Guilt made me want to cringe, but his tone of voice annoyed the hell out of me. “I’m sorry about that, but Kenzie stopped by my place last night. I couldn’t exactly kick her out.”
Hookup didn’t look moved by my argument. “Sure you could have. You just chose not to. And because of that, I lost eight grand.”
“I’ll reimburse you,” I flippantly tossed out.
He nodded, like he was the one who’d suggested it. “Damn straight you will. You’ll also race again for me tonight.” Grunt made an agreeing sort of noise as he stared me down.
I looked between the two of them, annoyed. “I thought I had tonight off.”
Hookup crooked a smile. “You did, but now I have some cash to make up, so you don’t. And, word of advice…if you don’t want your girlfriend to know what you’re doing, come up with a better lie. See you tonight, asshole. We’ll be by later to get you.”
Great. Now I had a chaperone. “You don’t need to do that, Hookup. I’ll be there.”
“Sure you will,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
I was about to tell him where he could shove his sarcasm, when another person on a bike joined us. My heart started racing as I snapped my gaze over to see which one of my teammates had just busted me. A startling wave of relief hit me when I saw it was Felicia. Her dark eyes quickly scanned the scene, before focusing on me. “Something wrong here, boys?”
Oddly, her presence felt like backup. Maybe that was because she’d frequently been my shield against Hookup and his mood swings. “No. Hookup and Grunts were just leaving.”
Eyes locked on mine, Hookup gave me a disdainful sniff. “Yeah…leaving.” Shifting his gaze to Felicia, he said, “See you tonight, Felicia.”
My brows drew together in confusion when she responded, “Yep, I’ll be there.”
Not wanting to question her in front of Hookup, I waited for him and Grunts to walk out of earshot. They were heading for the back of the property, where their car must be waiting near the gap in the fence. Great. I hoped nobody had spotted and reported it.
When I was sure they could no longer hear me, I turned to Felicia. “You’re watching the race again tonight? Why?” Was that because of me? Did I want it to be because of me?
Her answer surprised me more than finding Hookup at my place of employment. “No, not watching. Entering.”
“Why the hell would you do that?” I snipped. My eyes drifted to the open gate leading into the interior of the track. I knew why I was risking it all, but why the hell would she?
Felicia’s quiet exhale drew my attention back to her. The expression on her face was sad, full of remorse. “You’re not the only one I need to make amends with, Hayden.” Her lips broke into a small, mischievous smile that brought back a lifetime of memories. “And Hookup is just about as stubborn as you. The only way he’d hear me out was if I raced for him. For free, of course.” She laughed after that, like it didn’t matter. To me, it seemed like the only thing that did…why else risk it?
“You’re not taking a cut?” I asked, dumbfounded.
Shaking her head, she said, “I’m not in it for the money.”
Didn’t she understand that what I was doing was dangerous for multiple reasons? “If you get caught…you’re done,” I stated, wanting her to get it.
“So are you,” she countered, her lips in an amused smile.
“It’s worth it to me.” Kenzie was worth it to me.
Felicia’s smile faded and seriousness blanketed her expression. “It’s worth it to me too.”
There was nothing I could say to that, and an odd but comfortable silence fell around us. I wanted to look away from her, head into the racetrack, but I found that I couldn’t move, couldn’t leave. The resemblance to Kenzie in her features was downright uncanny, but still, there was something about Felicia’s face that was uniquely hers. Memories of holding that face, of kissing every inch of it, of watching it morph into ecstasy, filled my mind. We’d experienced so much together, from such a young age. Sometimes it was so easy to forget the “now” around her, and fall into the past.
Felicia chewed on her lip while we stared at each other, then she said in a rush, “Hayden, I know you needed time, but maybe—”
I snapped back into the present so fast my head hurt. Holding up my hands, I backed my bike away from her. “I can’t, Felicia. It’s been a really fucked up day, and I just…I can’t…”
Remorse was in her eyes again, but she nodded like she understood. “Okay…I can keep waiting. That’s worth it to me too.”
