by Lisa De Jong
“Let’s eat a little.”
He just nods. Taking him by the hand, I lead him over to the couch and tell him to wait there while I get his breakfast.
While I get everything ready I watch him as he stares off into space. He doesn’t attempt to make conversation or turn on the TV or anything. He just sits—still and blank.
We eat breakfast and I talk of light-hearted matters. He laughs in the right places, smiles when he should, and comments when necessary. All of it without one shred of real interest. We’ve slowly gravitated toward each other, and he lets me hold him.
A couple of hours pass this way, talking and sharing, until he finally dozes off in my arms. I look down at his long eyelashes resting on his cheekbones and those full lips. He looks so stunning lying here. Just like the man I sent to war, but I know that he’s not that man anymore. Something fundamental about him has changed. It scares me so badly. After a while, I relax and doze off with him.
I can feel him staring at me, so I force my tired lids open. “Hey,” I whisper. “Did you get some sleep?”
“Yeah, I did actually. Thank you for staying with me.”
Oh great. We’re back to polite Adrian. “Adrian, stop thanking me for everything. You’re my husband. That’s not going to change.”
“I don’t know, Celeste, I—”
I sit up quickly, swinging my legs around in front of me. “What do you mean you don’t know? We’re husband and wife. That’s not changing.” He shakes his head at me. “That’s not changing,” I repeat. “I’ve done some research, Adrian.”
“Don’t give me that PTSD crap, Cel.”
“That’s what’s going on, baby. You’ve shown most of the signs.” I list them for him. “All you need is to talk to someone about what happened over there, what has you so…overwhelmed. The doctors can help too with a little bit of medication.”
He flies up from the couch and goes into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and drains it before settling against the counter. “I’m not going to see any doctors and I’m not going to talk to anyone. I just need a little time and space. Two things you’re not prepared to give me apparently,” he says coldly. So cold.
“I would give you those things if I thought that would work, Adrian. I’ve read—”
“You’ve read,” he sneers at me. He takes a deep breath. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’d really like you to leave now,” he says with no feeling.
“You’d really like me to leave now,” I repeat flatly. Getting up, I move into the kitchen with him and wrap my arms around him. “I’m not leaving. You ran me off yesterday. I allowed that. I gave you some space. I’m not leaving today. I can help you get help.”
“I just…I don’t know what you want from me. There’s nothing wrong that a little time and space won’t help, and I’m pretty sure I’ve asked you for that.”
“I’m pretty sure that I want my husband back. Not this machine,” I say as I point at his chest, “or that ticking time bomb from yesterday. I want the man who grabs me and kisses the life out of me and then kisses it right back into me. I want the man who tells me what he is thinking, what he is feeling no matter the consequences. I want the man who loves me, who is willing to fight for me no matter what.”
Grabbing my hair, he fists it in one hand and pulls my head back before he slams his mouth down on mine. I cry out but hang on. I’ve gotten a reaction, and it’s not an entirely unpleasant one. He backs me into the wall and ravages me. “Is this what you want, Celeste?” he grinds out against my mouth. I can only groan my agreement as I reach up and force his mouth back to mine.
He pushes my skirt up with one hand and grabs at my underwear with the other. I hear ripping and can’t help but be turned on by his enthusiasm. I hear his zipper and then he’s inside me, grinding and pumping. “Put your legs around me,” he demands. I comply.
Pulling my head back, I open my eyes to meet his but they’re closed. “Give me my blues, Adrian,” I whisper.
Instead he buries his head in the crook of my neck and drives into me even harder. I gasp at the pleasurably painful assault on my body. He shifts and buries himself in me so deeply that I cry out. Finally, his movements still but he is trembling.
He slips out of me and those blues finally meet mine. Steely. His eyes don’t leave mine as he rights my clothes. “You got what you came for, Celeste? That’s what you wanted. A piece of me, right? Everyone wants a piece of me. I hope you enjoyed it. And I hope it was enough to last you a lifetime.” What? Tossing my underwear in the trashcan on his way out of the room, he barks, “Now, get out.”
