Fuck. I’d really done it. I’d quit…I wouldn’t be racing anymore. Would anyone else hire me? Was my track record enough to compensate for all the negative gossip that had swirled around me last year? Would Keith spread rumors about me, making me un-hirable, like Jordan had done to Kenzie? Was my dream over too?
Shoving those worries to the back of my brain, I followed Rodney to his pickup truck. It was covered in dry dust, like he’d been squirreling around in the desert. Sounded like fun. A lot more fun than losing everything. As I opened the door and slipped inside the messy interior, a stray thought about Felicia floated through my mind. While I wasn’t surprised she’d gone, I couldn’t believe she was running again. Izzy needed her right now. Izzy needed all of us right now, and as much as I needed to get my shit together, I needed to be there for her more.
As Rodney started the vehicle, I looked over at him. “Hey, would you mind taking me somewhere else instead? In San Diego? I’ll give you gas money,” I quickly added.
Rodney shrugged again, like it didn’t matter. “Sure. Where to?”
Gloom in my heart, I shifted my gaze to the windshield. “Children’s Hospital…”
“Oh, you got a sick kid there?” he asked, concern in his voice.
I had to swallow the knot in my throat. What if Felicia had been pregnant? What if she’d still run away, and I’d never gotten to meet my child? Turning to look at Rodney, I told him, “Yeah, I do.” Antonia was mine just as much as she was anyone else’s.
“Fuck, sorry, man. I’ll get you there quick.”
True to his word, we were there in thirty-three minutes. I handed Rodney some twenties, thanked him, then opened the door to get out. He leaned over the seat to talk to me. “Are you gonna need a ride back? I could…hang out? Wait for you?”
His offer was surprising. Maybe he wasn’t as much of a douche as I’d originally thought. “Nah, I’m good, man. I have family here.”
He nodded. “All right, well…I hope everything works out.”
Nodding, I shut the door. I did too.
As I walked down the halls, there was a dire mood in the air, lingering around every corner in sharp contradiction to the strategically painted, bright, cheery walls. Every inch of this place reeked with tension and sadness, and that feeling only amplified the closer I got to Antonia’s room. When I pushed open the partially closed door, sunshine filled the vibrant room. It made the tiny sleeping child on the bed look even more pallid, like a dark cloud was hovering over her. Izzy was gone when I got there, and shocking the hell out of me, it was Hookup who had taken her place beside Antonia. He looked awful, like he hadn’t slept at all.
He glanced my way when he heard me. “Hey, Hayden. Glad you’re back, man. Izzy ran home to take a shower and grab some stuff, but she should be back soon.”
“How’s Antonia doing?” I asked, moving over to stand beside him.
With a defeated shrug, Hookup wiped a weary hand across his face. “Don’t know. She’s been sleeping a lot, off and on. She just seems completely out of it…” He let out a stuttered breath. “It’s scaring the living fuck out of me, man. Even with all the shit she’s been through, it never occurred to me that she might die. I mean, she’s a kid…kids don’t die.” He examined my face like he was searching for confirmation.
I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him just how untrue that thought was. All of us had the same chance in life. Nature didn’t discriminate.
Hookup’s gaze returned to Antonia’s small form. “She can’t die…she just can’t. She won’t, right?” he said, looking up at me again. The hope in his eyes was almost unbearable. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to avert my eyes; he was clearly on the edge, and needing something to hold on to.
“She’s a strong girl. She’ll fight this with everything she’s got.” I just hoped it was enough.
Hookup seemed bolstered by my comment, though, and he smiled before looking back at his niece. “Well, when she does kick this thing’s ass, stuff’s gonna change. She and Iz…I’m gonna take care of them…like I should have been doing all along.” Glancing up at me, his expression turned somber. “You’re a good man, Hayden, looking after Izzy and Antonia all these years.”
I shook my head. “Taking care of her wasn’t hard. It wasn’t even a choice.” Love is a gift, not an obligation. I’d heard that once, and it had always rung true for me. It wasn’t a thought I could share with him comfortably, but I hoped he inferred it with my next comment. “She’s family, Hookup, same as you.”
