by Lisa De Jong
As I’m walking out of the massage room, getting ready to sign out at the front desk, a blond coming down the hallway almost runs right into me. “Oh, excuse me!” I say, embarrassed.
“No problem,” she mutters, stopping abruptly.
Oh my God, it’s Gwen. Holy shit! Well, it was a nice day.
“Oh!” she says surprised, “Evie, right?” The look on her face tells me that she’s just about as happy to see me this time as she was the last, and the temperature in the spa seems to dip several degrees.
“Right. Hi, Gwen. Nice to see you.” I try to make my way around her, but she sidesteps in front of me, blocking my escape.
“Funny running into you here. I’m assuming Jake sent you?” she says as if she knows very well that I could never afford to come here on my own dime.
I pull myself up straight. If she’s going to make a cat fight out of this, I’m not going to slink away like I have something to be ashamed of. “He did,” I say, smiling a fake smile. “He likes to pamper me.”
“Right,” she says back, smirking. “I’ll bet. Listen, Evie, I’m going to be a friend to you here and lay it on you straight. I know you probably think you don’t have a lot of reason to trust me considering the last time we met I… exaggerated a few things between Jake and me. But I feel like it might be in your best interest to realize a few things.”
I stare at her speechless, which I guess she takes as her cue to continue.
“I’ve known Jake a long time. In all states of… sobriety. He doesn’t even know some of the things that he’s divulged to me when he was drunk or high off his ass. But, sober or not, it always comes down to the same thing. He’ll never love anyone except her. If you think you love him, you should know that he’s just trying to turn you into her. I’ve seen him do it again and again. He takes a poor little mouse, uses her, gives her nice things, makes her think he has real feelings for her, and then throws her away when it becomes obvious that she’s not her. You’ll never be enough for him, Evie. It’s not you he really wants.”
At her words, I die a thousand deaths. It’s my greatest fear. I’ll never be enough for anyone. Not ever. No one ever wants to keep me. Not when it comes down to it. In my life, I’ve been thrown away again and again by those that I thought loved me. I can’t live through it again. I can’t.
I push past her, trying desperately to get away from her words, cutting me to the bone.
“He has her picture on his back,” she calls after me. “Surely you’ve seen it?”
I look back at her with wide eyes, mouth open in question and she just laughs. “He hasn’t let you see. Typical. Run while you can, honey.”
Then she turns and saunters down the hall while my heart shatters into a million pieces. I feel brittle, breakable, like I might crumble right there in the hall of the luxury spa. I walk to the counter, numb, and sign the paperwork. The girl behind the counter tells me that all cost, including tip has been taken care of and that they look forward to seeing me again soon. I smile what feels like a broken smile and walk woodenly out the door.
Jake told me to text him when I was almost done and he’d send a car for me but I don’t call him. Instead, I walk the five or so blocks to his condo, my head swimming. I arrive at the front door, not even remembering the walk there. I ring the bell and the deskman opens it for me. His smile freezes on his face when he sees me but he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong. He just buzzes Jake’s condo and talks into the phone in quiet tones.
“Mr. Madsen will meet you outside the elevator,” he says, guiding me inside and pressing in the code.
It takes a million years for the elevator to get to Jake’s floor and when it opens, Jake is standing there, a perplexed look on his face. He takes one look at me and pales. “Evie, baby, what’s wrong?” he asks as he puts his arms around me and leads me into his condo. I let him, not knowing what to do.
He closes the door behind us, and he turns me toward him, taking my face in his hands and looking in my eyes. “Evie, talk to me, love, what’s wrong?”
“Take off your shirt, Jake,” I say expressionless.
A look of confusion crosses his features. “What? Baby, I don’t understand.”
“Let me see your back, Jake,” I say, gazing into his eyes, begging him to laugh and tell me I’m being ridiculous.
Instead, a look of dawning crosses his expression and he closes his eyes. When he opens them, he looks pained. “Evie, who did you talk to? Baby, let me explain first.”
“No!” I scream, suddenly irate, voice shaking. “Show me your back, Jake!”
