by Lisa De Jong
“You love me?” I struggle to say. My voice is strained.
“I’ve loved you since you spilled cocktail sauce on my favorite pair of jeans,” he says with a laugh. “You were so cute and sweet. You made me change, and you must have washed those jeans three times before I left. You gave it your all, but I got news for you—the remnants remained. There was only one problem. You were married to my favorite cousin. A good man and a good father and, as far as I could tell, a good husband—and I felt like a complete scoundrel.”
“Scoundrel?” I ask with a laugh. “You didn’t do anything wrong, though. I’d forgotten all about that part of dinner. Thanks for reminding me. I was so embarrassed.” To tell the truth or not? He’d been honest with me. “I’m not normally a klutz but I was so...affected by you, and I’d never experienced anything like it.” He pulls back to look at me. “Never,” I reiterate. “I didn’t mean to feel that way, and the guilt that ensued was tremendous. One glance at you and the pull I felt just…consumed me. Like you were the one person who could hold me to this universe if my body ever felt the desire to float off—an anchor. That’s how I’ve always viewed you. My anchor. I can’t believe it’s possible to be this attracted and this drawn to someone. Sometimes I think the way I feel about you is crazy, Adrian.” I shake my head in awe. “I love all of your emotions—moody, carefree, protective, grouchy, sensitive, domineering. Everything about you is precious to me.” I reach up and rub his scruffy cheek for a second while he takes in everything I’ve said.
“You have no idea what those words mean to me, Cel. I’ve been so...torn. The biggest part of me wanted to cling to you and make you mine while the other part felt like I had to push you away in order to protect you.”
“I understand. I do. And I said all that so you would know that I mean this—I love you too, Adrian. I’ve known it for a long time too. That night I kissed you for the first time, deep down, that was it for me. I convinced myself I was acting on a whim of attraction, but it was so much more than that. The only reason I didn’t want to admit it to myself or you was because I feared the hailstorm I would bring down on us.”
“You’re right to be afraid. It’s not going to be pretty. That night you kissed me, so sweet, so tentative...I wanted you so badly for myself but knew I couldn’t have you without serious consequences for the both of us. I was willing to accept them, but I didn’t want that for you or the boys. I’ve always wanted better for you than me.”
“What? What do you mean? You’re the best thing for me. I’ve been beyond miserable since the concert that night. It’s more than just attraction with you, Adrian. I mean you’re beautiful and I feel physically drawn to you, but you’ve also become my best friend and so much more. I’d already been so miserable, but to have to hurt you like that, it killed me. I was just afraid of all that they might do, and I still am. I’m just not fearful enough to let it stop me anymore.”
“We’ll figure it out, Celeste. I know they’re powerful, but we’ll find a way.”
I want to ask him what they have on him, but I don’t want to ruin this moment. There’s plenty of time for the drama that will ensue later, so I tackle a less stressful topic. “I feel funny asking you this, but what do you see happening between us? I mean, if I’m going to bring the wrath of my father and father-in-law down on me, I want to know what I’m getting in exchange.”
“Celeste, I’ve only told one other woman I’ve loved her, and I’m almost thirty years old.” My heart plummets with that knowledge. On the one hand, one’s not bad. On the other, I’d like to strangle the one who beat me to the punch of being the recipient of Adrian’s love. “I think it’s safe to say that I’m not going anywhere. You think I would invite this kind of trouble if I had doubts about us lasting?” I smile with this sentiment. I can see us lasting.
“OK,” I whisper.
“By the way, that other woman who’s heard those words from me…” He pauses and I nod my head, encouraging him to share more. “She’s biologically engineered to love me back,” he says with a grin.
My brow furrows as I try to figure out what he means. After a second, I gasp. “Your mother?”
“Yes, I’ve only ever told my mother I loved her. Others, I’ve said things like I care about you, you’re amazing, love ya—”
“OK! I get it!” I say, nudging his shoulder a bit. “Have you been with a lot of women?”
“Hmm...what’s a lot?” he asks.
“I don’t know. I’ve only ever been with two men and was married to one of them for fourteen years. A lot to me would be five.”
“Then, yes, I’ve been with a lot of women.”
“Got it.”
“But you’re the only one who matters. The only one who matters forever.”
Forever—my heart rejoices. “It’s a little soon to talk forever, don’t you think?”
“If that scares you, I won’t talk like that; but, no, I don’t think it’s too soon. Our past might have been rocky, but I think our future’s inevitable.”
Our forever is inevitable—my heart exults. A sudden thought causes my heart to stop. “Ugh...I hate to bring this up but...what about the doppelgänger?”
“The what?”
I laugh at my little inside joke. “Oh, I mean, Jennifer. What about Jennifer?”
He furrows his brow at me. “What about her?”
“I’ve never been the other woman or cheated or anything along those lines. I don’t like all that.”
He laughs at me. “Oh, well, that’s good to know.”
I squeeze his arm. “Don’t laugh at me. I’m serious. I don’t want to be that woman.”
“Ah...you could never be that woman when you’re my woman.”
“Your woman?” I choke out.
“Yeah, you gotta problem with that?” His voice drips with arrogance.
