by Mila Gray
‘You wouldn’t have slept with me, would you?’ she asks, ‘if I’d said I didn’t want to date you beyond these four weeks?’
I shake my head at her. So she figured it out. ‘No,’ I say.
‘Why?’
‘Because it wouldn’t have been fair to you,’ I say. ‘And then, selfishly, I knew that if I slept with you, then for the whole of the next year on post I would never have been able to get you out of my mind. I’d have just relived it over and over every second of every day. Which is what I’m going to be doing now anyway.’ I laugh ruefully at how much I’m going to replay this night. ‘But I would have been picturing some other lucky guy getting to have you, getting to come back to you every night. I didn’t want that. It would have been torture. To know you, to make love to you, and then lose you. I couldn’t do it.’
Jessa watches me for a few moments and I stare back at her. Then she leans down, her hair tickling my face. ‘You’re never going to lose me,’ she murmurs against my lips.
30
Jessa
Over the next few days, Kit and I steal every chance we get to make love. I can’t get enough of him and it seems he feels the same way, because we pretty much work through every position known to man. When I’m not with him I can still feel him, the lingering echo of his weight pushing into me, the imprint of him on my skin. Butterflies skirmish in my stomach just thinking about him. My mom makes more comments about how happy I look and I think she’s fishing for info. Didi begs for details, but I just grin and tell her it’s even better than they make it look in the movies.
I even manage to ignore my dad’s moods. They bounce off me as though I’m wearing a suit of armour. The only thing that ever threatens to derail my happiness is when I think about how little time we have left. We’re on the downhill slope. There are just twelve days to go before he ships out.
I’m counting them off on my calendar when Riley sticks his head around my bedroom door.
‘Hey,’ he says, ‘Kit just called. It’s his dad’s birthday today and they’re having a party for him around at his cousin’s. He wants to know if we want to go.’
For a moment I stare at Riley blankly. I knew it was Kit’s dad’s birthday, but I didn’t know they were having a party.
‘If you don’t feel like it, I can tell him you’re busy or something. He said his dad wanted to invite you, though.’
His dad wanted to or Kit wanted to? I have to hide my smile from Riley.
‘So, you want to go or not?’ Riley asks, his fingers drumming the door. ‘It’ll be fun. We can tell Mom we’re going to the beach or something.’ He pauses. ‘You know, we haven’t had much chance to hang out together since I got back.’
He noticed? Or did Kit have a word with him and suggest he spend more time with me? He gives me a hopeful smile crossed with an apologetic shrug and so I say, ‘Sure. Yeah, sounds good,’ trying to keep my voice and my face neutral.
Riley looks pleased. ‘OK. Ready to go in thirty minutes?’
I nod. I’d planned to sneak out the house and see Kit later this afternoon – but now I get to spend the whole day with him, and the fact that it’s not in private is made up for by the fact that I also get to hang out with Riley. And any extra time I get to spend with both of them is a bonus, given how quickly the days are tripping past.
I grab my phone to check the time. There’s a message flashing. It’s from Kit. ‘Coming?’ is all it asks.
I don’t answer. I’m going to keep him hanging.
Forty-five minutes later Jo, Riley and I rock up at Kit’s cousin’s house on the other side of town. There are streamers and balloons outside and music floating through the open windows along with the delectable smell of grilling meat.
The door’s wide open and inside it’s heaving. At first I’m overwhelmed by the noise: music, chatter, shrieking children, laughter. If you were to create an atmosphere that was the polar opposite of my own birthday party, then this would be it.
Kit’s family are boisterous and loud – and, it strikes me as I look around the room, happy. This is what a family should be like, I think to myself sadly. Riley catches my eye as we walk through the room and I know from the smile he gives me that the same thought is passing through his mind. He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes, and I wonder if I should just tell him about Kit and me. If he could see how happy Kit’s making me, how being with him gives me a chance to be part of a family like this, then surely he’d be OK with it?
