by Lisa De Jong
Chapter Eleven
I glanced back up to see Daniel watching me with his hands in his pockets, defeat in his eyes. I mouthed a silent bye to him as Nicholas slid into the driver’s side and pulled away. I almost missed the words my love form on Daniel’s lips. As we drove away from the restaurant, my heart broke all over again as I watched him disappear from sight in the side mirror.
A thick silence descended over the car as Nicholas sped through the streets. His knuckles strained against the steering wheel, his chin taut and teeth clenched. Not a word was uttered in the twenty-five minutes it took us to get back to the house.
He pulled into the garage and climbed from the car. Fear ran up my spine. I’d never been afraid of him before, but the expression on his face told me it was time to start. He said nothing as he opened my door, waiting for me to get out. The only sound was that of my heels clicking on the concrete floor as he followed me into the house.
“You fucking whore.” The words were controlled and menacing, making me stop mid-stride, and I slowly turned to him. He stared at me, and I felt the threat in his eyes. I didn’t know where the courage came from, but I didn’t back down. I was done. I would no longer allow him this control over me. My face must have told him that very thing, because I heard the crack before I felt the sting on my face.
My hand went to my face, my hate growing with each rise and fall of my chest.
“Melanie.” With a sneer, he brought his face close to mine. “You’re very lucky that guy was as fucked up as you are, otherwise I would beat the shit out of you right now.” Purposefully, he unbuttoned the sleeves of his shirt and rolled them up his arms, quiet fury on his face as he waited for me to succumb.
That was not going to happen.
I leaned in close to him, exhaling into his face. I felt the words form, knowing my response would change everything.
“Fuck you.” The words slowly slid through my lips. He froze, his shock evident, and I turned and left him standing in the foyer.
I went upstairs and got a pair of pajamas. When I got back downstairs, Nicholas still stood in the same spot. I didn’t acknowledge him as I retired to the guest bedroom. There was no way I would lie next to that man.
As sleep neared, I could feel myself racing toward the usual dreams of love and loss. But tonight, I could also feel something new. It was the same feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on earlier in the day.
Hope.
Yes, change was coming.
****
I jolted upright, unaware of where I was while the events of last night seeped into my consciousness.
Daniel.
I smiled as I looked around the guest room, running my hands over the soft sheets, remembering the dreams I had had of him last night. It was the best sleep I’d had in years. Even though he wasn’t lying there beside me, his presence was never far.
Distant rapping echoed from the front door, while my phone buzzed at the same time.
I glanced to the clock.
“Nine thirty-four?” I mumbled to myself.
I couldn’t believe I’d slept the morning away. Nicholas would have left for the office hours ago. Never in nine years had I not gotten up to make him breakfast. I was still shocked that I’d finally stood up to him and refused him that control I’d so willingly given.
I felt so—free.
My phone buzzed again, and I grabbed it, seeing seven missed texts from Katie. The last demanded that I hurry up and open the front door. Grinning, I got up and padded barefoot across the tile floor, anxious to see my friend. I wasn’t sure what would have happened had she not been there last night.
I looked through the peephole before twisting the lock and opening the door. “Katie!” I launched myself into her arms as she stood in my entryway.
She was the only one who understood, and right now, I had never been more confused in my entire life. My heart was soaring with the palpable love I had felt from Daniel last night. It finally beat with true life, my dead soul resuscitated by his mere touch. At the same time, my chest had been torn open, old wounds gaping with fresh memories of our lost love, thoughts of what could have been—what should have been—and now what would never be. But he loved me. I knew I could go on knowing that. The thought of him crawling into bed next to another woman nearly killed me, but I could accept it.
I would never attempt to come between him and his family.
She had his body, but I had his soul.
“I thought you were going to need me today.” Katie hugged me, rubbing my back as I buried my face in her shoulder.
She pulled back to look at my face, an audible hiss coming from her lips. “That bastard.” Her hand came up to my chin, tilting my head her direction.
I touched my cheek, wincing at the slight soreness. Turning to the mirror on the wall, there was a purple bruise that marked my cheekbone. I ran my fingers across it, the sight of it stirring my hatred once again.
Katie stood behind me, concern on her face. “Are you okay?” I could see she was trying to control herself, but there was rage brewing in her.
I shook my head as I turned to her. “This,” I said, gesturing to the bruise, “is as far as the asshole got.” I felt sick to my stomach as I recalled the look on his face last night as he had tried to put me in my place.
“I can’t believe he actually hit me, after all these years of playing this part he wrote for me, fitting it perfectly. I’ve hated myself for so long. I’d allowed him to treat me like garbage because I didn’t feel like I was worth anything.” I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to keep the tears from coming. “I don’t know what came over me. I was just...done. I finally stood up for myself, Katie...I slept in the guestroom last night.” A small smile crept over my face as I waited for her reaction.
She stared at me for a few moments before she gently touched my shoulder. “I’m so proud of you.”
“You don’t know what it means to me that you’re here, that you knew I’d need you.”