He closes his eyes again and drops his head, and then he looks me in the eyes as he reaches down and takes the hem of his shirt, lifting it up and over his head. For a second he just stands there, bare chested and staring into my eyes. Then, he slowly turns away from me, giving me his full naked back and dropping his head.
My eyes lift and I let out a gasp. For stretched across the entirety of the top half of his back is a tattoo, and as I study it, a strangled cry comes to my lips, and I stumble backwards.
The artwork is done in shades of black, with beautiful scrolls around the edges. It is the inside of a circus arena. In the middle background is the master of ceremonies, his face turned sideways, lost in shadow. There is a little pale-haired girl walking a tightrope in the far right corner and several clowns, male and female, in the far right background. But when I look closely, their faces are not silly or funny, but ghastly, evil, sharp teeth dripping blood and eyes bloodshot and crazed.
And in the middle of the arena, the central art, there is a creature, half man and half lion with the man side facing slightly away so that his features are unclear and the lion side fully exposed, vicious and roaring, up on his hind paws, lunging toward a girl holding a fiery ring.
My eyes move slowly to the girl, as if in a trance, and my breath hitches in my throat. Her face is serene, calm, a slight smile on her lips, and she is looking directly at the man-lion, no fear in her expression at all. She is young but I recognize her immediately. She is me.
And she is a lion tamer.
Oh my God. Oh God, Oh God.
The moment slams into sharp focus, and I let out a quiet, strangled cry.
At the sound, Jake jolts, but he remains standing with his head hung, facing away from me. I walk around him and take his chin in my hand, lifting it so his tortured eyes meet mine. My hand is shaking, my heart is beating wildly, but I don’t hear any expression in my voice as I look into his eyes and ask, “Why are you looking at me?”
His eyes search mine for several long seconds before he holds contact and whispers, “Because I like your face.”
I stumble backwards, crying out, and then turn and run. I fling his front door open and run to the elevator, pushing the button desperately. The elevator opens immediately. It never left his floor. I fling myself inside and push the lobby button. As the doors close, Jake appears in his doorway, a look of desperation on his face. “Evie,” he chokes out just as the doors close.
I stumble out the front door of his building and I run.
CHAPTER 26
I run until my lungs are burning and the tears running down my face have stopped falling. And then I walk, but I don’t stop moving.
My mind is a jumbled mess and all I keep coming back to is that tattoo. At first I want to sob and scream, I want to beat my hands against something, but strangely, the farther I move from Jake, the more numb I become until I am walking dry eyed and lethargic down the street.
I stop when I see a small park and wander over to a bench. I sit down and pull my cell phone out of my purse. There are seventeen missed calls from Jake. I erase them and dial Nicole.
“Hey babe,” she says cheerily.
“Nicole,” I start but my voice breaks.
“Evie, what’s wrong, honey?” she asks, concern spilling from her voice.
“He’s been lying to me, Nicole.”
“Who? Jake? Honey, about what? Where are you?”
“I ran. I don’t know. I’m in a park… I don’t know. Hold on, there’s a sign…” I read her the name of the park and she says quickly, “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Hold tight, honey.”
I sit on the bench, staring into space until Nicole’s small car pulls up next to the curb. I climb in, and when she sees my face, she opens her arms and I do a head plant into her shoulder. She holds me as I cry more tears I didn’t think I had.
“What’s going on, hon? Tell me,” she says, wiping wetness off my cheeks with her thumbs.
“He’s Leo, Nic. That story he told me about Leo dying in a car accident isn’t true. Because he’s Leo.” I frown. “But he’s Jake, too. I don’t understand it.”
Nicole looks stunned. “He’s Leo? Your Leo? The Leo? But why didn’t he tell you? How did you find out?”
“Nicole, can we go to your house? I want to wash my face and… is that okay?”
“Of course, let’s go.” She pulls out, and I lay my head back on the seat and close my eyes. Nicole must know I need to rest for a few minutes because she doesn’t ask me any more questions on the drive.