Like I was fleeing, I turned my bike away from her and hurried to the inner gate. Encounters with Felicia lately were feeling too familiar. The barrier of anger I’d had in place for so long was beginning to fade the more she was around me. And even though I was a dick to her more often than not, I didn’t actually want to hurt her. I didn’t want to get close to her either. I just wanted to forget she was back and never see her again. But, of course, life wasn’t about to let that happen, and now we were teammates off the track as well as on the track. Fuck my life.
After practice, I headed over to Kenzie’s, to spend some quality time with her before I had to leave for the race. I really hated that I had to lie to her again about a sponsor party—and right after I’d promised to tell her the truth—but that was all I could think to tell her, and I knew it was something Keith would back me up on. I didn’t have a choice but to spout the lie, and it really fucking sucked. I felt shitty all the time, and feeling that way kind of made me want to avoid Kenzie.
Trying to keep things normal, I rang her doorbell with a peppy Christmas song. She opened the door with a smile, and relief poured through me like a flash flood. Thank God, she wasn’t angry, which meant she hadn’t found out something else in my absence; I really hated this tightrope I was walking.
“Hey, babe, you look amazing.” Wrapping my arms around her, I inhaled her sweet, salty scent. Her hair still faintly smelled of the ocean; she must have gone surfing today.
She laced her arms around my neck, and momentary peace filled me; the world was right when she was in my arms. Then she said something that broke the calm. “We going back to the track tonight? I’d really love to…do that again.” She let out a seductive giggle at the end of her sentence that made me want to ditch Hookup again. If Jordan wasn’t going to sell, then why the hell was I raising money? But I couldn’t bail on Hookup. He really would track me down if I didn’t show, and then I’d have things to explain to Kenzie that I just couldn’t explain.
“Uh…actually…you know that party that was rescheduled? Well, it’s tonight.” Fuck, let her believe me.
Kenzie’s arms around my neck stiffened, then she slowly pulled away to look me in the eye. Doubt was all over her face. She didn’t believe me, but she didn’t want to not believe me either. She was torn. We were both drowning in our own personal miseries. I’m trying to save us. I swear.
“Really?” she asked, and by the way her dark eyes were studying me, I could tell what she was really asking was—are you telling the truth?
No, I’m lying like a dog. Forgive me.
Swallowing a knot in my throat, I nodded. “Yeah…I’m sorry. I’ll talk to Keith, get him to ease up on the parties. You’re right, it’s getting ridiculous.” And pointless, since Jordan would rather see me behind bars than see me get his daughter racing again.
That seemed to satisfy her, and I prayed I could deliver. Hookup was obsessed with gambling, and unfortunately, he had me by the balls. He knew I didn’t want anyone to know about my nighttime activities; he knew his blackmail against me far outweighed what I had on him—which was basically nothing since he could easily tie me to the meager evidence I had on him for the bike tampering last year. I was clearly Hookup’s bitch now. All he had to do was threaten to tell Kenzie everything and I’d cave and do whatever he wanted. Fuck. Why couldn’t Jordan just pull his head out of his ass and sell the track to me? Then all this deceit could be over with.
“Oh…good. I hope he lets up on your schedule. I’d love to actually see you again.” Kenzie laughed as she said it, but I saw the hurt in her eyes, saw the tightness in her smile. She’d given up her dream for me, and I was failing her.
I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from confessing everything. Maybe I should confess my sins. It was over with Jordan, so what was the point now? But no…I couldn’t give up on Kenzie’s dream too. One of us had to stay strong. Jordan couldn’t hold out forever. And maybe there was still a way…
“What are you thinking about?” Kenzie asked, jolting me from my thoughts.
Knowing I couldn’t tell her anything real yet, I said something relatively close to the truth. “How amazing you look, sprawled out on your bed, wearing nothing but the ring I bought you.”
She twisted the silver ring with three looping, intersecting infinity symbols. Then she gave me a devious smile and started walking backward toward the hallway. “What time do you have to leave?” she asked, her voice low and sensuous.
God, I wished I could say never. “Not for a while,” I answered, my body already stiffening in response to her.
