by Lisa De Jong
“What about her?” she asked, looking tremendously concerned.
I glanced out the window, too nervous to look her in the eyes. “Remember I told you that I saw her at the beach several years ago?”
“Yeah.” The intense stare she gave me as I watched her out of the corner of my eye almost made me lose my nerve.
“Well, it was more than just me bumping into her on the street,” I explained, looking down, embarrassed.
Her face fell. “I figured so,” she whispered.
Suddenly, as if I’d opened a flood gate, all my transgressions tumbled out of my mouth faster than I could button it up. “She was married at the time. But when we saw each other it was as if no time had passed. You remember, we were ripped apart all those years ago. We never had any real closure. You remember all of that.” She nodded as I spoke. “Well, that weekend at the beach, we had long talks about everything. About us. About life. I found out her mom had been keeping my letters from her.”
Her eyes wide, Salem gasped, “Are you serious?”
I nodded, furrowing my eyebrows. “Yeah, so fucked up…anyway, this led to that, and I don’t know, it was like one of those ‘no regrets’ kind of things. At the end of the weekend, we said our goodbyes and that was that.”
She clapped a hand over her mouth with realization. “You slept with her?”
I nodded, glancing at my empty plate, embarrassed.
Assuming the worst, she blurted, “Oh my god, she gave you an STD, didn’t she?”
Shaking my head firmly, I said, “No, I’m clean. I’ve been tested.”
Cocking her head to the side in confusion, she asked, “So what happened then?”
“She left and went back home to her family.” I didn’t mean for the lump in my throat to pop up, but it did. I swallowed hard, peering up at her.
“And then what happened?” she prodded, her voice barely a whisper.
My eyes stung and the lump in my throat grew larger. “We didn’t contact each other. I knew letting her go back to her family was the right thing to do. But when we ran into each other at the grocery store a while ago, I….”
“Go on,” she coaxed, leaning in with interest.
The words fell out of my mouth. “She had this boy…He looked a lot like me…She introduced us, and I could almost swear I was looking at my own fucking kid.” Just then, I breathed a sigh of relief at my admission.
She held her fingers up to her temples, trying to process it all. “She got pregnant? Oh my god, she had your baby?”
My shoulders slumped. “I’m not sure, but it’s possible.” Too possible.
“What are you gonna do?” she asked as though she were contemplating the options.
I snapped to attention, fixing my gaze on her. “Nothing.” Well, except the trust fund I set up, but that’s all on me.
“Nothing?” With knitted eyebrows she demanded, “But, Chris, he might be your child.”
I shook my head adamantly. “You don’t understand, Salem. I watched them from a distance. She was happy. Those kids were happy. Her husband was there with her. He looked like such a great husband and father. They were one big, happy family. There is no way in the world that I would barge in and disrupt that little boy’s life just to prove we share the same DNA!” I just couldn’t do that to him…or to Kaitlyn.
Salem pondered that thought for a moment. “You know, my niece, Lillian, is adopted,” she said softly.
Huh? I cocked my head in confusion.
She nodded. “She was almost a year old when my brother and sister-in-law adopted her, even though she’d lived with them since birth. They were her foster parents while they waited for the biological father to sign the papers relinquishing his rights.”
I wasn’t quite sure why she was telling me all this.
“Anyway,” she continued, pushing the food around her plate in thought, “I remember how stressful that first year was. Lillian was the happiest baby. We all loved her more than life. But every court date was a nightmare, wondering if her biological father would waltz back into her life and snatch her away from them. Every time they faced the judge we all held our breaths, hoping and praying the adoption would be final. I couldn’t imagine if my brother and sister-in-law would have to deal with some man coming into our lives and demanding to be a part of Lillian’s life.”
Oh. She gets it. She understands why I had to do what I had to do.
“So, I get it,” she added, speaking softly, “I understand why you wouldn’t want to disrupt that sweet little boy’s whole world. I admire you for taking that step back, as hard as it may be.”
