by Lisa De Jong
“I have a butterfly tattoo on my chest,” Arsen says.
“I’ve seen it! I’ve meant to ask you about it for the longest time.”
Arsen nods, smiling shyly. “When I was seventeen my friends and I went to Cancun for spring break. Needless to say, we ended up at a strip club where we got so fucked up. By the end of the night, I thought I was in love with a stripper named Butterfly, so as soon as the place closed down,” he pauses, grinning, “she came with me to get this tattoo. And in my drunken state, I guess I wanted it tattooed over my heart.” His eyes sparkle with mirth.
“Why don’t you have it removed?” I ask.
“Nah. It’s part of me. Besides, Butterfly showed me some very good times,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows.
“Well, I’m glad. Okay. My turn.” I blush because it’s quite embarrassing. “I don’t really know how to ride a bicycle.”
“What? No way!” He seems truly surprised.
“Yes, I never really learned. Ben tried teaching me a couple times, but I never got the gist of it,” I say, remembering Julian’s weekend party.
“You don’t have to blush like that if you don’t know how to ride a bicycle.” He grins crookedly before continuing, “I feel bad for your man, though.”
I reach and smack him on the shoulder. “Hey!”
Arsen raises his hands in surrender as he laughs. “Hey! You left that one wide open. But I’m sorry. No more teasing, I promise.” He lowers his hands and takes a sip of water, “Ready for my second revelation?”
“Sure.”
I notice some color growing on the crests of his cheeks, which accentuates his aqua blue eyes.
“I wanted to have my own band when I grew up, but I fucking suck. It’s embarrassing.”
“No, I don’t think it’s embarrassing. It’s great! Why don’t you give it a try?”
“Maybe…nah. It’s just something I would’ve liked to do.” Obviously uncomfortable talking about himself, he changes the subject. “Your turn.”
For a moment, I stare at him blushing and decide to tell him my deepest secrets. I don’t know what makes me want to do it, but I do.
There’s an easiness about him that makes me want to trust him.
“Um, I have two. I’m pregnant. But don’t. Don’t congratulate me yet.”
A shadow crosses his eyes, but it’s gone before I have a chance to ask him about it.
“Go ahead. I’m listening,” he encourages me.
Surprised at his willingness to listen, I can’t help but remember the last time I tried speaking to Ben about it a long time ago and how different his reaction was. It’s like they are night and day.
Reclining against a tree with Ben’s arms wrapped around me, and the smell of late autumn in our local park surrounding us, I feel such yearning as I watch children chasing geese and playing with fallen leaves. They’re so beautiful to admire, yet it hurts to even listen to them laugh. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to being around them without having to fight the emptiness I carry to take over me completely.
I hope so. I really do.
Ben always tells me that happiness is what you make of your life, but I wonder what happens when your heart’s desire keeps being taken away from you over and over again?
Truly. What happens then?
I’m still trying to figure it out.
I admire the lovely children playing and think back to the beginning of the end, to that day when some vital part of me decided it was too much to keep hoping and dreaming. It was the day that hope kept slipping through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to hold it within my hands.
Not wanting to think about it anymore, I turn to look at Ben and see that his eyes are closed while his eternal cocky smirk plays around his lips. I love that grin. It’s as if he knows the answers to something you want to know really bad, but he won’t tell you just because. And it also happens to remind me of happier days.
The setting sun casts an amber glow to everything in the park including his beautiful tanned face and his dark curls that are flying in reckless abandon. I move from his embrace, then turn to straddle his lap so that we’re facing each other. I run my hands through his hair as I watch his smirk turn into an open smile.
“Your hair is getting really long, baby.”
“Can’t cut it, babe,” he answers, keeping his eyes closed.
“How did you know I was going to suggest a trim? And why not?” I ask.
“My hot wife digs it.”
“I’m sorry?”
