by Lisa De Jong
“I’m sorry. We’ll talk when we get there. I need a few more minutes,” she replies, wiping her finger under her eye.
Instinctually, my hand covers her knee, and to my surprise she doesn’t flinch like she normally does. It’s like I’m driving into a long, dark cave without any headlights. Why the hell does it feel like I’m not going to like where this is going?
As we pull into the parking lot near the lake, I notice the tears sliding down her cheeks. “Kate,” I whisper, reaching for her hand.
She pulls it back and opens the door, getting out before I have a chance to say anything else. I’m frozen, watching her run toward the lake. It’s surprising that she’s not stopping or hesitating; there are lots of families out here today, and usually she would just hang behind and watch.
She runs to where the water meets the sand, kicking her sandals off and running her toes through the water. I stay back to give her a couple minutes to calm down. I don’t know what’s gotten her so upset, but we’re not leaving here today until I find out.
“Are you ready to talk?” I ask, standing beside her.
“Can we go sit over there? I want us to be alone,” she says, pointing to the small dock to the left of the beach.
I grab her hand without replying and walk us away from the crowd. “You’re really fucking scaring me, Kate. As soon as we get over there, I need you to tell me.”
Her body goes stiff beside me, and I regret the harshness that bled through my voice. This is obviously not easy for her, and I’m not helping the situation.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, running my thumb over the top of her hand. I pull her closer to my side in an attempt to calm her.
She sits down on the edge of the dock first, dangling her feet over the side. Taking my shoes off, I take the spot beside her and let my own feet fall into the water.
“Kate, tell me, what’s going on?”
“It’s about Drew,” she whispers, running the lake water between her toes.
“Drew? Drew Heston?”
“Yeah,” she says, looking up at me with tear-filled eyes.
“What about him?” I ask, thinking that something happened to him. Not that I care. The guy is a total douche who thinks the sun sets on his freaking schedule. Every single football game throughout my high school career, I prayed that someone would tackle him and put him out for the season. It never happened, but picturing it sure as fuck helped.
Kate’s quiet and I hate it. Her silence always kills me, but when she reaches up with her shaky hand to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, I want to pull her into my arms. “Kate.”
She sucks in a deep breath, tilting her head back to look at the sky. I’ve never seen anyone look so lost and in pain. I feel sick just watching her.
The next thing she says is so quiet that I can barely hear her, but it nearly kills me when she says it. “He raped me.”
My whole face heats as I watch her chest rapidly moving up and down. I want her to tell me I heard her wrong, or that it came out wrong, but of course that’s not going to happen. Kate wouldn’t make this shit up.
I swear I’ll kill that bastard. I’ll strangle him with my bare fucking hands. I swear to god, I’ll do it for her.
“What did you just say? When?” I choke, gripping the wood board with my fingers. The old wood is ripping into my skin, but I don’t care. Every muscle in my body is screaming for me to go after that asshole . . . but Kate needs me more.
“It was almost three years ago, at his house after a football game.” She stops, looking over at me. Her tear-stained cheeks are like a sword in the heart to me.
No woman in this world deserves to be touched when she doesn’t want to be. And when I think about it happening to my Kate, it rips me into a million little tiny pieces.
When I regain my composure, all I’m left with are questions. “How? We always went to those things together.”
Her lips part, then close again. “You weren’t there that night.”
“What do you mean I wasn’t there? I was always there.” I panic, feeling an overwhelming pressure building in my chest.
Kate shakes her head, her sad eyes burning into me. “It was a Friday that you were grounded. I went with Morgan, and she left me by the fire alone. Drew came and started talking to me, and after a while it got really cold and started to rain.” She stops, wrapping her arms around her legs.
“What happened?” I ask, feeling my own emotions bubbling up inside me. I can’t escape the feeling that this was somehow my fault. I should have been there for her.
“He offered to get me a sweatshirt, so I followed him into his house to get it. I didn’t think much of it. It was just Drew, you know?” she cries, covering her eyes with her hand. I reach my arms out to pull her close, but she pulls away. I want to hold her and tell her how sorry I am that the one time she needed me, I wasn’t there.
I sit back with my hands resting on the dock again. “You don’t have to tell me the rest—”
“No, I need to. Just let me get it out,” she interrupts, taking a few deep breaths. “At first, everything was fine. And then nothing felt right. The house was completely quiet, and he was staring at me.”
She shakes her head as tears roll down her face. Honestly, I don’t know if I can handle hearing the rest, but she seems determined. A lump forms in my throat when I think about how much courage it must have taken for her to get to this point after all this time.
“Before I knew it, he had me pinned to the wall and then I was on a bed. His whole body was on top of me, and I couldn’t get him off, Beau. I tried, but he was too strong,” she sobs.
