by Lisa De Jong
Nicholas frowned, shrouded in annoyance at Daniel’s obvious dismissal of him. Still, he continued. “This is Shane Preston and his wife, Katie.” Nicholas gestured to them, and Daniel tore his eyes from me. “Nice to meet you both,” Daniel said and nodded, unease evident in his every move.
“And this is my beautiful wife, Melanie.” Nicholas presented me like the trophy I was.
Daniel’s eyes came back to mine, sadness pouring from them as he reached across to take my visibly trembling hand. A whimper escaped through my lips as my fingertips grazed his before he took my hand. Too long—it had been too long since I’d touched him. A flash of energy burned up my arm, my wounded heart pounding with its first true beats in nine years. Relief at the contact swept over my body, making my head spin and desire throb in my belly as his warmth sped through my veins.
Neither of us seemed to be able to let go.
“Hello, Melanie.” The words were soft but laden with need, each tumbling from his lips like a song. My cheeks burned red, the heat rising up my body and settling on my face.
I could only nod and swallow.
A slight “ahem” from beside him caused him to reluctantly drop my hand. My arm felt heavy with loss. I glanced to the left at the extremely beautiful woman sitting in the chair beside him. Bile rose in my throat at the sight of her. She wasn’t even the same girl who’d taken my place.
Confusion clouded my head. My knees went weak as a keening shiver rolled down my spine, and I grabbed the back of the chair to steady myself, trying to remain coherent. I’d never passed out before, but I was sure I was only seconds away.
My legs wobbled as Nicholas pulled my chair out for me. For once, I was thankful for the false chivalry as I stumbled into my chair. Taking the chair to my right, Nicholas situated himself directly between Daniel and me.
To my left, Katie kept glancing my way. She placed a worried hand on my thigh to get my attention. “What’s going on?” she mouthed.
Through a grimace, I shook my head. I’d tell her later. She frowned, but turned away.
I kept my head down while the waiter took our drink orders, but the pull wouldn’t allow it for long. My eyes traveled up until they rested on Daniel’s face.
God, I missed him.
So many emotions raged inside me. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through dinner. Either I needed to run to Daniel or run from him, but I could do neither, so I sat and stared at the one person my heart cried out for every day.
I tried to pay attention to what was going on around me as Nicholas and Shane began to present their proposal to Daniel.
“So Daniel, I’m sure you’ll find...” Nicholas’s voice was a distant sound in my head, everything other than Daniel a haze around me. I still had never seen a more beautiful man, but he was so different from the carefree boy I once knew. His hair was in utter disarray, the color darkened with age, but still with natural light blond streaks. I longed to run my fingers through it the way I used to. His body was still firm, muscles toned and smooth, though now maybe even thinner than he had been before.
But it was his eyes that broke my heart all over again.
No longer did they glimmer with the joy that used to radiate from them. Instead, the intensity was gone, the life sucked from them. There had been a faint flicker of it when our eyes had first met, but it’d passed in almost the same instant.
His cheeks were sunken and there were dark bags under his eyes.
The sadness surrounding his presence was sickening, like a disease had taken over his body and he had given up his will to live.
Never had I wanted to comfort anyone more. I wanted to call his name, to touch his face, to taste his lips. I wanted to assure him that my love for him was unending. I wanted to promise we could heal together. I wanted to forgive him, to forget about the past, to move on. There was one simple fact that held me back.
He didn’t want me anymore.
But seeing him now—my spirit couldn’t believe that. I could feel he loved me. But sometimes love just wasn’t enough. He needed more than I could give.
I looked at the woman beside him and jealousy surged through my whole being.
Had he pledged his life to her, to love her forever? Did he go to bed with her every night and pull her body against his, holding her the way he used to hold me? Did they have children waiting at home?
If he had all these things, why was he so broken? He had the same look on his face that I had every day when I looked in the mirror. He was nothing more than a shell of a person.