“You heard me, woman.” He opens his eyes and stares at me with so much love. “I like the feel of your hands running through my hair.” He leans over me, whispering in my ear, “It reminds me of the dirty things you let me do to you when you pull it. Plus the hot interns like it.”
“Hot interns?”
Ben laughs when he sees my expression. “Is my woman getting jealous?”
“Jealous?” I ask, frowning. Maybe I am.
“Babe, chill…I’m just teasing you. I don’t care about the interns. I only care whether you like it or not, and if I’m being honest, you pull my hair when I am making you come…hard… and it fucking turns me on.” He licks my ear.
I can’t help the shiver that runs through my body.
“Ben… not here,” I protest.
He chuckles.
“Then let’s go,”
“You ass. No, we’re not going anywhere. We’re staying here.” I elbow him.
“Cathy…It’s been too long. Come on.” He wraps his arms around my waist and nuzzles my neck.
Feeling a hint of the intimacy we shared before I became a failure as a woman return, I want to open up to him and just talk to him. Share my inner demons. Maybe if I explain to him how I feel, the emptiness will go away.
I’m about to tell him that we should leave and head home when he kisses me sweetly on the cheek. I slowly turn my face and kiss him on the lips desperately. I need his kiss to hold me here. To this life. To him.
When our lips part, we look at each other as we breathe heavily. Ben’s arms are wrapped around me, all of me, and it feels good for the first time in a very long time.
“Babe, what’s the matter? I can see something is bothering you. Why don’t you tell me? You know I’ll do everything and anything you ask of me as long as it’s in my power to do so.” He kisses my nose, then moves his hands to cup my ass.
I laugh because as soon as his hands touch my ass, he wiggles his eyebrows and leers at me, looking like a pervert. I decide to come clean to Ben.
“Watching all these children play…it has made me think.”
“About what, babe?”
“Um, I’m just so afraid, baby. I-I feel like a failure because I-I haven’t—”
“Stop, Cathy. I hate when you do this to yourself. Stop thinking about it. There are so many options that we can try…so many options still available to us.”
“No…let me finish, please,” I plead. Ben seems annoyed, but he lets me continue. “I want to tell you this. I’m just so afraid that it will never happen. I truly thought the IVF treatment was going to work. I really did.” I feel tears gather in the back of my throat, but I can’t stop now. “What if we can’t...never…”
Ben places a warm finger on my mouth. “Shh…don’t be so negative. We could always go back to see the adoption lawyer, you know. I don’t mind.”
“No, no, no. Ben, that’s too much. I’m not sure I could handle it...the not knowing.”
“Then why don’t you try and be a little bit more positive?”
His words are like a slap to the face. I’m trying to be honest with him for once, and he keeps shutting me down, almost as if my worries aren’t important enough.
“Babe, I just think you’re going about it all wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“Hell, Cathy, I don’t know. I just think you’re too negative sometimes. I believe you have this mindset that everything won’t work out.” He caresses my chee
k, but his touch isn’t welcome this time. “Babe, don’t be angry. I just think you have to be more positive about it. We’ll make it work.”
“But—” I want to ask him what happens if it doesn’t, but he stops me.
“But nothing. I can see the subject is affecting you. Let’s drop it, okay?”
No, it’s not okay. But Ben seems to have decided it’s time to drop it, so I do. Shrugging my shoulders, I move to stand, but Ben stops me.
“Hey,” he cups my cheeks, “Look at me, love. Don’t be angry. I just want you to stop blaming yourself and thinking the worst. It’s not healthy.”
I don’t want to look at him anymore. I want to tell him that I’m entitled to think whatever I want, but I don’t. Deep down, I know he’s right because I know all those things.
My mind knows. However, try telling it to my heart.
Ben stares at me, expecting me to say something, but I don’t.
There’s nothing else to say.
All I know is that it doesn’t matter anymore.
“Catherine? Are you there?” Arsen waves his hand in front of my face. “You were saying?”
