by Lisa De Jong
I was quickly comparing Nutrition Facts on the back of two different cans of soup when Alexis’s blood curdling scream startled me. I promptly dropped the can, landing it directly on my pinky toe.
“Shit!” The word flew out of my mouth as a knee-jerk reaction.
Several mothers glared at me, and pushed their children away from the scene.
Hopping around on one foot, I hobbled toward my cart where Alexis was writhing and wailing in her car seat. I found her pacifier and popped it into her mouth.
It wouldn’t work for long. Alexis hated her paci, and I’d left the diaper bag with her bottle in the car, knowing we’d only be in the store for a few short minutes.
“Shh.” I gently rocked her car seat.
Alexis sucked and grunted while I held the paci in her mouth with one hand and pushed the cart with the other, hobbling on my sore foot.
I knew I needed to get out of there. I could already feel my anxiety levels rising. My ears were burning and sweat beads were already forming on my forehead. I never noticed when other peoples’ kids were crying, but the minute Alexis began wailing, it felt like all eyes were on me.
I had too many items in my cart to put them all back, so I knew I had to get straight to a cashier before she started up again.
Standing in a line that felt like a mile long, I gently rocked the cart back and forth. Alexis squirmed, clearly unhappy. Suddenly, she spit the pacifier out of her mouth and startled everyone around us with another one of her ear piercing screams.
I quickly unbuckled the harness of her car seat and lifted her up, bouncing, shushing, and patting her on the bottom. It was useless; I’d been here before. There would be no calming her down.
I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead. Rationally, I knew there was no need to feel anxious. Everyone’s kids cried sometimes. Everyone had been in my shoes at some point in their lives, but that didn’t stop my stress level from rising.
“It’s okay, Alexis,” I cooed. “We’re almost done.”
She flailed in my arms, squalling. Pushing my cart forward a few inches, as if that would make the line move faster, I noticed a pair of blue eyes staring at me.
“Aren’t they just precious?” A little old lady smiled at me, graciously trying to ignore my glaring black eye.
No. “Yes,” I said, returning the pleasantries.
“Is this your first?” she asked politely, paying no attention to my struggle.
I could barely hear her over Alexis shrieking in my ear. “Yes,” I said. And last.
“Enjoy every minute because they grow up fast,” she said matter-of-factly.
I wanted to reach out and slap her, but then I immediately felt terrible for my violent thoughts. What was enjoyable about trying to shop with a screaming baby who just made you nearly break your toe with a can of soup? What was pleasurable about standing in a line, that won’t fucking move, with a hysterical baby in your arms while little old ladies told me to enjoy the moment?
“Thank you,” I deadpanned.
Right at that moment, Alexis gagged and choked on her spit up which landed directly on my shoulder and dripped a pretty little stream down my back.
This is the best moment yet. My thoughts oozed with sarcasm.
I quickly used her blanket to wipe up the mess while the little old lady shook her head nostalgically. I wanted to smack her again, but this time I didn’t feel so bad about it.
“Sweet little angel,” she cooed at Alexis. “She just needed a little burp. All better now?” she asked with a sing-song voice, reaching out to let Alexis curl her hand around her wrinkled finger. Looking at me, she said, “I remember when mine were that little. I miss those days.”
I doubt I’ll ever miss these days, I thought. “I bet.” Flashing a fake smile, I hoped I wasn’t coming across as manic. Then again, for her sake, maybe she’d see me as a threat and back off a little.
“Cherish every moment,” she insisted again.
Nope. No threat.
Alexis never let up. She cried while I struggled to unload the groceries onto the conveyer belt with one hand. She cried while I reloaded the cart with the bags. She cried while I swiped my card to pay. By the time I made it to my car, I was crying right along with her.
I sat a few extra minutes in the driver’s seat, leaning my head on the steering wheel. My nerves were shot. My hands trembled, and the tears wouldn’t stop. Alexis and I both sobbed all the way home.