“Good.” She gave me a playful smile, then turned and dashed into the bedroom. It took me exactly three seconds to catch up with her, but when I did, half her clothes were already on the floor. I helped her get the other half off, then laid her down, wearing only her ring.
The silver shone in the bright lights of her bedroom. As beautiful as the infinity ring was, I knew I would be replacing it one day with a proper engagement ring. Something even better than what I’d had Hookup get for Felicia. Assuming Kenzie would still have me after all this was over with. And God I hoped she did, because she was who I wanted. She was the girl of my dreams.
I kissed her ring finger, sealing that unknown promise, and Kenzie’s gaze turned adoring. “I’m still mad at you,” she whispered.
“I know,” I murmured. She had every right to be, for more reasons than she realized. Her anger was something I would never hold against her.
Wanting to distract myself from my troubles, I kissed all the way down her bare body. When I worked my way up her smooth legs, Kenzie started squirming in anticipation. I was rock hard, ready to be inside her, but I owed her a little euphoria first. I slid my tongue between her legs. Kenzie cried out, one hand clutching the bed, the other clutching my hair. Desire shot through me so hard, I thought I might come just by listening to her.
Needing to make up for my sins, I slowly stroked and teased her, giving her as much pleasure as I possibly could. Within seconds, both of her hands were clenched in my hair, and her back was arching as a series of breathless pants shifted into one long moan.
I pulled away from her, letting her enjoy the orgasm, and she pulled on me, leading me back to her mouth. Her kisses were fast, hungry, like coming once hadn’t been enough for her. She was more aggressive than she usually was, nibbling on my lip, raking her nails down my back. It brought to mind other times…with someone else. Someone I shouldn’t be thinking about right now.
As my body throbbed with need, on the edge of exploding, Kenzie groaned in my ear, “God…that mouth…I’ll never get enough.”
Maybe it was guilt, maybe it was the passion I felt simmering off her, maybe it was desire-induced delirium, but Kenzie’s words made it impossible to forget the past, and Felicia suddenly filled every corner of my mind. Her husky voice saying those exact same words flooded my ears, while memories of her body bounced around my head, throwing me into confusion. I couldn’t keep thinking about my ex with Kenzie writhing beneath me, it was so wrong. But fuck, I’d never been this turned on before. If I could let it continue, just a moment longer…
Fingers wrapped around me, urging me inside. God, yes… Felicia’s dark eyes filled my vision—that hungry, needy look she’d get when she was climbing the walls she was so ready for me. And fuck, I was ready for her too.
I pushed my way inside, and even through the overwhelming bliss, a part of me wanted to stop, wanted to take a minute to pull my shit together and focus on who I was really with. But as our hips rocked together, all self-control left me. This felt too good…it was too much to resist, and I couldn’t redirect my thoughts. The fantasy pulled me under, swept me away…and I let it. Kenzie’s wavy hair tossed over the pillows became Felicia’s. Kenzie’s breasts under my fingertips became Felicia’s. And Kenzie’s erotic gasps quickly sending me to the edge were Felicia’s. God, I’d nearly forgotten how good she felt.
With the pleasure building higher and higher, I sped up my hips. I needed to come in her, needed to claim her, needed to make sure she never left me again. Felicia met me thrust for thrust, calling out my name. Then she stiffened beneath me, letting out a long, loud cry as she came a second time. Her body internally squeezing mine was too much, and the explosion hit me a split-second later. Fuck…Felicia…yes.
As the high wore off, realization hit me like sucker punch to the gut. What the fuck had I just done? My stomach churned with disgust as the memory of my fantasy roiled through me. I’d turned Kenzie into Felicia…and I’d loved it. Holy fuck. How could I have done that to her? And was that cheating? I had no fucking clue, but I knew I felt sick, so…it must be…in some strange way. Goddamn it, I was gonna throw up, but I had to act like nothing was wrong. Like it had just been great sex. With my girlfriend. And no one else. Shit.
I wanted to jump out of bed and bail on Kenzie I felt so wretched. But I couldn’t. I had to stay there and cuddle with her while my stomach churned and acid burned my throat. Jesus, I was a horrible person. And the fact that I had to leave Kenzie to go meet up with Felicia didn’t make my gut feel any better. I deserved to get caught.
