by Lisa De Jong
The server appeared and took our order, and I was thankful for the few minutes of distraction. The moment the waitress walked away, an uncomfortable silence descended, Vanessa and I glancing around the restaurant and then back at the table—anything to keep from making eye contact. I began playing with my tie before deciding I’d had enough of the whole situation.
“Why am I here, Vanessa?”
Taken off guard, she jerked her head up. She pursed her lips together and then sucked the bottom one in nervously before looking me straight in the eye. “I’m pregnant.” My brow furrowed as I tried to understand why the hell she thought that information would be important to me.
“Well, congratulations, I guess. But what does this have to do with me?” The whole conversation was uncomfortable. It took everything I had not to bolt from my chair.
“Daniel, I’m almost five months pregnant. Why do you think I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for the last three months?” she spat the words at me.
All the air left my lungs as her words clicked—Vanessa was pregnant, and she was telling me the baby was mine.
I shook my head. This could not be happening.
Blood drained from my face, and I felt lightheaded, the skin prickling on the back of my neck as sweat drenched my forehead. Hit by a wave of nausea, my hands began to tremble, and I grasped the table for support.
“Daniel. Daniel.” Vanessa snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Have you heard anything I said? I was telling you I have an ultrasound next week—”
I put my hand up to stop her; I couldn’t register a word she was saying right now over the roaring in my ears. “I have to go.”
“What? You can’t just leave. We need to talk about this, and our lunch isn’t even here yet.” She sounded desperate, begging me to sit back down, but I couldn’t deal with her right now. It was as if every unhealed wound I’d harbored inside me had ripped open anew.
I could only shake my head and repeat, “I have to go.”
As I stumbled away, I realized I didn’t even know where she lived.
“Um...uh, we’ll talk tonight, okay? I just have to go right now. Text me your address.” She nodded, appearing frustrated and confused.
Somehow, I was able to walk out of the restaurant and to my car. Thoughts came fast and it was impossible to keep them at bay. Melanie was the only person in this world I ever wanted to have a child with. The thought of my flesh growing inside of another woman’s body made me sick.
Starting the car, I raced from the parking lot.
There was no way I would ever make it back to the office this afternoon. I pulled myself together enough to dial the office.
“Montgomery Oncology,” Lisa answered on the second ring. “How can I help you?”
“Lisa, it’s...it’s Daniel.” I tried to keep my voice even, but it shook. “Something’s come up. I’m not going to make it back to the office this afternoon.”
“Daniel, what’s wrong?” Uncharacteristic panic rose up in Lisa’s voice. I could only imagine what I must have sounded like to her.
“Just something came up. Tell my father I’ll see him tomorrow.” I hung up as soon as I got it out.
Flying through the streets, I arrived at my condo only minutes later.
I ignored my phone as it rang, only for it to beep with a message and then start right up again. Looking at the screen, I saw it was Dad.
“Shit!” I raked my hands through my hair, trying to control the emotions that were threatening to explode.
He’d just keep calling and would probably send Mom to come and check on me if I didn’t answer.
“Hey, Dad.” I choked, trying to hide the pain that was ready to crush me.
“Daniel, what the hell is going on? Lisa called very worried about you.” Dad was typically a calm, controlled man, but I could hear the dread welling up in his voice. “Where are you? Let me come get you.”
“No, Dad. I’ll be okay. I just need to be alone right now. I promise I’ll explain it tomorrow at dinner, all right?” I just needed him to give me some space to pull myself back together before I told my family of the horrible mistake I’d made.
“Daniel...” He hesitated, trying to keep me on the phone.
“Dad, I promise. I’ll be there tomorrow.” I knew Mom and Dad always had the underlying fear that I was so depressed I would hurt myself, but I would never do something like that to them. I’d rather live in complete misery for eternity than cause them any more pain than I already had.
“Okay, son. But if you need anything, call.”
“Yeah, Dad. I will.”
I made my way through the hall to my apartment. I hung up the phone and slowly turned the key in my lock.
I knew it’d be all over once I walked through the door.
I swung it open and stepped inside. The barrier broke and the emotions came crashing down, bringing me to my knees.
I gasped as the sorrow took over—sorrow both for the loss of the baby girl I had so desperately wanted and for the guilt over the one that made me sick to think about.
October 1999
“I’m late.”
I was so freaked out by the look on Melanie’s face it took me a minute to comprehend what she was saying. Her intense green eyes were filled with so much fear and anxiety that I had started to think of every horrible thing that could have happened to her in the last two hours, so this took me by surprise.
“You mean, like late late?” I asked, moving my hands from her arms to her face, forcing her to make eye contact with me.
All she did was nod and try to look down.
“Hey, it’s okay, baby. We’ll be okay, no matter what.” I gathered her back up in my arms, trying to ease some of her anxiety. It was hard to do with my own anxiety building in the pit of my stomach.
“No matter what?” she asked as she looked back up at me. So much emotion swirled behind her eyes it made me dizzy.