Next thing I know, though, I’m swept up by Kit’s sister Tessa, who I haven’t seen for over a year, since the last send-off for Kit and Riley. She’s a smaller, prettier version of Kit, with the same deep dimples that suggest mischief, and piercing blue eyes which light up the moment she sees me. She links her arm through mine and drags me towards the kitchen.
‘So, a little bird tells me that you and Kit are a thing,’ she whispers in a stage voice that could match Didi’s for subtlety.
Alarmed, I glance over my shoulder, scared that the whole room just heard her announcement, but Riley and Jo are busy chatting with some of Kit’s cousins, and thankfully the music is so loud it seems to have drowned her out.
‘It’s OK,’ she says, seeing my anxiety, ‘your secret is safe with me.’ She winks at me and points through the kitchen window at Kit who’s busy manning the grill. ‘I’ve never seen him so happy,’ she says, and indeed he does look happy, laughing with his cousins as he flips burgers. ‘Whatever you’re doing,’ she says, patting me on the shoulder, ‘keep doing it.’
My cheeks instantly flare red, because the very first thought that leaps into my head is of Kit and me having sex, and I want to reassure her she doesn’t need to worry about us ever stopping that.
Tessa turns then to pick up her toddler daughter who’s making a beeline for the back door waving a plastic cooking utensil in her ketchup-stained hand. When I turn back to the window, I notice Kit is looking my way. He shoots me a grin and I pull a face at him.
‘There you are! So glad you made it!’
I spin around to find Kit’s dad standing with arms spread wide and a grin on his face to match Kit’s. I step into his arms and hug him, feeling a momentary pang of sadness that I find it easier to hug Kit’s dad than I do my own.
‘Happy Birthday!’ I say, pulling out a card from my bag.
He takes it and kisses my cheek. ‘You are a sweet girl, Jessa Kingsley. My son hit the jackpot with you.’
I can’t help but smile because I feel exactly the same way about Kit.
‘Who hit the jackpot?’ Riley asks, appearing with perfect timing at my side.
‘No one,’ I say quickly.
‘Did you get something to eat?’ Mr Ryan adds, helpfully distracting Riley with the one thing that’s always guaranteed to distract him: food. He starts ushering us out into the garden, giving me a pointed look as he does. I know he wants Kit and me to come clean with Riley, and I start to wonder if inviting us all here wasn’t just a big ruse. Now I think about it, in fact, it seems like the most likely scenario. And it’s only confirmed when he steers us straight towards Kit and then stands there beaming at all four of us as though he’s brokering peace talks between warring countries.
Kit chooses to ignore him and starts serving us food, deliberately avoiding eye contact with me as he does. I hang back until the others have moved on with their plates and are looking for somewhere to sit.
‘Hot dog?’ Kit asks me, holding one up with his tongs and trying his hardest to keep an innocent expression on his face.
‘Maybe later,’ I answer with a smile, unable to stop myself from staring at his lips. ‘I’ll take a burger, though.’
He drops one on my plate and I move on quickly before he can offer to cover it in ketchup and before Riley or Jo pick up on the sparks that are flying not just from the grill.
31
Kit
I watch Jessa walk across the garden towards Riley and Jo. She glances over her shoulder as she sits and
throws me a sly smile, and I get a tightening in my gut in response. A big part of me is totally turned on by the fact that she’s right in front of me and I can’t touch her, can’t run my hands over her body, can’t kiss her. And I know that Jessa’s getting off on it too. Even now she’s turning side on to me and deliberately flicking her hair over her shoulder so I can see the spot on her neck where I like to kiss her.
She’s giving me an unparalleled view of her legs as well, and I wonder if she chose to wear that particular sundress for a reason. It’s the same one she wore the night we first slept together, and all I can picture when I see her in it is how I slid it off her that night and how she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath. She’s trying to torment me. Damn. It’s probably punishment for my not warning her about today. Though that wasn’t my fault. I had no idea Sunday lunch was going to be co-opted into a birthday party and that my dad would then insist on inviting both Jessa and Riley along to it.
Despite how much fun it is to be forced to admire the goods from afar and not touch them, I’m also dying to walk right over to her, pull her to her feet and kiss her into next century. Maybe, I reflect, the time to come clean is now. It’s why my dad set this whole thing up in the first place, after all.
