.jpg)
by Kat T. Masen
There’s one black and white photograph capturing my interest. She’s laying her head on the lap of an older lady, sitting on a porch swing. Charlotte is covered with one of those homemade crocheted blankets. She appears gaunt, her eyes almost black, but there’s a hint of a smile. The older lady rests her hand on her cheek. It must be her grandmother she spoke about.
And just one look at this picture cements the damage I caused. I failed us as she put it.
I’m an idiot to think we could’ve so easily gone back to the way things were.
I’ll never stop wanting Charlotte, but I don’t know how to fix us. For now, I need a break to clear my head and think about the right way to make us one again.
There’s no doubt that being around her causes a massive problem—we either argue, or I fuck her. And neither one of those things gets us any closer to a resolution.
I close the door behind me, leaving her apartment, my head riddled with guilt.
Back at the hotel, I finish the bottle of Jack Daniels, unsteadily opening another bottle, knowing the addiction of the drink will land me in serious trouble.
The guilt now turns into resentment, and anger rises within me like a tide.
With my phone in hand I call Bryce, excusing my call in the middle of the night, willing he’ll dig up some dirt for me.
“Are you sure, Mr. Edwards?”
With my chest tight and vision compromised from the hard liquor seeping through my veins, I stare at the blank wall, my lips curving upward into a satisfied smirk.
I want Julian gone.
And now, there’s no stopping me.
CHARLIE
Nine Years Ago
“Okay, sorry, I promise I’m listening now. So, who’s going to the concert tonight?”
I hadn’t spoken to him despite his numerous attempts to contact me. His desperation to explain what Adriana saw was evident in every text message he sent.
What was there to explain?
He was caught fucking his wife on the piano two minutes after I walked away.
That night, skull-tattoo guy and I made out for like an hour on the beach while I was completely drunk on some concoction. He wanted more, but I pulled out the period card at the last minute. It was enough to turn him off, but not before he begged for a blow job, another thing I so willingly declined.
“Me, Elijah, Finn, Jennifer, that chick from English class with the huge rack.”
“You mean Lily?”
“Yeah, that’s her name.”
California showcased the best upcoming new talent once a year, and the concerts always went off. It was a four-hour drive, so Dr. Edwards organized a room for us at a posh hotel next door, and the only reason my dad allowed me to go.
“And what about your…” I cleared my throat, pretending to pass it off as a nasty cough, “… brother?”
“He and Samantha have some event to go to.”
Like a couple.
Okay, I’m fucking done.
As much as I hated him right then, there was that tiny part of me that wanted to see him so he could beg me to forgive him. This wasn’t the right frame of mind to be in. I had filled out a survey and read numerous articles in Cosmo magazine. They all came up with the same answer—he was a fucking jerk, so leave his sorry ass now before you ended up being the fool. Yep, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well, unfortunately, the fool was sitting in Adriana’s room still thinking about how much I missed him.
I began flipping through Adriana’s magazines, my mind not focusing on them but rather on the bulletin board above her desk. The photographs were scattered everywhere, a ton of us, but it was the ones of Alex which caught my attention. How could one human being be so photogenic in every picture? He was like a goddamn male supermodel. Glancing at the images ignited a spark, one I had been trying to bury along with the hurt and humiliation.
There’s one of Alex and Samantha on their wedding day. I felt the knots starting to form in my stomach, reality creeping its way in as I examined his expression. He loved her, right? Otherwise, why would he marry her and fuck her on the piano? There it was again, anger rearing its ugly head.
“I love that photo of them,” Adriana sighed.
“How did they meet?”
“In college. First-year, I think. You know my brother, he was a manwhore here in Carmel. I’m surprised he’s settled down. I don’t know how she did it, but she did.”
Way to go for asking that question. Alex was a manwhore. I couldn’t say I really paid attention back then, but if I could feel any smaller right now, I’d be a goddamn ant.