“No matter what,” I smiled softly at her and nodded. “So, what do we need to do? I mean, have you taken a test or anything?” I didn’t know if what she was telling me was a sure thing.
“No, not yet. I’ve kind of been ignoring the signs, but I couldn’t exactly do that anymore after I puked up my lunch because Erin was eating a piece of pizza.” I glanced at Erin’s car in front of Melanie’s house.
“Erin knows?”
“Yeah, she figured it out before I did.”
“So, it sounds like we need to take a trip to the store?” I didn’t want to start freaking out before I knew if I actually had something to freak out about.
“Yeah, I think we do.” She squeezed my hand, clearly seeking comfort from me.
I felt shocked, but I knew I needed to be strong for Melanie. She was the one who still had to finish high school, and I couldn’t imagine the amount of pressure something like this would put on her.
I mean, I always wanted to be a dad, and after I had found Melanie, there was no other woman I could even imagine having a child with. But right now, it was just so soon.
At the same time, there was some unknown feeling growing within me. A slight smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as I imagined my Melanie with her stomach swollen with our child. There’d never be anything more beautiful than that.
The front door opened and Erin walked toward us, tentative.
“Hey, big brother.” Her words were soft and filled with emotion.
I couldn’t help but reach for her and pull her into a hug.
“Thank you for taking care of her.” I knew it was hard on Melanie with me being so far away, and it took some stress off me knowing Erin was spending time with Melanie.
I came down almost every weekend, but it was difficult at times, keeping up with school and making the almost two-hour trip from Boulder to Colorado Springs every Friday, but Melanie was more than worth it.
It was hard not seeing her every day, but it was only for the year. Once she graduated in May, she would join me at The Universi
ty of Colorado, and we’d be together again. For the time being, though, I spent every extra minute either studying, going to class, or on the phone with Melanie.
It looked like we were going to need Erin even more.
****
“What does it say?” I took turns ringing my fingers together and then running them through my hair as I paced back and forth in the tiny space.
Melanie, on the other hand, sat rigid on the toilet lid and waited for the test to change. After what felt like an hour, she looked up at me. “It’s positive.”
Oh my God, it was positive. I was going to be a dad. Surging emotions sped through my veins, fear and anxiety and something that hinted at joy.
Melanie sat stunned, her face pale, unshed tears glistening her eyes.
I stretched my hand out and pulled her close to me. “Shh,” I whispered against her head as I rocked us. “It’s going to be okay.”
“You’re not upset?” she asked as she leaned back so she could touch my face, her fingers leaving a trail of fire across my skin.
“Mel, I’m not upset...I mean...I’m scared, yeah, but there’s nothing I could ever want more than having a family with you.” I had to let her know how committed I was to her and our baby. “You know the biggest desire in my life has always been to be a dad, even more than being a doctor.” It was true. There was nothing more important in this world.
A timid smile crept to Melanie’s lips and the tears broke free from her eyes. She had to be so scared. Hell, I was terrified. But together we would somehow make this work.
“Sure, it’s sooner than we planned. So what? We’ll just have to work a little harder. You’ll finish your senior year before the baby’s born, and then we’ll get married. We’ll make a home just like we’ve dreamed.” I couldn’t help the little grin playing at my mouth when I pictured Melanie sitting on a porch swing with our child on her lap.
Melanie had a faraway look in her eyes and a small smile on her lips, and I wondered if she was imagining something similar.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, baby.” She was tucked close to my chest, my hands moving in soothing circles across her back, her hands resting on my hips.
She shook her head as if she were trying to clear her thoughts. She looked up at me. “I’m scared to death, Daniel.” She stepped back, resting her hand on her belly. “Our child is growing inside me, and I have no idea how we’re going to do this, but I want her.”
I smiled softly at this wonderful creature in front of me. She was perfect when I met her two years ago, and she was perfect today.
“Her?” I had to ask.
Melanie shrugged, and a small, soggy laugh escaped her. “I think it’s a girl.”
A baby girl. I could only imagine how beautiful she would be. I had to chuckle when I realized the picture in my head was a smaller, chubbier version of Melanie.
If I could only be so lucky to have two of them.
We moved to her bedroom, lying on her bed as we absorbed everything. We talked about all of our fears and the excitement that was beginning to build in us. Melanie eased every fear I had with a simple solution, and I did the same for her.
We could do this.
Melanie’s face turned serious. “You know my dad’s going to kill you, right?”
Shit.
Steve.
There was a very good chance he was going to cause me bodily harm. There were few people as intimidating as Steve. The guy was at least six foot three and probably weighed two hundred fifty pounds. I could never tell if he shaved his head or if he was bald, but either way, the effect was threatening.
“Oh, come on, Melanie. He’s not gonna kill me…maybe just hurt me a little,” I teased as I pulled her body on top of mine, holding her close. She felt so good. The days in between my weekend visits were complete torture. I woke up missing her and went to bed missing her. There was never a moment I didn’t want her in my arms.
She kissed me, humming with pleasure as I pressed myself against her. Five days was much, much too long.
But that would have to wait, because just then, we heard Steve’s truck pulling into the driveway.