Without my permission, a tear slipped out of the corner of my eye and slid down my cheek. “It shattered me. Hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done.”
“I can only imagine,” she said softly. “You’re a good man, Chris.” Tears glossed her eyes.
This was yet another reason why I found myself falling so hard for her. She had a true heart of gold.
****
SALEM
My instincts were right. I knew I’d read something in his tone when he talked about Kaitlyn having two children. I was just glad he’d finally had the courage to talk to me about it.
Hearing him talk about everything, I knew he’d made the hardest decision of his life, letting go. But, I think back to Lillian and everything we went through with her. If her biological father had walked into our lives, her whole world would have been uprooted. My brother was such a great father. Lillian had all the love she needed from him. I’d never known another child who was a daddy’s girl like she was, further evidence that it was entirely possible for someone who doesn’t share their DNA to love another child as much as their own. My brother was hard proof of that.
I had no doubts that Chris did what was best for everyone. Hell, for all he knows that kid doesn’t belong to him at all. And if he had barged into their lives, demanding a DNA test, he could have very well been opening a whole can of unhappy worms for everyone involved.
As hard as it was, it was better this way. Of course, if he ever changed his mind, I knew I would support him. That’s the thing about life. Things can change on a dime. I just had to be open and willing to accept that change.
In an effort to move on from that subject, Chris stood up and carried his plate to the sink.
“Don’t worry about it,” I told him, I waved my hand toward the sink full of dirty dishes. “I can do those later.”
“I’ll help,” he offered, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s nice to do normal stuff from time to time.”
“With your normal date?” I teased as I stood up from the table.
Chris dropped his plate in the sink and turned to look at me. “Trust me,” he said, his dark eyes penetrating mine. “I’d take your normal over their sexy any day.”
I rolled my eyes and huffed, “Not according to the tabloids.”
“You believe that horse shit?” he asked, shaking his head. He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the sink.
“Pictures don’t lie,” I said, copying his posture.
“Oh, you’re talking about the most recent Celebrity Star headliners?” Clearly annoyed, Chris furrowed his eyebrows. “Well, did the pictures tell you that the girl I was hugging just lost her husband who had been deployed overseas in the military? She was having a quilt made with his old concert T-shirts and was making it her mission to get them all autographed first. And did the pictures tell you that the girl whose hand I was holding just lost her sister to a battle with breast cancer? In an effort to raise money for breast cancer awareness, she was trying to plan a benefit concert with one of her sister’s favorite musicians. Most of what they put in those magazines is total bullshit.”
Suddenly, I felt like an idiot. I was making judgments based on sensationalized tabloid melodrama. I knew better, but it was so hard to refrain when I found myself so emotionally involved. “No,” I frowned. “No, I guess the pictures didn’t really tell me all of that.”
Chris took a step toward me. Towering over me, he brushed the hair out of my face and traced his finger down the side of my cheek. Staring into my eyes, his brown irises swirling with an indescribable emotion, he murmured, “Did the pictures tell you that I haven’t been able to get you off my mind since I saw you in New York? That the only thing I can think about is being here with you, in this normal life, and not having to say goodbye again?”
I couldn’t speak. My heart thundered in my chest. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye again either. Every time I closed my eyes, I relived the dream of our kiss, the feel of his arms around me, the taste of his lips on mine. I longed for him.
Chris cupped my face in his hands, staring at me with a longing that matched the one in my heart. “I don’t understand any of this, Salem. When I walked away from Kaitlyn, I thought I’d never love another woman like I loved her. I’m confused. I find myself thinking and feeling things I never imagined in a million years. I’m a fucking wreck. Part of this feels so wrong. I was a teenager. You were my counselor. It’s hard to get past that. That’s why this whole thing has me so messed up.”