He cracked a smile, and I thought maybe he finally did get it. Then he shook his head. “Don’t call me Hookup, anymore. I’m done with that shit. Call me Tony.” After he said it, his eyes once again drifted down to Antonia, his namesake.
“Okay, Tony,” I murmured, hoping he meant it. The life he was currently living would only end one of two ways for him—dead or in prison. Iz and Antonia deserved better. And…so did he.
After a few minutes of silence, Hookup looked up at me. “You and Kenzie…you really done?”
A heavy sigh escaped me as I sat on the corner of the bed. “Until I can convince her otherwise, yeah.”
“Fuck, man, I’m sorry.” His expression turned curious. “Are you and Felicia…?” He raised an eyebrow as he let his question die.
“No,” I said, firmly shaking my head. “We were over the day she left…nothing’s changed there.” He nodded, like he understood cutting ties.
Knowing I was going to need help for a while, and knowing I couldn’t reach out to Izzy—not with everything she was going through—I decided to open up to Hookup—Tony. “Hey, I know this is bad timing, but, um…I quit my job, got kicked out of my apartment, and lost my bike… I know I’m an ass for even asking, but I need a place to stay.”
I cringed as I finished my request, and felt like hiding in a very deep hole. Asking for help wasn’t exactly easy for me. Hookup’s eyes were huge as he stared at me. “Shit, man…I’m surprised you’re sober right now.”
A small laugh escaped me. “Yeah…me too.”
Hookup nodded. “Of course you can crash at my place. Stay as long as you like. And if you need a car…here…” Reaching into his pocket, he fished out his car keys and handed them to me. “Izzy gave Grunts a ride home when she left, and I’m…I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. House key’s on there too, so feel free to start moving shit in.”
“Thanks, Tony. That means a lot to me.” A small warm flicker of hope sparked inside my chest. At least one good thing had come out of all this shit. “I’ve got my phone on me, will you call if…if anything changes?” Hookup nodded, and I added, “Give Izzy a hug for me when she gets back. I’m sure she needs one.”
A wry smile cracked his lips as he nodded again. “Yeah…I will. Good luck moving your shit. I’d help, but…”
“No, you should be here. One of us should always be here…” Looking around, I noticed the Harry Potter book I’d been reading to Antonia on the nightstand. From where the bookmark was sticking out, I could see that she hadn’t finished it yet. She better be able to finish it.
Feeling my throat swell and my eyes sting, I hurriedly turned and left. It was all too much, too heavy, too real. Everything was crashing down around me, walls caving at every turn. But there had to be an escape route from this mess. There was always at least one…you just had to find it before you were crushed. Please, God, help me find it.
Once I located Hookup’s car in the parking lot, I headed home to start cleaning out my stuff. I probably shouldn’t have burned that bridge with Keith right before the final race of the season, but he’d crossed a line, messed with my life. It was for the best that we were cutting ties. I hoped.
Thankfully, Keith was still at the track when I got back to my apartment. When I got inside, I started stuffing shit into garbage bags, since I didn’t have any boxes. That was when I realized that a lot of my things were at Kenzie’s. We hadn’t officially moved in together—yet—but over the cou
rse of the year, small things had been left behind: clothes, toiletries, CDs, and other personal crap. There was a lot more of me at her place than there was of her over here at my place, that was for sure. The loss of evidence of her in my life struck hard as I cinched up the final bag of worthless junk. I should just leave it all behind, because what did any of it mean without her?
But maintaining some semblance of practicality, I trudged the bags down the stairs and shoved them into the backseat of Tony’s car. I’d regret it if I let Keith keep anything; I’d even packed the toilet paper.
Climbing back into the car, filled to the brim with most of my worldly possessions, made a dull ache go through me. This couldn’t be the way things ended. I couldn’t just drive to Tony’s and sit there useless and helpless, tail between my legs, licking my wounds until the storm broke. Not without at least trying to do something to change my fate. And there was only one thing I could think of left to try. It was a longshot, but it was better than doing nothing.