“She’s nice.” It was all I could manage to say.
“Yeah, she is. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like her, but sometimes I think she asks too much of him. Almost like its back to 1950 where women stayed home making pies and leaving them on the windowsills to cool down while the men brought home the bacon.”
“Maybe he likes that. You know… that whole I’ll-be-the-caveman-you-be-the-cavewoman thing,” I mumbled.
“I guess… maybe. It’s just that Alex isn’t like that. Yes, he’s my brother and annoys the fuck out of me, but deep inside, he is such a kind-hearted guy. He’d never hurt anyone intentionally, and he would never treat a woman that way. Sure, he fooled around in high school, but who didn’t?” Adriana walked over to her stereo and cranked up the latest Rihanna song.
As we both sang our lungs out, a knock on the door echoed through the room. I was lying on Adriana’s bed throwing a rubber ball hitting the ceiling as it rebounded back to me. Yes, I was that frustrated.
“Adriana, you have someone here to see you.” His voice made me lose my catch, and the ball rolled over to his feet. “It’s Finn.”
I sat up as he looked at me, annoyed. What the fuck did I do? I wasn’t the one fucking my wife on the piano.
“Sweet. Char, grab your things and let’s go. I call shotgun,” she cheered.
I quietly gathered my things and my phone trying my best not to make eye contact as Alex stood in the doorway blocking the entrance. You could cut the tension with a fucking chainsaw in here. I was praying he’d leave, so I could exit without the drama of having to walk past him.
“C’mon, the concert starts in a few hours, and we need to get a good spot. Thank God, Finn is driving so I can be car DJ.”
I was looking forward to Adriana being car DJ, but it annoyed the fuck out of Finn. Their arguments over petty things provided good entertainment while slumming it in the back seat.
Alex stood still by the door, and I had no choice but to walk past him. As I made my way to the door careful not to make any physical contact, he quickly held onto my arm.
“Did you invite him tonight?” he asked, a bitter tone in his deep voice.
“What’s it to you? Go back to fucking your wife.” I pulled my arm away and bolted down the stairs.
Finn greeted me with a huge grin on his face, pulling me into one of his bear hugs. As he suffocated me in his chest which, by the way, smelled like man sweat, Alex walked slowly down the stairs. With a flat stare, he narrowed his eyes, mumbling something about Adriana using all the soap in the bathroom.
Samantha laughed. “Poor baby. If soap’s your biggest problem, I’m sure Mommy can refill the bottle for you next time.”
Adriana laughed along with her. I placed my head down, ignoring the both of them, then encouraged Adriana to leave or we’d be late.
It took exactly five minutes and twenty-one seconds before my phone buzzed. I was sitting in the back of the car by myself. Finn was telling Adriana off for blasting ‘Like A Prayer’ by Madonna.
Alex: You didn’t answer my question.
I sat there quiet for a few moments, not knowing how to respond. Outside the window, the freeway appeared like an endless road before us.
Me: I don’t need to explain myself to you. I don’t have a ring on my finger. Please stop texting me. I get it, Alex. It was fun while it lasted. Have a nice life.
&nbs
p; “Charlie, c’mon!” Finn shouted.
I shook my head to focus. “What, Finn?”
“Please tell Adriana we aren’t listening to ‘Immaculate Collection’ all the way to the concert,” he whined.
I had no say in this matter, and to be honest, I loved that CD. My phone buzzed again. I was nervous to look. I didn’t know what I wanted him to say. Was there anything he could say that would change how I felt?
Alex: We need to talk. I had no choice, Charlotte.
Sure, he did. You always have a choice. I didn’t know what was coming over me, but I wanted to shut it out, just for tonight. To forget I was seeing a married man who also happened to be my best friend’s brother, and to forget I told the man who had consumed me to go have a nice life.
It took us a few hours to get there, constant bickering in the car and a thousand pit stops because Finn decided to drink a Big Gulp as we left Carmel.