The look he gives me takes my breath away. It’s a compliment, not an affront to my independence. I level with him and myself. “No, I like it,” I say simply.
“Good, because that’s the way it is now.”
“And Jennifer?” I remind him. I’m not letting this go. I don’t want anything to mar our being together.
“There is no Jennifer. We ended things last night.”
“You did?” I mentally clap my hands together.
“Yes, after I saw you on the street, I realized I couldn’t pretend with her anymore. It wasn’t fair to either of us. I figured I just needed time to get over you and that I didn’t need to use someone while doing that.” Pulling me closer, he continues, “When I saw you yesterday and realized that you didn’t want to see me or speak to me, it hurt. I’ve never hurt so bad in my entire life. I went back to the apartment and kept replaying it. That look on your face as if I was the last person on this earth you wanted to see. I fucking hated it. I didn’t know what I could do about it, but I hated it. After a while, I realized that I needed to end it with her and...”
After a few seconds of waiting for him to go on, I prompt him, “And what?”
“And I decided to leave town.” I inhale sharply. “I had decided to move on, literally—that I couldn’t take it anymore. Then I got so pissed. Pissed that I wouldn’t be a part of your life or the boys’ lives. I called myself every name in the book, drank a bunch of beer, and...if you ever tell anyone, I’ll deny it—cried like a freakin’ baby.”
My heart clenches. I’m thrilled that he cared enough to have that reaction, but I ache for the pain I’ve caused him. “I’m so sorry, Adrian. I hope we never hurt each other like that again.”
He runs his fingertips across my cheek. “I’m sorry we hurt each other too. Then, tonight with Archer.” He releases a deep sigh. “I realized that I can’t live without y’all. Y’all are my world, and I’m done letting others refuse us our world. All I want to do is hold you and protect you and love you. Will you let me do that, no matter the consequences?”
I nod in total agreement of all he’s said. “Yes, that’s all I want too. We can
’t let them get between us. It’s what they do—make you question your own sanity.”
“I’m ready for them. I feel like with you by my side I can take on anything, anyone.”
I smile before his lips reach mine again and tell him, “We can, Adrian. And we will.”
Thirteen
Turn Me Inside Out
ADRIAN AND I decide that it would be best if we keep quiet for a little bit regarding our relationship. His argument: the sooner we say anything, the sooner they start trying to rip us to shreds. I had my reservations, but I have to admit it’s actually kind of fun having a secret relationship. No one else’s bias gets in the way. We can get to know each other on that level without all the drama. A few days after our decision to be together, we plan an afternoon with the boys at the zoo. Our zoo is absolutely one of my favorite places on earth.
We have lots of junk food. Finn rides the elephant. Paris feeds the monkeys. Archer is...quiet. I try to get him to join in the fun, but he just gives me a small smile and half-heartedly obliges me before succumbing to his own thoughts once again.
I sit on one of the wooden benches a little ways back from the lions and admire how good Adrian is with the boys. He’s got Finn on his shoulders, which seems to be his favorite seat. Paris is leaning into him and whispering excitedly, glancing up at Adrian to make sure that he shows some kind of response to each of his comments. And, although Archer hasn’t said much, he stands next to Adrian. Every now and then I see Adrian squeeze Archer’s shoulder. I’m wondering what’s going on in that thoughtful little head of his.
After several minutes, Adrian scoops Finn from around his shoulders and deposits him next to the other boys before joining me on the bench. “I’m worried about Archer,” I tell Adrian once he gets settled.
“Me too. He’s usually the quieter of the three but never this quiet. What do you think’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a sigh. “He just seems to be doing some heavy thinking. I’ll talk to him about it tonight.”
I glance down and smile when I see our hands resting next to each other. One more millimeter and we’d be touching. He follows my gaze and laughs. “You have no idea how bad I want to touch you right now. Damn, pretty much all day, I’ve been dying to touch you.”
I laugh with him. “I think I have a pretty clear idea about how desperate you are if it’s anything like what I’m feeling.”
“So when do you want to tell the boys? And do you want me there when you tell them?”
I glance back at them before answering. “I don’t know all the details of what and how I want to tell them, but I want them to know soon. I don’t like keeping them in the dark.”
“Yeah, me either.” He glances toward them now, and the look he gives my boys melts my bones.
“We haven’t even spoken of the possibility of my dating. I know they are sensitive, loving people; but I have no idea how they’re going to react.”
“Try not to worry about it too much. I think they’ll be OK with it.”
“You do?”
“Yep,” he grins a knowing grin.
I fall right into it. “What?”
“About four months ago, right after you kissed me that first time—”
“Hey, we kissed each other!” I protest.
“You kissed me first, though,” he says with a laugh.
“Yeah, and don’t you forget it,” I whisper.
“Mmm...I want to you kiss you so bad right now,” he says in that husky voice that drives me mad.
I glance over at the kids and back again. Heat surrounds us like a tangible thing. “I interrupted you,” I’m barely able to say.