“Oh, yes. Sorry.” I take a deep breath. “I’m pregnant, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. You see, about two years ago I was diagnosed with a condition known as habitual abortion or Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. My case was specifically unexplained RPL. Meaning, I could get pregnant but each pregnancy ended with me miscarrying without a cause. It just kept happening to me, and there was no valid explanation behind it since all the tests came back normal.”
Without saying empty words, Arsen reaches for my hand and holds it in his. “Go on.”
I look down at our hands, feeling his warm touch in mine, and I realize it makes me feel better.
“After my third miscarriage, it took us forever to get pregnant again. That condition is known as secondary infertility. We tried drugs, acupuncture, IVF, we saw specialists… the whole shebang. But nothing worked. I mean, Ben and I even saw an adoption lawyer, but after he explained to us the whole process of trying to adopt a baby and that even if we went through it all it wasn’t a guaranteed thing…” I pause, “I just couldn’t do it. It was much too painful, so we kind of gave up. Well, I gave up.”
I lick my lips, suddenly they feel dry. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.” I swallow hard. “I must be boring you to death.”
Arsen shakes his head. “No, go ahead, Dimples. I’m listening,” he encourages huskily, still holding my hand in his.
Staring at him, feeling the connection between us grow, I tell him what I can’t share with Ben. I really have no clue how Arsen is getting me to talk to him about my deepest fears in the middle of the day while sitting in a busy diner. Maybe it’s the understanding I see in his eyes, or the supportive grip on my hand, but somehow I know I have found a friend in him. One who won’t judge me.
“So now I’m pregnant again, and I’m so scared. I want to have faith and be positive about the pregnancy, but I can’t. There’s this constant fear that something will go wrong, a fear so powerful sometimes I can’t breathe. I look at my stomach and think that it’s too good to be true. And if something happens to the baby...I don’t know what will happen to me, Arsen. I don’t. I want my baby so much it’s hard to think of anything else.”
Arsen remains quiet for a minute as he studies our hands clasped together.
“If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone…if you ever feel like fear is making it hard for you to breathe…talk to me. I’m here for you, Dimples. I’m here.”
I know his words could be empty and that he’s just offering his help to be polite, but the powerful gleam in his eyes makes me believe him.
And, I do.
I do.
I do.
“Thank you. I will,” I say, letting go of his hand as mine suddenly feels bereft.
“Is there any other big revelation because I didn’t think you were expecting, “ he says with a grin. I think he’s trying to lighten the mood.
Looking down at my barely there bump, I smile. “Yes. I’m not showing yet. As for another secret,” I raise my eyes and tap my chin, “Hmm…I’m afraid of elevators and tunnels.”
“For real?” His eyes sparkle with curiosity.
“Yep. It’s weird. I’m afraid that the elevator will stop working and we’ll get stuck in it. And tunnels.” I shiver at the thought. “I’m particularly afraid of the ones under water. What if something happens and it collapses when I’m in one?”
“It’s okay, Dimples. I’ll take pity on you and save you,” Arsen says, smiling.
I laugh. “And how do you intend to do that?” I lean forward, “Do you have super powers that I’m not aware of?”
“Baby, wouldn’t you love to know?” Arsen teases back as he leans forward, bringing our faces closer together.
“Maybe…but, what if I don’t need saving?” I say.
“Even if you didn’t, I’d be there for you.” He retorts.
“Oh, this is getting interesting.” I lean even closer than before. “Arsen, my knight in shining armor.”
“Only for you,” he answers, but he’s not smiling anymore. As a matter of fact, he looks dead serious.
Our faces close, the whisper of his breath hitting my lips...we stare at each other silently for a moment too long. The friendly vibe from before is gone, and instead the air has turned tense...charged with energy.
Slowly, he lowers his gaze and stares at my lips intensely, prompting me to do the same with his. Are they as soft as they look? I can’t help but wonder what they would feel like on my skin.