We met up with Elijah and the rest of the group, and I couldn’t have been any happier as the crowds surrounded me, the music playing.
The crowd danced, people cheered, the bands would rotate, and we were having fun—no worries, no drama, just pure unadulterated fun. Finn and I had danced, nothing sexual this time, just laughter and fun, something I had missed over the last year. Senior year had been hard, and it wasn’t over just yet.
The concert ended, so we decided to grab a bite to eat, go back to the hotel and change. I shared a room with Adriana but, of course, she bunked with Elijah. If Dr. Edwards found out he’d kill her, and I’d be her accomplice, and therefore, my dad would kill me.
I wore a black dress Adriana picked out a few weeks earlier. I’m not one to wear dresses unless the occasion called for it. To complete my outfit, I paired the dress with some strappy black heels. Dad would kill me if he saw them, hence, shoving them to the bottom of my duffle bag and sneaking them out of the house.
Applying some lip gloss and only a small amount of mascara, I let my hair loose to flow down my back. Staring into the mirror, I begged myself to forget he existed, at least for tonight.
The club was packed. Every teenager at the concert was here. It was an under-21 club, so no alcohol of course, but it didn’t stop the bumping and grinding that was going on. Adriana was lost somewhere on the dance floor rubbing her ass against Elijah.
Finn was chatting with some other boys from Carmel that had shown up. I hung out with a few girls I knew until a tall, lean guy stood next to me. He was cute and reminded me a bit of Leonardo DiCaprio when he starred in Romeo and Juliet.
He smiled at me, I smiled back. Leaning in, he whispered in my ear, “I don’t do cheesy lines, but I love this song. You wanna dance?”
Like I said, he was cute, and it was just a harmless dance. It wasn’t like I had a ring on my finger and went to bed every night with the person who I made a vow to spend the rest of my life with. I grabbed his hand, and we danced to a few songs. He was a good dancer—smooth—and I moved my body enjoying the thud of the beats.
There was this force that pulled me, and I knew someone was watching me. I searched around the room, the bodies were crammed in tightly, everyone busy in their little world. I tried to focus again without being rude to Leo.
I felt that familiar pull like the floor was about to collapse beneath me, and I was about to be yanked in a different direction, but I couldn’t see anything. Once again, my imagination was playing tricks on me.
I continued dancing with Leo until those emerald green eyes found me, standing in the corner, staring at me intently.
He’s here.
Quickly excusing myself, Leo graciously moved onto another girl who was eye-fucking him right beside me.
My footsteps were small, yet heavy, with every step I took toward him. Unsure of what to say and also wary of my surroundings, I stopped before him with enough distance not to create any suspicions. His eyes were dark—it didn’t matter that the club was too dark to tell for sure. I could sense it.
The music blared, so he leaned into my ear. “You didn’t answer me.”
I sighed, his scent too irresistible and breaking down the walls I had tried to put up. I missed him and wanted to kiss him right here, right now.
Restraint, who would have thought I was so good at it?
“Yes, I invited him. He’s my friend. Actually, he is one of my best friends.”
“Charlotte, I’m sorry. She kept asking me questions about you, and I panicked. She wanted to know why I hadn’t touched her and if it was because of someone else. I didn’t want to do it, she made the first move, but I thought it would get her off my back. We didn’t continue. I still haven’t fucked her since before you. You have to believe me,” he pleaded, desperation lacing his voice.
Bowing my head, I let out the long breath I had been holding in. I knew he wouldn’t lie to me, but the whole thing still hurt. Adriana had said it loud and clear—he was a manwhore.
So where was that straight-A student brain of mine hiding?
Oh yeah, down his pants.
“I don’t know what to say.”
