spoke to my mom this morning. She was pretty impressed.”
“Yeah?” he said, his face lightening immediately.
“And she agrees with me – she thinks you’re cute.”
Daniel laughed. “Okay, weird enough.” Then he changed the subject. “You want me to drive you to your rehearsal tomorrow night?”
“Um, no, that’s okay. But could you pick me up after? We should be finished by ten.”
“Sure, baby.”
They chatted for a while longer, then reluctantly agreed that they had a ton of homework to get on with.
Daniel walked Lisanne back to her room, then kissed her until she was giddy before waving her goodbye.
Kirsty was still glued to her laptop, but glanced up when Lisanne walked in.
; “Everything okay in Wonderland?”
Lisanne was taken aback by Kirsty’s sarcasm, and immediately her desire to defend Daniel bubbled up, molten and hot.
“It is now,” Lisanne snapped. “Why are you so down on Daniel?”
“I’ve told you,” Kirsty shot back.
“Look, he stays away from whatever his brother does. He doesn’t have anything to do with it.”
“So you admit that the brother is… involved.”
“I don’t admit anything! I met him once for about five seconds – that’s all. But I do know Daniel.”
“You’re taking an awful lot on trust, Lis,” said Kirsty, more quietly.
“Yes, I am.”
Kirsty sighed.
“Look, my dad’s a lawyer so I know how this works. If his brother is dealing, the fact that Daniel is living with him and there are drugs there, that could make him criminally liable. And if he’s seen his brother selling drugs, Daniel could be charged based on probable cause. At the very least, he’s an accessory after the fact, and if he doesn’t tell the police, they could say he’s obstructing a police investigation. I’m assuming he’s smart enough to deny any knowledge…”
She stopped when she saw how pale Lisanne looked. She stood up immediately, and walked over to give her a big hug.
“I’m sorry, sweetie, really I am. Just… just promise me that you won’t go to Daniel’s house.”
Lisanne sat down heavily.
“I don’t think that will be an issue. I went there once weeks ago, but he hasn’t taken me there since. He hasn’t said anything except that it’s not a good idea.”
Kirsty let out a deep sigh.
“Well, that’s something. Look, you know I don’t totally buy Daniel’s good guy act, but I’d have to be blind not to see how much he cares about you. You’ve really done a number on that boy, Lis. I’m just saying be careful. Okay?”
Lisanne nodded slowly.
“I know. Thanks, Kirsty.”
Kirsty’s words revolved around in Lisanne’s head for most of Sunday night, leaving her tired and grumpy when she woke up the next day.
She dragged her way through her classes and didn’t even have the relief of catching up with Daniel at lunch. He’d texted her to say he was involved in some tutorial thing and he’d see her at the Blue Note that evening.
Lisanne sighed. At least she had the rehearsal to look forward to, and what with the next gig coming up at the weekend, they needed as much practice as they could get.
She struggled through her American Folk Music class, and nearly fell asleep in her pasta when she ate her dinner alone in the cafeteria. Then she stood at the bus stop, dozing, until her ride rumbled up and carried her downtown to West River Street.
The Blue Note still looked like a dive, but at least it was familiar.
Mike opened the door for her, his laconic face almost cracking a smile. He was a different person when he was playing his drums – wilder, less restrained. Lisanne understood that – she felt the same when she sang; or rather, singing affected her in the same way.
By 10 PM, she was exhausted but feeling happier.
Thank goodness the rehearsal had gone so well – she’d definitely been in need of some good news after the intensity of the weekend.
Roy picked her up and swung her around.
“You’re our lucky charm, baby girl! Things sure been goin’ our way since we met you.”
Lisanne was laughing and trying to wriggle free when they both heard a snarling voice behind them.
“Put her the fuck down!”
Roy let Lisanne slide free and then turned to frown at Daniel, who was standing with his hands fisted, an expression of fury on his face.
“You talkin’ to me, Dan?” said Roy, his voice dangerously quiet.
Daniel ignored him and spoke to Lisanne. “You coming or not?”
“Um, okay,” she said, quickly. “I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
The guys nodded, all except Roy, who was still standing in a defensive position.
Lisanne hurried after Daniel, who was stomping through the club, anger rippling from him. She grabbed hold of his arm, forcing him to stop.
“What’s wrong? Why did you yell at Roy like that?”
“Isn’t it fucking obvious?”
“Not to me.”
He took a deep breath.
“I didn’t like how he was touching you. And you let him!” he said, accusingly.
Lisanne was stunned. He was jealous?
“Daniel, you know Roy’s like that with everyone. He practically breaks my ribs every time we get good news.”
He met her eyes, his face relaxing slightly.
“Good news?”
“Yes, we’ve got the gig at the Down Under in three weeks.”
He dragged his hands through his hair and looked apologetic.
