by Mila Gray
Kit kisses me, harder this time, and I feel his arousal, can feel how hard he is. He wants me too. I try to reach for him, but he scoots out of my arms and backs away with a playful smile on his lips.
I watch him through heavy lids. Stubble is darkening his jaw and there are thin red lines across his chest where I’ve scratched him. I don’t have time to process this before his hands are on my hips. I lift up without him even having to ask me and, keeping his eyes on me the whole time, he pulls off my underwear.
I bite my lip as I watch him, the muscles in his arms contracting as he lifts me, the wave of barely restrained desire that crosses his face. My hips lift of their own accord. Kit kneels between my thighs, parting them gently, and then he kisses me, right between my legs, and I let out a gasp of surprise and pleasure, pleasure that instantly ratchets up another notch as his tongue starts to circle and tease.
Holy . . .
I bite my lip even harder to stop myself from screaming out, my fingernails digging into his back. Within seconds Kit brings me to the brink of orgasm, my first with any guy, but as though he senses it he pulls back, stopping. I flop down onto the bed, letting out a moan, and after a moment during which my heart batters against my ribs in frustration, his fingers start exploring where his tongue left off. When he pushes inside me for the first time, my eyes fly open and I rise up off the bed. He rubs me with his thumb and again in seconds I’m on the brink, calling out his name. He stops abruptly once more and I want to cry at the pleasure mixed with pain he’s causing me. I’m blinded by how much I want to feel him inside me, but before I can reach for him he bends again and, using his tongue, brings me to the most insane, body-melting, bone-crushing orgasm I’ve ever experienced.
I don’t know how long it lasts but I lie there feeling wave after wave of pleasure pulling me down into a hazy dreamland. I’m vaguely aware of Kit lying beside me, stroking my belly and dropping the occasional kiss on my shoulder as I shudder, my muscles still spasming. Slowly the world starts to press in again, and I become aware that I’m still lying naked, splayed on the bed. I curl onto my side, pressing against Kit and he pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head.
It’s only now that I start to become embarrassed. I just lie there. I didn’t do anything. He must be so frustrated. Oh God. I reach for him.
‘What are you doing?’ he murmurs, his lips against my ear.
‘I want to return the favour,’ I say, looking up at him.
He shifts out of my reach. ‘You don’t need to,’ he says, taking my hand and kissing the palm. ‘That wasn’t a favour. I loved it every much as you seemed to.’
‘Really?’ I ask sceptically. The guy I hooked up with in London expected everything to be quid pro quo (definitely more quid than pro).
‘Yes, that was just about the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced,’ Kit says, laughing under his breath. ‘I’m just lying here wondering when we get to go for round two.’
‘What?’ I ask, propping myself up on one elbow.
‘I want to make you come like that all night.’
I feel myself flush. ‘No,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘It’s your turn.’
‘That can wait.’
‘Why? Why are you doing this?’ I ask, half in wonder and half petulantly.
Kit’s jaw tenses and he frowns. ‘Because,’ he says, looking away, ‘I want to prove to you that I’m not what your brother thinks I am.’
My breath catches. Is that what this is about? ‘I know you’re not, Kit,’ I say softly, trying to pull his head back around so he’s facing me.
His eyes flash at me. ‘Do you?’ he asks, and I see the hurt in his eyes – put there by my brother – and the fear. He thinks I might believe it.
I nod. ‘I know exactly who you are, remember?’
There’s a nakedness in his expression, a vulnerability I’ve never seen in Kit before. He’s normally so confident and self-possessed.
‘I’ve never felt this way before, Jessa,’ he says. ‘I don’t want to fuck it up.’
25
Kit
Jessa stares at me, her eyes welling with tears. She looks so beautiful and vulnerable and I can’t believe she gifted me her body the way she just did. I’m not going to screw it up, no matter how she looks at me, no matter what she says.
I get up from the bed.
‘Where are you going?’ she asks me.
‘To run a bath,’ I say, grinning at her.
