by Lisa De Jong
My dad still hasn’t come. I’m afraid if we leave, I’ll never see him again. As hurt as I am that he hasn’t shown his face, I can’t imagine him not knowing where to find me if he does want to someday.
Thomas and Clara Mae are coming to the house tonight. They stayed in town and Mama says they’ve been worried sick. Mrs. Owens has called several times to check on me. I can tell by my mother’s side of the conversation that they’re trying to talk us out of leaving.
Last week, Ruby told me the house Leroy and Les used to stay in has had several “accidents.” Bricks were thrown in the windows; someone tried to start a fire, but another neighbor put it out. She whispered about the Klan and I shuddered to think those men were out there trying to fight my cause. I didn’t ask them for help. I despise everything the Klan stands for. Even Nellie and Grandpaw don’t agree with the things the Klan does, although I think Grandpaw would like to nail Leroy’s and Les’s hides to the side of a cliff…actually he’d like to do a good many more things than that, but that’s what he goes around saying…with tears in his eyes.
I asked Sadie about it when she came. She had heard about the Klan incident and said Les’s aunt owns that house and one of her little boys was injured from one of the bricks coming in the window. That has eaten me up ever since. Between thinking about everything that happened to me, I’m horrified thinking about what harm is being done, all in the name of justice. I can’t believe what an ugly world this can be.
But Sadie and Ruby…when they’re here, I feel loved. I’ve been surprised by Sadie’s affection. I knew Ruby loved me, but Sadie has treated me with such care. Her eyes take me in, really seeing me for who I am. She listens to everything I say and tells me fun stories to help pass the time. It feels as if I have known her forever. I can’t bear to think of not seeing her again.
We talk about everything but Isaiah. She has only mentioned him twice. The first time was when she gave me the note. All she said then was, “Isaiah wanted you to have this.”
On her third visit, she mentioned him again when telling how they found me and everything that happened that day. I had asked her each time, but she would shake her head. I told her I needed to know—how did they know where to find me?
***
Isaiah was out working on his bike that afternoon. He was pumping air into his tires and polishing the chrome. He heard some commotion in the street and it was Leroy and Les. They were laughing and reaching out to give each other high fives across the handlebars on their bikes.
Isaiah heard Leroy say something (Sadie won’t tell me what he said) that let him know they were talking about me and then he saw blood on both of them.
He ran in to tell Sadie what he had seen and she wouldn’t let him go without her. They went to my house first and when I wasn’t there, they began looking for me, calling my name…
Out past Talbot’s pond, they heard moaning and searched until they found me.
The tears didn’t stop coming when Sadie recalled seeing me lying there in the dirt. What scared them the most was the cut in my neck and the bump on my head. I lost a lot of blood. They were scared to even move me, but knew they had to get me to the hospital fast.
“But you’re a fighter, sweet Caroline,” she said. “I’ve never seen someone so determined to live.”
My blood pressure dropped dramatically and when I didn’t wake up for a couple of days, it seemed like I might never come back around.
I listen as if I’m hearing a story about a stranger. It feels surreal. It’s as if I’m standing on the outside of a cloudy window, trying to peer in, because this surely did not really happen to me.
Here I am, though. The aches and pains in my body and the mess going on in my head are proof that it did indeed happen. I go over the details all day, over and over. Was there something I could have done differently? What if I had fought harder? Why did I give up? How could they do that? What’s wrong with me?
And then…Isaiah will never look at me the same again. Everyone is going to think I’m dirty. I deserve this. My friends are going to hate me now. No one will be able to treat me like a normal person.
Then I cry. And we start the whole cycle over again. I cry myself to sleep…dream…wake up to the reality of this cold room.
Mama’s right. We have to leave.
****
My mother comes in with a new outfit. I can count on one hand the times I’ve had store-bought clothes, so this should feel like a special occasion. It feels a little silly putting on these nice clothes just to get in the car and go home, but I’m happy I don’t have to go home alone and that my mom seems to be trying to make a nice gesture. I’m trying to be grateful for that.
“Today’s the day, Caroline. You ready to get home?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She helps me step into the pale blue jumpsuit. Yes, pants! She is trying to make an effort.
She smooths down my hair as I button the last button. She hasn’t mentioned my frizzy curls. Maybe I’ll even be able to keep it like this. The pink foam rollers are just not going to happen.
She picks up my bag and we step outside the room. On each side of the hall, the doctors and nurses who have taken care of me are standing, smiling, and wishing me well. Dr. Niles is beaming most of all, and my nurse, Valerie is wiping her eyes, smiling her huge grin.
When I step outside, the heat is stifling, and it hits me how long it has been since I’ve been outside. I feel a wave of grief and I stagger for a moment, overcome with emotion. Then I remember everyone is watching me and bidding me farewell, so I lift my shoulders, turn around and wave, get in the car, and we go home.
Chapter 14
Getting Out
My mother is awkward on the drive home. She doesn’t know what to say to me now. She didn’t really know what to say to me before, so I realize it won’t be any easier for us to talk now. I take a deep gasp of air, realizing as my ribs ache that I’ve been holding my breath. I don’t want to be alone with her. I wish I could be with Ruby or Sadie—or pretty much anyone other than my mother.
