“What are you thinking about?” Hayden asked me, tilting his head to the side.
His question snapped me back to the present, and thoughts of being on the track again fell from my mind. I didn’t want to talk to him—I wasn’t ready—but I didn’t really have a choice if he was going to be the money behind this operation, something I still wasn’t sure how I felt about. I didn’t want anything from him, but I needed him.
“Just absorbing this. I never thought I’d ride for Cox Racing again…”
Hayden smiled at hearing the wonder in my voice. His grin reminded me that I shouldn’t be opening my heart to him. He’d only smash it into a million pieces. “Look, I appreciate all you’ve done—all you and my father have done—but it doesn’t change anything. We’re still not okay.”
The smile fell from his face, and the grief in his eyes was almost too much to take. “I know, Kenzie. That’s not why I did this.” Pursing his lips, he amended his statement. “Well, it’s not the only reason I did this.”
He gave me a sad, wistful smile that twisted my heart so badly, I had to look away. That was when I realized that my father and sisters had disappeared into the garage, giving the two of us space. Seeing my father do anything even remotely supportive of my relationship with Hayden made me reconsider if I was truly awake. I had to still be on my couch, in some state of severe delirium that would probably get me committed when someone finally checked up on me. My life no longer made any sense at all.
“Kenzie,” Hayden whispered, stepping toward me. “I know I screwed up. I know I should have told you what I was doing, but I swear I didn’t do anything with—”
I interrupted his attempt at an apology with a raised hand. “You swear? You promise? You give me your word? That’s where all our problems started, Hayden. I. Can’t. Trust. You.” Biting my lip, I quietly added, “I can’t work with you either. I just…can’t. It would kill me. It does kill me…” Unshed tears clouded my eyes, hazing the beauty of his tortured face, and I prayed they didn’t fall. Not being able to see him clearly made things a tiny bit easier.
I expected an outburst from him, maybe a demand that I give him a racing spot since he was paying for everything. And he deserved a spot on the team, just on the merit of his talent. But I couldn’t come into work every day and see him. That was more than I could bear.
His fuzzy shape took another step toward me, and his voice was quiet when he spoke. “I know, Kenzie, and it’s okay. I never expected you to… I’ll find someone else to hire me. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’m just glad I could do this for you. Making you happy was all I ever wanted. I just… I wish I’d been better at it.”
Just as I was wishing that he’d been better at it too, I felt him lean down and place a soft kiss on my lips. The tears broke free as the feeling of his mouth on mine reduced me to a pile of emotional goo. How would I ever recover from him?
He pulled away after a short eternity, his breath quicker. “Goodbye, Kenzie,” he whispered in my ear. Then he kissed my cheek, and walked away.
***
CHAPTER 20
~Kenzie~
The first thing I did to commemorate the re-opening of Cox Racing was remove the For Sale sign in front of the garages. From what Nikki told me that night, Keith was in a rampage when he heard about the deal I’d made with Hayden and my father. He’d thrown things across the garage, then started clutching his chest like he was having a heart attack. Convinced he was about to die, he’d had one of his guys take him to the hospital. He wasn’t in cardiac arrest, though, just angry and bitter; he really needed to deal with his feelings better. The doctor had prescribed yoga and a calming hobby like painting or gardening. Somehow, I didn’t see Keith doing any of those things.
The next thing I did was overnight a new sign and have the old Benneti-only one removed. Keith had again blown up at his staff, but then he’d grabbed some golf clubs and sulked off the track. Guess he was actually trying to follow his doctor’s orders.
My life was now a blur of activity. With only a month and a half to get everything up and running, and to get my body back into peak performance before the last race in New Jersey, I felt wholly unprepared. But I didn’t care. I was racing again.
As I soon discovered, there was a plus side to being mind-numbingly busy. The rush of plans and preparations helped temporarily patch the hole in my heart that Hayden’s absence had created. But, busy as I was, I wasn’t entirely fooling myself, and I knew the grief would catch up to me as soon as I rested. My solution was to never be at rest, and since my dream was back on track and I had too much to do anyway, it was pretty easy to avoid the thoughts that caused me pain.