I hand the grill tong to my cousin Matt and head over to join Jessa.
I’m not sure what I plan to do, but I don’t get to find out, because before I’m even three stops from them Jo’s on me. ‘So who’s this girl, then?’ she asks.
‘What girl?’ I ask, aware of Jessa turning to look at me.
‘Riley says you’re seeing someone,’ Jo says, smiling at me.
‘Boning someone,’ Riley snickers, taking a bite out of his burger.
‘Dude. I’m not – ’ I break off because I don’t want to say the word boning in front of Jessa and also because I’d be lying anyway.
Riley’s eyebrows leap up his forehead. ‘Oh, come on . . . it’s us. You’re not usually so shy about sharing all the details.’
Out the corner of my eye I see Jessa tip her head so her hair falls in front of her face, hiding her expression. Oh man.
‘I’m dating her,’ I say, glaring at Riley. ‘It’s not like that. It’s . . . different.’
‘So you’re not boning her?’ Riley asks, burger juices trickling down his chin he’s laughing so hard.
‘Oh my God! He’s blushing!’
I glower at Jo who only laughs more, which makes my face get even hotter.
‘So when do we get to meet her?’ Jo asks teasingly.
‘I’m not sure,’ I stutter, having to fight the urge to look at Jessa.
‘Is she pretty?’
‘Can’t be,’ interjects Riley, ‘otherwise he’d be showing her off.’
‘She’s beautiful,’ I say. ‘Totally stunning.’
‘So why can’t we meet her then?’ Jo asks, eyes narrowed. ‘What’s the deal?’
‘She’s busy. Couldn’t make it today.’
‘Dude,’ smirks Riley, ‘you’re being as coy as a Disney princess. What’s going on?’
‘Nothing. I told you, she’s busy that’s all.’
‘Oh, let’s leave him alone,’ Jo laughs. ‘Maybe he doesn’t want to introduce you, Riley, because he’s scared she’ll run for the hills when she realizes what kind of company he keeps.’ She turns to Jessa. ‘What about you, Jessa? Were there any cute boys at prom?’
Jessa pushes her hair behind her ear. ‘Nope,’ she answers, taking a sip of her drink. ‘Not a one.’ I make a note to self that Jessa is a really good liar, though there’s a telltale flush to her cheeks that gives her away if you’re looking for it.
‘What about that guy Todd?’ Riley asks, and I find myself turning to stare at Jessa, waiting for her response.
She throws back her head and laughs. ‘No way,’ she says. ‘Not my type.’
‘Well, you just make sure your type knows your brother is a marine with a big gun.’
Jessa rolls her eyes. But she’s still smiling. I don’t think she minds Riley’s overprotectiveness despite her protestations. If anything, she enjoys it. Jo, though, is looking curiously between Jessa and me and I’m wondering if she’s starting to put it together. Surely everyone can see the crazy chemistry between us.
I stand up before I do or say something that gives us away.
‘The burgers are calling,’ I say walking back towards the grill. ‘Don’t forget your hot dog later,’ I add, shooting a glance in Jessa’s direction.
Satisfyingly, her cheeks flush even redder.
32
Jessa
As arranged, Kit picks me up after lunch from the hospital where I’m volunteering and I take the wheel. I’m getting good thanks to our daily lessons. Today Kit makes me drive all the way to San Diego. It’s only when he starts giving me directions that I realize we’re not randomly driving around, we’re heading somewhere.
‘Where are we going?’ I ask.
‘Surprise,’ he answers.
‘I know your kind of surprises,’ I say.
‘You won’t guess this one,’ he replies, indicating at me to pull over.
I look out the window. We’re parked on Congress right beside the park. Kit jumps out the truck and I follow suit, immediately intrigued.
‘Where are we going?’ I ask again as he leads me into the park.
‘Promise you’re not going to kill me and I’ll tell you.’
My heels dig into the ground. ‘What?’ I ask. I have visions of Riley and Jo waiting for us.
‘We’re going to the theatre.’
‘We are?’ I say. ‘Cool. Why would I kill you?’
