by Lisa De Jong
“Caroline! That can’t be you, can it?”
The smile on his face and his sheer joy at seeing me makes me lose it. I start crying through my wobbly smile. And then he comes to a complete stop when he sees Gracie.
“Caroline?” he asks, tentatively.
“It’s me,” I say shyly. “Did you not know we were coming?”
He looks confused and shakes his head. “No,” he laughs, “I just got home from Tulma! I-I’m shocked!”
I walk the rest of the way to him and he studies Gracie. His mouth drops again and his face crumbles when he looks in her eyes.
“This is Gracie,” I tell him. “Your little girl.”
I look at our girl. “Gracie, this is your daddy.”
She holds her arms out to him and he takes her and wraps her in a hug. She squeezes him tight, and his eyes close as he breathes her in. When he opens them and looks at me, I expect to see bitterness, but all I see is relief.
He holds out a hand to touch my face and I remember all the reasons why I never got over him.
“This is really happening?” he asks.
I begin trembling, and I reach out for him so I won’t go down. He hugs me to him and my tears get his shirt all wet. He smells like he just got out of the shower.
“You sure feel real,” he says.
We hug until Gracie squeaks, “Yook! That moon’s got yong yegs yike mine!”
She’s pointing up at the moon, and sure enough, the beams look like long legs shining down on us.
Isaiah looks at her in wonder. “Did she really just say that?” He stares at me. “You’re so beautiful. Both of you. I’ve gotta be dreamin’ right now…”
I smile at him, my insides pouring out gratefulness that he doesn’t hate me. And another feeling that I’d long ago tucked away under an extremely heavy protective coat and put in the freezer for safekeeping.
My dad clears his throat.
“Dan!” Isaiah holds his extra arm out to my dad and they hug. Then they’re in some sort of a headlock. “Thank you for bringing her to me.”
The sight of my dad and Isaiah obviously having a connection does something for me that I didn’t expect. My chest feels like it’s going to burst right out of my skin.
“I tried to tell her that you searched the world over for her for a long time. I think she might believe me now.” Dad turns around and winks at me.
I go all splotchy.
“Caroline!” Sadie comes out of the door and runs straight for me. “I didn’t even get to tell him yet! He snuck in on me!” She hugs me. “As I live and breathe, child, I can’t believe it’s you. Look at you!” She looks at Isaiah then. “And who is this you’ve g-”
She puts her hand to her mouth and a sob escapes. “Oh sweet lamb of God, that is your child, Isaiah.” She looks at me then with her eyebrows bunched together.
I confirm. “She is. I-I wasn’t sure when I was pregnant, but as soon as I saw her, I knew.”
Gracie looks at Sadie and waves. “Hi.”
Sadie giggles. “Hi. I’m Sadie, your grandma.”
“Gwacie,” she pats her hand on her chest and nods, “I Gwacie.” Then she reaches out her arms for Sadie to take her. “Gwandma, Gwacie, Gwacie, Gwandma.” Gracie laughs at the sound of that and it’s as if she’s tapped a magic wand over us. Her laughter puts us all at ease.
Isaiah holds out a hand to me. “Come inside? Sorry, we’ve kept you out in this cold for so long. I’m not thinkin’ straight. I seriously did just drive in from Tulma.” He shakes his head and doesn’t take his eyes off me, even when he talks to my dad. “I was worried about you, Dan…since I couldn’t get an answer at your place.”
We walk inside and Sadie tells us to have a seat. Gracie is already chatting her ear off.
Dad speaks up, “I tried to call you too, back before I ever went to Caroline’s, but when I didn’t get you I thought it must be meant to be. I didn’t know if you were needing to…you know…not think about it all for a while.”
Isaiah looks at me and smiles. “I tried that. It didn’t work.”
I swallow hard and wish for the cold air again to cool me off.
“I always loved how your cheeks turned pink when anyone talked about you,” he says so only I can hear.