“Of course I knew, Mel.” A moment was spent in knowing silence before her serious expression shifted and she smirked. “Besides, did you really think I’d miss getting the scoop on what the hell was going on last night? You know me better than that.”
I laughed and shook my head at her.
“Come on.” She inclined her head in the direction of the family room. “Go sit down, I’ll make us some coffee. We need to talk.”
She turned toward the kitchen, and I headed to the family room. Goose bumps popped up over my arms when I walked by the window. I could feel Daniel everywhere, the energy now a constant reminder of just how near he was.
Minutes later, Katie came into the room carrying two coffee cups. She handed one to me before settling onto the couch and drawing one leg up under her to face me. My back was propped against the armrest, my legs drawn to my chest. I brought the cup to my lips, taking the first sip. The warmth traveled down my throat and into my belly as I mulled over the events of the last twenty-four hours. It was almost as if it had all been a dream.
Katie took a sip of her coffee and seemed to search for the right words. She looked me in the eyes, shaking her head. “I almost can’t believe it, this whole fate thing you’ve always talked about with Daniel, as if there were something magical between the two of you.” She inhaled deeply, scrunching up her nose. “I’ve never believed in stuff like that, but first the necklace and now last night…” she said, trailing off and waving her hand in the air as if she were trying to dismiss the whole concept.
“I know, Katie. The whole idea seems so cliché, but there was always more to us than normal. Erin called us soul mates, but I...I’ve always known it was more than that.” I was almost embarrassed to describe it, but I needed Katie to understand. “It’s like we share the same soul, and when we’re apart, each half is looking for the other.” Katie’d probably think I’d lost my mind, but it was the truth.
“I miss him so much. Seeing him with that woman...it just...tore me ap
art,” I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stumbled over the words. “But he loves me. He loves me just as much as I love him. I know it.” Tears began to fall. So many conflicting emotions had rocked me last night that it was hard to decipher them all. But there was one emotion that I couldn’t question, and that was his love for me.
“Well, that much was very obvious, Melanie. I couldn’t tell what he wanted more...to rip Nicholas’s face off or to take you against the wall.” She raised her eyebrows at me, clearly referring to what she’d interrupted in front of the restrooms last night. “Sorry about that, by the way. Nicholas was getting ready to come looking for you, and I insisted I would check on you.”
“Thanks.” I could only imagine what would have happened had it been Nicholas who found us rather than Katie.
I groaned in frustration, remembering Daniel’s words—his why and the hurt on his face as if I had somehow put it there.
“Katie, I’ve never been so confused. He’s the one who left me. He didn’t want me anymore, but he looked at me as if I was the one who broke his heart. I don’t understand.”
“Yeah, I definitely picked up on that too.” Katie sucked in her bottom lip as she thought back to last night, her eyes narrowing in concentration. “I mean, there’s something missing, Melanie.” Her eyes darted back to mine. “You told me what happened when you went back for him, but why did you leave him in the first place?”
I took a deep breath, preparing to tell a story I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get through without completely breaking down.
“It’s just so hard,” I choked through my tears.
March 2000
It was excruciating—the pain. Where it was coming from, I wasn’t sure. I lay in the darkness, for how long I couldn’t tell. Voices, faint beeping, the shuffling of chairs came indistinct against my ears. I was so scared, though somehow I knew I would be okay, only because I could feel him. Daniel was there. Then there were times when he was not.
When I’d hear whispered words and could feel the touch of his lips against my skin, I would relax. Then cold would descend, fear rushing in and threatening to take me away forever when he was gone. And just when I’d begin to despair, he would suddenly be there once again.
I wanted to open my eyes to see him, and I fought so hard to. They’d flutter, the light stinging them, but I was unable to focus on anything.
“Melanie.” I heard Daniel’s voice as he shifted toward me. I tried to call to him. I could barely make out the shape of his face before I drifted back into darkness once again. Finally, the fog began to fade. Voices became clearer, the pain became worse. I was suddenly aware of how difficult it was to breathe.
“Melanie, my love,” he whispered against my hand. His lips caressed my skin.
A cloud surrounded my head when I was finally able to keep my eyes open, like there was a haze hovering in the room. Everything was a blur—except for the hazel eyes staring down at me.
They were filled with complete anguish.
Everything became clear, confusion turned to clarity. Fear raced through my veins. “Eva?” I struggled to form the word, to ask about her, to call to her. My mouth was dry, my tongue thick, and no sound came. My hands searched for her, clawing at the emptiness of my belly in panic.
“Shh...shh. Baby, please calm down. You’re going to hurt yourself.” Daniel’s hands restrained mine as he leaned over me and spoke against my ear. I calmed against his touch, unwilling to fight him, feeling his tears roll down my cheek and into my hair.
I swallowed, saliva wetting my mouth as I licked my lips and found enough moisture to form the word. “Eva?”
All of his breath left him as he stilled against my face, finally pulling away to look me in the eye. No words were said as he shook his head with tears running in a continuous stream down his face.
No?
His meaning soaked into my soul like poison. Soundless sobs racked my body as I fought to deny the truth. My baby girl. How could she be gone?
