by Lisa De Jong
And I didn’t date.
****
I left my office at five-thirty completely spent. Evenings were always the worst. I walked to the parking lot, clicked off the car alarm, and slid into the leather seat of my black 650i.
I drove the short distance to the luxury condo Mom and Erin had found for me. It was nice, but to me it was nothing more than a place to sleep. My head was spinning by the time I pulled into the underground garage. It had been a long day, and I just wanted to get upstairs and take a shower. I gathered the papers from the passenger seat, shoved them into my bag, and got out. I should have stopped to get something to eat, but I didn’t have the energy. I nodded absently to the elderly couple exiting the elevator as I entered it and pushed the button for the top floor.
I never felt more alone than when I walked into the emptiness of my apartment at the end of the day. I flicked on the light switch, set my things down, and closed the door. The all-too-familiar sadness washed over me, and again, I wished I were coming home to my girls instead.
I took a quick shower and went into the kitchen, hoping to find something to eat. I was starving, but all I could find was some stale pizza. I threw it into the microwave, grabbed a beer, and swallowed half of it as I sank into one of the four chairs set around the small dining table.
It was how I spent every night—utterly fucking alone.
Tonight that loneliness felt unbearable.
I slammed the empty bottle on the table, strode to my room where I threw on a T-shirt and jeans, and then grabbed my keys. Ten minutes later, I stood outside a downtown club, showing my ID to the bouncer.
Stepping inside, I allowed my eyes to adjust to the dim room and flashing lights. The bar was crowded, crawling with college students, some trying to converse over the deafening level of music, others with their bodies pressed together on the dance floor.
I found an empty booth in the back, ordered a whiskey, and waited.
It was obvious why I was here. No other twenty-eight year old man would be alone in a place like this if he wasn’t after one thing.
I sat back, sipping my whiskey while my eyes roamed the hazy room, finally stopping on the blonde watching me from where she sat across the room at the bar. She tipped her beer to her mouth and drained it, before she stood and crossed the room.
****
It was nearing two in the morning when I turned the lock to my condo.
I went straight for the shower, desperate to wash the night from my body. I lingered under the stream, knowing the second I lay down the memories would take over. When the water grew cold, I gave in to the inevitable. I crawled into the king-size bed Erin had insisted upon—why, I’ll never know—and wrapped myself around a pillow. I felt the energy surge and she was there.
I whispered, “I miss you, Melanie,” into the darkness, and I felt a faint tug of the force that bound her to me. I relished in the remnant of her presence before I closed my eyes and gave up the fight for the night.
Chapter Three
Heaven. So safe, laying in his arms; never was there a place I’d rather be. His presence all around me, soothing me with each breath. I curled closer to him, sinking my body into his as if we could become one.
I breathed deeper, struck with panic as he began to fade. Frantic, I struggled, desperate to lock his body to mine, but it was no use. He drifted away as fast as my mind rushed to consciousness.
A sense of dread washed over me as my eyes flickered open. I looked at the bedside table. The red light displayed five forty-three.
“Shit.”
It wasn’t the dreams of him that bothered me; it was waking to the reality that he was no longer mine that nearly destroyed me each day. I woke every morning with my heart laid bare, wounds torn open, fresh pain oozing from every pore in my body.
I pushed it aside, put back up the walls to shut it all out. I couldn’t allow myself to feel in front of those who just didn’t understand.
I pulled the covers back, rubbing my stiff neck. Nicholas still slept, snoring with his back turned toward me. Sighing, I stood and padded to the bathroom, preparing myself for another day of nothing.
Showered, I went downstairs to start breakfast. Nicholas would be up soon and he demanded a hot breakfast before he left. I went to the cupboard, pulled out the coffee, and started a pot, breathing it in as it began to brew.
I made a quick breakfast, finishing the eggs and placing them on plates just as Nicholas came downstairs.
I handed him his food when he walked into the kitchen and received nothing more than a grunt of recognition when he took it from my hands.
“You’re welcome,” I muttered under my breath.
We ate in silence with me lost in thought and Nicholas buried in the pages of the newspaper.
He finished eating, and I took his plate over to the sink to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher. He put on his jacket, grabbed his briefcase, and strode to the door. He paused and turned to look at me. “I’ll be home by six-thirty, so don’t be late with dinner again tonight. And don’t forget about dinner Thursday.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
If only I could forget.
There was nothing worse than having your husband parade you around while you feigned some type of affection for him. The disdain I held for him had to be apparent. This act was getting harder and harder to pull off.
I finished loading the dishwasher and looked around, searching for a job to keep my hands busy while I lost myself in my thoughts. Nicholas didn’t trust housekeepers in his house, so the upkeep was relegated to me. I didn’t mind. If I sat idle, I was certain I would lose my mind.
I worked, scrubbing down the entire kitchen and enjoying the silence of the house when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I looked up, realizing two hours had passed. I pulled out the phone and smiled when I saw the name displayed on the screen.
“Hey, Katie, what’s up?”
We talked several times a week and got together at least once a week, so her early morning calls were not unexpected.