He glanced away, lost for a moment in his own thoughts. He ran his fingers down the sides of my arms, triggering goose bumps on my skin. Clasping my hands and fixing his gaze on me again, he said quietly, “These strong feelings I have for you, they’re just too soon. But then I look back, remembering the bond we had, how you were there for me, how much you meant to me back then, and I realize that this thing between us now…it isn’t new. It started years ago with a closeness we didn’t understand, but both needed. A friendship that helped us both through some tough shit.”
I nodded, too overcome with thoughts and feelings to give a response. He was right. We did have a connection back then; one I couldn’t explain and didn’t understand. Since the day I’d left him at his apartment in Charlotte, I’d found myself having feelings for him that confused me too. My brain told me it was wrong because he was a teenager when I met him, but now he was a man—a strong, handsome, focused and driven man that I found myself thinking about more and more each day.
Chris pulled me closer and smiled. “Because of you, I walked away from juvie that day with hope. You listened to me, and you encouraged me. You gave me hope. Hope for a life out of trouble, a future in music, a chance for happiness, even love. Dum spiro spero. While I breathe, I hope, remember?” Then looking me straight in the eyes, he whispered, “I realize it now. You are my hope, Salem.”
I gasped. I didn’t know what to say, how to feel. All I knew was that whatever he felt in his heart at that moment, I felt it too. The sincerity in his voice caused me to swallow hard the lump that had been forming in my throat. I looked down at his tattoo as the tears slipped silently down my cheeks. All along, he’d been walking through life, hoping for something. And all along, the hope he sought was me.
Slowly, he leaned toward me. For a split second, we shared the air between us. This moment…it was exhilarating and scary. I felt lost, and yet I felt right at home. Inhaling simultaneously, our lips united, and the world around us disappeared.
The moment his lips pressed to mine, a pulse of electricity throbbed deep down, momentarily taking my breath away. I succumbed to the gentle pressure of his mouth on mine and kissed him back. Softly, his tongue parted my lips and delved into my mouth massaging my tongue with his. Pressing his body flush against mine, he walked me backwards until the small of my back was pressed against the counter behind us.
Chris moaned, grasping the sides of my face and weaving his fingers into my hair. He gently pulled me toward him, kissing me with reckless abandon. My hands found their way to the back of his head as I desperately tugged him closer to me. I felt like my body could take flight with the feelings that were swirling throughout it. The emotion behind his kiss awakened sensations inside of me that I hadn’t felt in quite some time. Or maybe ever. I melted into him, allowing the moment to overtake me. My heart felt full. Everything was perfect.
Chris ended his kiss, slowly pulling away to look at me. “Wow,” he whispered. “That was…just…wow.” He closed his eyes, leaning into me. I closed mine too, appreciating the peace between us as I breathed in the cool, refreshing scent of his cologne.
We held onto each other, savoring the moment for several minutes. Our bodies yearned for more, but our time together had all too quickly come to an end. Gently touching his forehead to mine, he groaned, “Damn, I wish I didn’t have to leave again.”
I peered up at him, staring into those dark windows to his soul. “I wish you didn’t have to leave either,” I said, clutching him to me as if I never wanted to let go. Atlanta could wait. I needed him more.
“Tonight has been wonderful,” he said softly. “Every night before I fall asleep on my rat trap tour bus, I’m going to think of this moment right here with you.”
He leaned in again, softly brushing his lips with mine, and whispered, “You’re everything I’ve been wishing for, Salem.”
I smiled under the heat of his breath and felt myself falling head over heels for Chris King.
Chapter Twenty-Two
SALEM
The daily routine for me was always the same old, boring rut. Weekends were even more so. Sometimes Alexis spent the weekends at her dad’s house or with a friend. On those days, the highlight of my day was hearing Chris’s voice on the phone.
Concert or no, Chris called me every night. Sometimes, I’d get the call early, before a show. Sometimes, it was late, around two in the morning. Sometimes I’d hear loud, raucous partying in the background. Sometimes I’d hear silence. Some nights he’d be drunk off his ass, chalking it up to ‘life as a rock star’. Sometimes he’d be stone-cold sober. Nevertheless, he’d always call to say goodnight. Every night, it ended the same way.