I reach out again and this time she lets me cradle her in my arms. Her head rests against my chest as I pull her tight against me. I’d do anything to go back in time and make this go away. I hate so much that it happened, but I also hate that she didn’t tell me about it sooner. I could have been there for her.
It all makes sense now. When I think back to the last few years and how she had changed. She’d changed a lot. She went from being the girl who smiled every time she saw me, to being the girl who never smiled at all. She went from being the girl who had a lifetime of hopes and dreams, to the girl who struggled just to get through a day in school.
She quit being my girl, and now I understand why.
Her tears bring me back to where we are now. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, running my hand up and down her back.
“I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. I didn’t think anyone would believe me and—” she pauses, pulling back to look at me with her swollen red eyes.
“What is it?” I ask, brushing the hair off her face.
“He threatened me. I was so scared, Beau. He’s a Heston, and I’m just me. Do you know what it feels like to walk around with this? It sucks. Every day for two years . . . I was here, but I was just getting by. Asher changed all that, but then he left too. I don’t deserve this.”
I carefully grip her upper arms, making sure her eyes are locked on mine. “You did nothing to deserve this. Do you hear me? Nothing,” I say, cupping her face in my hands. I don’t want to admit it, but Asher being in her life has helped her. As much as I hated seeing him with her, I loved seeing her with brightness in her eyes again.
Love is unselfish; that’s how I know what I feel for Kate is the real thing.
She falls back into me as I continue to brush my fingers through her hair. Minutes tick by, but she hasn’t moved once. One side of me wants to ask her a million questions while the other side just wants to hold her.
She laughs sadly, looking right up into my eyes. “I loved you for so long, you know? Your name was the one I wrote in the hearts on my notebook all through middle school. I thought my life would end just like this . . . with you.”
My breath catches, savoring the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long. Words I’d given up on a long time ago. “It can still end that way,” I say, running my thumbs along her jawline.
“No it can�
�t. You know where you’re going, and I’m just the girl who will hold you back.”
“Kate—”
“No, listen to me. I loved you for so long, but it was never the right time for us. Then someone broke me, literally tearing my beliefs apart . . . my dreams, my life. I didn’t think I’d ever recover. I didn’t think I’d ever have a chance to be normal again. Asher gave me a second chance, and then his life was taken too soon,” she says, breaking down again when she mentions him. “Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, and I can’t take you along for the ride until I get it all figured out.”
My heart beats rapidly as I rest my forehead against hers. For years, I’ve looked for any excuse to touch her skin. “You can’t do everything alone. Let me help you. Let me be there for you.”
She brushes her lips against mine, catching me completely off guard. “I need to figure out who I am first.”
Cupping her face in my hands again, I press my lips to her forehead. I always said I’d wait for her, but there have been a few times I wanted to give up on the whole idea of love. After what she told me today, I know I can’t give up on her just yet. She’s not replaceable, not in my eyes.
“I love you,” I whisper, kissing the tip of her nose. “And I’ll give you the time you need. I’ll still be waiting for you.”
“I can’t make any promises.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking for you to remember me when you’re ready to move on,” I say, wrapping my hands around the back of her neck.
“Where did I ever find you?” She smiles, brushing a few more fallen tears from her cheeks.
“In your backyard,” I reply, smiling back at her.
“Thank you,” she says, moving to sit next to me again.
“For what?” I ask, throwing a rock out into the water.
“For hearing me.”
“Always. I just wish I would have heard you sooner,” I say, grabbing her hand in mine.
“I wish I could have told you, but everything seems easier when you’re looking back on it.”
There are lots of things I’d like to go back and change, but falling in love with Kate Alexander is not one of those things.
Chapter 30
Five Weeks Later
Taking risks isn’t something I’m good at, but today I’m hoping that all changes. Yesterday was my last day at the diner, and today will be the last day I wake up in my bed under this roof.
I’m actually going to college, and it’s scary as hell.
My mom won’t be there to hold me in her arms when I need her, but for the first time in a long time I feel as if I’m strong enough to stand on my own.
“You all ready to go?” she asks, carrying the last tote out to my car.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you? I feel like I should at least drop you off,” she says, trying her best to close my over-packed trunk.
“I’ll be fine. It’s only a few hours away.”
I watch as she finally succeeds, facing me with a triumphant look on her face. It falls away quickly as she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me as close to her as I can possibly get. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you too, Mom,” I say, encircling her small waist in my arms.
“I know I haven’t been home as much as I should be, but I’m going to miss you. Who’s going to watch movies with me while eating Ben & Jerry’s?” she asks with a lightness in her voice that I don’t often get to hear.
“I’ll come home as many weekends as I can, not that it matters. You have someone else to share your ice cream with now,” I reply, looking over her shoulder to see Daniel watching us from our front porch. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but they’ve been dating for a couple months now. I’m happy for them because they’re both so good for one another. They truly deserve that kind of happiness.