“Hey, hon. You up for coffee?”
“You have no idea how good that sounds.” I flipped on the faucet, squeezing the sponge under the stream. “Just give me a few minutes to get cleaned up...say...half an hour?”
“Sounds good.”
“All right. See you soon,” I said before I ended the call and rushed upstairs to change my clothes.
A half hour later, I pulled my black four-door sedan into the lot of our favorite coffee house and slid into the first open parking space. Katie stood across the lot waving. She was a natural blonde with striking blue eyes, but she had to tip the scales. With hair dyed the deepest black and vibrant tattoos on her back and arms, most found her captivating and a little bit intimidating.
I’d been surprised by the instant connection we’d made when we first met. She was straightforward and strong, and I’d been afraid she would judge me, tell me to grow up and forget about my past, but she never did.
She was just there for me.
“Hey, babe.” She grinned as I approached.
“Hey, how are you?” I asked, not hesitating to reach out and hug my closest friend. She was about an inch shorter than I was, though I had to look up at her with the extra height her boots gave her.
“I’m great.” Her blue eyes danced as she stepped back and took my hand, pulling me behind her into the shop.
We ordered and found a quiet spot in the back where I sank down into the cushions. I moaned in pleasure as I took the first sip of my mocha latte, allowing its warmth to soothe me.
Katie lounged deep in a plush maroon chair. “So, can you believe the bid the guys put in? If they land it, it’ll bring in enough money that Shane will finally be able to start his own company.”
Shane was almost as miserable with Nicholas as I was. He couldn’t wait to tell his partner goodbye, and I’d been praying for the day when he could finally escape Nicholas’s influence.
It also broke my heart. I kn
ew once Shane split with Nicholas, I’d no longer be allowed to have Katie and Shane in my life and, once again, I’d lose the only people who meant anything to me.
“Listen,” she said, her voice softening, “I need to talk to you.” I braced myself for what was coming. “Shane and I were talking. When he makes his break, we think you should make one too.” She looked up at me hesitantly, gauging my reaction. She had been trying to get me to leave Nicholas from the moment we’d met.
“Katie,” I choked out. Did I want to be with Nicholas? No. But I had no other place to go. After I’d left Dallas, my mom and I had never been the same, and there was no way I was going back to Colorado Springs. I hadn’t talked to my dad since I’d first left, and the last I’d heard, the Montgomerys were still there. “You know I can’t do that.”
“There’s no reason for you to stay with Nicholas. Look,” she said, shifting to the edge of the chair and inclining her head toward me, “Shane and I want you to come and stay with us...for as long as you need.” She had fire behind her eyes. “You have to get away from that asshole. I’m not going to stand by and watch him tear you down any further.”
“You know I appreciate it, but I chose this life a long time ago,” I said. What’s done is done.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. Just let me take care of you, please?” I knew she just wanted me to be happy, but what she didn’t understand was that I would be unhappy wherever I was, with or without Nicholas, and it was just easier to stay. My heart was already dead, so no more damage could be done.
Sighing, I finished my last sip of coffee and hurried to the door, hoping for a way to escape the conversation.
Katie was right behind me. She grabbed my arm, spinning me around. “I’m serious, Melanie. We’re going to talk about this.”
“Can we just go? Please? We’ve talked about this before, and you need to just drop it, okay?”
Pleading, she took my hand, squeezing it, “Shane and I love you. You don’t have to spend your life like this.”
“I know you do, Katie. I love you too.” I bit my lip where it trembled, refusing to shed the tears gathering in my eyes. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
Sadness clouded her face. “Melanie—”
I cut her off. “Listen, I’m going to head home.” The memories were starting to creep in after our talk, and I knew I’d hit my breaking point soon.
“Okay.” She stepped to me, wrapping me in her arms. She hugged me closer and whispered against my ear. “But I won’t give up on you.”
****
Wearing old jeans and a thin white T-shirt, I headed out the back door. The weather was still warm and it drew me outside. I moved across the vast lawn to the hedge lining the back of the yard and the flowerbed running along it. Resting on my knees, I began to pull the weeds that had sprouted up between the flowering plants. My hands worked while my mind went back to him, to his beautiful face, to hazel eyes I could never forget. It was as if they watched me across the distance separating us. They both haunted me and comforted me at the same time.
“Daniel, I miss you.”
I prayed he could somehow feel me. I wondered if he knew how often I thought of him. I could only imagine that he had another family by now.
Family.
I grasped the weed in my hand as if it were an anchor. If I held on tight enough, maybe I could feel that joy for a moment, the anticipation we’d had for our little family. I took in measured breaths, willing the hurt away, only allowing myself to feel the love I had for her. I’d never even held her, but I knew her. I could see the amazing little girl she’d be right now, her brown hair flying around her face, hazel eyes blazing as she played in the back yard.
My thoughts swirled around her for the longest time before they drifted to Patrick and Julia. They had been like parents to me, and I’d loved them like they were. I would never forget all that they had done, the support they’d given. I knew they had felt the same way about me.