We drive down our road. The peach trees are waving in the breeze. I try to look at them and not see the scenes of that day playing in my head, but it’s hard to concentrate on what is really before me. I’m reliving those moments in this very field.
You’re getting what you deserve. You’re white trash…I’m gonna teach you a lesson…
On and on, the record plays in my head. Words I don’t even recognize coming out of Leroy’s mouth—the meaning becoming clear as he wracks my body with hate. The shadow of Les’s ugly face, not looking at me at all, but hating me and himself more with every movement.
I don’t realize I’m shaking until we’re stopped in our driveway. My mother is in front of me, fanning me, saying, “Caroline, Caroline…do you hear me? Do you hear me, Caroline?”
“I can’t breathe.” The tears are rushing down my face.
“You can, you can breathe. Just try to get one good, deep breath.”
She begins taking slow, deep breaths and in a few minutes, I do feel calmer. My heart is still beating in frantic beats, but the more breaths I take, the slower my heart races. I have sweat dripping off my head and back. Everything in me wants to turn around and go back to the hospital. Why did I think I could come back here?
“Let’s get you in the house. You’ll feel better inside.”
She pulls me out of the car and I lean on her as we walk into my house. I look around, wishing my Dad would walk out of the kitchen and surprise me, but he doesn’t.
Mama leads me to the couch and I lie down. Everything feels so heavy. My arms are weighing me down. My legs are heavily anchored to the couch. If I wanted to lift my head, I could not. I’m overwrought with weariness. My mother talks in the distance, but I can’t listen anymore.
****
A few hours later, Mama’s hand is on my shoulder. She pushes my hair back. “Caroline,” she whispers, “Thomas and Clara Mae will be here shortly. Why don�
��t we freshen you up a little bit.”
“No, I don’t want to see them. I can’t get up, I’m too tired.”
Mama doesn’t know what to do with this. She has a little crease between her eyebrows. She doesn’t know whether to push me or not. I turn over and go back to sleep.
An hour later, she wakes me again. “Caroline…” This time she speaks a little more forcefully. “They’re going to be here any minute. Let’s at least wash you up with this washcloth and spray a little perfume on you. And here, you can brush your teeth right here.”
“No. I said I don’t want to see them. Tell them I’m sleeping. I can’t…”
Her jaw clenches and she wavers for a moment, trying to decide what to do next. I’ve never told her no. Finally she makes up her mind and leans down by my ear. “They’re on their way here and you’re going to see them. You need friends like Thomas and Clara Mae. After what’s happened to you, no one will want to have anything to do with you. At least they’re making an effort, and you’re going to do whatever you have to do to maintain some sort of dignity.”
She grips my arms and the pain shoots through me as she lifts me up. It takes all my will to not just limply fall back. I have no strength to fight her. I let her fluff my hair, brush my teeth, and pinch my cheeks. She smooths down my collar and plumps the pillow behind me. Once she’s satisfied, she stands up. I lean back on the pillow and fall asleep again. I don’t know how much time passes, but I wake to the sounds of talking around me.
“She looks so beautiful lying there,” Mrs. Owens says.
“Is she feeling okay?” That’s Clara Mae.
I open my eyes and stare back at them.
“Oh, Caroline. It’s so good to see you. I’m sorry I didn’t come to the hospital. Well, I did come to the hospital in the beginning, but you didn’t know I was there. And it was just so scary. The police were everywhere and you looked just awful, Caroline…so bad. I couldn’t even tell it was you at first. Mama thought it would be better if we waited until you came home so we…wouldn’t bother…you.” Clara Mae pauses and looks at her mother for reinforcement.
“Yes, Caroline, we’ve been keeping up with your progress through your mother. You can imagine how difficult it was for Clara Mae to see you like that.”
I nod.
Thomas is standing behind everyone. I glance at him, but he doesn’t look at me.
Clara Mae sits on the side of the couch and takes my hand. “Your mama says you’re leaving. Is that true?” Her eyes look ready to spill over.
“I think at least for a little while,” Mama speaks up. “Until all of this is resolved.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” Clara Mae cries. “And I can’t believe you’re leaving.”
Everything goes silent. I can’t think of anything I want to say, so we just sit quietly for a while.
Mrs. Owens—won’t you please call me Suzanne—leans over and pats my hand. Thomas is over at our bookshelves, fingering the books. Clara Mae begins nervously chatting about their vacation. I nod at the appropriate intervals and she’s satisfied. The night will seemingly never end. It’s too hard to be normal. When they finally leave, I go to my room, shut the door and cry.
Thomas didn’t look at me once.
****
Over the next two days, I sleep a lot. It’s the only thing in life I really want to do. When I’m awake, my mom is asking which things I want to take. We’re leaving our furniture here because Dad doesn’t want to sell the house, and Mama doesn’t want to take any of this ‘garbage’ with her. There really isn’t much to take, other than books and clothes. My mom tries to talk me out of the books, but that’s all I care to take.
We’re leaving day after tomorrow. My mom has gotten a job in San Antonio and you would think it was Washington, DC, for how she is going on about it. She keeps muttering about how Grant was good for something, so I think he must have pulled some strings to get her this job.