Chapter Nine
SALEM
Weeks had passed without a hitch. I’d managed to get Chris out of segregation a day earlier than scheduled. He’d seemed a little more jovial since then. I’d hoped our countless sessions were helping him.
The day started out pretty much like any other day, except for the fact that I’d forgotten my lunch at home that morning and was forced to grab a tray from the cafeteria.
I made my way down the quiet corridor toward the dining room. The cafeteria was small compared to a typical high school. Three long tables stretched out across the room. Bench seats were attached to the tables. The floor was lined with cream colored tiles and the occasional out-of-place blue tile. You could hear the loud clanking of plastic trays and metal pans echoing down the hall. The food was mediocre, at best, but for some of these kids it was better than anything they ever got at home. Lunch was served promptly at noon every day.
“Great to see you, Mrs. Honeycutt,” Mrs. Collins greeted me with a smile. Bright blue eyes peered at me under the poofy hair net. Ruth Collins was by far my favorite cafeteria worker. She always loaded my tray with two freshly baked cookies instead of just one. The state would never pay to serve inmates delicious snacks, so Mrs. Collins always baked her own desserts at home and brought them with her to work, treating the staff to her baked goodies. She was always friendly and talkative, not only to me, but to the kids too. A lot of older adults in this facility seemed burned out. Not Ruth. She would laugh and cut up with the boys every day. Sometimes I thought she sneaked extra cookies on their trays too, but I never let on that I knew.
I grinned at her. “Thank you. It’s great to see you too, Mrs. Collins.”
“Here’s a little something extra for you today,” she whispered. Her bright, aged blue eyes danced with mischief. “I know cow patties are your favorite.” I loved cow patties, those delicious no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies that resembled…well…cow patties.
“Thanks, Mrs. Collins,” I whispered covertly, excited to enjoy her homemade snack. “I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week.”
“I’ve gotta work this weekend, so it should be great!”
I chuckled inwardly. No one loved their job as much as Ruth did. I loved her attitude. These kids loved her too. I turned around and saw a few guys in the corner eyeing us. I put a finger to my lips, hinting to keep quiet. One boy nodded and took a bite of his cow patty with a wink.
“Mrs. Honeycutt,” Greg called from another table. “Come sit by us.”
“Yeah,” Chris agreed, waving me over as he started scooting down the bench. “We’ll make room.”
I shook my head regretfully. “Sorry boys. I can’t today. I have some paperwork to finish. Maybe next week sometime?”
I was flattered that these guys enjoyed our lunchtime conversations. I tried to eat lunch with them at least once a week. It was like another group therapy session, just like our pick-up basketball games. We would laugh and talk the whole meal. They’d tell me about their families, reminisce about what they missed back home, and muse over their hopes and dreams for the future. In those few short moments I’d forget the mess my life was in back home.
“How about next Monday?” Chris asked with a smile tugging at his lips, which melted my heart. Who could say no to those deep, brown eyes and that adorable dimple?
I nodded, returning a smile. “Maybe Monday.”
Greg fist pumped the air. “Yes!”
My face beamed with pride. I really grew to love these kids. While my job was to help them
spread their wings and prepare them for their long flight in life, some part of me always dreaded seeing them leave. Some I would see again. Others I wouldn’t. It was like a game of roulette. Once those kids left Fairbanks, it was all up to them. Sometimes the weight of the world was on my shoulders when I watched them walk down the sidewalk away from the gates of juvie. I just hoped at the end of the day, I’d done justice to their time here at Fairbanks.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Malik. He was sitting near Chris and Greg, but he hadn’t looked up from his tray since I’d been standing there. It looked as if he hadn’t touched a bite of his food either. I made a mental note to speak to him as soon as I could. Sitting several tables away, I saw Toombs. Toombs’s facial expression was flat. He slowly chewed his food, watching Malik. Malik was a big guy too, but nothing in comparison to Toombs. Malik was one of the toughest kids in juvie, but Toombs had a presence—one you feared. Toombs stared Malik down from across the room. Malik’s eyes never left his tray. What’s that about?