Unbearable sadness consumed me and I was sucked back into the darkness, the pain too great to face. In moments of utter blackness, I struggled to find her, to go to her, but Daniel’s soul called me back to him, willing me to survive. When I could resist him no longer, I opened my eyes, once again, to meet his. Our grief poured between us as we silently mourned her.
He spoke first, his voice cracked and strained. “Melanie, I’m so sorry.”
Of course he was sorry. I was sorry, sorry for our pain, sorry for our loss. But the tortured look on his face told me that he blamed himself.
Shaking my head, I reached out for Daniel’s cheek, wiping the tears from under his eyes. “I love you,” I said as I weakly tried to smile at him. He squeezed his eyes tight as more tears fell, and he shook his head against my hand, his body trembling.
“I don’t deserve you, Melanie. You can never understand how sorry I am. If I could change it...” His chest heaved with his escalating anguish.
I ran my hand through his hair in an attempt to ease him. “Look at me.” I cupped his cheek. His face contained more pain than any one person should ever bear. “It wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for this.” I didn’t know all the details of what had happened, but what I did know was that the car had come out of nowhere. “It hurts me even more to think of you blaming yourself for this. Please, I need you to forgive yourself for whatever you think you’re responsible for.” I rubbed the back of his neck, looking him in the face, making sure he understood and accepted what I was trying to tell him.
He sighed and nodded a silent promise to move on.
“Tell me what happened,” I pleaded.
“Melanie, I...I…”
“Please,” I choked out. As much as I knew he wanted to shield me from any more suffering, he had to tell me. I didn’t want to know, but I had to know.
“Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?” The devastation on his face tore me apart.
I nodded, and he gripped my hand tighter. He stared at his feet for a few moments before finally looking at me.
“Eva…she lived for two days.”
I gasped, struggling to get air in my lungs.
“What?” I rasped out.
Wetting his lips, he swallowed hard. “She was so beautiful.” His face was so sad, but there was a light in his eyes when he spoke of her. “So small. God, Melanie, you can’t imagine how small she was. So perfect.” He talked about her with a reverence and love I’d never seen before, and I smiled as he described her, my tiny baby girl.
“Did you hold her?” I bit back the sob that threatened. He nodded, rubbing my arm. “A few times, but not for long. I would have held her all day if they had let me, but the nurses wanted her to be in her bed as much as possible.” I realized where he’d been all those times when I’d felt his absence. He was taking care of our baby girl.
“Thank you,” I whispered through my tears as I held him close to me. “Thank you for taking care of us.” I kissed his dry, chapped lips, unable to imagine the pain he must have felt over the last—days? I wasn’t sure how long it had been. There was still so much I didn’t know.
I pulled away, my hands on his chest. “Are you hurt?” I asked, for the first time able to focus on more than just his eyes. A huge bruise covered the left side of his face and a small row of stitches sat just above his eyebrow. But he was dressed in normal clothes and sitting beside my bed, it obvious his worst injury was a broken heart.
He shook his head. “No, I’m fine. A couple of cracked ribs,” he said as he pointed to the stitches on his brow, “and this.”
Cracked ribs? “Does it hurt?”
“Honestly, Melanie, I really haven’t even thought about it. It’s not a big deal.”
“How badly was I injured?” I asked. I hurt—everywhere.
He took in a deep breath, slowly blowing the air out through pursed lips as he ran his free hand nervously through his hair.
“You were on the ventilator for three days. They
kept you on it until the swelling went down around your brain,” Daniel grimaced as he described the reason I’d been out for so long. I followed his gaze down my body. “Your right leg is badly broken. You’re going to need some pretty intense physical therapy when you get out of here, but Dad says you’ll heal fine. You have a lot of bruises and cuts all over...” he said as his voice trailed off. He broke eye contact as he looked away.
He was hiding something from me.
“Daniel, everything,” I demanded. Unease raced through me when I saw his face again filled with agony, his jaw held tight in an attempt to hide the obvious trembling. I was terrified at what would cause him this reaction, but I pressed him. “Everything.”
He closed his eyes, his beautiful face weary and broken. “Baby.” He tried to keep his voice soft, but it cracked. “You were bleeding.” He paused, waiting for my reaction. I blinked at him, not understanding what about that could cause him so much pain. He cleared his throat, swallowing. “What I mean is...” He stalled.
“Melanie.” He gathered up my hand in both of his. “The cesarean...there was too much bleeding...”
He didn’t have to say the words because I knew by the expression on his face what he was trying to tell me. I couldn’t have more children.
Never would I give Daniel the family he wanted.
Never would I be a mother.
I gasped against the pain, clutching my chest as I tried to breathe, a full panic attack taking over my body. I was devastated. We lost our baby girl and now we couldn’t have another—well, not we. Me.
Would Daniel still want me?
He shushed me, rubbed the back of my neck, and rocked me. I looked at his face, filled with his love and compassion for me, and I had to believe that he would always want me. In one day, all of our dreams had been shattered, but we still had each other, and we would make it. My tears finally subsided and I began to accept what life had dealt us. It was going to take a very long time to heal from it, but Daniel and I would do it together.