“It’s good to hear your voice,” Chris would whisper into the phone. “I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Me either,” I’d say, sadness lacing my tone. “Hopefully soon.”
“Goodnight, beautiful. Sweet dreams.”
I’d always slip off to dreamland with a smile on my face.
****
“Meet me in Jacksonville,” Chris pleaded with me late one night on the phone.
“I can’t…I’ve got Alexis–”
“Bring her too,” he insisted, sounding desperate. “I’ll get two tickets to fly you down here for the weekend. She’ll be back in time to go to school on Monday. I need to see you.”
I debated his offer. God, I missed him so much. “I can’t. Her first volleyball game is this weekend. I have to be here for that.”
“I understand.” The disappointment in his voice was palpable. “Well, maybe I can fly you down to Tampa or out to New Orleans when we get there.”
The ache inside of me grew a little bigger. “I’m so sorry…I’d love to see you. I miss you. I just can’t do it this weekend.”
He sighed, long and loud. “It’s okay. We’ll work something out. I can’t wait to see you again.”
I swallowed, wishing I could reach through the phone and touch him. “I can’t wait to see you either.” We hadn’t exactly defined what we were to each other, afraid to label it, but every day without each other, our longing grew stronger. With every phone conversation, our feelings grew deeper. All I knew was that with each passing day, I felt more connected to him than ever.
****
Saturday came and Chris was in Jacksonville without us. Their concert had been Friday night, so they had the whole weekend off before they left for Tampa on Sunday afternoon. Alexis’s team won their game and we headed to the local frozen yogurt shop. We made a quick stop to fix our treats then headed home to celebrate.
I was teasing Alexis about the gummy worms she’d picked as a topping when we pulled into the driveway. It was getting dark. The sun was setting, and bright orange streaks illuminated the sky. The sunsets were always beautiful this time of year.
“Mom, look.” Alexis pointed toward the house.<
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Holy shit. It couldn’t be. But it was Chris. On my front steps. He looked amazing in worn jeans and tight, long-sleeved Henley. He was leaning against the post, one foot propped up a step higher than the other, with both arms resting on his knees looking down at his phone. A red duffle sat next to him. He looked up when he saw us pull up to the house.
I slammed the car in Park and hopped out. He stood up when he saw me, bearing a mischievous grin and a please-don’t-tell-me-to-leave expression. I catapulted from the car, sprinting to get to him. He seemed just as eager to catch me as we both threw our arms around each other.
“What…? How did you…? You’re here!” I finally managed to get something out.
Chris tightened his grip, lifting me a couple of inches off the ground. He brushed my hair away from my face, gently kissing me on the forehead. “I missed you. I had to see you.”
I cupped his face in my hands, relishing the soft prickle of his stubbled cheeks. “I’m so happy to see you.” Then remembering his tour schedule, I asked, “But, don’t you have to be in Tampa tomorrow?”
He pulled back and frowned. “I have to leave by four in the morning. So, we only have a few hours together. But, I’ve missed you so much.”
About that time, Alexis made her way up onto the porch, gawking at our surprise visitor.
“Hi, Alexis.” Chris grinned, his arms still wrapped firmly around me. “I hope you don’t mind that I crashed your volleyball after-party with your mom.”
Alexis shot me a sidelong glance and smiled, “Not at all. It’s not often a famous celebrity stops by our house.”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Chris said, stuffing his hand in the back pocket of his jeans. “I brought you something.” A chain with a guitar pick hanging from it dangled in his hand as he gave it to Alexis. “I used this pick during my concert at Madison Square Garden.”
“Oh my god, are you serious?” Alexis reached out and Chris dropped the necklace in her hand. “This is so freaking cool!” she cried. “Thank you so much. I can’t wait to tell Olivia. She’ll die!”