****
I was filing some paperwork in my office when Chris walked in for his session.
“How are you doing today, Chris?” I asked, smiling as he stepped into my office and plopped down on my sofa.
The grave look on his face gave me my answer. I didn’t understand. He seemed okay at lunch. I wondered what happened.
“Not too good,” he sighed.
“Why? What’s up? Wanna talk about it?”
With a typical teenage response, Chris shrugged his shoulders.
“What’s on your mind today?” I lightly pushed him for dialogue.
“I don’t know…” he said dejectedly.
“It always helps to get things off your chest.”
Looking out the window, Chris grumbled, “I don’t know. I just can’t get her out of my head, Mrs. Honeycutt. She’s all I ever think about. And not hearing from her after all those letters I’ve written…it kills me. This place sucks. I have no life. My dad’s in prison. When I lived at home, my mom was a walking zombie most days. Everything pretty much sucks right now.”
Chris tugged the knees of his pants while he spoke, gently rocking back and forth with pent up emotion. “I mean, sometimes I’m totally fine, you know. And then the next minute I feel like shit. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, and then I hit rock bottom again.”
Unfortunately I knew exactly what he meant.
He continued, staring at the floor while he muttered, “I’m sure people look at me and see a loser. A kid who can’t get his life straight. A kid who can’t stay out of trouble. I can hear it now. Adults whispering to each other, ‘he’ll never amount to anything.’”
He snapped his head up, fixing his gaze on me. His worried eyes pleaded for assurance from me. “Sometimes I worry that they might be right. I almost feel like there’s no point in my existence…no point in living. Know what I mean?”
Oh, I knew all right. In fact, I’d considered ending it all on more than one occasion, but Chris didn’t need to hear that. So, despite my own feelings of worthlessness, I wanted to help him see how important he truly was.
“Chris, you have so much to offer this world. You have friends and family that love you. You write inspiring words every day through your lyrics. Someday, someone out there is going to be touched by your songs. In fact, you can make a difference in someone’s life and not even know it.”
Chris huffed and stared blankly out the window, seemingly unconvinced.
I had to show him. I had to make him believe. “You don’t even realize it now, but you’re already making a difference in someone’s life right this very minute.”
I watched him as his wheels spun over my words, processing it. Did he understand what I was getting at? He had no idea the impact he was having on my life. Little did he know, he was giving me a reason to get up every day. He gave me a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
His brown eyes slowly tore themselves away from the barred window and settled on mine. “I wish that were true,” he said dejectedly.
“It is true, Chris. You worry about needing a reason to live? You, Malik, and the rest of these boys here make a difference in my life every day. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you guys.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. I tried to swallow back the lump in my throat, but it was too late. Big, silent tears slipped from my eyelids and slid down my cheeks. I quickly grabbed a tissue from the box on my desk, dabbing it under my eyes. While I knew I might have been taking a big risk in saying it, I needed him to understand where I was coming from, so I whispered, “You are the reason I choose life every day.”
Chris saw the first tear fall from my face, and he immediately lowered his eyes. “Aw, shit, Mrs. Honeycutt…” he began, but rendered speechless. For a few silent moments, he watched me, seemingly embarrassed by my admission, but also touched and maybe a little curious.
Finally finding his voice, he stammered, “I…I don’t even know what to say.”
Gathering my composure in an attempt to regain my professionalism, I assured him, “You don’t have to say anything. Just walk away from this session today knowing that I need you here. Everyone needs you here. You have so much to offer. Use your gifts and your talents to make the world better. I just know you’re going places. I can feel it.”
A hint of a smile played on his lips as he wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Maybe I’d hit home. Did I overstep the bounds of my training to get through to him? Probably. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
After several more minutes of surface talk, I glanced at the clock. The time for our short session had ended.