Daniel seemed to be struggling to listen to what Nicholas was saying. His gaze would travel to me and then snap back to Nicholas as if he was in a constant war with himself. I could almost feel his body drifting in my direction even though it stayed in place.
Nicholas’s attention darted between Daniel and me, suspicion thick on his brow. While he had no idea who Daniel was, he was no fool, just as aware of the tension in the room as any one of us.
“So, Daniel...” Nicholas handed him another sheet of paper. “If you take a look at this, you’ll see that we have the building permit outlined here. We should be able to get it through the city in four to six weeks.” Nicholas pointed something out on the paper, but Daniel did little more than glance at it before his eyes came back to me.
His possessive nature getting the best of him, Nicholas reached his hand out to stroke my face. I cringed away. He ran his hand down to rest on the side of my neck, his fingers digging into my skin. He leaned in near my face as if he were going to kiss me beneath the ear. Instead, he whispered, “Bitch,” low enough that only I could hear.
Daniel’s hands tightened into fists upon the table. His face burned, and his eyes, dead only moments ago, flamed with hate.
Rarely had I seen that expression on his face, but I knew it—Daniel was absolutely dripping with rage. He looked as if he were going to rip Nicholas’s arm off. I could see him restraining himself in his seat, holding himself back, his fury threatening to explode.
I just didn’t understand it. He didn’t want me. How could he sit there and be angry that I was with somebody else when he had let me go? I wanted to scream at him, to beg him for an answer. Why? Why did he do this to me? Love and hate warred within me, tearing my soul apart.
Daniel’s date sat silent, fidgeting with her napkin, leaning in further and further toward him. He ignored her. She sighed every few seconds, seeking his attention, but it seemed as if he didn’t even know she was there.
Nicholas had grown frustrated with the situation, his voice commanding attention as he tried to force his presentation on Daniel. There was an edge to his voice that no smart businessman would ever direct toward a potential client, but I knew Nicholas. He was jealous that I was receiving what he thought he deserved. I was supposed to be there to win him more attention, not to take it from him.
Poor Shane seemed to have no clue what was going on, only that things were spiraling out of control. He jumped in and tried to salvage the evening. I felt awful that my presence had ruined this for him. I looked at him, offering a weak smile of apology when he cut in and began speaking for Nicholas.
Katie stared at Daniel as he stared at me. Clearly, she was trying to sort everything out. It was apparent in the squint of her eyes and the furrow of her brow.
Shane seemed to have drawn Daniel in. I could still feel the tension radiating from him, but he was at least having a serious conversation with Shane. Daniel still had never so much as glanced at Vanessa, who sipped her water, appearing bored or maybe even annoyed.
Shane made quick progress, putting all of Daniel’s concerns to rest when he offered a solution for each one. From his seat, Nicholas seethed at Shane, jealous, once again, that his younger partner had the charisma he lacked.
Relief washed over the table when dinner arrived. They put talk of business on hold for the moment as our server placed our food in front of us.
Katie gave me a cautious glance as she started to speak. �
��So, Daniel, you just recently moved here to Chicago? Where did you come from?” Her head tilted to the side, waiting for his answer, her eyes sliding to mine for the briefest moment before they went back to Daniel’s.
He cleared his throat, frowning. “Uh, I’m from Colorado.” He turned his attention back to his plate, obviously trying to avoid Katie’s questions. I tried to warn her by clenching her thigh to stop but knew she’d continue until she got her answers. I was sure she’d already figured out who Daniel was.
“Mmm.” She took a small bite of her baked potato as she nodded and then turned her attention to Vanessa. “So how do you know Daniel?” She played it off as small talk, but it was anything but.
Vanessa’s face brightened, and she reached for Daniel’s hand and squeezed it. “Daniel and I are having a baby!”
I choked on my steak. Tears filled my eyes as another part of my heart was ripped away. I knew that was the reason he didn’t want me, but it was devastating to have it paraded in front of my face. I covered the sob in my throat with a cough. Nicholas glared at me—another warning to get myself under control.