Sadie clears her throat and says, “Dan, would you like to help me set the table for dinner while these children catch up?”
“I’d be happy to,” he answers, and they go in the other room with Gracie.
I look down at my hands and he takes them in his. I’m overwhelmed by all the feelings that are still there. Tears blind my vision and I try to blink them away, but they stream down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Isaiah. So sorry.”
He sucks in air and blows it out. “Why didn’t you tell me we had a baby, Caroline?”
I look at him then. His eyes are so hurt and yet, still full of love. It’s blinding. He looks ready to say something, when suddenly, his hand stops rubbing mine. He looks down and his face falls.
I look down and see what he’s staring at—my engagement ring.
“You’re married?”
There’s the voice and look I expected. Hurt, anger, disbelief.
“No, but I almost got married,” I tell him honestly.
“Tell me everything,” he says. “Start from the day you left me…that killed me, you know.”
He gives me a look of anger then, and I know my explanation will never be enough.
But I try…from when I realized that I couldn’t keep hurting him and holding him back from being all he could be. The reasons I left him that day. Meeting Brenda and deciding to stay in Bardstown. What I felt when I saw how crazy he was about his girlfriend…
He holds up a hand. “That was not my girlfriend…that was my cousin, Nia. And I am crazy about her, you are right about that part…but as a cousin.”
He scowls at me and I want to take back that day more than anything.
“Well, I really wish I’d cleared that up with you that day…would have saved me the gutting that took place in my heart.” I try to say it lightheartedly, but it’s not believable.
I have to try or else I won’t be able to wipe myself up off the floor. Why? Why didn’t I go to him anyway?
Isaiah leans his forehead over on mine. “Can I do this?” he asks.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Dammit, Caroline, I can’t hate you. I-God knows I’ve tried, but I just can’t. You’re here. I’ve been lost…okay, then what happened?” He runs a finger along my jaw.
I tell him all about Papa and then Ruby coming right after Gracie was born. “They saved me. I don’t know how I would have made it without them…”
“Thank God you had each other,” he whispers, his hands running through my hair.
I’d forgotten how just a look from Isaiah would send shivers down my spine. The feel of his hands in my hair makes me shudder.
I tell him about writing him the letter on Gracie’s first birthday and then guilt that I didn’t have the guts to tell him sooner.
He gets up and puts his hands on his head. Then he bends over, hands on his knees and takes a breath.
“I can’t believe I’ve missed out on her whole life. She’s what—two and a half?”
“Two years and eight months,” I clarify. And cringe. And wish a hole would swallow me up.
“What the hell, Caroline?” He looks at me with such anguish, I go to him and put my hands on his cheeks. The tears are running down both our faces.
“Isaiah, please…I-it doesn’t make sense. I wasn’t thinking right. I realized I was wrong and when I found out I was pregnant, I knew that even if the baby wasn’t yours, I had to tell you. I wish to God I hadn’t left that day without telling you! And then time just went on…I waited too long to write you and I just couldn’t seem to go back to Tulma…to this day I can’t.”
He puts his hands on the wall and doesn’t turn around for a long time. His shoulders are taut and the anger is bouncing o
ff of him. I try to say something and can’t find the words. I made a huge mistake. I knew better than to think he wouldn’t want his baby girl.
“I’m so sorry, Isaiah. I-I should have done everything it took to find you and tell you, whether I thought you wanted to hear it or not.” I move closer to him. I reach out to touch his shoulder and lose my nerve.
The ticking of the clock sounds like a bomb, ready to go off. Each second that ticks by feels like I’m losing him all over again. Just when I think I can’t take another ounce of silence, Isaiah takes his hands off the wall and sniffles. He doesn’t look at me, but takes a deep breath.
“You knew me better than anyone. I don’t understand how you could have kept the truth from me. It was hard enough that you left the way you did. I would have done anything for us to be together, Caroline. Anything.” He swallows hard. “You disappeared on me…I’ve never gotten over that.”