I stood up to usher Chris to the door of my office where Officer Blevins was waiting for him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down in front of you today. I just hope you’ll think about what I’ve said and really let it soak in.”
Chris nodded. “It’s okay, Mrs. H. I will. Thank you.”
“You know I love you boys. I just want the best for all of you,” I told him and patted him on his back.
“We love you too, Mrs. H. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
“You’d manage,” I quipped, attempting to lighten the mood.
Casually shrugging his shoulders, he teased, “Maybe.”
We were both laughing when Officer Blevins stepped around the corner and smiled. “Another happy customer, huh?”
“You bet,” Chris said, giving him a thumbs up.
“Great,” Officer Blevins beamed, “Now we’re off to KP duty.”
“Ugh,” Chris groaned, slumping his shoulders and hanging his hands by his side. “I hate kitchen patrol.”
“You and everyone else in this place,” Officer Blevins grinned. “But it has to be done, and you’re on the schedule.”
“Okay. Bye Mrs. H,” Chris called as Barry escorted him toward the cafeteria.
“Bye, Chris.” I waved, then shut my door and sighed. I had such high hopes for that kid. I had faith that he’d get his act together once he got out of this place so he could put his talents to good use.
Knowing the possibility of the positive impact I could be having on their lives felt like a personal high for me. Considering I was at an all-time low in my personal life, these kids kept me balanced, giving me eight hours a day to escape my own personal hell. While I struggled with my demons, I felt empowered knowing that I could help someone else with theirs.
****
The next day, I sat with Malik in my office. I was trying to get him to talk about the situation with Toombs that seemed to be escalating. That was probably my first mistake.
“Would you be willing to tell me what’s going on with Toombs?” I asked, hoping he’d take the bait.
“It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with,” Malik assured me, snapping his head to glare out the window, clearly uninterested in discussing it any further.
I narrowed my eyes at him. �
��I saw him staring you down in the cafeteria yesterday, and today I saw him slam his shoulder into you when he walked by. What’s that about?”
“Look, Mrs. H., I’ll tell you again, it’s nothing…nothing I can’t handle.” Malik ran his hands over his thighs and anxiously bounced his feet on the floor, seemingly eager to end the conversation.
I motioned toward the door, indicating an invitation for Toombs to join us. “Maybe we should bring him in here and handle it togeth—”
“Forget it!” Malik barked, slamming his hands on the armrests of the chair and stilling his feet.
I flinched. I knew I needed to quickly diffuse his temper. “Malik, look—”
“Mrs. H, you look,” he countered, pointing a stiff finger toward my face. “Get a fucking clue, alright. You’re sweet. It’s nice of you to wanna help, but you can’t. You wanna walk around Fairbanks trying to save the world, but I’ve got a news flash for you…Fairbanks ain’t the real world. You can’t save us. When we get out of here, we’re going back to the same hell we came from while you sit in your office talking bullshit about reaching for the stars and finding pots of gold at the end of rainbows. That’s not real life! Out there,” Malik bit out, pointing toward my window, “is the real world…with drugs, and crime, and debts to be paid, and fucked up families. So don’t sit here and pretend that you can understand me...or any of us. You can’t! You want to live this fairytale dream that things will change for us one day, but they won’t! Toombs is just the tip of a bigger problem that you can’t even begin to understand. So don’t even fucking try! Okay?” Malik trembled with pent up anger.
I started to reach out to him, but realized quickly that I needed to keep my distance. I couldn’t hide the fear that had suddenly welled up in me. “Malik, I know you’re upset,” I said with a soothing tone, trying to keep him calm.
Grabbing the sides of his head with his hands, he raked his fingers across his closely-shaved hair. “I’m more than fucking upset! I’m pissed the fuck off! I’m sick of him. I’m sick of you. I’m sick of this place. I’m sick of everything!”