Daniel’s eyes flew to me, pain etched deep in the lines of his face, and he jerked his hand from Vanessa. I didn’t understand what was happening between the two of them. He should be thrilled. All he’d ever wanted was to be a father and now he was going to get it. Part of me wanted to be angry that he had that without me, but deep inside, all I wanted was for him to be happy even if it killed me to watch it happen.
Katie was relentless. “Oh, I guess congratulations are in order then?” It was almost a question as she looked at Daniel. He turned his head to the opposite wall, raking his hands through his hair the way he always had done when he was worried or upset.
When he said nothing, she pressed on. “So, is this your first child?” It was clear she wanted Daniel to answer, but Vanessa spoke first. “Yes, it’s a boy. We’re so excited.”
I felt as if a knife had been thrust into my stomach, the air knocked from me as I clutched my torso and squeezed my eyes shut.
I couldn’t listen.
Chapter Nine
I still couldn’t believe Melanie was here.
It was all I could do to keep myself from jumping over the table to get to her, to fall to my knees, to plead for forgiveness, to beg her to take me back. In her brief touch, I’d found everything I’d missed for the last nine years, and I knew then what my heart had known the whole time—she was mine. Even with her husband sitting between us, I knew she was mine.
I’d never told anyone about Eva. It was my loss and I couldn’t bear to have a stranger pity me when it was impossible for them to even begin to understand the way her death had destroyed me. But I knew it’d destroyed Melanie too, and there was no way I’d sit across from her and not acknowledge the child we’d created. Swallowing, I cleared my throat and tried to gain enough courage to verbalize it in front of these strangers. “I had a baby girl. But she passed away.”
March 2000
What was happening?
Everything was a blur. Voices murmured too low for me to hear or the pain drowned them out, I wasn’t sure which. I hurt everywhere and I felt as if I was suffocating. I gasped against the burn in my lungs as I fought to take in a breath. Suddenly everything shifted as my eyesight came into focus, as my surroundings became clear.
“Melanie!” I struggled to sit up, but I was strapped onto a stretcher. “Please, I have to get to her. Please!” My voice cracked with the sob that erupted from my chest as I begged them to free me. I had to find her.
“Sir, you need to calm down. We’re trying to help you.” A paramedic leaned over me, shining a light in my eyes.
“I have to help her. Where is she? Please.” My eyes darted around. Dense trees lining the road rushed past the windows of the speeding ambulance. I caught sight of my blood-soaked shirt.
Oh my God.
I thrashed against the restraints as fear gutted me. A scream rushed up my throat, but no sound came.
“Sir, you need to relax. She’s already on her way to the hospital in Denver.”
A needle was jabbed in my arm and warmth spread through my veins, but it wasn’t the warmth I desired. A fog trapped me in my mind, my heart screaming, but the rest of my body went numb as darkness raced in.
****
“Daniel.” The voice was soft and drew me in. “Sweetheart.” Tender fingers ran through my hair, caressing me, giving me strength.
“Mom?” I blinked.
She leaned over me, one hand holding mine while the other stroked my head. Her eyes filled with tears.
I tried to sit up, but the pain tearing through my chest forced me back down.
“Just relax.” She tried to soothe me, but her voice trembled and it had the opposite effect.
“Melanie?” I rasped. Sensing movement, I turned to find my dad standing on the other side. He cleared his throat, his face tormented. His mouth opened and closed, as if he couldn’t find it in himself to speak the words. Dread twisted itself deep inside me, in a place I didn’t know, and I braced myself for the news that would shatter my life.
“She’s going to be okay, Daniel.” He placed his hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eyes.
Relief flooded me, and I breathed in a painful breath, tears breaking free and running down my face.
“She’s still in surgery right now and she’s doing well.”
I choked, the relief I felt moments before gone. “Surgery?”