And Erin. Tears streamed down my face as I thought of the one person who had been both my best friend and the sister I’d never had. She’d always been there for me, standing by me during the most uncertain times of my young life. I’d known why Daniel no longer wanted me. What I couldn’t understand was why she’d abandoned me too.
The phone ringing inside brought me back. I didn’t know how long I’d been out here, but my hands were covered in mud and I’d nearly cleared out the flowerbed. Wiping my hands on my pants, I jogged inside and grabbed the phone on the fourth ring. “Hello?” I said, panting.
“Melanie? Honey, are you okay?”
“Mom?” It took me a second to wrap my head around the fact she was on the line. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just outside and ran in.”
I couldn’t believe she was calling. We hadn’t talked since I’d made a quick, obligatory happy birthday call to her five months before.
“How are you and Mark?” I asked.
After I’d left for Chicago, things had never been the same between Mom and me. I still loved her, of course, but I harbored a lot of resentment toward her. I was angry with her for putting so much blame on Daniel, but in the end, she’d been right. He’d left me for someone else when things got rough. Beyond that, I guess I felt even more betrayed by how taken she seemed to be with Nicholas. But how was that her fault? I was the one who’d chosen this life.
I wasn’t the only one, though. She’d been holding back, too. Maybe she’d just been too disappointed in me and couldn’t look at me the same. I didn’t have all the answers, but what I did know was my relationship with my mom never recovered after that summer.
“I’m pretty good.” She sounded off. “How have you been?”
“Um, well, you know, same old Melanie.” I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her about being happy. It was just too obvious I wasn’t.
She didn’t say anything.
“Mom, what’s going on?” As distant as we were, the thought of something being wrong with her sent a wave of terror through me.
“Nothing’s wrong, Melanie. I just miss you. I mean, I miss you, the girl I used to know.” I could hear the sadness in her voice and was certain she was crying. We hadn’t talked like this once in the last nine years, and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.
“Mom...that girl doesn’t exist anymore.”
An audible sob came through the line. I sagged against the wall for support. This was not where I’d expected this conversation to go.
“Melanie, sweetheart, I need to come and see you. Will you let me?”
It was clear how far we’d allowed ourselves to drift from each other when it was obvious neither of us wanted it that way. It was as much my fault as it was hers. She was just taking the first step to make it right.
She’d dropped by overnight a couple of times when she and Mark were passing through over the years, but I’d never gone to visit her once. I knew this trip would be different.
“Yeah, Mom. I think I’d like that. When?” The emotion was thick in my words, and I hoped she knew just how much I wanted to see her. I missed her so much, but I’d allowed all of the other hurt I had to cloud that.
“I was thinking I could come out the week of Thanksgiving and stay during the holiday? Only if it’s not too much trouble. I don’t want to impose on you and Nicholas.”
I was a little disappointed it would still be eight weeks before I could see her, another confirmation of just how much I needed her.
“No, Mom, I really do want you here. Please...come.” It was more than an invitation for a simple visit.
She sniffled, though I could sense her relief. “Okay...I’ll be there.”
It was time to make right this one thing that had been wronged so long ago.
Chapter Four
“Daniel, it’s too late.”
I wouldn’t listen, refused to accept his words. Instead, I pled, “No. Please. Save her. You have to save her.”
Hands restrained me, but my body pushed forward
, desperate.
“No!” If I said it enough, I could make it true.
She couldn’t be gone. I just saw her.
“God, no. Please!”
Why weren’t they fighting for her? Why were they all standing here, doing nothing?
I had to get past him, to go to her, to protect her.
“It’s too late,” he said the words again, his arms tightening around me as he abandoned his efforts to restrain me in an attempt to comfort me.
His words crushed me as reality brought me to my knees, images of the perfect face I barely knew flashing through my mind, cutting my soul in two.
Panic burned through my body and sweat broke out across my flesh.
The alarm blared, shocking my mind back into the present, bringing me to a consciousness I didn’t want to face. I squeezed my eyes, willing them shut a moment longer, unable to tell what was worse—reliving the nightmare every night or waking to the life I didn’t want to live.
My stomach rolled, recoiling with the acids burning in my throat. I barely made it to the bathroom before my body rid itself of the ache the only way it knew how, as if the act would somehow give my body peace.
If only it were that simple.
The heaves finally subsided, and I sank the rest of the way to the floor, trying to catch my breath and slow my breathing.
“Fuck.”
Pulling myself off the floor, I held onto the sink for support. I turned on the water, splashed it on my face, and washed the strain away.
Every morning, just the same. Tuesday would prove to be no different.
I showered and dressed, dreading this dinner thing. Feeling desperate, I even considered asking Mom, but figured it would not be cute to bring my mother. I was sure it ran more along the lines of pathetic.
I walked to the front door, bent over to pick up my bag, and reached for my keys on the entryway table. I paused, looking at the photo atop it, the one of me with my arms wrapped around Melanie. We were both smiling, just moments after I’d walked across the stage for my high school diploma, back when we believed nothing could tear us apart.