Instead of driving Hookup’s peppy little car back to San Diego, I headed toward Jordan Cox’s house, for one last-ditch effort to save my relationship. And maybe his own in the process.
My stomach clenched in anticipation as I drove up his driveway. With the adrenaline rushing through me, I felt like a race was about to start. Or a fight. Either way, I was geared up long before I knocked on Jordan’s door.
Unclenching my fingers while I waited for him to answer was surprisingly more difficult than I thought it would be. It didn’t help that Jordan flew to the door like he was expecting somebody. My hands were twisted in talon-like claws when the door suddenly opened.
Jordan filled the empty space so suddenly, I took a step back. “Mackenzie?” he said, eyes wide with hope. They dulled when they spotted me. Then they shifted to anger. “You. What do you want?”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I stared Jordan down. It took all my nerve; he was an imposing man. “You fucked up,” I told him. “And you’re about to lose your daughter because of it.” His cheeks turned a flaming red, and his mouth opened in rebuttal. I didn’t let him get the words out. Holding up a hand, I quickly stated, “I fucked up too. And I’m about to lose the woman of my dreams because of it.”
Jordan’s anger deflated. Surprisingly enough, I didn’t see any joy in his eyes at the mention of Kenzie and I being on the outs. Maybe he’d finally realized that losing her in the process of trying to get rid of me hadn’t been worth it. With a heavy sigh, I told him, “We both lost her. And there’s only one way we’re going to get her back.”
A tenuous spark of hope lightened Jordan’s weary face. “What way?” he tentatively asked.
“Can I come in?” I countered, indicating inside the house.
Jordan nodded, stepping back to let me through the door. As I crossed over the threshold, I was assaulted by memories of Kenzie. Inexplicably, her scent was all over the house, permeated into the walls from a lifetime of visiting and living here. Physical evidence of her was everywhere too; with each step I took, there seemed to be another picture or memento of her. Racing photos, family photos, trophies and medals. I wondered if Kenzie realized just how much of a shrine Jordan’s house was; her photo trumped her sisters’ photos two to one. Pride was thick in the air. If only Jordan had been able to express that feeling directly to Kenzie. She might not have felt so inferior around him, and neither one of us might be in the mess we were in.
Jordan led us to the living room, then sat down on a chair in front of a fireplace. He indicated a chair opposite him for me to sit, but I was too enthralled with a photo on the mantelpiece. It looked like Kenzie holding a baby, but I knew it wasn’t. Walking over, I picked it up. “Is this your wife?” I asked, trying to be as respectful as possible. Regardless of what was between Jordan and me, he’d lost someone incredibly important to him, and I understood loss.
As Jordan stared at the picture in my hands, myriad emotions ran through his eyes. “Yes. With Mackenzie. Vivienne died when she was very young…Mackenzie never even got the chance to know her.”
Nodding, I put the photo back. “I was a kid, too, when I lost my parents.”
Jordan’s gaze shifted to my face. “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sorry for your loss.” The words were clearly difficult for him to say.
I waved away his concern. “No, they didn’t die or anything; they were just douches who never wanted a kid in the first place. State stepped in, took me away from them.” Those words were hard for me to say, especially to him. I didn’t talk much about my parents. There was just no point digging at that scar.
Uncomfortable, I sat down in the chair he’d indicated. “I just…I know what you think of me, and maybe I deserve your judgement…but my life sucked from the start. I did the best with what I had, and every day I strive to do a little better. In the end, I think that counts for something.”
Jordan watched me with analyzing eyes, then he let out a soft sigh. “I suppose you’re right.” He cringed, like he hated admitting that.
Forcing myself to keep an even expression, I leaned forward and propped my elbows on my knees. “Kenzie means something to both of us, and we both dropped the ball while trying to make her life better. What we thought was better for her anyway.” Maybe we should have just left all of it alone, and let Kenzie find her own path. That probably would have been a hell of a lot smarter.
Shaking my head, I focused on the now and tried not to worry about the past. “Kenzie quit working for Keith.”
A small smile curved Jordan’s lips. “Yes, she told me.” He frowned. “And then she told me she never wanted to see me again.”