Alex stood there, silently staring at me. I didn’t know what he was thinking, and it was driving me insane. The DJ mixed songs and started playing music again. The crowd cheered, and the lights dimmed even further. It was dark, people danced, people sang, and I stood still until Alex dragged me to the corner surrounded by strangers. He pulled me in close and started swaying. Placing his hands on my hips, I swayed along with him. I wanted him so bad, I no longer cared who saw us until he pushed me away. As I took several steps away from Alex, I finally crashed into a guy wearing a muscle shirt.
“I’m so sorry,” I apologized, clutching his chest. “I tripped.”
Adriana was standing where I previously stood, obviously walked in after Alex pushed me out the way, and she was talking animatedly before hugging Alex. Pulling away, they continued talking before both their eyes fell on me.
Upset at his sudden move to push me away, I turned to be greeted by Leo. Just as he was about to say something, Adriana barged between us.
“Char! There you are. Oh, hi, I’m Adriana.” She extended her hand which was odd, but being a polite guy he shook it back.
“I’m David.”
“You wanna come eat with us, David?” Adriana asked, shooting me a you-can-thank-me- later glare.
“Sounds good.”
Adriana linked her arm into mine before whispering, “Char, you’re so gonna get laid tonight by him. I can feel it in my bones.”
Adriana’s bones couldn’t have been further away from the truth.
David had no chance, no one in hell.
The only man I wanted was the one staring back at me with an angered gaze, ready to tear David into shreds in one swift movement if he came anywhere near me.
I was going to call this payback, and deep down inside, I loved every minute of it.
ALEX
Nine Years Ago
“Alex, if you don’t want to be here, why the hell did you come?”
Samantha was annoyed by my lack of enthusiasm for baby talk. That’s pretty much all we were doing tonight at this stupid dinner party hosted by one of her gallery friends.
“I didn’t agree to come to the party so we could talk baby shit all night. You know where I stand on that,” I answered back, frustrated.
The whole Finn and Charlotte thing kept replaying in my head. I knew it was an overnight thing, and where the hell would he sleep? There were too many questions, and I had no answers.
Charlotte never answered my question when I texted her which really riled me, not to mention the dozen text messages I had sent her trying to explain what happened last week at my parents’ house.
Then I got her text, telling me to go have a nice life.
My concentration dwindled to nothing as anger and fear were consuming me. I’d fucked up, big time, and I deserved the cold shoulder. But she could have at least heard me out, but instead, I was standing listening to something I had no interest
in whatsoever.
Samantha pulled me aside, digging her nails into my arm. “I’m over this bullshit, Alex. Get your fucking act together and act like my goddamn husband. You’re embarrassing me,” she spat, clenching her teeth with animosity.
“I’m embarrassing you?” I laughed in her face. “Talking about what position is best to make a baby is what’s embarrassing, Samantha.”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t want to be here.” I waved my hands around.
“Then just leave,” she shouted and walked away.
I grabbed my keys and left without saying goodbye. On autopilot, I drove my car to exactly where I wanted to be. With Charlotte.
Elijah had texted me earlier to let me know Adriana was okay. But Dad, on the other hand, gave me a long-winded rant about Mom allowing her to go in the first place. On a whim, I called Dad to let him know I’d supervise. He thanked me, then warned me to watch her and make sure Elijah didn’t sleep in the same room as her.
I made my way to the club, lucky to get in because I was twenty-five, and it was an underage club.
Charlotte was there on the dance floor, dancing with some dude her own age. At first, I stood at the bar watching them, desperate for a drink, but they weren’t serving alcohol.
She finally spotted me and excused herself as she made her way through the crowd of people dancing.
I wanted to tell her how sexy she looked in the dress and heels, but instead, we fought, both of us frustrated. I led her to a dark corner of the club and pulled her into me. No one could see, and I wanted her so bad that nothing mattered anymore.
We danced and grinded for only a few minutes, but it was enough to have me hard as a fucking rock until I spotted Adriana. I pushed Charlotte aside, hoping she understood. It took her a moment to register before she slipped away. Adriana was happy I came and asked if I had seen Charlotte.