We go into her house and it’s quiet. “Where’s Kaylee?” I ask.
“She’s with Mike’s mom today and tonight. I thought it might be nice to have an adult night since we were going to meet Jake.” She shoots me a look and bites her lip.
I sigh. “Can I clean myself up a little bit? I’m a freakin’ mess.”
“Yeah, go do that and I’ll make some tea… or do you want something stronger?” She smiles.
I laugh for the first time since I left the spa. “Later. For now tea is good.”
I clean myself up in the bathroom, smoothing my hair back down which is all blown to heck, and holding a cold, wet washcloth on my eyes for a few minutes each. When I come out, I feel better.
I find Nicole curled up on one side of her sofa with a steaming cup of tea in her hand. She gestures to mine on the table next to the big, upholstered chair to her right.
I curl up and pull the afghan draped across the arm, over my lap. I pick up my tea and take a sip as Nicole says, “Tell me what happened today.”
I recount my run in with Gwen at the spa, and then when I tell her about confronting Jake and about his tattoo, Nicole sucks in breath and says, “What? YOU are the girl on his back? Okay, wow, this is blowing my mind. But, wait, I don’t get it… what does it mean?”
Haltingly, I tell her about Leo’s family, his brother, his pain, and the story I’d made up to try to ease his suffering, at least momentarily. I only cry once during the telling of it, remembering a roof on a hot summer night and a broken boy in my arms.
I look up at Nicole and her eyes are glistening with tears too. “Wow, Evie,” she chokes. “He carried that with him on his skin all these years. That’s just… wow. That’s beautiful.”
“He lied to me, Nic, twice. In my life, that boy destroyed me… and now the man has been deceiving me.” I have no idea how to feel right now. My mind is reeling with hurt and confusion.
“Are you going to give him a chance to explain things to you, honey? I’m not saying you’ll be able to forgive him. I have no idea what he’ll say, but I think you need to listen to him.” She looks at me worriedly.
I mull over her words for a few minutes and then I sigh. “I guess I owe that to myself too. I just can’t process all of this right now. I need time.”
“Okay, hon. You go to him when you’re ready. Just hear him out. You deserve answers.”
I nod, taking a sip of my tea.
Nicole speaks again, haltingly, softly, “Honey, you really didn’t recognize him? Not even a little bit?”
I’m silent for several minutes, sipping my tea, deep in thought about her question. “I mean, Nicole, he looks so different. I guess now that I know, I can see the boy that he once was in some of his features, but, I mean… okay, who was the first boy you kissed?”
Nicole grins. “Jimmy Valente. We were fourteen. He was my boyfriend for a year.”
“Okay, can you conjure up his face in your mind right now?”
She looks up, concentrating, then frowns. “No, I guess I can’t.”
“Okay, well imagine that Jimmy Valente was a scrappy, skinny kid in worn clothes the last time you saw him, and then eight years later you came upon this huge, stunning, Godlike creature in a designer suit whose hair had darkened and who had gotten dental work and he told you his name was Tom Smith. You might not recognize him either.”
I feel defensive because truthfully, why didn’t I recognize him? He was the love of my life, up until I met Jake anyway, or… wait… God, this is all so fucked up.
“Also, Nic, you have to realize that after Leo left and didn’t contact me again, it was so painful for me that, in my mind, he was still that boy on the roof with me, almost… I don’t know, frozen in time. It was easier for me to convince myself that he remained there in a real sense. To picture him walking around in the world, not caring about me, hurt too much. I guess I compartmentalized him. There was the real world, and then there was that boy… lost in the past. Jake showed up and he was part of the real world, completely separate from that boy on the roof.” I rub my eyes. “God, am I even making sense?”
“Yeah, I think I understand. I have some things in my past, granted, nothing overly traumatic, but you know, just things I prefer to leave in my past for one reason or another, and I put those things in a special category called ‘things I’ve decided never to think about again’.” She laughs a quiet laugh.
I smile. “Yeah, something like that.”