In the bathroom I switch on the hot tap, empty in all the bubble bath containers, and take a deep, deep breath. When that doesn’t work I hold my head under the cold tap. I need to cool down. I can still smell her on me, taste her on my tongue, and it’s driving me crazy.
When the bath’s ready and I think I finally have a grip, I head into the bedroom. Jessa is still lying naked on the bed and I have to pause in the doorway, all my resolve coming undone in an instant. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of seeing Jessa with no clothes on. She has no idea how beautiful she is. I like it that she seems to have abandoned her inhibitions too. She seems to enjoy the way I look at her when she’s naked and there’s a knowing smile playing on her face when she stands up and sashays towards me. I have to turn around. She’s taunting me so badly. I know what she’s trying to do. She’s trying to make me relent.
I make her get in the bath first. Then I shrug off my pants and boxers. I’m not shy about my body. I work out a lot and from the reactions I’ve had from the girls I’ve been with I know it doesn’t disappoint, but seeing Jessa’s face when I turn to face her I wish I had a camera with me. She gulps and draws a huge breath before a dangerous smile spreads across her face.
She scoots forwards in the bath and I climb in behind her, drawing her back against my chest, my thighs on either side of hers. Soapy, slippery Jessa is even more sexy than naked, sashaying Jessa, and I wonder why I thought I could keep the upper hand in this situation. She turns around to face me, her body half-obliterated with soap bubbles, and reaches beneath the water for me.
I jolt at her touch, half the bathwater splashing over the sides and onto the floor. I try to protest but then she starts moving her hand and I sink down in the bath and give up trying to argue.
It isn’t the end of things. After the bath, I get out wobbly-legged and wrap Jessa in a towel before leading her back to the bed. I dry her, taking my own deliciously sweet time, before starting all over again, enjoying how wet I can make her, how her body responds to my touch, arching and moving against me, how with each caress she grows bolder and less inhibited.
We fall asleep at dawn, wrapped in each other’s arms, and the last thing I think to myself before sleep pulls me under is that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this girl. She owns me completely.
26
Jessa
‘You were better than her. Way better.’
I turn my head away from the stage and towards Kit. He’s lying back on the picnic blanket, resting on his elbows, grinning at me with that Cheshire Cat grin. A look that makes me want to be the cream.
‘I’m serious,’ he says, seeing my raised eyebrows. ‘You were. It was the first time I ever got Shakespeare. This was good, but the version you were in? Way better.’
Around us most people have packed up their picnic baskets and blankets and are making their way to the exits, but Kit and I haven’t made a move yet. I don’t want this night to end. It’s been the best birthday present ever.
‘You even remember it?’ I ask, lying down beside him. I can’t believe Kit remembers a play I was in two years ago. ‘Riley fell asleep.’
‘Yeah, of course I remember it,’ Kit says. He leans over and brushes my hair behind my ear, something he does frequently, and one of the reasons I’m wearing my hair down more often. ‘You’re good, Jessa, really good.’
‘And you’re biased,’ I say, feeling my pulse speed up at his touch.
‘But I’m right about this,’ he answers. ‘You love it, don’t you? Acting, I mean.’
<
br /> I shrug and turn once more to the stage. ‘Yeah,’ I admit. ‘I love being up on stage.’ I think about how when the actors came on stage tonight I held my breath, how I got that tight tummy sensation when the lights dimmed, how I was reciting Portia’s speeches in my own head, wishing it was me up there instead. ‘I love the high I get from it,’ I say, turning back to Kit. ‘There’s nothing like it.’
He’s watching me with that look he gets sometimes when I talk, his face lit up, and I get that tight tummy sensation all over again, but for different reasons. ‘Well, actually that’s not true,’ I say, shifting towards him, suddenly forgetting all about acting and thinking all about Kit naked. ‘There is something better.’