He shakes his head a little and focuses his gaze on the boys while he rehashes their conversation. “Yeah, so about four months ago, the boys and I were headed to baseball practice, and we got caught in some traffic. We started talking about everything under the sun. I don’t have to tell you that they are great conversationalists.” I smile and nod my head knowingly. “Finn started talking about his friend who was getting a new step-dad, and that led to them wondering aloud how long it would be before you started dating. I let them meander their way around the topic before finally asking them how they would feel about it.”
“And...?”
He blows out a breath and says, “They said they’d be good with it on one condition.”
“Really? What condition?”
Finally, he looks back at me and pins me with his beautiful blue-eyed gaze. “They said they’d be good with it but only if...you dated me.”
“Really?” I manage to squeak out.
He nods at me, his look becoming even more intense. “Finn said he wanted me to be his dad.”
My eyes well with tears immediately and I seek Finn out in the crowd. That crushes me in more than one way. Part of me is over the moon to know that they’d accept my and Adrian’s new relationship. But another part aches that they don’t have their father and that they are missing out on that. No matter how amazing and generous Adrian is, he could never replace their father, and having Adrian help out the way he has been isn’t even a close second. But what we’re building, it’s going to be beautiful.
“That breaks my heart,” I finally tell him. “It’s sad that they have to go through their whole lives without their dad.”
“It is, but they’re doing remarkably well. I think we’ve found a good balance for them, don’t you?”
I look at him and take in his sincere expression. He really cares about what my boys need and how they feel. It was one of my great fears when I considered how I would move forward after Tripp. “The way you care about them, Adrian, is just so...unexpected and wonderful. I’m so grateful for you.”
About that time, Finn bounds without warning into my lap. “I’m ready to go see the snakes,” he says as he pulls my face to his by my cheeks.
“Oh...snakes,” I whisper with tears brimming my eyes again. Watching his big brown eyes light up with excitement after everything Adrian and I just discussed is overwhelming. “I’m not crazy about snakes. Maybe Adrian could take you in and I’ll wait outside.”
“Yeah, OK. Adrian, will you take us to see the snakes since Mom’s being a girl?”
This causes me to giggle and my tears become happy ones. “I’m always a girl, Finn.”
“Yeah, but you’re acting like one now. There’s a difference.”
This causes us all to break out in laughter. “My funny man,” I say as I ruffle his hair.
Adrian picks up our zoo paraphernalia, rubs Finn on the head, and says, “Let’s go, little man.”
Finn pops his tiny fists up, dances around like a fighter, and says, “Who you calling little? I can take you. Let’s go.”
“Haha, not now. Maybe later. Let’s go, boys.”
I smile as I watch the boys with Adrian again and feel my whole countenance rejoice. They are talking to him animatedly like they hadn’t spoken in years. He hangs on their every word.
****
THE BOYS FALL asleep in Adrian’s truck on the way home, and I barely live ten minutes from the zoo. We ate at the café before heading out—full bellies and worn out little bodies—all in a day’s work. That’s good because Adrian and I could get to what had quickly become our ritual and the favorite part of my day.
After getting the boys tucked in, I make my way to my bathroom to freshen up and change my clothes. I decide to take a quick shower, so I call out and get Adrian’s attention. He walks over to my door where I have only my head hanging out for modesty’s sake. “I’m going to jump in the shower real quick. I feel gross,” I tell him.
His eyes darken and he whispers huskily, “Please don’t tell me you’re naked behind this flimsy door.”
I glance down at my body, look back up at him, and answer, “Umm...OK, I won’t tell you that I’m naked.”
Placing his hand on the door even with where my chest rests, he groans and leans his forehead on the doorjamb. “Ah...Celeste, you’re
killing me. I’m trying to be good here.”
Bringing my lip in, I bite it in frustration before I ask, “And why are we being good exactly?”
He draws back like I’ve slapped him, his brow furrowed. “I figured you would want to wait.”
I gasp. “What made you come to that conclusion? I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”
He chuckles at my candor. “I don’t know. You’re a good girl. Good girls like to wait for milestones and shit.”
I raise my brows. “Milestones and shit?”
“Yeah, like after the third date and stuff like that.”
“Oh,” I whisper. “Maybe I’m not a good girl.”
“Oh, yes, you are.”
“I’m thinking I must not be because I don’t want to wait.”
He runs his hands through his hair and over his scruff. “Are we really having this conversation while you’re standing there naked on the other side of a door?”
My head falls back with the force of my laughter. “I guess we are.”
“What if I said that I want to wait?”
“Do you?” My eyes widen.
“I do. I want us to be...different.”
“Me too,” I agree.
He flicks this thumb toward the other bathroom. “On that note, I’ll hop in the other shower while you tidy up.”
I groan a little at the thought of us showering so close yet so far away. “Fine. Do you think there’ll be enough hot water?”
He starts to walk away, throwing over his shoulder, “No worries. Mine’s gonna be a cold one.” My laughter follows him down the hall.
After showering I throw on some comfy clothes to include a bright blue camisole, which reminds me of Adrian’s eyes, and a stretchy pair of white short shorts. Tossing my glasses on, I make my way out to the sunroom. Adrian is playing on his phone and is already seated on the loveseat—the piece of furniture that had become the location of our make-out sessions. I’d never really made out with anyone; it is great fun if a lot on the frustrating side.