****
WALKING OUT HIS apartment is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I stumble down to my car and know that there’s no way I can drive. I pop open my hatchback and trade my shoes for my runners. Then I start the short walk to my house. When I get home, my breathing has returned to normal and some thoughts start registering. But before I can allow that, I need to get the boys squared away.
Taking my cell out, I dial Bonnie. “Hey, girl,” she says.
“Hey, Bon. Can you do me a big favor and pick up the boys from school today? You can bring them back here if you don’t mind and hang out with them.”
“Cel, you know I will, but you sound terrible. What’s going on?”
“It’s Adrian. It’s bad. I’ve got to help him,” I say with a sob. “Can you help me with the boys while I take care of him?”
“Of course. They’re off school tomorrow. I’ll pick them up and we’ll have fun and I can stay with them until whenever, sound good?”
“Yes, thank you. And let’s keep this between you and me. He doesn’t want anyone to know what’s going on.”
“Yeah, I won’t say anything. But do you have help?”
“Yes, Louis is helping me with him. I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to go take a shower and get a game plan together.”
“Love you, girl.”
“Love you too, Bon. Thank you.”
I go into my room and kick off my shoes and pull my skirt and top off, thinking I’d like to burn that whole outfit. Stepping into the shower, I take time to wash my hair thoroughly and soap up my body to the point of ridiculousness. All this time, I hum a song, trying to keep my head clear.
Turning the shower off, I hop out and put on some fresh clothes and wrap my hair in a towel. I go into the kitchen and make a glass of tea and head out to my porch swing.
I feel my whole body relax into it before I allow myself to start contemplating exactly what had gone down between us. I’d given consent to him screwing my brains out and I’d enjoyed it, but when he pulled back and said those things to me and dismissed me, I’d never felt more used in my life. Like trash. He’d made me feel like utter and complete trash. A cut so deep, I don’t have any idea how to staunch the blood.
Tears fill my vision as I consider what this means for us. Is this something I can get over? Being used and discarded like that. The way I’m feeling right now is a billion times worse than William ever made me feel. Is it because Adrian is essentially a good person and to have him treat me that way hurts that much more?
I’m losing my husband. I’m losing the love of my life. He’s pushing me away with everything he’s got and doing a damn fine job of it because for the life of me I can’t imagine ever getting past what just happened.
Looking for comfort, my eyes search out my wisteria that’s in full bloom. I take in the vines that cover the little sitting area in my front yard. Was it just four mornings ago that Adrian and I had sat out there and had coffee and smelled the fragrant flowers that I love so much? I curled up next to him and we’d watched the boys play in the sprinklers because that’s how hot it was already in New Orleans. It was a gorgeous spring day that felt like a new beginning for my sweet family and me. Like the wisteria itself, the peace that I’d finally thought was mine was short-lived. A magnificent, wondrous thing that lasted a mere blink in time.
Before I can reall
y consider what I’m doing, I’m across the yard, glaring at the wisteria. I reach up and start tugging and clawing at it. When I get enough petals in my hand, I crush them and throw them on the ground. The pungent, sickly smell incites me further until I’ve tugged and clawed and crushed almost all the petals from around the latticework. Exhausted, I let myself fall on my knees and I rock and I weep until a voice breaks into my little tantrum.
From across the fence, I hear my nosey neighbor, Mrs. Jones, as her words cut through my sobs. “Celeste, dear, what on earth did the flowers ever do to you?”
I can’t help but laugh. She’s right. I’m being ridiculous. I wipe my tears away and seek her out. “Mrs. Jones, those flowers had it coming.”
She laughs back at me. “Did they now?”
Dusting myself off, I pick myself up from the ground and move over to the fence, snatching up the towel that had fallen off along the way. Looking at my hands, I see the purple stains and smell that magnified sweet smell that’s making my stomach turn. I scrub at them a little with the towel. “Yes, ma’am. Those flowers were way too tempting. They bloom so quickly and smell so wonderful. They lure you in, insinuate themselves into your life, and then, in the blink of an eye, they’re gone. And, of course, they’re the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, but they just don’t last.”