‘For an audition.’
I yank my hand from his and come to a halt. ‘What?’
‘They’re holding open auditions for an Oscar Wilde play.’ Kit looks at me, his expression a mixture of nervous and excited.
‘Kit,’ I say, shaking my head, ‘I can’t do it. I haven’t prepared anything.’
‘You told me you remembered all the lines from the play you were in.’
I stare at him. Is he insane? My heart is beating as fast as a humming bird’s wings. ‘But I haven’t had a chance to practise,’ I argue.
Kit takes my hands. ‘Nothing like being thrown into the lion’s den. Look, what have you got to lose?’
‘My dignity?’
He laughs. ‘Come on, just do it. Even if you don’t get a part, at least you’ll know you tried.’ I pull my hand from his and cross my arms over my chest. ‘And if you do it,’ he says, giving me a look I know full well. ‘I will take you home and give you a multiple orgasm.’
I draw in a breath, my body reacting to his words even though my mind is still adamant that I’m definitely not going to do this. ‘That’s so unfair,’ I hiss.
He steps nearer and takes my hands again. ‘I’ll kiss you all over,’ he murmurs, kissing my neck, ‘just the way you like, paying extra special attention to . . .’
‘OK! OK! I’ll do it.’
He pulls away, grinning at me. ‘Sexual bribery,’ he says. ‘What else can I get you to do?’
Backstage is so crowded with people doing vocal exercises and reciting monologues that I immediately freak out and try to walk away, but Kit is standing right behind me and he catches me by the shoulders, spins me around and marches me over to the sign-in desk.
He gives them my name and then leads me to an out-of-the-way corner where I sit down and start hyperventilating. ‘I’m going to kill you later,’ I say.
He puts his arm around me. ‘Before or after I give you that multiple orgasm?’
‘You’re so . . . ’ I glare at him, but I can’t stop the smile. Even though I’m as nervous as hell, I’ve also got butterflies raging inside me, the good kind of butterflies, the kind that let you know you’re alive. It’s the same buzz I always get before I step on stage, a feeling that’s addictive, but which I’d tried to pretend I could live without. And only now do I realize I don’t want to. Kit’s right.
I s
tart running through the only monologue I can remember, from The Merchant of Venice, praying it’s enough. When they call me, Kit squeezes my hand and kisses me on the cheek. ‘Knock ’em dead,’ he says.
I figure that the worst that can happen is that I make a fool of myself. When I walk out onto the stage and stare out over the auditorium, my heart leapfrogs into my mouth. How am I here? Doing this?
Four shadowy figures in the middle of the front row point me to a cross marked out on the stage and order me in bored voices to begin. It feels like I’m on The X Factor. I swallow drily and take a deep breath, trying to sink into the role of Portia. Then I start.
When I finish, a silence saturates the room. No one says anything and immediately a sinking feeling weighs me down. Oh crap. Blood rushes to my face, my heart beats hollowly in my throat, and I spin on my heel and stumble towards the wings, but I’m not even halfway there before a voice calls me back.
‘Could you read from this?’ the person asks in a clipped voice. I see whoever it is holding something out and I walk over and take it. It’s the script for The Importance of Being Earnest. I glance down at the highlighted pages, feeling a flicker of excitement that I try to tamp down, and walk back to the X.
After fifteen minutes they dismiss me, telling me that they’ll call.
‘How’d it go?’ asks Kit the minute I step backstage.
I shrug. ‘I have no idea,’ I answer. ‘They said they’ll call. I think they say that to everyone, though.’
‘How do you feel?’ he asks as we step outside into the sun.
I stop and turn to him, throwing my arms around his neck. ‘I feel amazing. I don’t even care if I don’t get a callback. It was fun. Thank you. Thanks for making me do that.’
‘You can thank me after,’ he says.
In the truck on the way home I think of where I’d be and what I’d be doing without Kit in my life. I would never have gone to that audition. I would never have learned to drive. I would never have discovered this bold, brave, fearless side of me. I’d never have come close to feeling this happy. I’d never be on my way to a multiple orgasm.