“So, Dad, did you contact John?”
John Taylor was Dad’s old crew chief. He’d been pretty upset with Dad for closing the business like he had, and they hadn’t spoken much since they’d parted ways. I needed him though. He’d been Dad’s mechanic back in the day, and he had a tremendous amount of experience. His help would be invaluable—assuming he would talk to us.
Dad frowned. Not a good sign. “He answered, then hung up when he realized it was me. I called back and left a message, but it might be better if you talk to him.”
Of course. I should have realized that from the beginning. Dad burned bridges wherever he went, or so it seemed. Things were slowly getting better between us—there was just too much pain there for any sort of instant forgiveness—but I couldn’t wait around for John to forgive Dad. I needed him by my side now. “Great. Guess I’ll add that to the to-do list.”
Dad started to apologize, but I held my hand up to stop him. We were in a falling-apart, nearly-empty building. I had no crew, no riders but me, and little to no equipment. My plate was overflowing, and I didn’t have the energy for a meaningful conversation with Dad. My fragile heart couldn’t take it right now—I needed more time. “It’s fine. While I’m taking care of that, will you find out what I need to do to get signed up for the race?”
I could see the debate in his eyes before he spoke, and, when he did, his words were tempered with patience. He was trying at least. “This is up to you, of course, but have you considered holding off until next season? You won’t accomplish anything with one race, Mackenzie. Why rush this?”
I’d been expecting that question from him, so I wasn’t too surprised. “I’ve missed an entire year of racing, Dad. I won’t miss another second.” If my only accomplishment this race was being in it, that was enough for me.
Dad opened his mouth, then shut it and remained quiet. His willpower impressed me, and a small smile cracked my lips. I don’t think he’d ever bit his tongue with me. Dad grinned in response to my smile, then shook his head in amusement. Baby steps.
Just as I was turning from Dad to head up to the office above the garage, Nikki crashed through the door and slammed it shut behind her, a completely unnecessary act since the garage doors were rolled up and wide open. “Nikki? What are you doing? Is everything okay?”
Nikki had her back flush to the door, like she was holding it closed against gale-force winds. “Yeah…no…I’m not sure.”
Stepping toward her, I asked in a rush, “What happened?”
Closing her eyes, she let out a big exhale. “I told Keith I quit. He freaked out on me, which I expected, but then he started chanting like a he was a monk or something.” When she reopened her eyes, they were wide with concern. “I’m not entirely sure what that means, but my guess is he’s about to bust down the doors and drag me back over there.”
I smiled over her assessment of Keith’s mental state. “You quit?” Her confession touched me. I hadn’t had time to ask her about joining the team yet. And, to be honest, I’d been a little nervous to bring it up. Just because Cox Racing was back, didn’t mean it was stable and unbreakable. She had a good, secure job now—even if it was for Keith. Asking her to give it up was just hard.
Nikki smiled, like she completely understood my reaction. “Yeah…I can’t be a Benneti if Cox Raci
ng is alive again. And besides, you’re going to need me for Jersey,” she said, lightly flicking my arm.
Feeling like everything was falling into place, I pulled her away from the door and encased her in a warm hug. Then I pulled her over to my dusty Ducatis. “I don’t have tools or equipment yet, but do your best.”
Raising an eyebrow, she gave me a very droll expression. “And what exactly do you expect me to do without any tools?”
It was a valid question, and one I didn’t have an answer for. “You’re a genius. You’ll figure something out.”
Nikki rolled her eyes while a wave of uncertainty went through me. Hayden had paid for the building, gotten Cox Racing out of debt so it could be revived, but he didn’t have an endless supply of cash. I’d had enough to buy the basics needed to race—tires, gas, small parts, basic screwdrivers and wrenches, but it wasn’t enough. Not by a long shot. I’d worry about it later though. I had to, because there was too much to do now.