Sounded very familiar. “Yeah, she told me the same thing. But I think…I think there’s a way to change her mind. Or at least…a way to make things right.” She might not ever forgive us, she might not ever take us back, but we could set her up with something great before we let her go.
Jordan raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
I held my breath, then let it out in a rush. “You let me help you with the track.”
Jordan looked confused, then he frowned. “Are you asking me to sell it to you again? So you can give it to Keith? I already said no to that, and even after losing Mackenzie, I haven’t changed my mind.”
I shook my head. “No, I quit the team this morning. I’m done with Keith too. He’s not…he’s not a person I want to work for, and if that means I never race again…well, then I guess my career is over.” And somehow, I would be okay with that, if it meant Kenzie was back on a bike.
Splaying my hands out to Jordan, I said, “Sign the track over to Kenzie. I’ll use my cash to help with that…whatever you need. If the two of us work together, we can help her rebuild Cox Racing. We can give Kenzie the team, give her the track, give her the legacy she deserves. We can help her get her dream back, and, right now, that’s all that matters.” My dream could die, if it meant hers could live.
Jordan’s gaze drifted to the carpet as he considered my offer. After a few agonizing seconds, he returned his gaze to mine. “All right. I’ll help you.”
***
CHAPTER 19
~Kenzie~
I ended up spending the night at Nikki’s. Every time I thought about leaving, I found another reason to stay. Laughing over sappy movies with my best friend helped tame the pain, but it was there, waiting to attack when I woke up. My soul felt like I’d gone toe-to-toe with a heavyweight—everything hurt.
Nikki didn’t want to miss two days in a row, so I faked as big of a smile as I could. “I’m fine; you should absolutely go to work.”
She raised a suspicious eyebrow at me, but she nodded as she started getting ready. To go to work. To go see Hayden. To go see Felicia. Images of Felicia leaving the hospital, right after Hayden, slammed into my brain so hard my breath caught. Where had she gone? What had she done? What had Hayden done? Because there was no way in hell she hadn’t taken advantage of that moment and tried to slip into his arms. And I doubted Hayden h
ad pushed her away. Not after everything they’d gone through, everything they’d been doing lately. I wondered if he felt bad now, or if he felt like things were finally how they should be. Either way, he was an asshole; the sheets on my bed weren’t even cold yet.
“Hey, if you see…? Could you not…?” My insubstantial questions trailed off as indecision and torment overwhelmed me. If Hayden was with Felicia now, did I want to know? Or did I want to stay blissfully ignorant? And if, by some miracle, he wasn’t with her, and there was still some spark of hope for us…did I want to know that either? Which one was worse? I wasn’t sure anymore.
Nikki’s face softened as she studied my face. “I won’t say anything about…anything…to anyone. Even you.”
Grateful that she understood, I threw my arms around her in a quick hug. “Thank you, for everything.” Pulling back, I looked her in the eye. “You should talk to Myles. I’m sure he’s just as confused as you. Maybe you guys can figure it out together.”
She rolled her eyes, but nodded again. “Yeah… God, that conversation is going to suck.”
I laughed at her comment, then started grabbing my stuff. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you jumped his bones.”
Annoyance on her face, she tossed a couch pillow at me. “Bitch.”
I was laughing as I left her place, but the mirth didn’t last long. The closer I got to my house, the more the past infiltrated my brain. Everything reminded me of Hayden, even stupid stuff that shouldn’t have—the crack in the road that had been there for years, the crook in the tree in my neighbor’s yard, the oil stain in my driveway. Everywhere I turned, I was assaulted again and again by the man who’d broken my heart. The grief was slowly crushing me.
My eyes were filled with tears when I opened my garage and pushed my bike inside. Seeing my dusty Ducatis in the corner made the tears roll down my cheeks. They reminded me of racing, they reminded me of Dad, they reminded me of Hayden. All I saw now was pain when I looked at them. I should sell them both, rid myself of the reminders. Just the thought of following through with that made me feel nauseous though. Telling my father I could start over in a new field was one thing, actually doing it was another. Racing was all I’d ever wanted…