She snickers at me. “You just gotta enjoy ‘em while they’re here. Appreciate them for what they are.”
“True, but I think I’d rather crush them out than have them disappear on me.”
She grins at me. “Does this have anything to with Adrian?’
I just nod.
“Ah, that’s a good man—that one. I’ve never seen someone love another man’s children like that. Always spending time with them. You can tell, too, the way he watches ‘em. You know, a lot of folks act one way when people are watching and another when they think no one’s looking. Not your Adrian. He looks at those boys like they’re his entire world.” I swallow hard and nod. That’s not the issue. “That was until you and him got together, and finally, might I add. Now he openly includes you in that look too. Girl, you really held out there.” I can’t help but laugh at that. I sure did. “I’m impressed with your strength.”
I squint through the bright sun at her and level with her. “I don’t think I’m that strong, Mrs. Jones. I’ve never felt more scared or more compelled to give in and bury my head in the sand than I do right now. Adrian and I are having some…problems.”
She nods at me. “Strength isn’t the ability to feel strong, Celeste. It’s the ability to overcome weakness. You may feel all sorts of ways, but that’s not going to stop you from doing what needs be done.”
Looking down, I scrub at my hands for a moment as I consider her words. No matter how hurt I am by Adrian, I love him and I’ll do anything to help him. When I look back up at her, I smile big. I’m extremely grateful for her nosey nature in this moment. “You’re right, Mrs. Jones. Thank you.”
“Why are you still standing here, honey? Go show your man how strong you are.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Twenty-Four
Merde
SHOOTING ANOTHER TEXT to Adrian while I’m in the elevator, I let him know that I’m going to be heading his way soon. Walking into Hebert and Hebert, I feel like a different person than I was all those months ago when I’d been summoned here. Back then I was just trying to weather the state of being in this family. Now, I wanted nothing more than what they could offer me, or more aptly, offer Adrian. Gladys’s head flies up when she hears my angry heels clicking away on the floor. She gives me a smile before she takes in my look and then she frowns.
“Celeste, dear, everything all right?”
“No, ma’am. Where’s my father?”
“He and the rest of the board are in the conference room. They’ll be done shortly, I believe.”
“Oh, no, that’s actually perfect. I really need to see everyone. No need to announce me.”
She gives me a knowing look over the top of her glasses. “You’re sure about that, hon?”
I stand up straighter and strengthen my spine. “Oh, yes, quite sure.”
She grins at me. “Well, go get ‘em then.”
Opening the door to the conference room, I cringe a bit when I see all these scary powerful men. My father looks up first. His look quickly turns from curious to astonished. He has no idea.
“Good afternoon, gentleman,” I say, getting all their attention now.
Chip speaks first. “Celeste, what on earth are you doing here? We’re in a meeting.”
“I have something that trumps your little meeting, and if you cooperate, it won’t take long. We have a family member in trouble and I need your help. I’ve never asked a single one of you for anything. With the exception of Louis,” I say to him with a wink. He smiles back and stands up to regard me thoughtfully.
Chip opens his mouth to speak again, but I put my hand up and say, “Chip, like I’ve already said, this won’t take long, but I will need you to hold on and hear me out. Adrian has come back from war as you all well know even though you couldn’t be bothered to give a shit. I’m asking you to give a shit now. He’s not doing well. He’s not coping with what he experienced over there. I’m worried about him. He’s drinking and pushing everyone he loves away. He needs and deserves our help. He’s not going to go about this traditional route, but I know that you have ways around all that. I need you to put me in touch with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. He’s going to need quiet, personalized care and all of our support. And you’re going to get it and give it to him.”
“Now, hold on here, little lady,” Chip says with a finger pointed in my direction. “No one in this room owes Adrian a damn thing. That boy has gone and gotten himself into a heap of trouble and all on his own. The way I see it, you need to cut your losses.” He shakes his finger at me. “ I tried to tell you little girl. Like father, like son. Now that you’ve had your fun, it’s time to move on.”