“I thought I had to,” I whisper. “I thought I was doing the right thing for you.”
“That you’d think I’d move on so quickly…” He shakes his head. “Surely you have more faith in me than that. I loved you.”
It feels like a slap across the face. Loved.
“I love you now,” he whispers.
My heart quickens with those words.
“But I never dreamed of this,” he continues. “I can’t believe we have a child.”
For a moment I think he’s going to hit the wall, but he doesn’t. He balls his hands into fists and looks angrier than I’ve ever seen him. He keeps speaking in a monotone voice.
“I would have raised her even if she wasn’t mine. You know I would have.”
I nod, but he doesn’t see me. And then he looks at me and the air in the room feels less stifling all of a sudden.
“By the time you sent a letter, there was no house for it to be mailed to…” He rubs his eyes and wipes his hands on his pants. “We moved so much, I doubt the post office knew what to do with all our mail around then.” He looks away but laces his fingers through mine. “I wish you’d told me the minute you found out, Caroline. I wish you’d never left,” he admits. “I wish I’d had this time with my baby girl. I’ve missed so much.” He shakes his head. “But,” he bites his lip to keep it from shaking, “you’re here now. And I have wished every single minute of the last FORTY MONTHS that you were here.” He pinches his arm. “Right? You’re here? I can’t believe this is happening! I know, I can’t stop sayin’ it! We have a lot of time to make up for…”
When he finally looks my way again, the hurt is still there, but it’s tempered with a tentative smile. “It’s gonna take me some time to wrap my head around all this, but I’m…well, just tell me the rest,” he says.
I tell him about the bed and breakfast and then Davis…
“He was my best friend and then overnight, practically, he was more. I was going to marry him.”
“You love him,” he states, no question. He looks worried.
“I did love him. No one could ever take the place of you, but I did love Davis in a different way.”
He nods. “That’s hard for me to hear, but I get it.” He looks up at the ceiling and then back at me, his eyes ashamed. “I tried to fill the hole that you left…but couldn’t. I just gave up trying a week ago, as a matter of fact.”
I don’t even want to know. I just want to take what is happening right now and live in that moment. He wants to know, though.
“So why haven’t you married him?”
“He died before I could.”
“Oh, Caroline. Really? I mean…I’m so selfish to be relieved you didn’t marry him, but I’m sorry you lost him.”
“Thank you. The truth is, I would have never been with him if you’d been there. We would have all been friends, though, I know that.”
“I love you, Caroline.” He closes his eyes and when he opens them, they’re shiny. “I’ve always been honest with you and I have to more than ever now, while I have this chance. I’m angry with you right now, but I…I feel like I’ve been given too much of a miracle in having you back to waste time on that. The day you left me, I wished I could die. And at the same time, I understood why you felt you had to do that. I didn’t agree, but…I understood.”
He’s quiet for a moment, just looking at me.
And then he says, “Are you here to be with me now, Caroline?” He puts both hands on my face and looks into my eyes. “Please say that you are.”
“Once I knew where you were and that you’d been looking for me for so long, I had to let you know about Gracie.”
“I can’t believe we have a daughter. I love her, already I do…” He studies my eyes. “But is that it? Are your feelings for me gone?”
I bite my lip and his eyes follow my mouth.
“No,” I whisper, “that’s not it. I still love you.”
He draws a deep breath. “You do?”
“Always.”
“Are we gonna do it right this time, Caroline? Are we gonna be together? No matter what?”
“I don’t want to be without you another second,” I tell him. “No matter what.”
He leans down and kisses me, and every nook, chink, crack, fissure, cranny, fracture—crevice—that has been broken or dried up or closed off or frozen or dead…sparks back up in full, living, breathing color.
I’m awake and I’m never going to let go of this feeling again.
****
Gracie and I decide to stay a couple of days with Isaiah and Sadie. She sets up a little pallet for Gracie in the room next to mine. Gracie wanted to sleep in there because it’s pink.