Kit grabs my wrist and pulls me down on top of him. ‘Don’t tempt me, woman,’ he growls into my ear. He kisses me on my forehead and we lie there, me with my head nestled on his shoulder, relaxing into each other’s arms. It’s been five days since our night together after my prom. With school out we’re managing to spend most days together, though Kit has been training for his physical fitness test with Riley most mornings and I’ve been doing some volunteering with Didi at the veteran hospital where her dad works. Our schedule goes something like lunch, driving lesson, making out. We’ve had a few full-on sessions on his single bed, mapping each other’s bodies, getting more intimate than I thought was possible, but though we’ve come very close, we’ve still not had sex yet. Kit keeps on saying that there’s no rush, though he’s leaving in sixteen days so I beg to differ.
I think he might be planning something, though – he’s king of the romantic gesture, after all. He turned up tonight with a bouquet of flowers and a picnic hamper stuffed full of goodies he’d made himself, and I have a collection of texts on my phone that would probably make any woman in the world swoon. He even managed to fix the Arabic setting on my iPhone, which makes it a whole lot easier to send him messages back.
‘You should be an actress, Jessa,’ Kit says now, his hand stroking my arm.
I shake my head. ‘Who actually makes it as an actress? Everyone wants to be one. If you gave me a cent for every girl in California who dreams of becoming one, I’d be able to pay my own way through college. What are the odds of making it?’
Kit leans away so he can look at me. ‘So that’s it? You’re going to quit because there’s a little competition?’
‘I’m just being realistic. In this economy I need to get a degree in something that will guarantee me a job. Something like law or business.’
‘Wow.’ Kit’s eyes bug.
I frown at him. ‘What?’
‘Did your father make you rehearse that speech?’ he asks.
I can feel myself scowling. ‘Kit, I’m just being practical,’ I say. I sit up and start packing up the picnic hamper. It’s getting late, we need to go. I start shoving the container lids on, snapping them into place.
‘Screw that,’ Kit says, sitting up. ‘You need to do what you’re passionate about, what you love. Life’s short, Jessa. You only get one shot. Make it count.’
I glare at him. ‘And who’s going to pay for it? I can’t afford college unless my parents pay my tuition. And they won’t pay for me to go to USC. And they certainly won’t pay for me to do an acting class. I couldn’t even take it as a minor. I can’t take a loan either. How will I ever pay it back on waitress tips? Because that’s what I’ll end up doing – waitressing.’
Kit watches me zip up the picnic bag. He waits until I finally look his way.
‘If you knew you couldn’t fail, would you do it then? If you knew for sure that it would pay off?’
‘Yeah, of course,’ I say, standing up. ‘But that’s a stupid question.’
He springs to his feet and snatches the bag out of my hand. ‘Then you can’t let money stop you. You’re basically saying you don’t believe in yourself enough to try.’
‘I don’t, I guess.’ I start walking, tears blurring my eyes. Why are we even having this conversation? It feels like he’s trying to pick a fight with me. And I don’t want to fight. Kit steps in front of me, walking backwards, blocking my path.
‘I believe in you,’ he says.
I roll my eyes so he can’t see I’m close to tears. ‘Can we change the subject?’ I ask.
‘OK,’ he says, taking my hand and leading us back to his truck. ‘For now.’
As we drive back to Oceanside, I think over what he’s just said. Anger pumps through me. How can he expect me to pursue acting just because it’s something I enjoy? It would be crazy and stupid. He has no idea what he’s talking about. I like it that he believes in me, but he’s blinded by bias.
I glance at him as he drives, the lights of oncoming traffic strobing across his face. ‘What about you? Are you doing what you love?’
He looks across at me before turning back to the road. ‘I was,’ he says.
‘And now?’ I ask in a whisper, because that’s all I can manage.
‘Now, I have to leave you.’
He says it so matter-of-factly that it takes a while for the full meaning of what he’s saying to sink in, and when it does I feel as light as helium. ‘It’s always been easy before,’ he says with a small shrug, his eyes back on the road. ‘I’ve never had anyone waiting for me back home.’
‘Who says I’m going to be waiting for you?’
He looks at me and I catch the trace of anxiety in his face.