“It’s this place,” he said at last. “Being here makes me a little crazy.”
Lisanne felt horrible and selfish for making him come to the club, just for the piercing reminder of what he’d lost.
Tentatively, she walked toward him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Sorry,” she whispered. “Sorry.”
He rested his forehead against hers. “Me, too.” After a moment, he looked up. “Come on, I’ll take you back.”
It was a short ride to the dorms but even so, Lisanne was chilled to the bone. Daniel had been right about needing a warmer jacket.
She shivered and he looked at her anxiously.
“You okay?”
“Just a bit cold. I’ll be fine. Do you want to come in? I could make you a coffee…”
“Will Kirsty be there?”
Lisanne smiled and shook her head. She knew exactly what he meant.
“No, she’s at Vin’s. Working on their business studies assignment.”
She raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled.
“Yeah, that thing’s a bitch.”
“So, you want to come in and… study?”
He grinned. “It’s kind of late for… studying.”
“But I promised you a coffee first – that should keep you awake for… studying.”
“Do you actually have any coffee this time?”
“I have no idea.”
Daniel shook his head, smiling. “You make a man an offer he can’t refuse, baby doll.”
Lisanne was pleased: that had been the general idea.
She walked in the front entrance, then met Daniel at her door as he snuck in through the fire exit. It felt wonderfully naughty and liberating, sneaking a boy into her room at night.
He caught her as soon as the door was closed and proceeded to kiss her thoroughly. Then she turned the tables and pushed him suddenly so he fell back onto her bed.
He laughed delightedly as Lisanne threw herself at him.
After that, there were no words.
Chapter 13
The following Saturday, Lisanne’s gig with 32o North went well.
The sound crew had done a really good job getting the balance right and the audience were enthusiastic.
Daniel stayed for the whole set, watching from the back with Kirsty and Vin. If it hurt him to be there, he didn’t show it.
When Lisanne came off stage, her makeup running with sweat, and her heart pounding from the adrenaline rush, he wrapped his arms around her.
“Proud of you, baby. You looked amazing up there.”
“I have to agree with Daniel,” said Kirsty, pulling Lisanne toward her. “You were awesome.”
Daniel smirked at her and Vin couldn’t help laughing.
“Well, she was!” said Kirsty, defensively.
Daniel lifted his hands, “Hey, not arguing with you!”
Lisanne rolled her eyes. “Honestly! You two!”
Vin gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “I agree with both of them – you were totally rocking, Lis. So, hey, look – I’ve talked them into holding a truce – and making a trip to the Island tomorrow
with a bunch of guys I know. You in?”
Lisanne blinked at Daniel, who was holding back a small smile.”
“You said yes?”
“Sure, baby doll. I thought you’d like it.”
“Wow! Of course I like it!” and she flung herself at Daniel, who caught her easily. “Thank you,” she whispered as she kissed him on the lips.
“What did you say?” he asked, frowning slightly.
“I said, thank you. Thank you for doing this.”
“Sure, no problem.”
Vin had given them a ride, so they all piled into his SUV to take Lisanne and Daniel back to the dorm room, and Kirsty to his frat house.
During the twenty minutes it took for them to drive back, Kirsty talked relentlessly about the ‘awesome’ party that Vin’s frat house buddies were organizing just before Thanksgiving.
“And it’s going to be so much fun to really dress up. The guys will be in tuxes, so that means something slinky for me. Lis, you totally have to come shopping with me.”
“I don’t know, Kirsty. You’re much better at that than me.”
“I know,” replied Kirsty, “I am the shopping queen. But you should come – it’ll be fun. Shopping plus food – what’s not to like?”
Daniel hadn’t caught any of the conversation because Kirsty was sitting in the front seat and he couldn’t see her mouth. And even if she hadn’t been, it was almost impossible to lip read in the low, flickering light of streetlamps, as they drove along the night-time roads. Instead, Daniel had been gazing out of the window, a distant look in his eyes.
“What?” he said, when Lisanne touched his knee. She spoke slowly and clearly.
“Kirsty wants me to go dress shopping with her.”
Daniel pulled a face.
“Some people like shopping,” Lisanne said gently.
“Whatever. Clothes are just to stop my ass from hanging out. They only have to fit.”
And he didn’t see or hear Kirsty’s dismissive snort either. Which was just as well. But then she leaned over the back of her seat.
“Hey, Lis, did I tell you I’m going to my grandmother’s in Suffolk for Thanksgiving? She always does an awesome lunch with apple-parsnip mash, and squash with cream and sage. Double yum! I’ll be like this huge afterward.”
She held her hands out to indicate an enormous belly.
Lisanne laughed.
“Yeah, my mom always does a big spread, too. We usually get loads of cousins dropping in – it gets a bit crazy and…”