The very next afternoon, a solution arrived on my doorstep, and it wasn’t one I’d been expecting. “Hookup? What the hell are you doing here?” And how did he get in? Damn, I really needed to patch the hole in the fence.
Looking uncomfortable, Hookup shifted his feet. “I’m going by Tony now. I left that shit behind.” The look on my face must have been disbelief. Raising his hands, he said, “I swear, I’m done, Kenzie. There’s more important things in life than money…”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but he hadn’t really answered my question. “I agree with you, but what does that have to do with me?”
Hookup looked around my mostly empty garage. “Hayden told me you were hurting for equipment. Write me a list of what you need, and I’ll get it for you.”
Indignation was the first emotion that hit me. No, that wasn’t true. Hurt came first. Hearing Hayden’s name ripped open a raw seam in my heart. The surge of pain was nearly incapacitating, so I focused on anger instead. It helped contain the flood. “I can’t have stolen stuff, Hookup. This is a legitimate business, and it has to have fully paid-for merchandise. Receipts and everything.”
Hookup gave me a look that was laced with strained patience. “It’s Tony. And I was talking about legally purchased material. I told you…I gave that shit up.”
It was hard to believe. How could he have changed so much in such a short amount of time. But if he was serious… “Why would you help me?”
Frowning, and looking uncomfortable, he scratched his head. “Hayden’s been living with me, you know.” He paused, waiting for me to acknowledge that fact, but I couldn’t. I was too stunned to respond. Of course Keith wouldn’t let Hayden remain living with him after quitting the team, but…Hayden had picked Hookup as a replacement? I thought for sure he’d bunk with Felicia.
Hookup shrugged when I didn’t speak. “Anyway, I told him the other night that I wanted to start living better—like he was—and he gave me ideas on how I could do that. I wronged you, so I feel like…like I owe you.”
He’d tried to sabotage my bike, something that could have killed me. Yeah, I supposed he did owe me. He owed a lot of people. A part of me couldn’t forgive that fact, but another part of me wanted to give him a second chance. If he really had changed his ways, I didn’t want to send him backpedaling to his old life by rejecting him. Antonia and Izzy needed him to be a better man.
“Okay, let me make you a list.”
Three days later, the once-empty Cox Racing garages were full of everything I might possibly need. Even the upstairs gym was full of training equipment. I couldn’t believe Hookup had actually pulled through. And Hayden. His influence in all of this was all-too apparent. It made the fact that I hadn’t seen him in almost a week that much harder. But it had to be this way. It couldn’t get easier if it wasn’t difficult first. Somehow that thought wasn’t as comforting as it should have been.
My life was a storm of preparations, but whenever I wasn’t at the Cox garages, desperately trying to get everything ready in time, I was at the hospital, trying to keep Izzy’s spirits up. Antonia was still there, still fighting. It seemed like every morning the doctors were hopeful that her numbers would be on the rise soon, then that evening they were surprised and disappointed when nothing had changed. It was beyond frightening now.
Visiting Izzy made me uneasy. I couldn’t stop myself from scanning every nook and cranny when I entered the hospital, like I was afraid Hayden was going to jump out at me at any moment. I’d managed to avoid running into him so far, but I wasn’t trusting my luck to always be with me, and I wasn’t sure what I would do if I saw him again—when I saw him again. Thank him for giving me my old life back? Beg him to be a part of it? Curse him for hurting me, for lying, for gambling, for risking his life…for cheating on me?
Just thinking about that conversation tied me in knots. That was why I hadn’t responded to any of his texts, hadn’t picked up the phone when he’d called, hadn’t listened to his voicemails. I just couldn’t handle it right now, and I prayed every day that he kept giving me space and didn’t just show up on my doorstep, begging me to talk to him. There was no point talking. I couldn’t trust him, so we were done.
When I peeked into Antonia’s room, only Izzy was sitting beside the bed, holding her daughter’s hand. A quick sigh of relief escaped me, but it was instantly squelched by the sight of the small, sick child flooded in the orange glow of the fading daylight.