‘Just joking,’ I say quickly. ‘Of course I’m going to wait for you.’
He shakes his head. ‘No. I don’t want you to.’
‘What?’ I ask, feeling as if I’ve just had lead injected into my veins.
‘I mean . . . Fuck, Jessa. If you ask me do I want you to be waiting for me the day I get off the plane? Yes. Do I want to talk to you every night on the phone and know that you’re my girl and that I’m coming home to you? Yes. Am I going to be thinking of you every single moment while I’m gone – yes. But it’s not fair on you asking you to wait.’
His hands are tight on the steering wheel, his knuckles white.
‘You shouldn’t have asked me to be your girlfriend then,’ I say, trying to sound calm though on the inside I’m anything but. ‘Because I’m not going to stop caring about you or thinking about you or wanting you just because you’re getting on a plane and we’re not going to see each other for a while.’
Kit gives a soft, sad smile. ‘It’s a year, Jessa. You’re going to college.’
‘So?’ I ask, anger now making my voice shake. What’s he suggesting? That I’m incapable of staying faithful? ‘Jo and Riley do it.’
‘Yeah,’ Kit answers. ‘And look how hard it is on her. On them both.’
‘But they love each other,’ I say, hearing the pleading note that’s crept into my voice. I look away as soon as I say the words. Oh God. That came out wrong. I’m not saying I’m in love with him. That’s not what I want him to think. Or is it?
Kit lapses into silence. I cringe against the door. After a moment he takes my hand across the seat and squeezes it and I feel myself coming back to him. I know what he’s doing. It’s not that he doesn’t want me. He’s trying to protect me from hurt. He doesn’t see that not being with him is going to hurt so much more.
‘I want to do this,’ I say, twisting in my seat so I’m facing him. ‘It’s not like I’m going to date anyone else. Who could ever come close?’
‘You say that now,’ he says with a mocking half-smile.
‘Yeah,’ I say, determined to get through to him somehow. ‘And I’ll say it in a year. You don’t get it, Kit. You’re all I thought about for nine months when you were gone, you’re all I’m going to think about for the next twelve until you get back. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. That’s not going to change.’
He doesn’t speak for a minute, he just frowns at the road, but gradually the frown fades and he shakes his head, a half-smile breaking on his lips. He looks across at me. ‘I don’t deserve you,’ he says.
I lean ov
er and kiss him on the cheek. ‘Yes, yes you do.’
‘I want to make you dinner tomorrow night,’ Kit suddenly says. ‘Can you come?’ He glances quickly at me and I see the nervous way he swallows. My pulse quickens instantly.
‘To yours?’ I ask.
‘Yes. My dad’s going to my sister’s to babysit. He’s going to be gone all night.’
‘All night?’ I ask, feeling the fizz of excitement in my stomach.
He nods. And I realize that maybe Kit was waiting to see whether we really had a future beyond these four weeks before he would allow himself to sleep with me. Maybe he never planned to if we were going to break up. As soon as the thought occurs to me I know it’s true. It would be just like him. All I can think is thank God I managed to convince him that we’re staying together.
‘Can you say you’re staying over at Didi’s?’ he asks as he pulls over a block from my house. ‘I want you for the whole night.’
I slide over towards him, slipping into his arms and letting him kiss me. I think that’s answer enough.
27
Kit
I open the door to Jessa already feeling nervous, but when I see her standing there wearing a yellow sundress, it feels like there’s a tornado ripping through my insides. I’ve never been nervous before with a girl, and even though we’ve had a few very X-rated sessions, tonight feels different. I want it to be perfect.
She gives me a shy smile, looking up at me through her lashes.
‘Come on in,’ I say, stepping aside to let her in. My arms are shaking. Why are my arms shaking?
As soon as I shut the door I pull her against me and kiss her, standing with my back against the door to steady myself. For a moment, when she twines her fingers in my hair and flattens her body against mine, I contemplate just forgetting dinner altogether and carrying her straight upstairs, but then I force myself to stop. One step at a time.