Eventually it was late enough that I could leave Kenzie without suspicion. My heart wasn’t in it when I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She shouldn’t let me kiss her. “I gotta go, babe. I’ll see you tomorrow night?” Say no. Say you never want to see me again.
Twisting to her back, Kenzie gave me a warm, satisfied, untroubled smile. “Yeah.”
Flashing her a quick smile, I kissed her cheek again, then got out of bed. As I hurriedly dressed, I hoped I’d start feeling better once I was away from Kenzie. I didn’t. At all. That sick feeling stayed with me the entire time I waited out the evening at Hookup’s place, and as we drove to the event that night, it intensified so much I thought I might have to cancel. Hookup would kill me if I missed two nights in a row though. I had to do this.
It wasn’t long after arriving at the bike-lined street that I saw the object of my confliction. Helmet under her arm, Felicia was walking my way with a smirk on her lips and a sway to her hips. The memory of coming inside Kenzie with Felicia on my mind struck me so hard, I had to look away from her. Shit. This was not good.
“Hey Hookup, Grunts…Hayden. How are you boys doing?”
The low tone of her voice sent a shiver through me, and I flashed her a quick glance. Did she know? No…there was no way she knew. It wasn’t possible for her to be in my head. Thank God.
Hookup clapped her on the back, like everything between them was back to normal, like she’d never abandoned us. “Ready for this, girl?”
I could feel her smile on me as she answered. “Born ready. This is just like old times, right, Hayden?”
Fuck. Why did she have to bring up old times? I was trying to forget, not remember. Still not looking at her, I mumbled, “Right…old times.” Twisting away from them, I turned to my bike. I overheard Hookup explaining the road to Felicia, but I barely paid attention. I needed to dig the thought of her body beneath mine out of my head. That was a long time ago, and some things were better left in the past.
After a moment, I felt her presence directly behind me. With a slow exhale, I turned my head to look at her. A curious expression was on her face as she studied me, and I suddenly wished I could discretely shut the visor on my helmet so she couldn’t see my eyes. Erotic moans filled my ears, and I had to turn away again. “What is it?�
� she asked.
“Nothing,” I murmured, squatting to examine my tires.
“Bullshit,” she said. “That wasn’t a nothing look. You feel guilty about something.”
Closing my eyes, I cursed internally. She could still read me like a book, and I really hated that she could. Standing, I made myself face her. She might have been the vision in my head, but I’d still been making love to Kenzie. Not her. “Being here isn’t exactly good for my relationship, so yeah, I feel a little guilty.” About several things.
She tilted her head to the side in a familiar look of curiosity. “Then why are you doing this?”
Maybe it was the fantasy’s fault, but I could help answering her this time. “To get Kenzie’s life back. She gave up everything to be with me, and it’s not…it’s not right.” Pain squeezed my chest at admitting that.
Understanding lit Felicia’s eyes. “Ah, I see. The two of you make so much more sense now. You feel obligated to her.”
Heat boiled my veins, obliterating the guilt. “No, I don’t. I love her.”
She nodded, like she didn’t doubt that. “Sure…but overriding that is this…debt…you feel toward her. How long do you think you have before that feeling drives you absolutely crazy?”
She lifted an eyebrow in expectation, and I clenched my fists. “It’s not obligation, Felicia, it’s loyalty…something you wouldn’t know anything about.”
The heat in her eyes grew to match the anger I felt blazing under my skin. “You don’t know anything about my loyalty, Hayden. Because you’re too scared to find out.”
“Scared? You think I’m scared of you?” I seethed. “Hardly. Fine, Felicia. Tell me this huge secret that you think will instantly make me forgive you.” Even as anger coursed through my veins, my heart started thumping in anticipation. No…I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to forgive her. Especially after that fantasy…
Felicia opened her mouth while I willed her to stop. Thankfully, Hookup grabbed her arm before she could say anything. “All right, girl, you’re up!” His head swiveled from her to me, and his grin grew mischievous. “Did I interrupt something? You two need a moment before the race?”