We’re both quiet again for a minute or two and then I say, “The thing is, I think a part of me did recognize him, something visceral, something more instinctual. I just didn’t question it enough because truthfully, I didn’t want to. Maybe I did know and chose not to admit it to myself. I’ve always been good at shutting things out that felt unpleasant to me,” I say sadly.
“Everything was just so intense with Jake… Leo… whatever. Jeez, this is like one of those crazy soaps where people are suddenly coming back to life all over the place.”
I rub my sore eyes and Nicole looks at me sadly. “It came in handy for you for a long time.”
I nod. We are quiet for a minute and Nicole is furrowing her brow. “What was Leo’s full name, Evie?”
I reach back into my mind for a minute. Obviously I know his first and last name but do I remember his middle name? And then my eyes widen and I whisper, “Leo Jacob McKenna.” I drop my head to my hand. “Am I completely blind?”
“No, everything seems clear now that you know the truth. You were… caught up. It’s not difficult to understand. But he owes you an explanation. He needs to tell you what the fuck happened eight years ago and why he’s been lying to you about who he is now. Then you decide if you can accept what he has to say.”
I feel the weight of the situation again and tears spring to my eyes. “I’m gonna lose him again, aren’t I? Either that or I’m gonna have to let him go. I don’t know if I can do it twice. I don’t know if I’ll survive it again.”
“Okay, don’t panic. Let’s just take this one step at a time. Mike will be home at five. We’ll have a nice dinner, just the three of us. We’ll have wine. You’ll stay here with us tonight. You’ll feel better in the morning, and then you can decide when you’re ready to let lion boy have his say.” She winks at me.
God, I’m so lucky to have her. Friends are the family you get to choose for yourself. It’s never been clearer to me that I’ve made very good decisions in this category.
After dinner and catching Mike up on the twilight zone that is my life right now, we crack open a bottle of wine, and I actually giggle a time or two at their attempts to make me laugh with stories of their adolescent love fails.
As much as Mike and Nicole have been successful in distracting me, I know I’m going to have to face reality in the morning, so I borrow a pair of Nicole’s p.j.’s and turn in.
I climb into bed and turn on my phone. There are fourteen new calls from Jake/Leo. There are four text messages basically begging me to call him, and one voicemail. With shaking fingers, I listen to it.
“Evie, God, I… please call me. I’m going crazy here. You ran and I don’t even know if you’re okay. Baby, please just let me know you’re okay. At least that. Even if you don’t want to talk to me… or, even if you don’t want anything to do with me
A tear rolls down my cheek. What am I going to do? I type in a quick, two word text message to Jake/Leo: I’m safe.
I wait for a couple minutes but there’s no response. I turn off my phone again and fall into a fitful sleep.
****
The next morning I wake early and Nicole and Mike’s house is quiet. Not wanting to wake them, I write a quick note and sneak out the front door quietly. I catch the bus to my apartment and let myself in. I linger under the hot water, shave everywhere and when I emerge, I feel refreshed and ready to face the day, whatever it may bring. I dress in a pair of favorite jeans and a demi sleeved, cowl necked green sweater that is fitted around the hips and is belted at the waist. I pull on my short brown boots and pull my hair back into a messy bun after I’ve partially dried it. I put on mascara, a little blusher and some lip gloss.
It’s been weeks since I’ve done a proper shopping trip and so I leave my apartment in search of coffee. I walk to a Starbucks about twenty minutes away and forty-five minutes later, I’m caffeinated and have even eaten a half blueberry muffin, and feel semi-human.
I turn the corner to my apartment and immediately, I spy Jake’s dark silver BMW parked out front. I walk slowly down the block, and he’s in front of me before I even make it halfway there.
He looks like hell, like he hasn’t slept a wink and I can’t help it, I want to soothe him. He has his hands in his jeans pockets, and he is looking at me, a look of longing and uncertainty, his gorgeous face a mix of insecurity that hits me right in the gut. That look, I realize, the one that made my heart beat faster in my chest right from the beginning, it’s all Leo, my uncertain boy.