Mama hasn’t talked to me about her conversation with Daddy, other than to say he’s sorry he can’t be here. He says he’ll come see us when we’re settled. When I hear this, it sinks in that we really are leaving. I don’t bother hoping Daddy will really come.
Knowing I may never see Isaiah again, I feel a sudden panic. I try to devise ways to sneak out to see him. Maybe if I call him, he would meet me somewhere. But as I’m planning, I know that I’m too scared to do anything outside these four walls. It’s a helpless feeling.
I’m still angry with him. It washes over me like a dark thunderous cloud. It stuns me, the depth of anger I feel toward him, and yet, it’s a relief. The anger slightly lessens the ache. If I didn’t love him so much, I could just hate him and walk away from here and never think about him again. That would definitely be easier.
Mama walks by my room as I’m standing by my bed. I want to be pacing, but it just tires me out. Mama knocks lightly on the open door.
“Everything okay, Caroline?”
“Would you take me somewhere, Mama?”
“Okay. Where is it you’d like to go?”
“I need to go see Sadie and Isaiah.”
It comes out before I can stop it. Even angry, I have to say goodbye to him. I can’t leave this way.
Mama’s face darkens a bit when I say this. She appreciates what they did for me and was polite when she saw Sadie at the hospital, but I know she hoped it would end once I came home.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea, Caroline?”
“I need to see them, Mama. I can’t leave without telling them goodbye.”
“I’m just not sure it’s even safe. I mean, they know those boys’ families. They’re probably friends with them.”
“They’re not friends with Leroy and Les, Mama.”
“How do you know?”
“I just know.”
“Well, I don’t know about going to that side of town.”
“It’s just the other side of the fields and down the street. It’s so close.”
“Yes, but we don’t belong over there, Caroline. It’ll just stir up trouble for two white people to go in that neighborhood, especially you right now. If anyone sees us going in their house—I just don’t know what they’d say.”
“You think I care what people say?” I yell. “Look at me. Take a good long look at me.” I point to the scar on my neck. “There’s no hiding this. The whole town knows what happened. Do you know how humiliating that is? You think I care if someone sees me going inside Isaiah’s house? I just need to see him. I have to see him.”
“Why, Caroline? What does that boy have to do with anything—besides finding you?”
It’s all too much. I explode.
“He came looking for me! He knew I was in trouble. He saved my life. Isaiah is my best friend, Mama. For years, he has been the person who cares about me the most. I love him. If I didn’t live in this crazy place, I would marry Isaiah Washington.”
I didn’t really mean to say all this, but once it comes out, it feels pretty good. I take a deep breath.
“He was there when no one else was, and I have to tell him goodbye,” I finish quietly.
For once, my mother is stunned speechless. She stands there with her mouth open and stares at me for a full minute. I stare back, daring her to object.
“Do you mean to tell me you’ve been hanging out with these black boys?” The anger drips off her words.
“No, I haven’t been hanging out with these ‘black boys’,” I mimic. “I’ve been hanging out with Isaiah.”
Her face gets red, with a white line around her lips. She looks angrier than I’ve ever seen her and I’ve seen her angry plenty. She walks up to me, grabs my arm and drags me in front of the mirror. The motion sends a sharp pain to my ribs.
“What do you see when you look in the mirror?” She spits out. She begins crying; she’s so mad.
I stare at her through the mirror. I won’t look at myself.
She grabs my chin and tries to force me to look at my re
flection.
“What do you see? Because I’ll tell you what I see…I see a beautiful girl who doesn’t know the beginning of the mess she’s created. I see someone who could have anything she wanted one day, she’s that pretty and smart. And she’d rather throw it all away!” She jerks her hand away as if I’m contagious. “How dare you! After the way I’ve raised you! How dare you. Let me tell you something, you stupid, worthless girl. You can’t go traipsing around with the likes of them. You think you’re in love? You’re a child. You don’t know love. You want to know something? You asked for what happened to you. Do you know that? You asked for this.”
I turn around so fast, it startles her. The slap rings out like a whip on a racehorse. My cheek stings when she slowly lowers her hand. I place my fingerprints where her hand has just been and walk out my bedroom door.
I’m an open wound with her. I ooze and bleed. Scab over. Heal. She picks it open again.
Scab. Heal. Scar.
I pick up the phone in the kitchen. I hear someone saying, “Hello, hello?” before I can dial anything.
“Hello?”
“Caroline?”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Thomas. Please don’t hang up. I need to apologize.”
“Will you come get me?”
He pauses for a second. “I’ll be right there.”
****
We don’t speak for the first five minutes. Thomas drives to the river and stops in front of a clearing. He hops out of the car and runs around the other side to open the door for me as I hobble out. No mention is made of my red-rimmed eyes or sniffling, but I know he took note as soon as he saw me.
We walk to the water and I sit down on a log. I pick up a few rocks and throw them in the water.
“You didn’t look at me the other night,” I start.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s difficult seeing you like this.”
“Like what?”
He looks up at me for a moment. “Hard.”
“Oh.”