“She had some internal bleeding, but they have it under control.” He tried to reassure me, but that same dread burrowed deeper.
I felt my heart breaking as I forced myself to ask the next question. “The baby?” They were less than words and more like a strangled sound in the back of my throat, sticking to my tongue as they tried to pass.
Dad grimaced. “It’s not good, Daniel.” He closed his eyes, trying to get himself together to play the doctor, before he looked back up at me. “They took her by C-section, and she’s on a ventilator.” He paused and looked away from me, his voice cracking when he whispered, “It’s very early, son.”
Overwhelming grief shook me as I realized what I’d done. “It was my fault...oh my God...I wasn’t paying attention...I…” Guilt tumbled from my mouth as an incoherent, tangled confession.
“No, Daniel.” Mom clutched at my hand, releasing the words in a desperate whisper, “The other driver crossed into your lane. There was nothing you could have done.”
Mom could say anything she wanted, but I wouldn’t lie to myself. Even Melanie saw that car before I did.
I closed my eyes, allowed the guilt to come.
Dad’s hold tightened on my shoulder, his voice low and firm. “You don’t have time for this, Daniel. Melanie’s going to need you to be strong for her...and blaming yourself isn’t going to help anyone.”
“Can I see them?” The need to see Melanie was just as powerful as the guilt I bore. I had to feel her heart beat beneath my hands, to see for myself that she was okay.
And Eva.
The thought of my baby girl nearly made me crumble.
“You should be able to soon. I have to warn you, Daniel,” his voice softened, “Melanie’s going to be on a ventilator for a few days until the swelling goes down around her brain. You need to be prepared that she’s not going to look very good. She also has some other injuries...” he said, trailing off as his focus drifted to the floor.
“What? Dad...please?” After everything, I couldn’t handle him hiding anything from me. “You have to be honest with me.”
He sighed. “I know, Daniel, it’s just a lot for you to take in all at once, and you have to take care of yourself too. You have three cracked ribs and a pretty bad cut above your eye.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.”
He pulled up a chair next to me and I did the best I could to prepare myself for what he would say. He ran the palm of his hand back and forth over his mouth, tension rolling from him as he
began to speak.
My heart fell as he described Melanie’s injuries. She was going to be devastated. But we could get through that. I just had to be thankful she was going to be okay.
“Tell me more about the baby,” I asked, unable to keep my voice from shaking.
His head dropped into his hands, and when he looked back up, unshed tears clouded his eyes. His words were barely audible and I strained to hear. “She’s in bad shape, Daniel. She only weighs a little over a pound and a half and she can’t breathe on her own. All we can do is wait.”
It just didn’t seem real. But I knew what would make it real.
“I need to see her.” I sat up, struggling to right myself against the physical pain trying to hold me down. “Please, take me to her. I have to see her.”
“I’ll go out and check. Your doctor was already having your paperwork drawn up to have you discharged.”
It seemed like the next hour dragged on forever as I waited to be released. We received word that Melanie was out of surgery and in recovery, and they’d let us see her in about three hours. They said I could see the baby anytime. I almost got up and left, but Dad wanted to make sure I was cleared before I started walking around. I couldn’t bring myself to care about my injuries. All I cared about was seeing my girls.
“Daniel, sweetheart,” Mom cooed to me as if I were five again, but somehow I didn’t mind. Instinctively, I knew she needed to take care of me as much as I felt the need to take care of my own child. “It’s going to be okay.” Worry lines were set deep on her face. I couldn’t imagine the fear my parents must have felt when they got the call.
“Mom, does Steve know?” I couldn’t even imagine how angry Steve was going to be. He didn’t even know Melanie was pregnant, and now he was a grandfather.
“Your dad just called a few minutes ago after Melanie got out of surgery. But, Daniel...” She hesitated before she continued. “He doesn’t know about the baby. We thought it would be best if you told him face-to-face.” I was certain that would be the most difficult conversation I’d ever had.