“Now, don’t come home every weekend. I want you to enjoy the things that I didn’t get to enjoy when I was your age. This is your time,” she whispers, kissing the side of my head.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too.” She steps back, gripping my upper arms. Her eyes are teary, but she wears a satisfied smile. She makes me feel like I’m going to accomplish something, even if I’m unsure of it myself.
“Well, I better get going. I don’t want to drive in the dark,” I say, glancing up at the bright summer sky. I know it’s going to be a clear night . . . perfect for watching the stars.
My fingers run along the silver chain that hangs around my neck until I feel the little umbrella. I never take it off . . . I don’t think I ever will.
I can’t leave without saying goodbye to Daniel. He’s become a part of my family, and my mom and I are pretty much all he has. I’m ready to shake his hand, but he pulls me into a hug instead.
“I’m proud of you. We all are.”
“Thank you, for everything,” I whisper, nodding toward my mom.
He smiles, focusing his attention behind me. “She’s an amazing woman.”
“That she is,” I agree, stepping back. “I better get going. Take care of her for me?”
“I will,” he says, tucking his hands into his front pockets.
When I stand in front of my mom one last time, I’m a mixture of sadness and excitement all wrapped into one. I remember some kids from high school being absolutely through the moon at the prospect of having their freedom in college. I’m excited to get some space, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m also terrified of what’s going to happen once I’m dependent on myself and myself alone.
If things work out the way I want them to, I won’t have to be alone for long.
I give my mom one more hug and climb into my car. As I pull away from the house, I wave my hand in the rearview mirror to make it visible to them. A year ago, I would have felt guilty about leaving her, but she’s in good hands . . . and she’s happier than I’ve ever seen her.
When I’m cruising down the highway, I turn on the iPod and let the soft, familiar voice fill my head. After Beau left to go back to college, I spent many afternoons alone in my room thinking, and many nights out on the old trampoline looking at the stars.
I want to go to school to become a youth counselor and help other young girls who may have gone through the same thing I did with Drew. Living a meaningful life is important to me. It’s not about money or prestige. It’s about helping as many people as I can through my experience and education.
I’m not just doing it for myself . . . it’s my gift to Asher; a way to honor the man who gave so much back to me.
I’ve stumbled over and over again, but I’m still on my feet.
There’s hope.
I also realize that there’s a difference between soul mates and true love. Looking at the surface, they are similar, but when I dug deep down inside, I found they were different.
I found my soul mate. Asher understood all the complexities that made me who I was. We had an instant connection, and over time it grew into something so deep, strong and meaningful that it will stick with me forever. He brought me a sense of peace and happiness. He made me aware of the beauty in life, and for that I will forever be thankful.
I found my true love. Beau has been there for me over and over again, through good times and bad. He would give up his world for me, and I would do the same for him. He would give up everything just to know I was okay as he has proven time and time again. When I am with him, there is no possibility of an end for us.
Is one type of love better than the other? I don’t know, but I’m lucky enough to have found them both. I’m lucky that Asher opened my eyes again because if I had never met him, I probably never would have realized how much I really do love Beau.
It’s easy to look at it now and see I’ve always belonged to Beau in some way or another. I spent hours watching him out my window this summer, doing everything from mow
ing his yard to washing his truck. There was even one day where I watched him help the older lady who lives across the street plant her flowers. He’s perfect.
Everything he does amazes me. I fall in love with him every day, and he doesn’t even have to say a word. We have a bond that’s unbreakable, and that is why I’m taking this chance now.
Apart, we’re only half of what we are when we’re together. He completes me, and I’m ready to feel whole again.
The drive is long and boring. I pass miles and miles of cornfields before finally pulling into Iowa City. I should go check in with my new roommate, but I can’t wait any longer to see him. We’ve spoken a few times on the phone, but he’s been giving me time to think and decide what it is I want out of life.
Now, I feel like I have it figured out. Excitement washes over me when I think of what he’s going to say when I tell him. We’ve both been waiting for so long, but I hold the key and I’m about to unlock our future.
I park in front of his apartment and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. This is the beginning of yet another journey for me.
The sun heats my face as I walk up the sidewalk to the old brick building and take the steps to his floor. When I asked his mom for his address, she grinned. I think she knows. I think she’s always known.
Butterflies go crazy in my stomach as I find his door and raise my hand to knock. I’ve never been so nervous in my whole life. I’m about to knock again when the door swings open. A tall blonde with big blue eyes stares back at me.
“Is Beau here?” I ask, trying to see into the apartment.
Her eyes roam up and down my body before landing back on mine. The grin on her face sounds alarm bells in my head. “He just got out of the shower. Would you like me to go get him?” she asks, running her tongue over her teeth.
I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe I waited too long?
“Umm, no, I’ll just call him later,” I say softly, taking a few steps back.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go get him?” she asks, leaning against the doorframe.
“Yeah, thanks though,” I say, walking steadily down the hall to the stairs.