“Is this okay?” he asks before he crawls into bed with me. “I was gonna take some time to process all this, but…I know that I don’t want to live another moment without you.”
“Is your mama okay with this?”
“Because it’s you, yes. She knows I already belong to you. And that I don’t want to miss another thing. Not with you, not with Gracie. Never again.”
“After all this time and all I’ve done, you still want me?”
“I’ll never stop, Caroline.”
I’m complete.
We make love, all night, after not seeing each other in so long. And it feels right. There is nothing tentative or awkward about it, even though we’re silent, so nothing can be heard. It’s perfect, just like coming home.
Seeing him again, I know I’m willing to endure any persecution that might come. And I can’t sacrifice my happiness for his anymore, not in that way. I could if it was giving up that extra pork chop or letting him have the better pillow…but not my love. I can’t withhold my love from him for another second. Because that could never be better for him. Our love is like air and we need each other to breathe.
****
The next night Gracie falls asleep in our room while we’re talking. Isaiah watches her sleep. He’s enchanted with her. When we start to get sleepy, he carries her to her pink bedroom and then has to check on her one more time before getting back in bed with me.
“She is so beautiful. I think she knows I’m her daddy, don’t you? She can tell there’s something different with us. I feel it,” he says.
“Yes, she absolutely does,” I assure him.
“Are you sure you’re ready for me full-time?” he asks.
He’s looked into transferring credits to the University of Louisville and has already gotten the process started. I love him for being willing to do that without ever even setting foot there.
“I’m positive,” I tell him. “And Bardstown has been good to us. It will be easier there, I think.”
“Just promise you won’t leave me again and I’ll go anywhere you want to go.” He kisses my shoulder and makes his way down my neck, stopping to kiss along my scar.
We let our bodies say the rest of what needs to be said.
****
Sadie decides to stay long enough to sell the house, but she doesn’t have ties to Memphis without Isaiah, so she agrees to come see wh
at she thinks about Bardstown in a few weeks. I know she’ll love it.
I never dreamed I would be bringing him home. I get giddy when I think about Papa and Ruby knowing him. To have my family all together, it’s more than I can take.
Papa and Ruby welcome him into their lives, just as they have me. They’ve heard so much about him, it’s like they already knew him, but when he’s actually here, he has this way of making everyone know how important they are to him. He thanks Papa and Ruby for taking such good care of us, for loving me and Gracie and embracing him. I look at him with Papa every day and realize that he needed Papa just like I did. We don’t take it lightly, we recognize what a gift we’ve been given.
Dad goes back to Tulma to be with Grandpaw. And I have to admit that I’m sad to see him go. We write letters back and forth and he comes to visit every couple of months. I’m finally trusting my heart to him, and he’s not disappointing me.
All my concerns that it might be odd to have Isaiah in the place where I’ve spent so much time with Davis are put to rest the moment he’s here. Because, really, Isaiah was never out of my thoughts. He has already been part of every memory. Even if I was trying to push him out, he has always been a constant.
But in the flesh is so much better. I look at him every morning and inhale him. We’ve moved out to the carriage house and it feels like a dream. We can hear Gracie’s feet pitter patter across the floor as she runs to our room every morning. She dives into bed with us and lands right smack-dab in the middle of us every time.
Isaiah and Gracie are head over heels with each other. I hear her telling him all the time. “I yove you, Daddy. You stay here with us forever?”
And he’ll reassure her that he’s not going anywhere.
I know it will take time for us to believe we really get to keep all this happiness.
Chapter 35
The Good
In April, a tornado comes through and wipes out all the gardens and a lot of the grapes. The shell of my house with Davis is also destroyed, and I grieve the loss of him in my life all over again. It hasn’t been long, but it feels like an eternity since he died. I thank him every day for healing my heart enough to get through my time without Isaiah. He didn’t fix things completely, but his love covered my bruises and got them on their way to healing.