I groaned as Melanie rolled off me, running into the bathroom to grab the test and put it in a garbage bag in her room.
“So, are we going to tell him right now?” I figured it was probably best to get this over with. Steve didn’t show his emotions well, and I could see him ignoring my girl for the next six months just to make her feel bad. But I was confident he’d have some choice words for me.
“No!” Melanie shrieked at me as panic raced across her face.
“Melanie, we’re going to have to tell him sometime. Better sooner than later.”
“Don’t you think we need some time to sort through all of this and decide exactly what we’re going to do? I mean, Dad will handle this better if we have a plan in place and he sees we know what we’re doing.” I saw her point. We had some major decisions to make.
“Okay, we’ll give it some time...but you don’t plan on keeping this from my family, do you?” I was nervous she would feel the same way as she felt about her dad, but things were different with my mom and dad than they were with Steve. Yeah, they would be disappointed in us, but I felt certain they’d support us. Even if they didn’t, we were all too close to hide something like this from them.
“No, of course we’ll tell them. They’d want to know.” She smiled tentatively and nodded.
Relieved, I held her face between my hands and brought my lips to hers. The kiss was filled with every ounce of respect and love I had for her. “Thank you.” Her lips were sweet, her skin salty with tears. I pulled away when I heard Steve open the front door.
“Melanie?”
“Hey, Dad. Be out in a minute.”
She smiled at me, giving me one last chaste kiss before grabbing my hand and pulling me down the hall.
“Hey, Dad.” Melanie squirmed, averting her gaze to her feet as she stood in the middle of her father’s small kitchen. I’m sure Steve had to know something was up just by the look on her face, but he was the best at being oblivious to everything around him. I didn’t know if he really didn’t notice or if he put a shield around himself so he didn’t have to deal with anything.
“Hey, Mel.” He looked her way as he reached into the fridge to grab a beer, snapping it open before glancing at me and looking away. He’d always hated me, barely acknowledging my presence anytime I was in his house. I tried not to let it bother me, but Melanie was going to be part of my life forever, and I hated that Steve and I couldn’t be on better terms. Our current situation definitely wasn’t going to help the relationship between us.
“Hey, Steve.” The least I could do was try.
He grunted at me and turned his attention back to Melanie.
“Um, Dad, we were just headed over to Daniel’s, okay?” She looked uncomfortable, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. I hated that she was feeling ashamed of herself when she had no reason to.
“Not too late.” With that statement, he looked in my direction. It was my responsibility to have her home “at a decent hour.” I learned a long time ago that meant ten o’clock. Of course, that never stopped me from sneaking in the back door later after Steve had gone to bed.
“Okay, bye, Dad.” She waved behind her as I took her hand.
I helped her into the car and went around to my side, feeling relieved to be away from Steve’s scrutiny.
I studied her face. “How are you doing?” I didn’t want her freaking out every time she was around her dad. She didn’t need to be putting that kind of pressure on herself and the baby.
“Fine, I guess. That was just...uncomfortable?” It came out like a question. She sighed. “I guess I just was worried that Dad could see right through me, like I had ‘I’m pregnant’ written across my forehead or something.”
“Let’s just not prolong this, okay? You don’t need to be feeling that much pressure every time you talk to him.” I reached over an
d squeezed her hand to encourage her. She always tip-toed around her dad, worried that everything and anything would cause him more stress.
“He has a right to know, and yeah, he’s going to be pissed.” I softened my voice, hoping to soothe her. I knew Steve could be harsh, and Melanie didn’t want to face that any more than she wanted to cause him added worry. “But we’ll get through it. He loves you, and I think if we give him some time to deal with the shock, he’ll be okay.”
At least I hoped that’s the way he’d react, but I didn’t want my own fears troubling Melanie more. I mean, I was eighteen and, well, Melanie was not. Steve could have my ass if he wanted to.
There were so many things we needed to talk about, and I could see those questions and fears swirling behind her eyes. I couldn’t even think straight when she looked at me like that. All the rest of this stuff didn’t matter; we had each other, and everything was going to work out. It had to.
Closing the distance between us, I kissed her gently.
“I love you, baby,” I whispered against her lips.
She giggled. “I think you’re going to have to stop calling me that, because I’m not quite sure who you’re talking to.” She reached down and rubbed her belly as a sweet smile came to her lips.
I chuckled, reaching my hand down to cover hers. “Yes, I love you too, baby.” It was true. Sure, I’d only known about “her” for the last two hours, but I did. How could I not be in love with something that Melanie and I had created?
My body trembled as all the regrets of my life washed through me, my heart feeling as if it were on the verge of failing. My soul cried out for her. It had never stopped its search for her in nine years, and I could still feel her calling out for me.
It was all I had left of her, this connection that could never be broken no matter how much time and space passed between us.
“Melanie, I don’t want to do this without you. It was only supposed to be you.” I dug my fingers into the carpet, praying I could feel her for just one second more. When my body had no more to give, I succumbed to the darkness that blurred the images in my mind.