Antonia was awake, and frowning at her mom. She looked annoyed, and I took that as a good sign. Irritation had to be better than exhaustion. “I want to go home, Mom. Please? I haven’t seen Sundae in forever.”
Izzy sighed, like she’d heard this a million times already. “I know you want to, honey, but the doctors need to make sure you’re okay first, and you’re still not—” Izzy spotted me walking into the room, and her objection trailed off in a wide smile. “Hey, you. How’s the business going? Tony told me he sent your new equipment over.”
Walking around to the other side of Antonia’s bed, I shook my head at Izzy. “I still can’t believe he did that. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up, and everything’s going to be gone.” Again.
Izzy’s warm smile shifted to her daughter. “He’s changed…he’s finally changed.” She slicked back Antonia’s short, newly grown hair, and I knew what she was thinking. Tony had finally grown up because Antonia had been on the brink. Could still be on the brink. Her frail body had been through so much already. But no, she’d make it through this. She had to.
Sitting down, I placed my hand on Antonia’s arm. “Hey, kiddo. You done being in here yet?”
Antonia groaned and rolled her eyes, just like any normal kid. “Yes, but Mom won’t let me leave.”
With a small laugh, I told her, “You just keep trying. Eventually, you’ll wear her down.”
Pursing her lips at me, Izzy mumbled, “Thanks.” But then she smiled, and I knew she was actually looking forward to every single complaint that came out of Antonia’s mouth.
A small knock on the doorframe met my ear, and I looked up before I could stop myself. Standing there, leaning against the frame, holding a bouquet of flowers, was Hayden. Seeing him again punched a hole straight through my chest, ruining any amount of healing I’d managed so far. His dirty-blond hair was scruffed to perfection, but his jaw was layered with a thick amount of stubble now, like he’d completely given up on shaving. The fading sunlight caught his eyes, making the green gems gleam as they locked onto mine. I saw such a mixture of pain, happiness, and hope in his gaze, that I felt my chest compress and my lungs seize. All my internal systems froze at the sight of him, and I was suddenly dizzy, lightheaded, and a little delirious, like I hadn’t eaten in days. Why today? Why now? I’m not ready.
His smile suspiciously casual, Hayden stepped into the room. “How are all my favorite girls doing tonight?” he asked.
I wanted to scoff at his remark, but hearing him say it hurt so badly, I couldn’t. Turning to Antonia, I leaned down and k
issed her forehead. “I gotta go, but I’ll come back tomorrow and check on you, okay?”
She frowned, either unhappy that I was leaving, or that she might be here another day, but then she nodded. “Okay, Aunt Kenzie.”
Her term of endearment warmed me, but not enough to make me stay. I couldn’t. Shifting my gaze Izzy’s way, I told her a quick goodbye, then prepared to storm from the room. Hayden, of course, wasn’t about to let me slip away that easily. “Kenzie, wait.”
I didn’t. I slipped away from his extended hand, and darted out the door. I could hear his boots as he immediately followed me. “Wait, please.” Bitterness surged through me at hearing his words. Wait? Why should I wait when he couldn’t be honest? That was all I’d asked for—honesty. I quickened my pace, but it wasn’t enough. His firm hand closed over my arm, pulling me back to him. No.
I spun to face him, and the sudden, unexpected movement crashed our bodies together so his rock-hard chest was firmly pressed against me. I instantly took a step back, but not before the memory of our bodies tangled together rushed through my mind. Sadly, I really missed him, and now that he was right in front of me, mere inches away, the grief was too much. While just a few moments before, every organ inside me had felt like solid ice, now everything was raging like a river released from a dam, flooding the world in agony.
Yanking my arm away, I spat, “Don’t touch me.”
He instantly raised his hands. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you to leave like that. We can still…talk, Kenzie. You don’t have to run from me.”
His eyes were laced with pain and sadness, but it was the lingering hope I saw deep within them that killed me. There was no hope for us, and the sooner he realized that, the better. “We can’t be friends, Hayden. We never could be friends. We were rivals, then competitors, then lovers…” My mind spun with images of his hands, his lips, his mouth. “We were never friends…”