“Excuse me. Your food is ready,” the waitress cuts in, breaking the tension filling the small space between us not a moment ago.
“Finally. I’m fucking starving,” Arsen says before digging in, back to his usual self.
I grab my fork and run my fingers along the handle, pretending that the awkward moment from before never happened.
****
After lunch is over, he walks with me to the curb to wait for a cab. It had started raining while we were in the diner, so as we are making our way to the corner a strong wind passes us by, flipping my umbrella inside out. The sudden pull tugs me forward, causing me to stumble blindly into Arsen who immediately wraps his arms around my waist to stop me from falling.
When I look up, embarrassed beyond recognition, he’s already staring at me with his piercing eyes. I feel the beginning of a blush stain my checks as I hear the loud thumping of my heart.
I wonder if he can hear it.
I would die.
“I haven’t kissed you yet, but I’m already making you weak in the knees?” he teases, tightening his hold on me.
I’m trying to come up with an answer, but my mind is drawing a blank. Instead, I get lost in the warmth of his body so close to mine. His touch feels comfortable and organic as if it belonged there.
“W-what?” I say, swallowing hard.
“However, I think this is where I’m supposed to kiss you,” Arsen says as the tips of our noses touch. In a daze, I observe how he brings his lips closer to mine. As he draws nearer, a voice in the back of my head is shouting at me to move because nothing good can come of this. When I think he’s about to kiss me, I snap out of my reverie and put my arms in between us, ready to use all my strength to push him away, but Arsen surprises me when he aims for my ear instead.
“I’m just messing with you, Catherine,” he whispers before he pulls slightly back, staring at me with laughing eyes.
Relieved because he was teasing me, I begin to push him away and lift a hand to wipe some of the rain off my face. “In your dreams, Arsen,” I joke back.
“Fuck, you’re getting wet. Let me fix that for you.” He lets go of me instantly, grabs my umbrella and fixes it by flipping it back.
“It’s all better.” He holds it above me, shielding me from the rain.
“Um, yes…thank you.”
“Told you
. I’m here to save you.”
His statement makes me lift my eyes and stare at him as the rain keeps falling around us. The grin plastered on his face sets me at ease. I’m comfortable with friendly and flirty Arsen.
We’re standing next to each other while he holds the umbrella over me and not him. He’s getting wet, but doesn’t seem to mind. “Are you sure you don’t want to squeeze under here? I think there’s enough room for the two of us.”
“Nah. It’s okay. A little water won’t kill me.” He grins, making his eyes crinkle.
As we stand on the corner of Church Street, the noises of the city come alive all around us. I can smell the smokiness of the wet cement and the exotic spices coming from the gyro stand across the street from us. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed all these smells and noises floating in the air before.
“Would you like to share the cab with me?”
Arsen smiles. “Sure.”
I’m about to discuss a coming assignment when I hear my phone ringing. I take my cellphone out and see Ben’s picture on the screen. “Excuse me for a sec. My husband is calling me, and I need to get this.”
Arsen nods stiffly.
After a quick conversation, I say goodbye to Ben. By the time I turn to look at a soaked Arsen, a cab finally pulls to a stop in front of us.
When Arsen opens the door for me, I get in but he doesn’t follow me.
“Aren’t you coming? I ask, confused.
“No. Actually, I just remembered that I need to run some errands. If you don’t mind, can I borrow your umbrella?”
“Um, okay.”
Leaning inside, Arsen kisses my cheek goodbye taking me by surprise. And I’m further stunned when he whispers in my ear, “Thank you, Catherine. It was a lot of fun. We should do this more often. You know, just you and me. I know I would like to.”
He straightens and shuts the door without saying another word to me.
As the cab pulls into traffic, I turn around so fast I can feel the ends of my hair hitting my face. He’s standing under the pouring rain watching the cab drive away.
Chapter 11
Past
Nerves sear through my body, making me feel feverish as I look at the stranger staring back at me in the mirror with eyes that shine brightly.