I take a deep breath to avoid losing my temper completely. A tantrum will get me nowhere with these men. “Adrian is the best man I’ve ever know, and I can’t cut my losses because he is more than just a good time, Chip. He’s my husband, and we need your help.” I look from face to face and see their shock register. “You heard me right. We married before he left for Iraq. I love him that much. I love him so much that I would defy all of you and the consequences be damned. Now are you going to help me do what is right for my husband, your family, without a fuss, or are we going to have do to this the hard way?” Silence. They just stare at me. Some with open looks of hostility. Some with shock. My father looks like he feels sorry for me.
Louis finally breaks the silence. He just doesn’t do it the way I expect. Clearing his throat, he says, “I’m gay.”
I can’t help my sudden intake of breath and the instant smile that forms on my face. A laugh escapes me as I watch them all turn their looks of astonishment from me to Louis.
My father spits and sputters a little before he’s finally able to ask, “What do you mean you’re gay?”
“I’m attracted to men not women. I’ve been in relationships with men,” he continues to explain as my father continues to look confused. “It means I’m a homosexual.” He looks away from my father and locks eyes with me and grins. “I’m sorry, Cel. I didn’t mean to steal your thunder, but I’m just so damned proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your feelings and for standing by Adrian. I was inspired.” I just smile. I’m so proud of him.
“Now, son, how do you know you’re attracted to men?” my father persists.
Louis chuckles and winks at our father. “Trust me, I just know. It’s one of those things when you know, you know. Anyway, I told you that because you need to understand something. We,” he points at me and then back at himself, “are done being pulled around like puppets. We’re not perfect. We may not be what you envisioned, what you’d hoped for, but we are good people. We deserve your love,
your support, and your respect. And we’re going to start getting it. The one who needs us the most right now, though, is Adrian. He’s in a bad place. A real bad place.”
Louis pauses, grabs his neck, and looks up at the ceiling for a minute. Looking back at us, he takes us all in. “I promised him I wouldn’t say anything, but you need to know what we’re dealing with here. He told me where he was, which battle he was in. He didn’t say too much about it other than it was bad—the worst kind of bad I could possibly imagine, but I went home and did a little research.” He pauses again and looks at me with remorse in his eyes. “It was the place we’d all heard about. The one that’s under investigation for war crimes because of the number of civilian casualties and the number of unethical tactics both sides are being accused of implementing. It’s being called the bloodiest battle the U.S. has seen since Vietnam.” I gasp. I had no idea. I’d heard of this, of course. But Adrian would never tell me where he was. He wasn’t allowed to divulge his whereabouts while he was there, and he wouldn’t say when he came home.
My father-in-law finally speaks up again. “You know, he has his own father and they’ve always done quite fine without us. I suggest you go and petition him for help. We’re staying out of this mess.”
My father tries to speak up, but I beat him to the punch. I’m done standing around trying to make them see reason. I’ve got to get back to Adrian.
“No, you’re not staying out of it,” I say, ice in my voice and in my veins. “And here’s why. I gave you the opportunity to step up and help of your own accord.” I smile a knowing smile. “I want you to remember that. Now you’re going to help because you have to.” Leveling my eyes at Chip, since he seems to be my main opposition. “Chip, Daddy, you’ll be disappointed to hear that Tripp did not trust either of you to do right by me, and he left some information for me to use if you tried to hurt me or my children.” I pause and bask in every second of watching Chip’s face fall and rendering him speechless. “Several months ago I was approached and given some information that will bring you both,” I emphasize and glance between them, “to your knees. And you both know what I’m referring to. Now there are copies of this with the investigator who gave it to me and in various locations. If either of you try to acquire this information, I will release it as soon as possible. And if I’m not able, there are certain people who will release it on my behalf. Is that understood?” The look that passes between them is priceless. “Everything you’ve worked for gone and all because you couldn’t treat your daughter and the people you are supposed to love with a little human decency. Your squabble with us over things that don’t even concern you like who we love will be your downfall. It’s not worth it.